Am I Just A Rebound?

Matthew Hussey here from Love Life. So we recently got this question through. I started dating a guy who has recently got out of a three year relationship. The idea of just being his rebound is stressing me out. I'm 24 and I'm ready for serious long term relationship and don't want to waste my time if this guy is still hung up on his ex. Am I overthinking this? Should I say something to him about how I'm feeling? So look, there are many times when we, we encounter someone who has just come out of a relationship and we worry about the situation. Do they? There's obviously a natural level of jealousy. Does this person still like or love their ex? But there's also the practical side of it. Do I really want to be in this position where perhaps they're not really ready for a relationship, perhaps they're not ready to move on, perhaps they're just trying to do the casual thing right now because they've been in a relationship for a while and they just want to play the field. Where do they sit? You're always trying to protect yourself. So firstly, the most attractive thing I think in a guy or one of the most attractive things is a, is a man who knows himself. I. One of the things I actually always admired about George Clooney is that at least he was honest. At least he said it how it was. I don't want marriage, I don't want to, I don't want to be in serious. I always appreciated that about him. And I think actually it's one of the things that made him a lot more attractive to women. Because there's nothing less sexy than a man who doesn't know himself, than a man who's all over the place, who can't decide, who's all confused. A guy who actually knows what he's all about is actually more attractive. Now you want the guy that you're with right now or potentially going to be with to know himself. Now the only way you're going to know if he knows himself is to talk to him and find out what he's all about. Right now in a very high number of cases, you're going to find that this guy doesn't know what he's doing, that he's come out of a relationship, he's confused, he's bewildered, he still feels kind of connected to his ex. Even if he doesn't love her, he misses her as a friend or as someone in his life. He, he may have these conflicting feelings of wanting to play the field and wanting to go and do his own thing, whilst at the same time feeling lonely that he's now, you know, back on his own and having to figure out that whole part of it. So you're in a prime position to be hurt. One of the. One of the practical questions you can ask him is what happened with your ex? You know, is there. What was the reason that you decided to end it? Was it firstly, did you end it? Because if he didn't end it, then it might be something that he still hung up on. But if he did end it, what was the reason? Was it to do with her? Was it a personal thing with her, or was it to do with the phase of your life that you're in now? He may say both, but you need to pry a little more. Like, which one would you say it's more of now? If he says, you know, it was me and her, we had some serious issues, blah, blah, blah, we didn't get on for this reason and that reason, then that's something that can be dealt with. If he says, it's the stage of my life I'm in, that's a little harder. Because now you're dealing with a man who left because of reasons of his own to do with his age or the phase of his life, you're now going to find it harder to deal with that because he's the common denominator. And whatever it was that he broke up with her for, he's going to be bringing into this relationship with you. So you go ask him flat out, what was it about your relationship with your ex that ended it? If he starts giving you all of these reasons about my career and I'm traveling and I just want to be able to go around the world and it's just, you know, it was so hard to be in a committed relationship. Do not be the person in that moment who thinks you're going to change all of it. Don't be the person who thinks, well, with me, he felt that with her, but with me, he's not going to. He's going to want to start cutting back on his career. He's not going to want to travel as much. He's going to want to be around. Do not make that classic mistake. Now, you can still keep going with him, but do so at your own peril. My advice to you is see him casually if that's what you want to do. If you're having fun with him and see if he pushes for more and where he takes it. But don't be under the illusion that if you keep waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, this guy is suddenly going to turn his, turn it all around. Instead, make sure that you have an active love life where you're meeting more people as well and not closing yourself off to the rest of the world. So that's it. I'll see you soon. Quick and simple. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. If you're not following me on Facebook, go to facebook.com Matthew Hussey and I'll see you there.