3 Subtle Green Flags You Can't Ignore

In early dating, it is hard to tell if someone's interest is authentic or if it is driven by something that has nothing to do with you. Maybe they're just driven by lust, or by the search for a rebound after they got their heart broken, or just out of ego to see if they can get you. It's easy to see all of these types as bad actors who know exactly what they're doing, and some of them are, of course, but others aren't even conscious of what's driving their behavior, so you wouldn't learn the truth even if you asked them. This is why signals like someone being open about their feelings towards you, eagerly setting up the next time you'll meet, and taking you on fairytale-like dates are not necessarily strongly correlated with how great your relationship will be with them in the future, or whether there will ever be one. A classic error is mistaking someone's attention for their intention. In truth, some of the best relationships burn more slowly, have less certainty in the beginning, and even have more friction, which we will talk about later in this video. And some of the worst relationships start off like a perfect Disney movie with fireworks. It is confusing. It is hard to tell what emotional availability actually looks like in the beginning. So in this video, I wanted to share with you a few signs, or green flags for a change, of what to look out for in the first few weeks or months of dating that can help you figure out if their behavior shows real intention and possibility, or if this person is doomed to break your heart. If you're new here, I'm Matthew Hussey. I've been a coach for almost 2 decades. I wrote the international bestseller Love Life, this book right here, and I share the lessons I've learned over the years on this YouTube channel. So subscribe and give this video a like so that I can reach more people who need to hear these lessons. Here's the tricky thing that trips a lot of people up. In early dating, love bombing and actual interest can look eerily similar. It is only the aftermath that lets know which one it actually was. A love bomber can send flirty texts showing interest, listen to your wants and needs and deliver them to you, talk about the future, and tell you how special you are. When you talk to friends about all of this, the cautious ones may say, "He's doing too much. That's love bombing." Whereas the hopeful romantics will say, "Oh my God, see, this is why I say if men wanted to, they would. He is so into you. It's hard to know which of these voices to listen to. So what are the green flags that can tell you where your relationship is actually headed? Green flag number 1: Reciprocity and momentum. Finally, an occasion for this hat. If you are going on incredible dates, but you don't hear from that person for a couple of weeks until it's time to set up your next one, there's a loss in momentum there. And if you've noticed lags like this, and you've been the one to step up and text in between dates, but the interest hasn't been reciprocal, it is a sign that this relationship may just be one of convenience, or to fill a void that has nothing to do with that person's interest level in you. An early green flag is that there's momentum and a reciprocal back and forth between the two of you. If you text first, does she keep the text exchange going? If you indicate you'd like to see him again, does he set up the next date? If you say you prefer calls over texts, does he pick up the phone and call you? Those are all green flags that this person's intentions are aligned with yours. Now, a good sign that you are experiencing reciprocity and momentum, a green bean if you will— Thomas, maybe you can add a little green bean in between my fingers right now— is that instead of feeling anxious and confused, something emotionally unavailable people routinely make you feel in dating, you feel comfortable sharing how you feel and safe to communicate your needs and feelings. Now, one of the hardest parts, as we all know, about situations like this, especially if we are anxious leaning, is trying to figure out if the problem is us or them, and whether their behavior really does warrant our anxiety. Are we intuiting something that is off about their intentions, or is our nervous system playing tricks on us? It is so hard to trust ourselves when someone's emotional availability or unavailability only becomes apparent in hindsight. And when we do speak up, we want to communicate powerfully and not from a place of insecurity or neediness in a way that we later regret. This video right now cannot be a one-size-fits-all, but if you want clarity on the nuances of your situation and what you should do next to get the best result, you can ask me about your exact situation using Matthew AI. It is trained on nearly two decades of me coaching people through every imaginable love life dilemma. People rave to me about how it has helped them handle confusing high-stakes situations. And you, dear friend, can try it for free at askmh.com. If you are stuck in your head like me a lot of the time, this is perfect for you. It even remembers your conversations so that you can come back and add new developments and ask more questions as the story evolves. God, I feel good right now. Must have been that bean. Green flag number 2. One feels safe to communicate their needs and their feelings. When you bring up your needs to an emotionally available person, their reaction does not leave you thinking, "Oh my god! What have I done?" And then feeling like you can't bring something up the next time. One of my Love Life members told me about a guy she was dating who never texted her during the daytime. When she talked to him about it, he told her he couldn't give her what she needs, and he broke up with her. Now, she felt an instinctive regret at having ever said anything. But she didn't need to regret that because she hadn't lost the right person. The right person is emotionally available, and when you bring something up productively to someone who is emotionally available, it is a conversation. Either they'll understand and they'll change their behavior, or they'll meet you in the middle somewhere. Or if they can't do something you're asking, they'll share that with you in an authentic and compassionate way that actually makes some sense and doesn't leave you feeling horrible forever for having mentioned it, and it won't be followed by a withdrawal on their part. You won't feel punished somehow, and they won't use it as an excuse to simply blow things up while allowing you to torture yourself that it was your fault. Here's a good test: if you're beating yourself up for having dared to point out something minor that ended things, it is not you who fucked up. It is them who is emotionally unavailable. Green flag number 3: Acceptance without judgment. Here is a deeper one to reflect on. Emotionally available green flags show up as people who create a culture of acceptance from the beginning. In other words, you feel safe to not be perfect. Emotionally unavailable people often create a culture where you don't feel safe to be yourself. Maybe you feel judged in a contemptuous way, or like you have to perform to fit their narrative of what a great partner looks like, or what kind of past that person would have. Or you feel like there are parts of you that are too much, like you're too sensitive, or emotional, or demanding, because god forbid you'd like to hear from them once a day. Or you feel like you're not enough because you like slow Saturday mornings in bed instead of joining them for a 6 AM gratitude session. Followed by a quick Ironman and a breakfast cold plunge. If someone is continuously judging or picking at you or your lifestyle, it is important that you express that while they may have certain expectations of the person they want to be with, you are really happy and comfortable with who you are. And make clear that you are not judging them at every turn. And that's not because they're perfect. They're not. What you want ultimately is to either commit to seeing the best in each other like you do with them, or face the fact that you're not right for each other. Now, this conversation does a couple of very powerful things. It shows them that you don't even judge yourself for the things they're judging you for. So, it's actually a strange feeling for you to be judged on those things in this way, which is so powerful because it shows you accept yourself. But you're also showing that you accept them in spite of their imperfections. It's not that you worship them. You see them clearly for who they are. But you apply a generous lens to them, and that is a rare thing that most smart people don't want to lose. But your standard is that you know full well what this kind of special love that you have to give is worth out there in the world. So if you're gonna be here, you expect the same in return. One of the biggest misconceptions about green flag people is that they show up as decisive. That is not true, and this is very important. Emotionally unavailable red flags can be incredibly decisive in the beginning, and people who are actually right for you, who you can build a long-term relationship with, may show up in moments as indecisive and hesitant and unsure. We have this idea that emotionally available people always know exactly what they want, that they're clear and decisive and strong. Uncertain. Some advice online regarding men says that men put you in a category right away as girlfriend or hookup. Other advice says, "When men know, they know." These things are such an oversimplification, it's insane. And all of them give way too much credit to men. Most human beings, regardless of gender, are uncertain about exactly what they want and need in life. So few of us know at the outset what will actually make us happy in a relationship. And the early stages of dating are often driven by emotions, dopamine, and lust. A green flag is a person who is receptive to new ways of being happy, open to change, and willing to grow. They may not be the most confident person you've come across. They may not be perfect in their communication style. Many people don't know what they want until they experience something healthy. Green flags are people who are open to being shaped by emotionally available communication and rise to the level of an amazing relationship once they are presented with one. Unavailable people, by contrast, are rigid in their ways and show little desire to grow, and no amount of communication with them will change that. That's why most people don't realize that the master key to dating in the modern era is leadership. Leading with your warmth, your acceptance of other people, the generous ways that you are willing to see them, and having emotionally evolved communication. And also leading with your standards for what you're willing to accept or no longer accept in return for all of that. This approach doesn't just filter out the red flags quickly before you've invested too much. It's what makes more people become green flags around you. Now, a question for you, my green beans. What green flags did I miss in this video? Let me know in the comments any others you've experienced. Complete my video for me. I'm going to be reading and responding to your comments below. I'm even going to give away 2 signed green flag hats to my Comments, the only two of these in existence. I'll see you there.