Matthew Hussey shares three ways to disagree without losing respect or charm: keep emotions separate from the debate, use questions instead of statements to keep dialogue open, and attack the idea, not the person. He shows how humor and appreciation can coexist with fundamental disagreement.
Matthew Hussey here from Love Life. I want to talk about how to disagree with someone in a charming manner, because I feel like so often we end up arguing with people who don't have the same beliefs as us, who don't have the same ideas, and we do it in a way which alienates them, which makes them not like us. And look, I'm just going to say we end up looking like kind of a dick. How do we change that so that we seem like someone who sticks, remains? I don't want to say likable, because I don't believe this is just about being likable. But someone who can still be charming can still have a level of charisma in the way that we disagree. And the reason I say this is not the same as being likable is the desire to be likable is what stops us from disagreeing with someone in the first place. We don't like confrontation because we don't want to not be liked by the other person. But I would argue that respect is the thing that we should be going for. When we're respected, we get attraction from people they want to be around us more because there is something compelling about someone who respect, but someone who can also disagree with us. We like people who are prepared to break rapport with us, but we have to be able to do it in the right way. And I'll give you three things that I think are really important in the way that you disagree with someone. The first thing is don't get emotionally involved. In other words, there is a way to disagree with someone where you don't put your personal feelings on the line. If you go on YouTube and watch some of the great debaters, what you'll see is they can, they can have these passionate arguments with people. They can really put them. They. They really put their energy into it. And they have these amazing arguments with people that seem to get heated on the surface and then two minutes later they're back to normal again, they're back to neutral. In other words, a great debating style is someone who can be passionate but not get personal. They can be passionate, they can be excited about their argument, they can even think the other person's argument is absurd. But what they don't do is start investing their personal feelings into it in a way that compromises them emotionally. Because of course, as soon as you compromise yourself emotionally, you lose all of your power. The second big tip for this is to create segways, not dead ends. If someone says something that you disagree with, and you go, that's ridiculous. That's a dead end. If you say, I disagree, that's a dead end. When you say you're wrong, that's a dead end. When you say, well, what about this? And then you say something which completely defies their logic. They have no alternative but to respond to your argument. They have no alternative but to start trying to debate with you on that subject. You're creating this open airway for them to start talking. That's, by the way, one of the key parts of improv, the yes. And they teach you that in improv, don't create a dead end in the scenario. Create a yes and moment. Yes. And now, of course, we're not saying a yes and. But what we are saying is, well, what about this? You're creating this open dialogue. The third thing is to divorce the concept from the individual. And let me explain this. Too often when we disagree with someone, we start to make it about our relationship with that person on a very deep level. What people do who are good at debating is they can see the issue as an issue and the person as a person. Now, there are always some things in life where people hold beliefs that fundamentally sever the connection between us and them fundamentally do so. But those are the extremes for most other things. We can divorce whatever we disagree on with the person from our connection with the person themselves. I'll give you an example. Me and my publicist is very much has the belief that if you think positive thoughts, the universe will look after you, the universe will do things for you. And I 100% disagree with this idea. We'll talk about that at another time. But recently I was called to do a TV show on the other side of the country, and I was supposed to be doing it on a Tuesday. That's the day that they wanted me to go and air on. And I said to him, look, it would so help me if it was on a Wednesday. And he said, there's no chance. There's no chance it's going to be on Tuesday. I said, it would really help me if it's on a Wednesday. I'm just telling you just so that you can insinuate that to them. He came back to me four hours later and said, well, you always get everything you want. It's now, it's on Wednesday. They came back to me and said, they actually, I didn't even have to say anything. They just said they wanted you on Wednesday, not Tuesday. And he said, that's the power of positive thinking. And I said, I Don't think it was positive thinking. But I said, I appreciate it nonetheless. He said, no, he said, that was positive thinking. He said that that's what I. He said, I believe that that's the universe did that. We wanted it and the universe brought it to us. And I said, well, you know what? Your belief in that was enough for the both of us. I vicariously benefited from what the universe wanted to do for you in that scenario. So I appreciate it. And of course, there's an irony in Built in what I'm saying. I don't believe that. But that irony and that moment of connection where I say, well, you know what? Your belief was enough for the both of us. So I appreciate it. I'm saying it with a wink, but at the same time, it allows us to be slightly jovial and slightly playful about an area where the truth is me and him completely collide. But what I didn't do is say, that is ridiculous. I can't believe you believe that crap. That's ridiculous. Anyway, let's move on. I didn't do that. I was ironic. I was still playful. I didn't also patronize him by going, you know what? You're right about that. God, I really need to start looking into this concept more. I didn't patronize him. We just found a way for us to divorce the issue for. From the personal relationship. And that's something that many people don't do in disagreements of this kind. So those are the three ways to be charming in disagreement. The first, don't get emotionally involved. Two, create segues, not dead ends. And three, divorce the concept from the individual. I hope you enjoyed that. I really enjoyed telling it to you. I think this is a really fascinating subject and I look forward to coming back to it soon. If you don't follow me right now, go to coach Matthew Hussey, and that's at Facebook. Coach Matthew Hussey and leave us a comment. Let us know what you thought of the episode. I can't wait to be back with you in the next one.
