Matthew Hussey identifies five toxic relationship patterns: using arguments to hurt rather than resolve, treating discussion as attack, shifting blame, offering affection only after breaking someone down, and feeling threatened by a partner's success. He emphasizes these aren't about blame but recognizing when a partnership stops supporting growth.
I have five ways that I've thought about that really indicate someone is poisonous for your life. The first one, in an argument, they look to inflict damage, not solve problems. I always think about it like scorpion mode. You get near a scorpion, it gets afraid and it stings you. And you'll also find, by the way, that when you're doing something that makes them feel insecure, let's say you're going out in the evening and It's something that maybe they're not invited to. Maybe this is just something you're going to on your own. If they're feeling insecure about it, they won't come to you with that vulnerability. Instead, they'll make it a fight and then go to one-upmanship or revenge. So now they'll go out, but it will be about one-upping you, doing something that will make you even more jealous than they feel right now. Again, it's about inflicting damage, not about solving problems. Number two, They treat everything like it's an attack. You may come to them in a completely civil and rational way and choose your words very carefully and say, listen, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing this week. You'll find that they will meet that with aggression. By the way, one of the common side effects of this, and you may have seen this for yourself, is you'll find yourself now afraid to bring up problems with them. You sit there agonizing over what words to use and treading on eggshells as you say something If you're doing that to the extreme, it means that you don't have a healthy relationship with constructive criticism in your relationship. Three, they make you the root of all evil. So now, instead of admitting that something is actually their fault, that they need to change something, they'll make you the problem. They'll convince you that the problem is coming from you. And this is one of the really insidious parts. They can make you believe that things are your fault that have nothing to do with you. Number four, They'll show you the most love when you're hurt. One of the common patterns in toxic relationships is that toxic person will, they'll accuse you of things, they'll cut you, they'll hurt you. And when you're on your knees crying, begging, when in that moment where you're at your lowest ebb and they realize that they've been able to break you, then they'll switch. Then they'll show you love. and here's why. Because at that point they feel like it's safe to do so. Because in the moments where you're feeling strong, they're feeling weak. Which brings me on to point number five. They get uncomfortable with your success. You'll find that a toxic person will belittle your ambitions, will make you feel unworthy even when you're doing well. When you do do well and you have an achievement, they won't celebrate it with you and get excited with you. They'll brush it off, they'll change the subject relatively quickly, or they'll find a problem with it. You come home saying you've got a promotion and they'll say, well, won't they? that now be a lot more work. So this video isn't about coming from a high and mighty place and us looking at toxic people and saying there's something wrong with you. Oh, I realized you're the problem, not me. It's not that we're perfect and they're not. We're not perfect. And that's the whole point. You need to come to a relationship to meet a team player who is also imperfect and you can help heal each other. You can't heal each other of course, that's something only we ourselves can do, but we can provide an environment for our partner where it's possible for them to heal, where it's possible for them to become strong, to become great. Mark Twain said that the really great make you feel that you too can become great.
