Matthew Hussey identifies three ways insecurity sabotages early relationships: obsessively checking his social media, constantly comparing yourself to other women, and trying to control who he spends time with. Each masks a deeper fear that needs addressing, not just the behavior itself.
There is something that happens when we meet someone we really like. Because the stakes are higher, whatever insecurities or worries are lying beneath the surface all of a sudden come out because they're exacerbated by our fears in this situation. Now there are three things that we do early on in a relationship, and by the way, for anyone who's in a relationship and deep in, these are just as relevant to you. But there are three things that start right at the beginning that so many people do, and I want to at least draw awareness to them today. the first one is spying on someone. Sometimes the ways we do this are minor. They're not things that someone else would notice. It becomes a kind of snooping. We might look on their social media to see the last time they were active if we haven't had a text back from them in the last three hours. The problem with this behaviour is that it has us focusing on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on the average of their communication, their behaviour towards us, we're looking for all of the little ways that we can catch them out. And even if we don't think we're showing that, it's going to come out in the form of passive aggressive of energy when we're with them. The second insecure behavior is comparing ourselves to other people. I know so many women that immediately upon dating a guy start to worry about other women that are around. Are they more beautiful? Are they funnier? Are they a body shape that he's gonna like better? They look for all of these ways that they don't match up to somebody else. And it's so sad because they're completely undervaluing what they bring to the table. So the only way to overcome this is to cut the relationship between you and other people in that way altogether. Because trust me, there will always be someone who scores more points than you in a specific category. That's not ultimately what's going to win someone's heart. What wins someone's heart is our certainty that we are bringing our unique voice to the table and allowing someone to fall in love with that and not worrying about whether we beat someone in every category. The third type of insecure behavior is when we try to control someone's actions. where they go and who they spend time with. It might be he wants a boy's night out and there's a part of you deep down that is uncomfortable with that. You don't want him being in an environment where people could flirt with him, where he might be attracted to someone else and, God forbid, could be unfaithful. The danger of this is it only reflects badly on us and it makes them compelled to do that thing even more. If someone can't have their freedom within our relationship in a way that respects our boundaries, we have a genuine problem. If the only way that I can trust you is by keeping you in the house, then I'm only masking the problem. I'm not solving it. We have to start dealing with the real issue, not the fake issue. The fake issue is how do I get my partner to stop wanting to do this, to stop doing this to me, to stop making me jealous in this way and so on. Those are the superficial issues. The real issue I have to deal with is why am I feeling threatened by these things in the first place. If we can deal with that, we change everything. And the reason I created my retreat program was to deal with those fundamental issues. Because if we can go from feeling threatened to feeling at peace, to feeling free, to feeling confident in ourselves where we can say, either this is gonna work or it's not. But I am at peace either way because I know who I am and I know what I'm worth. when we change that, it's the most freeing feeling in the world. If you haven't applied for the retreat yet, the next live retreat is coming up fast now in just a couple of months. Make sure you do and as always, if you can't come to the live retreat, we have the at home study version as well. Click the link, it's right here and I'll see you on the inside.
