3 Simple Steps To Get Him To CHASE YOU! | Matthew Hussey

Don't be afraid to guide your partner to do what they're already doing in better ways.

What once made us strong can actually make us weak if we come to over-rely on it. Think of the best concert you've ever been to. It probably didn't end at 2 a.m. when you were getting tired. It ended on a high and we want our dates to do the same.

I want to talk about embarrassment and sex in relationships. I don't think this topic is talked about enough. We read magazines that tell us how to spice up our relationships, how to spice up our sex life. They give us all sorts of weird and wonderful positions to try with our partner. They tell us how many times we should be having sex a day, and in what ways, and what kinky things we should be trying. But very rarely do these articles address the fundamental issue that most of us have gotten into a certain style with our partner whereby they think they know everything about us and we think we know everything about them. Now, what this leads to is a fear of embarrassment and rejection. If we then try something new with our partner and the longer we've been with our partner, the more this is true.

I've coached people all over the world.

Where I've given them ways to spice up their sex life, new things they can do. And what I've found is the biggest barrier to them spicing up their sex life is not that they don't have ideas. It's not that they don't have things they'd like to do. The biggest problem is that they're afraid of how their partner is going to react to them bringing out a different side of themselves. So we become very self conscious. And I actually think the, I mean, I think it's terrifying that most people would feel more comfortable doing weird and crazy stuff with someone they barely know than with the person they love. I think it speaks volumes because with the person we love and are comfortable with, that comfort is misleading because we say, well, if I'm so comfortable with someone, I'm able to express my sexual desires with them. But actually, sometimes the reverse is true. If I'm really comfortable with someone, what it can imply is that we feel like we already know what the other person is about sexually. So if they now come to us with a different sexual energy or wanting to try a different thing that we never even knew they were into, it might surprise us, it might shock us, it might make us feel we know that person a little less than we thought we did. I'm going to assume right now that like me and everyone else in the world, you are weird. You have your own weird stuff that you enjoy or that you might enjoy or that you want to try. And in your inner world isn't being fully expressed with your partner right now. And perhaps the same is true of them. So what I want to talk about is how to actually create the open dialogue about these things. So one early way to set the stage for this is to ask your partner if there's anything sexually that they want to do with you that you either don't do enough or at all. Tell them to be completely open because it would be fun for you to know what else they want. See, part of our fear in listening to our partner in these ways is that we're worried we're going to hear something we don't want to hear. Perhaps there's something they've wanted and we've never done or that we're not doing it in the right way or the way they want. It can feel like a form of criticism, but paying attention to what your partner says can literally save your relationship. Now, the next step is being honest about what you would like. So don't frame it as negative. Just frame it as like, and I mean negative in the sense that you don't want to frame it as criticism of what your partner is doing right now or not doing right now. You just want to talk talk about it as something exciting that you want to try with him. It helps to talk about why doing this thing would be sexy with them in particular. In other words, you don't necessarily want to frame it like, oh, I just want to try this. Frame it as, I really want to try this with you. It's being with you that makes me want to try this thing. That way they get to feel special in the process. Don't be afraid to be brave. and take the lead by doing something different or kinky or slightly out there. What you do when you do this is give your partner permission to do the same without being self conscious that he'll be judged for it. You giving him new ideas or taking the lead at times gives him permission to try new things and be more adventurous as well. Now, the key here is to understand that there is a teething process to change in dynamic in a relationship. So your partner, you might try and do something with your partner, and they may not have the ideal reaction. They may be surprised. They may look at you funny. They may say you've changed.

Who are you?

Who is this person? I don't know this person. Even though maybe that was you all along, but you just were afraid to express it. What they really mean is I've never seen this side of you before, and it scares me because it makes me feel like there are things about you I don't know. You know, in another episode of Love Life, I talked about how, you know, your man could be on the phone on a business call, and you decide that this is a great time to go down on him.

Right?

And when, as I was saying that, I was thinking, you know what? Some people might be afraid that they're going to get rejected in that moment, that, that their partner might freak out or might be like, oh, wait, what are you doing? This isn't you. You didn't, you wouldn't normally do something like this. And when our partner has a, a reaction to it, even if it's just surprise, sometimes it can feel like a rejection. Now, what we have to be careful of is not sulking if we get the wrong reaction. Don't go into sulk mode in that moment. But what you can do is later on come to them in a neutral place and say, Look, I really want us to do more spontaneous things, or I really want us to try and explore each other's fantasies more and the little things that we want. Because I feel like that's, you know, our relationship is so amazing, and we're so turned on by each other already. And I want to explore all of your fantasies, and I want, you know, I want to tell you all of mine. Like, I, I just. You bring that out of me. You make me want to do these things. That's. That's gonna create this open dialogue between you. Consistently be talking. Don't be afraid to talk about sex. I really believe that nothing should be considered embarrassing between two people who love each other. The more you talk about sex and the more you to explore each other's minds, the easier it gets. Use phrases like, I want to make your fantasies come true. What are the little and big things that you want to do more of? And it helps to ask the question in broad ways, like, what are the types of things you want us to do more of? Because if you ask someone what's the specific thing you want to do, they may blank in that moment. Or you might immediately have to see, watch them censor themselves, never underestimate how much we censor our own little weird fetishes and things that we want to do. Even when we think we're being honest with our partner, very often we're still censoring parts of us that we're afraid we'll be shamed for if we actually talk about them. So just ask him, you know, what are some of the types of things that you really want to do more of in the bedroom? That's going to be so refreshing for him to hear that and to hear that you're trying to explore his mind. Lastly, don't be afraid to guide your partner. to do what they're already doing in better ways. I think the biggest tragedy is when we don't tell our partner how to do what they're doing better. And of course, there's a way to do that that's not going to hurt someone's feelings. But even then, I'd still like for me personally, if you tell me how to do something better now, maybe in the moment, I'll be like, oh, that sucks. I didn't know I was doing it wrong.

Right?

But you give me whatever damage you do to my ego in the moment, you feed my ego for a lifetime by telling me how to pleasure you more and me being able to see that reaction that I'm getting. So always, if you're trying to save someone's ego in the short term, remember, you're probably damaging it in the long term by him not seeing how much he's pleasing you or not having that wonderful satisfaction of knowing that he's pleasing you over the long term. Because we always know subconsciously when we're not pleasing our partner, we feel it. I'll finish on this note. I think I truly believe that sex is about teamwork. It's about two people who believe that their job in a relationship is to explore each other's needs and to cater to each other's desires, whatever weird and wonderful desires they are. And if those stray outside the concept of monogamy, we'll save that for another episode. But within the confines of of a monogamous relationship, I think everything should be on the table. I think people should explore each other and they shouldn't be afraid to talk about what they want or to go out of their way to please their partner. We would want the same done for us. So the importance of this episode, I believe, can't be overstated because this will save relationships. We must never underestimate the number of relationships that fail because of unexpressed or uncatered for sexual needs and desires.

Well, Jameson and I were just filming a welcome video for all of the attendees of our virtual Retreat, which is our big annual Flagship event. There's about life transformation, not people's love lives, people's entire lives. If, by the way, you don't know about it or you haven't got your ticket yet and you want me to coach you through immersion for three days in every part of your life, I'll leave a link here. Go check it out. But whilst we were recording those videos, we had an idea for a video that we could make that was tied into that, because that's where my head's at right now, is not dating advice, but bigger life advice, I truly believe that the concept I'm about to give you is one of the master keys to living an extraordinary life and having extraordinary impact in life, whether it's the impact of attraction, getting someone attracted to us, or whether it's the impact of making a difference in the world or building something. But let me take you through this. In life, there are things that early on we got good at or things that we got rewarded for. For some of us, it's our ambition. For some of us, it's at an early age we made more money than our peers. For some of us, it's that we made people laugh more than other people did. We were funnier than other people. Whatever it was that we got rewarded for early, that validation made us want to do that thing more. It became almost an addiction and it might have even been a positive addiction. You know, if you get addicted to achieving because people give you a lot of reward for it, then you can go on to achieve some very big things. The problem is that the areas of life where we get validation can easily become our mutations. I want you to write this down. I'm going to, this is going to be like a mini seminar right now in this video. It's not going to be like my typical blog video where I sit on a sofa and speak. Our validations can become our mutations. Our validations become our mutations. Meaning, when we get comfortable being rewarded for a certain thing in our life, we keep doing that thing. It doesn't mean doing that thing is easy. If you get validated for being a high achiever. It doesn't mean continuing to be a high achiever is easy. It just means we get real comfortable there getting our validation. And these mutations then create distortions in our personality where all of a sudden our entire identity can be built around one thing. Now, what's the problem with that? When your identity is heavily rooted in one thing, That can now become our weakness. Christopher Hitchens said when talking about relationships, he said the skill of relationships is not allowing your strengths to negate themselves. Meaning what once made us strong can actually make us weak if we come to over-rely on it. What happens to the person who spends all day in the gym and that's how they get their validation and then they get injured? If they don't develop identity in other areas, that can now be the death of their identity and therefore the death their confidence, their happiness, and their sense of internal security.

The solution.

To these mutations is to develop other areas, whether they're external parts of our life or they're other parts of our personality, so that we can create Unique pairings. Now, let me explain what unique pairings are. Unique pairings are fascinating. A unique pairing is when you find two different things, two different personality traits or interests, in the same person that you don't normally find in the same person. When we meet someone who's sexy, but they can also be goofy and silly, that's a unique pairing. When we meet someone who takes care of their body and presents themselves really well, they're well groomed and they look great, but they're also intellectual and they care about deeper pursuits. That's a unique pairing. When we meet someone who's a hard worker, but they can also go out there and play and have adventures and be spontaneous, that's a unique pairing. We see these unique pairings in all different people and if you think about certain friends of yours or someone you're in love with or certain family members that you adore, I guarantee you'll be able to find unique pairings that make you really adore that person. One great quality can attract someone. It can get someone's attention. If you're super sexy, you can get someone's attention. If you're super successful, you can get someone's attention. If you're very funny, you can get someone's attention. But that's not what holds someone. One quality doesn't hold someone. What holds someone are unique pairings. Let's think of this on a meta level. Once upon a time, you watched me because I made a dating video, right? Maybe five years ago, ten years ago, or maybe last week, maybe five minutes ago, you were watching me in a different video where you go, oh man, this guy's got great dating advice. And then you come to this video and you see this and you're like, holy shit. Now he's going to this beat. Now he could talk about this. Now you see unique pairing. That's what holds someone. I could only hold you for so long by giving you a flirting tip. But now you realize I could talk about this as well. All right, now I'm watching next week's video. When people see that we're constantly developing, constantly evolving, constantly developing more pairings, we become this irreplaceable force in their life. We become someone that It's a... I don't want to use the word addiction in this context, but we become someone that they say, Man, I can't give this person up. I've got to keep going on the journey. So it's these unique pairings that make us an unbelievable package to someone else, an irreplaceable package to somebody else. They are the key to people falling in love. They're also the keys to people maintaining the passion when they've been in love for a long time. But on an internal level, unique pairings also make us impervious. to things going wrong in our lives. They are the ultimate defense to change, to not being able to do the same things you used to do, to parts of your life going wrong, being taken away. When you have unique pairings, you become invincible because you've always got legs under the table that can support you if one leg breaks. You know, all of a sudden you get injured and you can't work out. That was a source of your confidence. Doesn't matter because you have all these unique pairings. You're into this and that and the other, and this thing gives you this thing gives you confidence and this is a part of you you really value. All of a sudden you've got legs under the table that can support you. Someone decides they don't want to be with you anymore in a relationship. You've got all these other legs under the table that support you. You're not just one thing. You're not a one trick pony in life. Your value isn't your relationship. And that's true of our personality too. You can have a part of your personality that, you know, maybe you came to rely on. You know, you what's a what happens to a lot of comedians, right? They feel like I gotta be funny all the time because that's where my value is. But all of a sudden, if your whole value doesn't come from one thing, if it comes from the books you've read, if it comes from the energy you bring to a room in a different way, if it comes from the kindness that you bring, if it comes from the work that you're doing with people, if it whatever it may be, all of a sudden, you don't feel like you have to be funny at the dinner table, even if that's how you make a living. Because there are other legs under the table. this is the mark. Guys, I'm telling you, this is the master key. One of them. I think there are only like four or five things in life, if you really boil it down. There's like four or five things in life that if you know those, life gets a lot easier, a lot better. You can create an extraordinary life on like five truths. This is one of them. This is one of the master keys to living an extraordinary life. and if you're watching this and you're like, man, I need to create more unique pairings for myself. I want to start living a bigger life. I want to start writing a different story for myself than the one that I've been writing all along, the one that's comfortable, the one that's become my mutation. Then we're going to be doing that on the virtual retreat together. I'm literally going to give you a blueprint for doing this, and we're going to spend three days of coaching immersion, working through everything in your life to create an amazing story, because that's what we all want to do, isn't it? ultimately, we all have different goals here. Everyone watching this video has something different they want, but they're all versions of the same thing. Because whether it's you're looking for a relationship right now or more Financial Freedom or a better body or a change in your life because you're bored of what you're doing or you're looking for more internal confidence or happiness, we're all looking for the same thing. We want a great story. We want to be able to tell a great story at the end of Our Lives, of what that life meant, of what we did with it, of the impact we made, and We want to enjoy the story because when this story is not going to last forever, right? This story is tragically short and we want to make the most of it while we have it. Every single one of us wants to make an impact when we're on a date. So, here are five simple things that you can do to stay in his mind long after you've said good night. Number one, give him an early compliment. I know so many guys, and I've been in this position before, too, where you get to the end of a date and you don't even necessarily know if someone's actually attracted to you. And that's because you go on a date and two people were playing this poker game where neither one of them wants to reveal their hand. We want to break that nonsense. It's not like you have to start over investing on a date, but we should show someone that we're attracted. So early on in the date, Tell him you like his shirt or something you were attracted to in his profile picture when you saw him on the app. Give him something that shows that you are attracted because that way it opens up the date to more possibilities. It makes everyone feel more comfortable. It makes it more likely he'll show his interest in you and at the end of the date he will not be questioning whether there's a spark. Number two, be friendly to the people around you. When a guy on a date sees you being nice to people that you don't need to be nice to, it shows your true character. So whether it's being nice to the person serving you or whether there's a woman next to you at the bar who has to shuffle over so that you two can sit down and you say to her, I love your jacket, by the way, or you have great style. It shows him your warm nature. It also has the added bonus that when you interact with someone else for a few seconds, he gets to observe you without the pressure of interacting with you. And it's in the moment where we get to observe someone that we start to really build attraction because we're not in our heads thinking of things to say. We just get to fully take them in. Number three, don't be afraid of the date interlude. Now, look, it's nice when a guy has a plan for a date, and you don't necessarily want to disrupt the plans that he's got. But if you happen to be doing something where nearby is something you want to do, don't be afraid to say it. It can be playful, it can be fun. It can actually show confidence for you to state something that you're interested in doing. It could be a walk in the daytime where all of a sudden you realize that really near to a coffee shop you love and you say, okay, wait, we have to get coffee here. This place does amazing coffee. The great thing for him is that this is a pressure valve. Not only does he realize he's not solely responsible for creating a great time together, it also removes some of the guesswork of figuring out what you'd like to do. Number four, order the chocolate cake. I always think of that moment at dinner where the dessert menu comes up and everyone's really polite and is like, do you want dessert? Should we get dessert? I love when someone's just like, We should share the chocolate cake, shouldn't we? Because in that moment, you know what to do. So in whatever form it takes on your date, say yes to the metaphorical chocolate cake. It will give him permission to let go and have fun too. Number five, defer the night cap. Now, I know the temptation when a date is going well is to drag it out as long as possible because you're enjoying being with that person. But that's not always productive. Think of the best concert you've ever been to. It probably didn't end at 2 a.m. when you were getting tired. It ended on a high and we want our dates to do the same. So when someone says to you after you've already had a great time, Hey, you want to get like one more drink over here? Don't be afraid to be like, you know what, it's 11 o'clock, it's getting a little late. I'm gonna get to bed, but we should do something tomorrow or sometime this week. What I like about deferring the nightcap is it almost gives you a license to see the person sooner. I'd rather cut this down a little short on a first date and see them tomorrow than have a really long protracted date now and not see someone or feel like I'm not entitled to ask them to see them for five more days. So there it is, five things you can do to be memorable on a first date. I really want you to check out this next video. I believe it's going to help you a lot. Click here.

The chase, the part where we were trying to get each other was really exciting.

And now we have each other.

How do we continue that excitement now that we have each other?