5 Signs to Know They're Right for YOU

So we had somebody who came to us recently and they were having a disagreement with the person that they were dating. It was quite early stages. I believe it was only like a few weeks into them dating each other, but they kept butting heads on the same kind of subject and they kept kind of having conflict around it. And when she came to us, she said, is this a compatibility issue or is it something that we can communicate and work through?

Like.

Like, when is it something that we absolutely should just go, like, this isn't going to work and I need to walk away from this? Or when is it just normal in the early stages to have a disagreement like that?

I remember her question because she was saying that they would argue for hours on end in a disagreement.

That's a lot.

Yeah, she was like, we butt heads on something and then we end up in like a five hour, you know, argument.

What's the longest argument you've ever had?

Oh, it'd be multiple days, for sure. I've had one or two, like, volatile relationships.

Just like the arguments drag on for.

It was. Yeah, I, you know, I had someone that, like, when we fought, we fought really badly. You know, I. I don't think I've ever had a relationship where we didn't have disagreements, but in this particular relationship, we fought in. In a very kind of toxic way. I'm not saying that was all that person's fault.

It was a combination of the two.

Of us that made it that way. And it meant that, like, it definitely brought out the worst in me because it sort of triggered all of my. So it, like, really triggered my ego, but it also triggered, like, massive anxiety in me. So I ended up kind of becoming this person who desperately wanted things to be better again. So I had this, like, combination of pride where I was like, really kind of felt like I didn't want to, like, lose the argument and felt really mad that this person would turn so cold on me because it would become so cold. But then I, It. The coldness made me feel really, really anxious and I just would. It's like I desperately just wanted things to be okay because I'm not. I. My nervous system is not good with being shot out in that way. You know, I don't. Like, that's a. I react to that pretty badly, or at least I used to. I'm much better at recognizing that as a kind of not a good behavior today. But I think then I was just like, it would just really, really trigger me. And so it would. I would probably oscillate between like, very mad and egotistical and then, like, very desperate and say anything, do anything to try to make it better.

Yeah.

And that situation, I mean, it could last, like, days. Days of just sitting in horrible energy. Energy, like tortured horrible energy. And then, like, the relief when it's better. Like this just euphoric kind of relief at, oh, my God, we're, like, on good terms again. We're not fighting anymore.

Have you had ones where early in the relationship you have a disagreement and you've walked away and gone later? Gone? Maybe I was, like, a bit rash. Maybe I took that too seriously.

Yeah.

Like, but is that the kind of. Is there an avoidant thing there where, like, you get one problem and you're like, well, this isn't going to work?

Yeah. I think you and I were not, at a certain point in our lives, you and I were not great for each other in that respect.

How so?

Oh, because I think Stephen and I were, like, two sort of enablers. Would you call yourself, Would you say, like, your historic pattern was sort of avoidant or anxious? Avoidant. Like, could it be a bit of both?

It could be anxious, avoidant, like, tilting towards avoidant.

Right. But some, I'm probably anxious, avoidant, tilting towards anxious. But I like the world.

And there's going to be conflict and clashes, I think, in the beginning. So what's the difference? How do you discern the two?

I, I suppose to some extent, I would say there are people you just argue better with, and you might have had a history of people who, when you disagree and they punish you. Like, I would just that relationship I, I was in, you know, was one where I felt very punished when there was a disagreement. And that was very triggering for me. And that definitely brought out the worst in me. And I definitely was not like, I had. I, I was a lot of things that were not admirable in that relationship either.

So I've had those, too. So it's not all avoidance, Audrey. No, I've had those too. Where you feel like you're somehow wrong for having a different opinion?

Yeah. And then you kind of can look at those relationships sometimes and go, I'm not, I really don't like who I am in this relationship. I don't like the version of me that's coming out because I, I, I did things wrong as well. So it's like the com. The combination is not good. There are other people that you argue better with. You know, they, you might have, in some ways, you might have the same disagreements about things, but that you're talking to someone who extends you just a little more grace or a little more empathy or a little more kindness in the way that they talk to you or has a little more humility about the, you know, holes in their own argument. And that can just be the bit of daylight you need to, to decide to be a better version of yourself in that moment. That was one of the things for, for me and you that I found about myself was that I, the way that you argued, like, it's not that we never had an argument that I hadn't had in a previous relationship. It was that when we argued, you had a very kind of compassionate and level headed way of. Not always, I mean, but a lot of the time you had a very compassionate and level headed way of coming to the, the, the argument or the disagreement. And I remember having this very distinct thought at one moment where I walked away from a sit. A kind of argument that I had caused because something had upset me. And then instead of like just bringing it up in a rational way, I decided to pick a fight over it. And I remember walking away from that argument going, I'm the one who behaved badly there. Like, I can't. Like, you probably would have walked away from that argument going, that whole thing was really unfair and he didn't see any of my arguments or my points and that was out of order and I'm mad at him, but I walked away. And it took a minute for me for it to land. And I was like, I, I was the, I was the bad, like, that was me. I was the one who, who behaved irrationally in that conversation. And I think when, when that happens, it's an invitation. It's an invitation. Okay, are you going to rise to the best or a better version of yourself here or are you gonna be the version of yourself that you may have been in the past, even with a person who's doing better?

I heard advice once which I thought is quite relevant to this and I thought it was really, really useful. And I, I carry it with me in my life. It's like, I think to make a relationship work, you're both gonna, at different times, want different things, believe different things, like, feel really steadfast in an opinion over here while the other person feels really steadfast in their opinion over here. You have to get really good at being like, who does this matter more to? So to give an example, let's say you're arguing because you are incredibly triggered by a political situation. And for you it's just like so unbelievably upsetting what's happening in a certain situation in the world or whatever, and you almost, like, have so much passion and so much like, you know, like, emotion behind that, and you bring it to somebody and you end up having a fight about it because maybe you don't agree on something entirely or something like that. I think the person who isn't, like, triggered in that situation, a person who isn't feeling really emotional about it, it's on them to diffuse the situation. Because when arguments really get out of hand is when two people get triggered at the same time and they can't, then you're just fighting a wound. Then it's just two wounds fighting each other. It's not actually the two people consciously having a healthy disagreement. So if you're in an argument with somebody, you know, if you're in early dating stages, anyone listening who's maybe you're in a relationship or you're a few weeks into dating somebody, and you find yourself in the middle of an argument, and you see that the person you're arguing with is. Is incredibly triggered by something, and you're actually able to be the bigger person in the situation. You will be able to diffuse that argument so much faster if you can just almost act as the voice of reason in that. And it's kind of what you're saying with us. It's like in that moment, there would have been something that really triggered you, that led you to pick a fight. And I would have been able to go, well, I'm not feeling triggered. I'm just a bit hurt that you're picking a fight. And I've therefore diffused a situation which then allows you to go away from it, think about it, calm down, and come back and say, I don't like how I behaved. But if you're. If you almost fight a trigger with a trigger, you never get anywhere with it. So it's like the thing that I heard, to paraphrase it, because I've made it a very long convoluted point, but the point I was making is just, you know, assess, if you can, in a situation, whether or not they care about it more than you, and if they care about it more than you, let them have it.

I think what really helps with that is when you have a real sense of what someone's values are already. Like, if you know deep down that the person you're talking to is a really kind person with a good heart and something has just really agitated them about this specific situation, and you can see They've. They've gotten triggered. Like I've. I. I won't say who, but there was someone in, in my life that got very, very triggered recently over something like, you know, like that kind of complete. I watched it happen. I watched this person lose control of everything. Their voice, their breathing, you know, like, their, their rationality, because they got so triggered by something. And it was like, at that point, it was like a full body takeover. And in that moment, I very quickly recognized this person who is lovely and kind and has a beautiful heart right now has been completely hijacked by something, by a visceral fear, by a visceral emotion that's turned into anger and righteousness, all of whatever. And I remember thinking, I can't. I'm not going to speak to the rational part of them right now. I can't. They're lost. I have to connect with the fact that this is actually someone I really care about. This is someone I love. And. And right now I just have to soothe that child that has completely lost it. And once you do that, it's like that rationality and that sense can come back in that person. But in that moment, they're just hijacked. They're completely hijacked. And the reason I'm saying that is because it's far easier to do that when you already know someone's intentions. I think one of the things. And when you know someone, someone's heart and you know their values, the hard thing about early dating is when that happens to someone or when they get agitated by something, and when you end up in a kind of, you know, charged disagreement or fight, you don't always feel like you are confident of their values. And it, therefore, you don't know if what they're saying or what they're doing is an indication of the fact that they don't have good values or whether they've just been hijacked in this moment by fear, by jealousy, by, you know, anxiety about, or if it's like a behavioral pattern, or if it's a behavioral pattern. And that, and by the way, that's. The other thing is you asked, you know, what I think you are some version of, like, what differences can you overcome? And to some extent, I think an answer to that question is not the only answer, but an answer to that question is, what differences do you have the patience for? Because there are some differences you have, or not even differences, there are some areas of difficulty in that person that you have the patience for because you're just like, I get It. I get you, I see you. I get where you're coming from. I know where that comes from for you. I have a lot of patience for this particular wound in you or this particular behavior in you. And by the way, I'm not there mandating a kind of masochism in relationships because some people have too high a tolerance for pain in relationships when they shouldn't. But there are, like, we all come with stuff. No one's perfect. Everyone comes to a relationship with stuff. And it kind of. To. Some of it comes down to, like, what do you have patience for? I have loads of patience for the kinds of things that affect you. Because I. Partly, maybe because I see some of myself in those things, partly because I love you and because I also understand so much about you, and so I connect with those parts of you, but I have a lot of patience for them. I can think of situations like in my past where I didn't have much patience for something. Now sometimes that was because I was young and selfish and just couldn't make space for someone in a relationship. And there's a lot of people like that who just. They say they want a relationship. They have no real ability to make space for another whole human being and the kinds of things they bring. But other times, I know I. I didn't have the patience just because it wasn't right for me. Like, I. An example would be, like, you and I did not align on everything in terms of the way we saw the world or politics or things like that. There were certain areas where we had friction when we would debate it out. But because you and I had a kind of openness about us, even when we were kind of going at it, there was a humility to both of us where we were. We ended up both being capable of, like, seeing each other's points of view. If I know myself well enough to know that if, like, I had started dating you and you were, like, viciously aggressive about your opinions in certain ways and had no tolerance for even hearing other points of view and immediately got angry with the idea that I thought differently. Like, I think I would have just been like, I don't. I actually don't have the patience.

Yeah, for this.

Someone else might have the patience. They might be able to laugh it off and be like, oh, you know, I like this fire in her. I like this thing. You know, someone else might have a higher tolerance and that. That's fine. But for me, I think, because I really value humility and I really value people who are open to conversation and people who don't just jump down each other's throats all the time. Like, I think for me that would have been like a. It wouldn't have been a deal breaker in life for that person's character. It just would have been a deal breaker for me in terms of being like, I think this is going to be an exhausting life and I don't want to sign up for this forever. I just think it will be exhausting for me.

Have you ever had an amazing session with a therapist or a coach or even just an incredible conversation with a friend where you started feeling really sad about something or struggling with confusion or not knowing how to respond to a situation and then by the end of the time you spent with that person, you felt a sense of relief, a sense of clarity, and you knew exactly what to do next.

And in that moment you had an.

Enormous sense of gratitude that you were able to have that conversation in that way. I have always been the most grateful for those conversations in my life because they've been truly life, life changing for me. They prevented me from making bad decisions, they've allowed me to get out of my head and my emotions and they've given me the opportunity to respond to situations better. That's why I created Matthew AI because when you have an amazing coach and I believe wherever you can get access to the best, you have someone who gets you in a state of making the best possible decisions. And Matthew AI is designed to do three things. One, help you craft the perfect response.

To any situation you're in.

Two, help you decode any situation you're in if you're confused about what something means or what someone's behavior indicates about their level of interest or what you should do next. And three, help you get out of a triggered state because people's actions often trigger us and it's when we're triggered, when we're anxious or mad or upset that we're liable to make a mistake that has a sabotaging the whole thing. Matthew AI is the equivalent of you and I sitting next to each other on the couch and you telling me exactly what you're struggling with and having me help you resolve it one on one. And it is my brain, my content, 17 years of coaching that is downloaded into my digital market. Find Matthew AI that you are getting access to. You can text it or call it whatever you prefer.

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So how do you spot early clues that you share long term values with somebody like you know, family, ambition, lifestyle. The things that you think are important as well. Like how for somebody who's listening who's just like I'm really early on dating somebody and we've had a fight and I don't know really that it's kind of one or the other. I don't know if it's a misalignment in values or not. Like are there things early clues that we can look out for?

I honestly think exploring the like you actually talking more and exploring where things come from for people how they think. You know that is what Hitchens always Christopher Hitchens always used to say it's more important how someone thinks than what they think. And and the only way you can really find out how someone thinks is by asking more questions is, is by having a curiosity, you know not just what they believe but why they believe it and where that comes from and how they came to believe that and.

You know, looking at what drives them. I think looking at again it doesn't matter if you disagree but like how good is the recovery? How much do they admit areas they don't know? How much do they even just listen to what you your point of view is. I think there's like differences in values, differences in behavior and then maybe like differences in vision or where you want things to go and you think those.

Are all equally as important for compatibility.

I think they are, yes. I think you can deal. I think some people are too dismissive too quickly on like they think values just means you have to see eye to eye on all things. And I just don't increasingly think that's true. But I think you need to more agree with each other's character like it's more like each other's character traits and seeing things you admire or really really respect in that person. I don't think it matters the material of like we share these interests or hobbies or even certain beliefs where it's.

Tricky is that you don't always reveal the different all the differences until let's say you have kids and then like you suddenly might find out they have very different ideas around you know how they want those kids raids raised right.

But there'll be many discussions hopefully you.

Hope but they're often are not like that's the Thing is that, you know, a lot of people are not having these conversations before getting married. And, you know, they. They may. Marriage might feel like the first step. And it's like, well, we're really compatible. We're having a great time, and these things don't matter to us. You have your way of doing things, I have white my way of doing things, and it all kind of works. So let's get married. But if, you know, kids is something you want in your future and you haven't had those conversations yet about, well, does this, like, I'm wondering what raising kids looks like to you, that until you have those conversations, you just. You just don't know. You know, you've got one half of a couple that believes in circumcision and the other one that doesn't. That can be a huge deal between two people, but it's definitely not something that would come up, you know, unless you have that conversation. That's not a converse. That's a very specific conversation that might have major implications for the relationship. In the same way that, you know, who takes whose name, you know, whether you take someone's name or not is the kind of thing that doesn't come up until it comes up.

And I really tried to get Matt to take my name, like when we were signing our papers, and he wouldn't have any of it. Well, Matt Lestrat, I guess there's a.

Couple of reasons for that, but Matt Lestrade is one of them.

Do you think that there is, like, a proactive way to root out disagreements?

I think so.

In a way that, like, it actually could be kind of fun, like in an earlier stage of dating where, like, yeah, you air them out and you get to talk about them and kind of like, get ahead of it before it's a problem.

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I think practically you can actually talk about certain buckets ahead of time. And there's a book that's kind of interesting. It's a bit old now, but it's interesting. It's called Eight Dates, and I believe the eight dates they talk about. So they basically say you should go on eight dates with the person you're with. And on each of these dates, you should tackle one of these subjects. And the subjects are trust and commitment, conflict, sex and intimacy, work and money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality. I suppose that falls into religion, too, and dreams. And it's this idea of, like, if you can kind of. It gives you, like, prompts and questions to ask each other, but if you can discern that you align enough on all of these subjects, then you're kind of, you know, at least getting a bit of a gauge for the person that you're with, which I think is quite interesting. You don't have to do it through this book, but I think just choosing those very kind of like, core, core value topics and, you know, asking questions about them being like, what do you think is important when you're raising children? Like, you know, like, what are the things that you think, you know, for instance, like, do you. Do you think there should be a good cop or. And a bad cop? Like, how do you feel about discipline? You know, all of those kinds of things, like private school, public school, all these sorts of things. And so I think there's just a lot of conversations you can have around these subjects that can be really helpful. And I think if you put them in the context of a date, it can be fun, right? Because you're kind of just getting to know each other a little bit better. I mean, it might go horribly wrong. But then, you know, at least, you know.

And the important thing is you actually are encouraging people to explore them. Because I think one of the problems that people complain about in dating nowadays is. Is just on apps and everything. People are just so Dismissive. And they almost want everyone to superficially agree with all their, like, opinions and interests. And, And I think that's just a total losing game, like, because you are giving yourself no, no wiggle room. No ability to say, hey, maybe actually that person's spiritual beliefs aren't a big deal. And it's just like something that is personal to them and it's not. Doesn't affect our relationship or whatever, their politics, their interests. And I. Yeah, and I think that's why at the beginning, you, you have to get to the dates to actually have the conversations. You just do. Because you won't find out by someone's profile, like, oh, yeah. And. And then people mistakenly go for people who have superficial agreements with them, like, oh, we like all the same movies and we're into the same intellectual things and they have this degree and that means they're great. And it's just like. And then they realize that person's an asshole or they realize that person's got loads of deep flaws. So I, I think you have to go on the dates and have the conversations.

Well, let's have a, let's have a, A real life example. We, we have a Love Lifeline caller whose name is Sandrine.

Sandrine. Oh, I like that name. That's cute. French name.

I don't know if she is French, but I said it in a French accent.

Hi, everyone. I'm happy to be with you today. So my question will be, how do you know when you are giving too much empathy and understanding to someone and when it's time to give up and let go and how not to feel guilty for giving up?

Thank you.

So would you say she was French?

Definitely French.

What a lovely accent.

I know.

So nice, isn't it? That's how you could have sounded if you had stayed in France.

I can put it on if you like, and answer the question with a.

French accent or just in French for Sandri. I. So when, when to know when you're.

Giving too much empathy.

Yeah.

Too much understanding.

Good question.

I think that empathy and understanding should make things better. And I think that's all that's. Often the litmus test is, does it actually make things better?

That's very good. Very obvious and very good.

That's true.

Because you, because you, you, you. There are certain people in our lives who we have made the mistake of endlessly giving empathy to. And it didn't make things better. It just extended the relationship. It didn't make them better. It didn't make them more generous towards our opinions or our thoughts or our flaws. It didn't make them less selfish. It didn't make them exercise more humility. It just gave you more days where the relationship didn't break. And you have to ask yourself, you know, is my empathy, is my understanding making things better and am I extended the same thing? Are they extending the equal amounts of empathy and understanding towards me? Very often empathy is. It only runs in one direction and understanding only runs in one direction. And it's only when we stop being so understanding all the time or when we start having less patience that we realize the only reason the relationship keeps going is because of us. That the moment we stop being so, you know, compassionate towards someone and it giving them the benefit of the doubt, the moment we stop doing that, immediately it devolves into chaos. And immediately they're not interested because they're now. Then their needs aren't being met or they're not being validated in the same way, or it's inconvenient for them and they don't want inconvenient, or the argument never ends because you never say sorry. Does the argument only ever end because you apologize? And if, if these things are true, then we're masking the fact that this relationship doesn't actually work. And it's not one where someone is meeting you on equal terms. Ask yourself, does it make it better? And am I receiving the same from their side? Because actually, when we are receiving the same from their side, it creates a kind of upwards spiral of more peace and the arguments become fewer and they shorten. The recovery time gets better and better. Like we always talk about that in arguments. Our recovery time, like when, when we first started dating, our recovery time was not as good as our recovery time is today.

Our recovery time is so good now.

It's really good. We bounce back very, very quickly, very quickly. But that's because there's a. Both of us rush in to be understanding and we got better at that. I don't want to pretend like we were just great at that from day one. You have to ask yourself, you know, is. Is my empathy? Is my understanding making things better and am I extended the same thing? Are they extending the equal amounts of empathy and understanding towards me? Very often empathy is. It only runs in one direction and understanding only runs in one direction. And it's only when we stop being so understanding all the time or when we start having less patience that we realize the only reason the relationship keeps going is because of us. That the moment we stop being so, you know, compassionate towards someone and it giving them the benefit of the doubt. The moment we stop doing that, immediately it devolves into chaos. And immediately they're not interested because they're now. Then their needs aren't being met, or they're not being validated in the same way, or it's inconvenient for them and they don't want inconvenient. Or you never. The argument never ends because you never say sorry. Does the argument only ever end because you apologize? And if. If these things are true, then we're masking the fact that this relationship doesn't actually work. And it's not one where someone is meeting you on equal terms. Ask yourself, does it make it better? And am I receiving the same from their side? Because actually, when we are receiving the same from their side, it creates a kind of upwards spiral of more peace. And the arguments become fewer and they shorten. The recovery time gets better and better. Like, we always talk about that in arguments. Our recovery time, like, when. When we first started dating, our recovery time was not as good as our recovery time is today.

Our recovery time is so good now.

It's really good. We bounce back very, very quickly, very quickly. But that's because there's a. Both of us rush in to be understanding, and we got better at that. I don't want to pretend like we were just great at that from day one, but. But. But it was happening on both sides. It wasn't just happening on one side.

I remember where. I can't remember. I have no idea what it was relating to, but I remember we had an argument and kind of like, I don't think I'm in the wrong, but I'm gonna apologize anyway because then it's gonna open the door for making up. And, you know, he'll apologize. He'll definitely see, like, you know. And so I was like, hey, I'm really sorry. And you were like, yeah, thanks for saying that. And you didn't say it back. And I remember being like, well, are you not gonna say it back? Are you not sorry? Because I wasn't even really sorry. I was just saying it because I wanted you to recognize that what you'd done was really shitty. And I remember that so well.

So, yeah, I don't remember that.

Did he apologize?

Yeah, he did. Because he was in the wrong. I can't remember. I can't remember. I just remember that feeling of like. But I think what. What maybe we learned in that moment was just, you know, this idea of, like, sometimes you apologize not because you necessarily think you're the one in the wrong completely. Like you recognize that maybe you've done, you know, you've contributed to the argument. But even if you're not fully in the wrong, you're apologizing to open the door and allow the other person to also go, yeah, me too. And then you can kind of, then it's not about understanding like who is more in the wrong. It's about just kind of recognizing how you've hurt each other. Yeah, but I think that's where we probably like what we learned in that moment. But I remember that really well.

And, and there are some things that just, they're just too big for us to like we, we might be able to empathize with how someone got there, but they're just too big for us. Like we might say you arrived at that belief or that way of, or that behavior because of childhood or because of your parents beliefs or because of what you were, whatever, you might be able to empathize but you fundamentally just can't be with someone like that.

Yeah. And Sandrine, I also think being empathetic can sometimes come at the cost of actually speaking out for what your needs are and like what you actually want from somebody in a relationship. So if, you know, I relate to always wanting to play, placate things and things to be okay and so I'll rush in to be like, oh, you know, like let's just fix it because I just don't want to be at odds. I don't want to argue but sometimes in my life it's, I've done that almost like as a, as a form of self betrayal because I've almost done it in a way where I'm, I'm just so desperately trying to not feel the conflict because it's so uncomfortable to me that I just, I will sort of apologize and rush in really quickly and then that way. But I don't actually, I don't, I don't feel heard in the ways in which I was hurt.

And that's kind of the, that would be like, you know, that's really, you're putting forward the merits of arguing the merits of voicing disagreement, especially early on. I'm not saying go into date two trying to create friction just to see, like, just to battle out your ideas all in date too. But you know, the more you start sharing some of your thoughts and you're okay with those little, you know, moments that have friction, the, the more you get to see what this is and what it can be. And I I do worry for people that only ever extend empathy without actually voicing opinion.

Yeah.

That they. You actually can end up being passive all the way to a committed relationship where that person doesn't really know you. And so they're surprised when you start voicing real opinions. They feel blindsided. You feel like you're now so deep and so emotionally entangled with this person that you're. You're even more afraid to voice your opinions because you don't want to lose this person. It. It should actually be part of our filtration system earlier that we're. We see what happens when we disagree about certain things. And I don't think this is always true. Like, it's more necessary in romantic relationships than it is in friendships, because you're not. I've got friends who we. We really like massively diverge on what we believe. Right. But I know I couldn't be in a romantic relationship with them.

Yeah. You're not building a life with them.

No. And I know by the way that the differences that are palatable as friends wouldn't be palatable.