Answering Your Questions About COMMITMENT

Live on YouTube. Hello, everybody. Welcome. I'm doing a live on YouTube right now, but we're going to go live in a few other places as well shortly. Tick Tock, Facebook, Instagram. Let me know when you're here so that I know that you're with us on this wonderful Thursday. Gonna answer some questions. today, which I'm excited to answer and just spend a little time with you. Hi, Jessica. And, yeah, see if we can help some people. Hi, Pam. Hi, Marion. Squirrel. What's going on? That's always been the word that people request. I say the most is squirrel. Tyra, what's up? Hi, Martha. Alexa says, I'm struggling really bad. I'm so sorry about that. You know, I was literally just thinking about. There's a. There's a photo up in one of our bathrooms in the house of me getting one of my stripes on my Jiu Jitsu belt. And underneath it, it says, a little win. because at that time in my life when I got that stripe, I was going through a really, really hard time. And my wife Audrey got it framed for me because she wanted to remind me that, you know, you got that little win, that little stripe at a time when you were really dejected and having a really hard time. And I was, you know, you can even see in the photo, maybe at some point I'll post it, but you can see in the picture I'm collecting a stripe from my professor on the jujitsu mat. for having, you know, got to the next level. And I look so unhappy. I look like I'm having a really hard time because I am. And, you know, my life is so different now to how I felt then. And I'm. I feel so different to how I did then. And it's just a reminder to me that things change. You know, we. You might be. Who's going through a really hard time right now? Leave a comment. No matter how hard it is right now, it's amazing to think that we can be in a very, very different place three months from now or six months from now or a year from now. So never, never underestimate how different your life can be. And if you spend a little time just working your way out of a challenge, a problem, whether that problem is heartbreak, whether that problem is financial, whether that problem is, you know, a relationship you're afraid to leave, but you know you have to leave. Every day you just work a little bit of that chip away, it gets better. And one day you'll look back on that time where you felt like there was no way out and you'll thank yourself that you didn't believe that, that you kept going with the faith that it could change. so, Jeanette, I'm glad you. You. You're here and that you need to hear those words. Hello to all of you coming in right now on Instagram. I see we're live on Instagram. We're also live on Tick Tock. Korean chick on Tick Tock saying, then watching you. Your YouTube every night. It's really helped me. Thank you. Well, thank you for watching. We're gonna do some questions today. I wanted to let everyone know that in just a few days time, in five days, I'm doing a big, free online event called casual to committed. where I'm gonna be helping anyone who is seriously looking for a long-term relationship. You can find the link at www.lovelifetraining.com, sign up for free and join us for the time that we're gonna spend together, probably about an hour, but we're gonna spend real time together helping you in your love life if you want to find a committed relationship. For anyone who is on Instagram or Facebook, you can literally comment the word commit and I will send you a link in your DMs to sign up to that. So if you're on TikTok or YouTube, go to lovelifetraining.com if you're on Instagram watching this or Facebook, just comment the word commit and you can sign up. And I really am excited to see you all there. So if you're already coming or if you're just signing up now, put I'll be there in the chat because I'd love to know who's coming and who's joining us. Vega, I'm glad you're going to come. I've just got a question passed to me actually by my wife, Audrey, who is sat off to the side. Caroline says, I connected with a guy who was really genuine and felt like a soulmate. He now just wants to be friends with benefits and I am starting to get feelings. He's called it off. so. Okay. He was really genuine. That's. That's great. But someone being genuine doesn't make them a great partner. It's an important prerequisite for a great partner, but it's not all that's necessary for a great partner. Caroline, you need much more than that. Someone can be a genuine. Right? I'm not saying this man was, but. Being genuine is no guarantee of even being a good person. Being genuine just means you are who you are, you're authentic. So, okay, there was an authenticity to this person. You say he felt like a soulmate, but the only real measure of a relationship is someone who can deliver Feeling like someone's a soulmate isn't the same as someone being able to deliver as a soulmate. In order to have a lifetime relationship, someone has to be able to deliver. I think that we miss this so much. We get so caught up in the feelings that we have towards someone that we forget that it's someone's ability to actually deliver, which means that matters, which means they have to be competent at relationships, very underlooked or overlooked quality. The idea of actually being, in a sense, qualified for a relationship. Right. You can have someone who at in their heart, at their core, is a good person, but anytime they are even mildly threatened, is really destructive or freezes you out and gives you the silent treatment for days on end or is mean to you or is, you know, lashes out out of their own fear. Well, however good they may be deep down, that person is probably not up, unless they work on themselves, is not up to the task of having a relationship. Relationships require someone who has the ability, the competence to have a relationship. Relationships also require discipline. Does someone have the discipline to have a relationship? A relationship over time? You know, I've. I've had my organization in one form or another for 17 years of my life. That's how long I've been. coaching people in their love lives. You can be sure that there were days, sometimes months, even years, where I wasn't feeling it in the way that I did two years ago or three years ago. And for me, my relationship with my work has been like a marriage. Way before I got married, I was in a marriage, and that was with the work that I do with my vocation. And that marriage required discipline, discipline to stick with it, discipline to keep going, discipline to go deeper, discipline to keep learning, discipline to stay curious about it, discipline to not allow the. The boredom to overtake me and instead recognize that maybe the boredom was an invitation to go deeper, not to run away. I think many of you will have followed my videos for long enough to see that it has gone deeper over the years. Right. That's been that. That's not the result of just continued inspiration. It's the result of continued commitment. It's the result of continued discipline. And discipline is in the exact same way required for a long-term relationship. I. What I read, Caroline, is that this person was genuine, but Genuine doesn't mean disciplined. Genuine doesn't mean capable of having a relationship. Genuine just means that you admired or were attracted to that person's authenticity. But now he wants to be friends with benefits. So what he's telling you is, I'm not capable of having a relationship or I'm not willing to give you a relationship. And so that person has shown you that they're missing the fundamental qualities required for you. to continue to see them as a worthwhile investment. So I want you to understand that you can have feelings for someone who is wrong for you. You can have feelings for someone who is going to cause you endless pain. Having feelings for someone is not a... that can't be taken as the only measure of whether we should keep investing in someone or whether someone would have ever been good for us. All right? I have feelings for certain foods that I know I shouldn't spend my life eating. Right? It's in relationships, it's the same thing. Feelings aren't enough. And feelings, just because you have feelings for someone, it doesn't mean that person is capable of making you happy. This person, in fact, is already making you unhappy. And that's something, that's the other thing we don't pay attention to enough, is that this person is already making you unhappy by what they're doing. But in our twisted logic, when we have feelings, we think that they are the key to our happiness. Isn't it funny? Like, isn't that crazy when you really think about it? Think about how upside down that is that we think that the person who is the key to our happiness is the person who is making us unhappy. Look how backwards that really is. So, Caroline, I'm sorry you're going through this, but this person is not someone who is making you happy. And to me, they've already failed the test of what you need from a person. Tyra says, oh, my God, this topic is huge for understanding. We 100 need a YouTube video. Thank you so much. Well, maybe Audrey, we should make a YouTube video about that. We'll see. We're gonna make a video today. So if there's something you're like, please make a video on this, then tell us, because today is video day. So if you're like, that's the one, make a video on that. Let me know if you hear something else I say and you're like, no, no, no, that's the one. Let's kind of almost get a bit of a, like, informal vote going of what you want me to make a video on. What else do we have question wise? By the way, for anyone just coming in now, lovelifetraining.com is the link to go and join me on the free training that I am doing on October the 22nd, all about how to go from casual to committed, whether you're single and looking for someone and keep meeting unavailable people or whether you're already seeing someone and it's not progressing, this is where I'm going to help lovelifetraining.com and if you're on Instagram or Facebook, you can even just comment the word commit, one word commit, and I'll send you a link. All right, what's next? Sassy the Unicorn says, question. I've invited my crush to two things he's not been able to attend. Do I invite him to my birthday? And if so, how do I go about texting him without making it awkward? so I don't know who this crush is, whether there's someone who's sort of already in your friendship Circle or whether there's someone that's very much on the periphery of your life. But, you know, I think your birthday is a special moment for you to spend time with people that you care about and who love you. Sassy says he is a friend. Okay, so my and a co-worker okay, so that this gets layers more complicated, doesn't it? With these things, I I would say, I don't know whether your birthday birthday is some 100 person party that you're having or whether I suspect is more true. It's a more intimate affair. I think that you have to be really careful because this person isn't. I don't know how close this person is, but maybe you're wanting him to be closer than he is. Is he. Is this like a best friend or is this someone who's like, yeah, they're an acquaintance. Be honest. Sassy the Unicorn, tell me in the comments right now. I'm waiting for your answer. Is this a close friend, really? Or is it someone who's just sort of. you know, on the edge of your friendship group. And because I think that it's very, you have to be very careful of mixing these intimate affairs with people that you actually want to date because that could be quite confusing for you. So yeah, you said we're in the same friend group, but we're not close. Then should this person be at your birthday? That's my question. Why isn't your birthday for the people that you care about? Isn't it for the people that love you? Isn't it for the people that, you know, when you really think who sparks joy for me to be in a room together? Isn't it for those people? If you're inviting this person to your birthday, firstly it could create more of a feeling of intimacy with someone you don't have intimacy with. And secondly, you don't want that to kind of compensate for the fact that the last two times you've invited them to something, they haven't said yes. I don't think that the right follow-up to that is to upgrade the intimacy of the invite to something even more kind of personal. I think that being at your birthday is something that someone earns, not something you just invite someone to because you like them. And I think that sends a message to them that they're more on the inside of your life than they really are or have any right to be. Your. I. I. What I would do is spend your birthday with people you love and care about so that there's nothing going on at your birthday that could in any way adversely affect you emotionally, because, you know, you're going to spend your boat. Your birthday is about you. You're going to now spend your birthday not thinking about you and your special day. You're going to be looking over thinking about whether this person is having a good time or not, or whether they like you or not, or whether you're getting the right signs from them or not. That's not what your birthday is about. Your birthday is about how awesome you are. So don't cloud your birthday with that energy and that nervousness and that self-consciousness. Share your birthday with people you love. Invite them to something where you're on neutral ground and you can just enjoy it separately for what it is. All right. Very good. What else do we have? I hope that helps. Sassy, let me know if it did. Graciela says, if I want a hookup to turn into a relationship as a woman, what can I say? to the guy without scaring him away. If I want to hook up to turn into a relationship, what can I say to the guy without scaring him away? This is going to be a big part of what we're going to talk about on the 22nd of October. So full disclosure, I can't get into nearly the detail that I'm going to there during this session. I'll give you some thoughts to play with, but if this is a big, like, how do I do this question for anyone out there, you have to come join us. on the 22nd, lovelifetraining.com is that link again. Oh, and if you're on Instagram or Facebook, type the word commit right now. Type in commit and hit send so that it comes up as a comment. And I will then send you the link to your DMS to go and register for free for the event. It'll take seconds. It's very easy. Okay, so If the idea, okay, let me start by saying this. The idea of turning a hookup into a relationship presupposes that it's already gotten to the point of a hookup. So let me back up from that for a moment and just say as a general idea, a general principle, if we're serious about having a relationship, we have to then be serious about whether or not hooking up in general is something that serves us. That's not to say if you hooked up with someone, you should see that as a big problem. It's not to say you should judge yourself for hooking up with someone, none of that. But if you know that you want a serious relationship, then it's worth considering How would I approach dating people if I wanted to convey from the beginning that there was a kind of standard for what I expected in terms of seriousness and intentionality for me to get close to someone in the first place? And look, there is a bit of a catch-22 about this that I always want to point out because it's not easy. We have this strange kind of state of affairs where on one hand, we are trying to get, we're trying to kind of actually build a connection with someone and no one wants to go on a date and hear from someone else. So where is this going? Because if we went on a date and within an hour someone said to us, where is this going? You'd be like, Probably nowhere, because you're scaring me. We don't know each other. So there's obviously a time at which it feels way too intense for someone to be asking us where it's going or suggesting that they need answers from us. I even think it can be challenging to talk to someone about whether they want a relationship as early as the first date. Because really, all we're trying to do on date one is figure out, are we having a good time together? Are we having a good time together? Is this enjoyable? And people at that point are like, there will always be people who are like, I don't want to waste my time. So if they're not open to a relationship, I'm not even going to have a date with them. Okay, fine. If someone says in their dating app profile, I am not interested in having a relationship. Only hookups, please. Then, yes, don't go on a date with that person. That seems like an obviously bad bet. But if you start speaking to someone and you have no knowledge as to their intentions, only that they have been willing to go on a date, it's really just a chance for you to go and see if you have a good time with them and vice versa. Right? Not to over analyze it in terms of their intentions. I think that people's intentions reveal themselves so long as we are steady with our amount of investment. And if someone's ever asking for more investment than we're comfortable with, especially, you know, if they're inconsistent with their communication, they reach out after two weeks of not speaking to us after date one or two and then say, what are you up to tonight? You know, that doesn't suggest a high degree of intentionality. So when those things happen, we can start to bring more intentionality to them. And when they see that, they'll realize what we're in the market for. And it very quickly becomes clear that there's a mismatch between what they're looking for and what you're looking for. But we can't Shield ourselves. We can't. We can't protect ourselves from every possible person who doesn't want the same things as us by trying to ward all of those wrong people off at the gate before we even get on a date with them. I think that's important to say. Otherwise we'd never go on a date with anybody or because we'd be looking for more certainty than anyone can provide at that stage. And like one date isn't that much wasted time. three months spent with someone who has the different intentions than you. That's wasted time. But a date isn't that big of a deal. So that's the first point. Now, in Graciela's case, she says, you know, I, there's a implied is I've already hooked up with someone. So how do I now turn that into a relationship? Let me say this. never ever be afraid to create a second first impression, right? Never ever be afraid of creating a second first impression. Now, what do I mean? I think we worry that because we've slept with someone already, we now feel that that's the level we're at with that person, even if it suggests a level of closeness or intimacy that we've not actually achieved with them. Sleeping with someone can make you feel like you're closer to someone than you really are. And this guy might, because you've already hooked up, might now feel entitled to hooking up again the next time you meet up. You might meet up and they're like, hey, let's go home together after this date, or they may even just invite you straight to their home, 'cause they're like, we already reached that stage, so what's the point in going out now? your job is to show someone that then there's not, you're not being, you don't have to be mad about it or you don't have to be passive aggressive about it or, or anything like that. It's not like you're now laying down the law, having slept with someone, because it's also, you have to be careful not to have, bring an energy that suggests that you regret what you've already done with someone, because that in itself can turn into the wrong kind of energy. You know, now, instead of bringing a kind of sexy, confident, that was so much fun. But you know what? If we're going to keep doing that, it has to be, you know, because there's some kind of progression here. Otherwise, I wouldn't, you know, that, like, that's not for me. You can bring that sexy, confident energy that shows you don't regret what's already happened, but. that in order to can, to actually continue investing here and to be true to yourself, you need to, you need to actually see that this person's being intentional because you're being intentional in your love life. That's a very powerful place to come from. But what we have to be careful is that energy of I should never have hooked up with you in the first place. And, you know, I regret it because I moved too fast with you and all of that. Because if we bring that energy to someone, it's kind of like we're not We're not owning ourselves. And it's almost like we're communicating that there's something we think is wrong with what we've done. It's almost like we're communicating that we think we've somehow lost our value by having hooked up with someone. And that's not true. That's nonsense. So why would we give someone else that idea and plant that idea in their head that now we've lost our value because we hooked up with them? And how do I now get you to want a relationship with me? Let's not come in with that energy. Let's come in with the energy of hooking up with me is awesome because I'm an amazing person for anyone to have the privilege of hooking up with. But if someone wants to continue to enjoy hooking up with me, it has to be with a sense of intentionality behind it. And you're then coming from that place. And if you want to know more about how that looks again, we're going to be, I'm going to go into this in much more detail. on the 22nd. I've got all sorts of scripts I want to give you and ways of thinking about this that are going to take it to another level. I want to keep going with the questions, but let me know if even just that way of thinking felt more empowering, like, oh, that starts to make things click a little more. All right. Very good. Matthew, please do a podcast where you answer relationship questions, says Porsche, you're going to get thousands of followers. It's funny, Audrey has been saying for a while now we need to do more relationship content. And maybe we will. Maybe we will. Maybe we'll do like one episode a month just purely on relationships. That could be a fun way to mix it up. So, yeah, maybe we'll do that. All right, what else? Do you want a question about a long-term relationship? or changing something about yourself to. To attract someone. What are you like? I want to offer it to you. Maybe the latter. All right, let's go with the latter. All right. Athena says, I'm always dressed like a tomboy. It makes me feel comfortable, but lately I feel it may be a kind of hindrance. to getting someone? Is that true? Or maybe I should wait for the right one. That's an interesting question. Look, I firstly, I think you have to ask yourself, I think there's layers to this question. You have to ask yourself whether being a tomboy and dressing like a tomboy is genuinely you being true to yourself. Sorry, there's a huge garbage truck outside right now that is. I don't know if you can hear. You probably can't hear. I can hear. It's very distracting. There's the question of whether this is you being very true to yourself. Because sometimes what we say is me being true to myself is really just what makes us. feel comfortable, not what is a full expression of us. So, key question, is this truly me being true to myself or is this me being comfortable? And I think you answered that question a little bit, Athena, because you said, I'm always dressed like a tomboy. It makes me feel comfortable. I'll tell you what makes me feel comfortable is pajamas. I would happily dress in pajamas every day of the week. And because I work from home most of the time, that has been far too easy for me. But right now, like, I'm less comfortable, you know, I'm wearing this knitted sweater and some nice trousers and a belt. You didn't need me to wear that today. But I was like, I'm going to do a live and I'm going to get dressed. I'm going to get dressed because it makes me feel a certain way. And because I feel a certain way, I bring a different energy to you than if I was in my sweats. So, Arthena, my question to you is, I want to be very careful here because you should dress in a way that's true to you. But be careful what you've decided is true to you because it might not be It might not truly express the full breadth of who you are. Maybe there's a part of you that would have fun getting dressed up. Maybe there's a part of you that would have fun playing with your style a little more. I love being in pajamas, but I also learned to love getting dressed up in a way that makes me feel good or brings out a different energy, brings out a little more confidence, brings out a little more of a flirtatious vibe. There are things that you can wear that will make you feel more flirtatious. and that's going to make you bring a different energy to people. So I don't think that it's you being dressed as a tomboy. That is the hindrance, right? It can be a hindrance if you're looking for someone who's looking for someone who's very feminine. Of course, that can be a hindrance, but there are other people who won't mind you being dressed as a tomboy or they'll be attracted to it. So that's not a hindrance to everybody. It will be a hindrance if you're looking for someone who's attracted to feminine energy. And I think that's worth considering. But the potentially, the even more important thing is that the way that you dress is going to bring out a certain energy of yours. And that energy is going to have a big impact on the results you get. Because if you always feel comfortable Dressed as a tomboy, it might that you might never be bringing out the energy that makes you feel more playful or more flirtatious or more confident. You almost have to ask yourself, is comfort the only thing I'm ever driving for? When I go to jujitsu in the morning, comfort is not what I feel, but it makes me feel good and it makes me feel more confident to go and do that. So that's the key. Do you feel like this is giving you what you want? Is it expressing the full breadth of you? Or is it a way of kind of, has it been almost a way of keeping yourself comfortable? Does that make sense? I hope that helps, Athena. And thank you for a genuine and vulnerable question. I think we've all been in that place at some point in our lives of figuring out what feels right for us style-wise and what feels good, uncomfortable, and what just feels like it's not us. But also remember that even if you love the tomboy look and that's what you're happy with, that's okay. But that can't be an excuse to only bring a certain kind of energy. You've still got to bring the full breadth of your energy. My argument is changing up the way we look sometimes, depending on the day, the hour, the occasion. is actually becomes a catalyst for a new kind of energy when we do it in a way that works for us. All right, what do we got? Blondine. Is this a French name, Audrey? Blondine. Blondine Badeau. It sounds French. I feel like the focus I made on my. I feel like the focus I made on my growth. and the work I did on myself after I was left by a man because he wasn't ready is totally pointless now that I know he has found someone else. How can I move on? That is such a great and honest question. This idea that, you know, I made this folk, I put all this focus on my growth and did all this work on myself, you know, and it was all predicated on this guy being a child. who couldn't commit to a relationship. And, you know, I'm. I'm the grown-up one who's going to go and do this work and do what he can't and get better and turn. And then all of a sudden, he gets into a relationship, and it's like, wait, the story I've been telling myself about who this person is and how much they suck and how much they're not capable of having a relationship seems like it's redundant because he actually did get into a relationship. look, to me, that is even more validation for the fact that this person was wrong for you. You know, they. Everyone, I mean, I got most people have been in a situation where someone left them saying that they just weren't ready or they couldn't settle down or, you know, they were feeling suffocated or whatever it may be, and then ended up in another relationship. And it feels so painful because then it feels like the most personal rejection. Oh, it wasn't that. you didn't want a relationship. It was just that you didn't want me. That feels so painful, but it can be seen another way, which is that this is confirmation that this person wasn't right for you because they chose somebody else. And the right person for us is the person who chooses us. I will also say that you should never be under the illusion that the things that made that person hard to be with or the things that made that person feel like they couldn't sustain a relationship with you. Don't just go away for that person because they're dating a new person. That the things that made them a hard person to be with will almost inevitably make them a hard person to be with their next partner. No one gets off free, right? If you have stuff that you, if you leave a relationship and get into a new one, you're not a changed person just because you're in a new relationship. You still have to work on all of the same things that you had to work on in the last relationship. And there's no guarantee that he's any more capable of sustaining this new relationship than he was with sustaining your relationship. There are plenty of people who leave someone because they loot the novelty wears off and they're someone who relies on novelty to keep a relationship going. They don't have discipline and they're not capable of keeping a relationship going. And so they leave. And then when they get with someone else, the person they left goes, oh my God, there's something wrong with me. They left me, but they went for somebody else. But guess what? One day the novelty is going to wear off with that person too. So unless they can figure that out for themselves and work on that, there's no guarantee that this new relationship they're in is going to work. I'm not saying you should root for it to fail, but don't be under the illusion that there's no problems in their relationship. that just because we're looking at it from the outside or seeing it on Instagram, that that relationship behind closed doors lives up to the superficial portrayal of it that you're seeing from the outside. I'll bet that there were people who looked at your relationship with that man from the outside and thought you were great until the day that you weren't together anymore. Isn't that true? How many people have ever been in a relationship? Put your hand up in the comments. How many people have ever been in a relationship that to the rest of the world, would have looked awesome until the day that you broke up when you had to tell the world we're no longer in that relationship. So why would we think that it's any less true for the relationship our ex is now in? Why would we discard everything that's been true about our breakups in the past and what's been going on behind closed doors in our relationships and think that the opposite is true? when someone we've been with in the past is now with someone else and that in their case, their relationship is as blissful and as happy on the inside as it's portrayed to be on the outside. You have to be very careful with that. That's insecurity driving that idea. Right? Very good. What else? Blondine, thank you for the question. who's, who's glad they came today? Who's having a nice time? I'm happy to be with you. Hi, everyone, on Instagram. Good to see you here. If you are just joining, I want to keep saying it because I know a bunch of you are going to miss it if we're not careful. There's a big event going on with me online on the 22nd of October. It is called casual to committed. The three core principles. for getting to commitment without games or ultimatums. And I'm gonna be teaching all of that on October the 22nd. Go over to lovelifetraining.com to sign up for this free training. If you're single and you keep wanting to find someone who's willing to commit and you keep running into people who are emotionally unavailable or say they're not ready, this is for you. If you are seeing someone right now and you feel stuck because you don't know how to progress things, you don't know how to go from a hookup to a real relationship, or you don't know how to go from having been with this person on and off for three years to a real relationship and you feel stuck, this event is for you. It's for anyone who really, really is done with the casual world of dating today and wants a real relationship. It's gonna be a great event. If you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment the word COMMIT. and I will send you a link. And if you're on YouTube or TikTok, just go to this link right here, www.lovelifetraining.com and you can sign up in seconds and I will send you an email with all of the details of the event. I'll send you a link so that you can join us on the day. All right, very good. Audrey, is there anything you're liking? Yeah, what do we have? Any questions? Oh, we have one from Halle. who says, question, an acquaintance of a few years has been texting me every day for weeks. And when I tried to ask him out a week ago, he said no. And that he's dating someone. He continues texting every day. What to do? So I, an acquaintance of a few years has been texting me every day for weeks. Okay, well, you kind of called his bluff, right? I mean, it's like he texted you every day for weeks, then you said, okay, time to put your money where your mouth is. Why don't we do something? You tried to ask him out. That's right. That's a normal thing if you're texting with someone every day and it's never getting lift off beyond the texting phase. and he said no and that he's dating someone. Firstly, let's address the elephant in the room. I don't even think this is an elephant in the room. If he's already dating someone, why is he texting you every day? Number one. And why does he continue texting you every day? Number two. And number three. and this might be the most important one, why is it that you, Hallie, have not made the calculation that someone who is apparently unavailable enough that they can't go out with you because they're dating someone, but is texting you every day anyway? Is a bad person for you to want to date. Let me repeat. There's an external thing going on here, which is how weird someone texting you every day who never actually materializes into a real date. And then when you ask them on a real date, they tell you they're dating someone, so they can't go on a real date. But what I can do is keep texting you anyway. That's strange. But, Halle, why is it that for you, nothing to do with him, Why for you have you made the calculation that a good person for you to date is someone who is texting you every day, even though they're dating someone? And again, I don't think it would be a problem if he was dating someone, but he wasn't committed to that person and he was texting you. I don't think there's no one set of rules in life. Someone can be in a casual dating phase with different people and texting you. That wouldn't be a crime. But if what he's saying is is, I'm dating someone, therefore I can't go out with you, but I'm going to keep texting you. Then clearly he is dating someone to the extent that he shouldn't be seeing someone else. So why is it that you continue to see this person as appealing? And what that tells me is your focus is in the wrong place. Your focus, Halie, and I don't know exactly where your focus is because I need more detail for that. But your focus is either on the fact that you feel like you're in a place of scarcity in your love life right now. So any attention feels better than no attention. So that's drawing you back to this person who's giving you attention. Or, and or, this person's hot. So you're like, I'm attracted. to this person and maybe they seem like a catch and maybe they look on paper or in pictures like the kind of person that you would like to see yourself dating. Maybe there's an ego element to it telling you that if I could just get someone like him, that would make me enough. But there's. That's where your focus is in one of those. places. Your focus is not on the most important thing that it can possibly be on for anyone who is serious about finding a long-term relationship, which is on this person's character. I know your focus isn't on his character, because if your focus was on his character, this wouldn't even be the question you're asking me today. you'd be asking me a completely different question because this person would already not be on your radar. And, guys, I want to say this before. Let's throw the link back up, David. I'm. I'm gonna say one more thing before we drop off here. What we choose in the culture of what the culture we decide to create around us. is going to determine the quality of our life, the quality of our relationships, the peace of mind we experience. You have to obsess over the quality of the human beings that you keep in your life. I'm laughing at the comment that goes, how many garbage trucks are in Matt's neighborhood? It's garbage day, okay? But also, why is he doing laps? around our house specifically makes no sense. Or she I think it's a he. We have to obsess over the culture of the people we let into our lives. Let me tell you a quick story and then I'm gonna go. I want you to think about this as you go into your week, the end of your week. When I was a teenager, my passion was DJing. And every Friday and Saturday night, but from the age of 13, I was the local DJ for people's parties. If you were a 16 year old having a 16th birthday party, I was the guy that you called. And I made my living as a teenager. Or, you know, that was how I made money as a teenager, was going out there and DJing. And I loved it. It was my passion. It wasn't just something I did because it was a job. It was something I did because I loved music, I loved playing out. And from the age of 14, I started playing in nightclubs. And I played in one nightclub every Friday and Saturday night. And one night there were a group of guys who came in and saw me DJing and they were very complimentary. And they came over to me and they were like, you. I must have been maybe 15, 16 at the time, and they were like, you're really good. if you were in the UK, you'd know who you'd know like the accent that I'd be doing but there was like, it was like your great Brav, your class DJ Brav, it was like that. They were like, you,'re really good. And we have a pirate radio station and you could come, you should come and DJ one of the main sets on the station and they wanted me to come and DJ at the station. And at the time, that was like a kind of big deal, especially on the big pirate radio stations. It was like a big deal to be able to go and do that because that was where some major DJs came out of. And I was excited about the idea of the, I knew the station they were talking about. There were some DJs I really admired on this station. And I thought, this could be a really big thing. Like, this is exciting. I've got these older guys who are coming to me and telling me I'm great as this teenager. and telling me they want me to come and DJ at this pirate station. And I went home and I'd spent enough time talking to these guys to know that there was a... let's just say I didn't feel like they were my people. And I felt like where I'd have to go to do this and the kinds of people it would put me around, would put me on a different path than the path that I needed to be on. And I ended up saying no to this opportunity that really excited me because I said, there's something about this crowd that isn't going to elevate me. I was talking to Oliver Bergman just the other day for the Love Life Podcast. Amazing episode coming up, by the way, on the Love Life Podcast with Oliver Burkeman, the author of 4,000 Weeks and the new book Meditation for Mortals. And he was talking about a question that James Hollis, I believe, poses, which is, will this diminish me or enlarge me? And the age of 15 or whatever I was, I wasn't asking this question in this way. But I know that on a visceral level, I felt the impact of that question, which was, will spending time with these people diminish me or enlarge me? Yes, it's an exciting opportunity. Yes, I feel very flattered by the opportunity. It's definitely seductive. My ego is screaming for me to do it. And yet, I believe that being around this crowd is going to diminish me. And that wasn't a elitist thing. Anyone who knows me knows I grew up around all sorts of people in my life, DJing in a nightclub. I was around every type of my family. I mean, my God, if you met my family, you'd realize my family has every type. You know, we're from, you know, the East End of London, so it wasn't that. It was that the character of these people was something that I knew wasn't going to enlarge me. It was going to diminish me. I felt that on a gut level. And so I said no to something that felt incredibly attractive, something that felt sexy, something that felt like something I wanted to show off. I'm on this, you know, I'm on this, radio station and I'm with these guys that I want to be seen with and all of that. But I knew on a deeper level, this is not where I want to be. And these are not the people I want to be around. The same can be applied at every stage of life. And anyone who knows me will back this up that in my life, I'm never afraid. Even when I like someone, I'm never afraid to walk away from that friendship. or walk away from that situation when I feel like the character of that person isn't in line with the culture that I wanna create in my life. We have to apply the same logic to our love lives. There is something exciting about being with someone who's very attractive or very seductive or, you know, makes our ego want to say yes. But we have to ask, is this truly the character that is going to enlarge me or is this going to diminish me? And in the case of Hallie, I think it was you continuing to pine over someone who has told you they're not available and yet they continue to text you every day. That would immediately be a character red flag for me. That would make me go, oh, let me give you a wide berth because you're not my kind of culture, you're not my kind of people. no matter how attractive I thought you were. And in fact, when someone isn't your kind of culture or people, very often that can successfully make someone less attractive if you really connect to it. And when they become less attractive, you won't even feel the loss of giving them up because you'll be like, I don't want to be around that kind of person in the first place. I'm gonna leave it there. This was way longer than anything I thought I was going to do today. Let me ask you a question. If this has helped you today, there are two things you can do. One for you, one for me after this. All right? The first one that you can do for you is come and join us here at lovelifetraining.com if you want to, if you're like this, this live coaching is what I want more of. Lovelifetraining.com on the 22nd of October is where we're going to do it together. Okay? So go there now. and if you're on Instagram or Facebook, just comment the word commit and I will send you a link to go and join that training. It's free. It's only happening once and I don't want you to miss it. So come join us there, especially if you're looking for a committed relationship. This is going to be right on the money for the advice that's going to help you. Lovelifetraining.com go sign up now before you forget the thing that you can do for me. is we're making a video today and we have a couple of hours to make this video, but we need to know what the video is going to be about. And I really want to listen to you guys in terms of what you think is most powerful and what you think could help you the most. So of everything we've talked about today, especially for those of you who have been there since the beginning of this live, what is the video that you would love for me to make out of the content from today? Was there one moment today where you're like, please make a video about that. That was awesome. I would love to hear from you. That would really help me. I'm going to give you just 30 seconds to do that. Just comment. Whatever your favorite part of today was that you want me to talk about in a video, let me know. Victor, thank you. I really appreciate it. I really appreciate it. Michelle says boundaries. Rona Sizer says the ending. So I guess that's the who you associate with part that I was doing at the end. Pauline says the last question. You like the last one? No. All right. Creating the culture around you. Okay. All right. Very cool. Well, I'm going to read more of your comments. If you don't, Sandra says the last question we discussed. All right. Good to know. Well, we'll post this live for anyone who missed it or is just coming in now. But go check it out and leave me a comment if you're watching this on, you know, Instagram or Facebook or YouTube. Go leave me a comment there so that I know what you thought and especially with regards to the video you want me to make. And I look forward to seeing you all on the 22nd of October. Last chance, love lifetraining.com, go check it out and I'll see you on the 22nd. Okay, much love, everyone. Have a great, great rest of your Thursday and an amazing weekend, and I'm sending you love wherever you are. Thanks, everyone.