In this YouTube video, Matthew Hussey outlines five behavioral patterns that signal a partner is toxic and explains why these patterns are harmful to a relationship. He describes each sign with concrete examples: (1) the partner seeks to inflict damage rather than solve problems during arguments; (2) they treat any concern as a personal attack, creating a climate of fear and egg‑shell walking; (3) they make the listener the source of all problems, using manipulation to shift blame and erode confidence; (4) they only show affection when the other person is at a low point, using love as a control lever; and (5) they become uncomfortable with the other’s success, belittling achievements and withdrawing affection. Hussey emphasizes that these dynamics are not limited to romantic partners but appear in friendships, family, and work relationships. He concludes by reminding viewers that everyone brings imperfections to a relationship, but a healthy partnership should be a collaborative, healing environment rather than a source of ongoing damage. He invites viewers to share their experiences and to use the signs as a checklist for evaluating any close relationship.
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In today's video, we're gonna be talking about toxic people and how to know if you're dating one. So I have five ways that I've thought about that really indicate someone is poisonous for your life. The first one, in an argument, they look to inflict damage, not solve problems. I always think that one of the defining factors of a successful relationship is when two people come together to solve problems, not to argue. That doesn't mean they never argue. It just means that when they do talk about things, they're always trying to problem solve and trying to figure out what's the best solution. When you date a toxic person, generally speaking, they try to inflict damage. They're not trying to solve problems, they're trying to protect themselves. I always think about it like scorpion mode. You get near a scorpion, it gets afraid and it stings you. And you'll also find, by the way, that when you're doing something that makes them feel insecure, Let's say you're going out in the evening and it's something that maybe they're not invited to. Maybe this is just something you're going to on your own. If they're feeling insecure about it, they won't come to you with that vulnerability. Instead, they'll make it a fight and then go to one-upmanship or revenge. So now they'll go out, but it will be about one-upping you, doing something that will make you even more jealous than they feel right now. Again, It's about inflicting damage, not about solving problems. Number two, they treat everything like it's an attack. So when you come to them wanting to talk about something that you're not happy with, maybe it's a behavior pattern that you're seeing in the relationship, maybe it's something they did this week, something they said, you may come to them in a completely civil and rational way and choose your words very carefully and say, listen, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing this week. You'll find that they will meet that with aggression. By the way, one of the common side effects of this, and you may have seen this for yourself, is you'll find yourself now afraid to bring up problems with them. If you find that you sit there agonizing over what words to use and treading on eggshells as you say something, then if you're doing that to the extreme, it means that you don't have a healthy relationship with constructive criticism in your relationship. Three, they make you the root of all evil. So whenever there's a problem, whenever there's something going wrong, they will always make it about you and your problems and what you're doing wrong and why you don't understand it. So now instead of admitting that something is actually their fault, that they need to change something, they'll make you the problem. They'll convince you that the problem is coming from you. And this is one of the really insidious parts of dating a toxic person is that they become very good manipulators and they can make you believe that things are your fault that have nothing to do with you. But proximity is power. So whoever you spend the most time around in your life, you will find that they will have an effect on your belief system that you don't even give them credit for. I don't care how strong your frame of reference is, I don't care how strong your confidence is, those comments, those accusations, their belief systems will eventually get through. We become our peer group, right? Whoever we spend the most time with. And your ultimate peer group is the person that you date because you spend the most time around that person. So remember that proximity is power and if you let someone too close and they keep affecting you and telling you that things are your fault even when they're not, you'll begin to believe that and it will erode your confidence over time. Number four, They'll show you the most love when you're hurt. One of the common patterns in toxic relationships is that toxic person will, they'll accuse you of things, they'll cut you, they'll hurt you. And when you're on your knees crying, begging, when in that moment where you're at your lowest ebb and they realize that they've been able to break you, then they'll switch. then they'll begin showing you love. So it's this kind of schizophrenic behavior where they'll go super aggressive, they'll make you feel like crap, they'll make you feel insecure, and when you're so insecure that you need their love and you're sorry and you just need someone to lean on and you need them as a crutch, then they'll show you love. And here's why. Because at that point they feel like it's safe to do so. Because in the moments where you're feeling strong, they're feeling weak. which brings me on to point number five. They get uncomfortable with your success. You'll find that a toxic person will belittle your ambitions, will make you feel unworthy even when you're doing well. When you do do well and you have an achievement, they won't celebrate it with you and get excited with you. They'll brush it off, they'll change the subject relatively quickly, or they'll find a problem with it. You come home saying you've got a promotion and they'll say, well, won't that now be a lot more work? They'll actually try and denigrate whatever it is you've achieved, because they prefer you when you're weak, when things are going wrong, when you get fired, you'll get lots of love from this person. But when you get that pay rise or when you go and start that new business or when you do anything that could threaten them in the relationship because they perceive you to be pulling away from them or getting stronger or needing them less, all of a sudden they get vicious or they just get detached. Because there are two ways people go. Some people get aggressive and vicious and say, you don't care about me anymore, they go down that road, you're doing all of these things now, you don't care anymore, they try and make you feel guilty. or they just act like they don't care anyway. And you'll find that they get distant from you when things are going well. They start spending more time with other people, giving more love to other people, and giving less love to you. So this video isn't about coming from a high and mighty place and us looking at toxic people and saying there's something wrong with you. Oh, I realized you're the problem, not me. It's not that we're perfect and they're not. We're not perfect and that's the whole point. In a relationship we come with imperfections, we come with flaws, we come with insecurities and wounds from previous relationships, from parents, from experiences in our lives, from our failures and our tragedies. When we come to a relationship in some ways we already come as scratched goods. But the whole point is that you need to come to a relationship to meet a team player who is also imperfect and you can help heal each other. You can't heal each other of course, that's something only we ourselves can do. But we can provide an environment for our partner where it's possible for them to heal, where it's possible for them to become strong to become great. Mark Twain said that the really great make you feel that you too can become great. Thanks for watching guys. I look forward to seeing you in the next video. Leave a comment. Let me know what you thought of this. I'd love to hear about a situation where you know that you need to remove yourself from a situation like this or you need to deal with it differently. And by the way, you'll find that this video doesn't just apply to someone you're dating. It also applies to colleagues, bosses, friends, family. These are rules that can apply across the board in our relationships in life and they're very important to have a check on. So appreciate you being here. Love you. I'll see you soon.
