Answering Your Questions!

I believe we're live. We'll see if anyone shows up.

This is like throwing a birthday party and then no one coming.

People will come, I think. I hope. When you get here, leave us a comment. Put us out of our misery. one person. Yeah. Oh, that's Jeremy. He's in one person, and he's in the same room as us. All right, let's see what happens. I feel like people are gonna start coming in soon. So we're gonna answer some questions today and just have some time with you guys because I feel like we haven't gone live on YouTube in a long. Well, we went live on YouTube recently, but it wasn't just for YouTube. It was.

Hi Mary.

For different platforms.

Hi guys. Hey, I'm so glad you guys are here. Literally, we were just here for the last two minutes and no one showed up. And we said it felt like, you know, when you're throwing a birthday party and you feel like no one's gonna show up.

It was quite distressing.

But now everyone's here. Oh my god, there's 230 people. This is amazing.

Hey Asta, to you in India, Marina, hello to you in Barbados. Lisa, what's going on? Hi SB, hi Alex. This is gonna be fun. This is gonna be like a live podcast just for YouTube. So if you're in the car right now, you can just listen to us live and hopefully listen and not watch. But if you're around the house and you just wanna listen in for a few minutes right now, Well, let's talk. Let's see what's going on with everybody, see how everyone's doing, and just have a little catch up YouTube with not being able to get together like this for a long time. So Nancy says, I got divorced thanks to your advice. I always say to people, I'm as happy when they come up to me and tell me that they left a relationship that was wrong for them. as a result of my advice, as I am when they come and say, I found love because of you. I found a relationship because you get your life back. You know, if you're with the wrong person, you get your life back. Qxy, Matt, you're so soothing and optimistic to listen to. Thank you so much. Let's see. So, look, why don't we get into some questions? It's gonna. We're gonna do it. Answer some questions today and. and just see what's going on with everybody. So let's see. Anonymous says, hey, what do I do? I have had crushes who never reciprocated my feelings, had a breakup with a guy who loved me, but I never loved him. Will I ever find reciprocal love? And how? Yeah, that's such a good question. It's. It can feel like love is nowhere to be found when You know, we either have really strong feelings or they do, but it never seems to match up at the same time with the right person. I'm a big believer in patience in our love life. I think that we sometimes rush into things just because we really want to be in a relationship with somebody. And that might mean that we're with someone that we don't really feel much for. You know, it often means that we go chasing after people who aren't right for us. Sometimes we have to go slow to go fast in our love lives. And say to yourself, you know what? Here's a really important piece of advice. Tell yourself you have a five year time frame to find love instead of a one year time frame or a six month time frame. Because if you start looking at it like, you know what? I want to find love in the next five years. You do things differently than if you're desperate to find love right now. You start building a life that you're proud of. You put yourself in communities where you might meet the right kinds of people. You don't go chasing after people who aren't into you. You wait until it syncs up where you feel strong feelings for someone and they feel strong feelings for you. so I don't know if you want to add anything to that because I know we have like 10 different ways to talk about this answer.

Well, I also think that if you can recognize a pattern that's going on in your love life, that's a very useful piece of information because patterns tend to be a clue as to what we're trying to basically soothe and what we're trying to heal within ourselves. And oftentimes our patterns are things that we've experience our entire lives. So, you know, a pattern could be, I'm always drawn to chaos, for instance. I operate in chaos. And so then my relationships, my friendships, the way I interact with the world is always a reflection of that, because what I'm drawn to is chaos. It's what I know. And so, you know, looking at this pattern, this idea of, like, you know, the. The Paradox of I'm always. Everyone I always like doesn't like me. And then the people that like me, I don't like. that's also a pattern. And so just going really inwards and looking at yourself and thinking, where does that come from for me? What is it about the people that don't want me that make me feel so strongly about them? What is it about the people that do want me that makes me feel not strongly about them? And it might be that you can have a lot of Clues along the way in your relationships as to, you know, where that comes from for you. So I. I always think a pattern is a very useful insight into how we feel.

And question why as part of that pattern, because that's a fantastic answer, as part of that pattern, question why it is that you get so into people who don't reciprocate. Because a huge barometer for all of us for whether we've found something special is have we found someone who truly gets us, who sees us, and who accepts us. Like that should be one of the highest barometers for love that we have. So if, you know, if someone sees us and accepts us and they decide that that's for them, that's one of the most beautiful things you could ever find. If someone doesn't see you, they don't see what's valuable about you, they don't accept you. You know, a lot of people never get to that point with us, right? We're like, we idolize someone or we idealize someone and think they're great, but they don't really see us. You know, if they did really see us and they accepted us, then there's a sign of a much deeper connection. But someone who's not texting us back, is that the person who really sees and accepts you? They probably don't even know you well enough to see you. So why is it that someone who doesn't see and accept us is someone we have such strong feelings for? yeah. Why? Why would we make that person that important in the first place? Again, the most beautiful thing about a relationship is someone who gets you and someone who sees you and wants that. If someone's not giving you that, they cannot be that important for your love life. Yeah.

There was someone who wrote something, and I thought it's so interesting about it always ending up and I can't find it, but it basically said, I always end up with emotionally unavailable. partners and in the beginning they seem really into it but then after a while they're not into it and this pattern keeps happening. You know, what should I do and where does this come from? And the reason I want to point that out is because it's something we talked about earlier but I really think it's worth repeating. There is a difference between somebody who likes you and somebody who's actually willing to invest in you in a meaningful way. And you know, the idea that you meet someone and in the beginning they're excited and all in that's them liking you. At the point where you have to have a conversation and say, what is this? That's the point of investment. They're two very different things. And so that's why that's happening. It's because they were not available, emotionally unavailable. They were just, they were not ready from the beginning. It's just that in the beginning, you didn't see that because all you were basing your kind of reciprocity from was just the way that they were with you, the sort of like the one, them wanting to see you, they're wanting to text you, all of those things, which are very different things from true investment. So I thought it was just a worthwhile thing to highlight. It's just that there's a lot of people out there who are very, very happy to, you know, enjoy your time and see you and date you and have fun with you and all of these things. They're not necessarily people who are ready and willing to commit and invest in you, and they're two very, very different.

Things. That's such a great point. Bindi cat, I am excited about tomorrow as well. I'm so happy that you're joining. I've seen a couple of you already tell us that you're happy, that you're really excited about tomorrow. For everyone who doesn't know, tomorrow at 11 a.m. PT, we are doing an event called the love life reset, and I'm gonna be with you for an entire hour going live. and talking about how even if you feel like your love life hasn't worked out so far, you can hit reset and get different results starting today. You know, it's based on this idea that whatever has happened in your past, in your love life, does not have to equal your future. You just need a new psychology in your love life and a fresh approach. And I'm going to be giving it to you over the space of an hour tomorrow. So for anyone who hasn't signed up yet, leave us a comment and let us know if you haven't. In fact, tell us if you have. Say, I have signed up, if you have, and say not yet if you haven't. But if you haven't, go to lovelifetraining.com and you can sign up. It's completely free, this event. So you can sign up in 20 seconds and we'll send you an email with a link so that you can join us for the session tomorrow. And it's going to be really, really powerful. so don't miss it. It's only happening live once, so come join us. Lovelifetraining.com is the link so that you can join us tomorrow. And by the way, it's 11 a.m. Pacific time, but it's 2 p.m. Eastern time. And if you're on GMT, then it's.

7 p.m. Talia says, How to survive long-distance relationship when you have severe trust issues and an anxious detachment problem. Please, I desperately need your advice.

Yeah, that's really tough because you don't have, you know, the normal things that you have when you feel like you have visibility and you have regular physical contact with someone and you feel like you're able to see them regularly and you're more a part of their day when they're with you in the same town. That's, that's really difficult. And you, you know, that we have to find. Firstly, we have to find someone who really does care about making us feel safe. Someone who, by being with them, they're, they're an honest person. There isn't anything cryptic about the way they live their life. You know, they are, you know, if you ask them how their day went or what they got up to, you always get a straight answer. You know, it's you, you know, you. And you have the kind of Cadence of contact that you need. Now, of course, we want to manage that because we want to make sure that what we're asking of someone is reasonable. But you have enough contact that you feel like, okay, I'm not being given reasons to feel unsafe here. You know, this person doesn't disappear for days in a row, and I can't. reach them or I can't contact them. And also, you know, if you really have something special with someone, be clear, like, be honest with them about the fact that you feel, you know, I'm someone who can feel quite unsafe in relationships. You know, I. I have struggled in the past with trust, and it's something I'm working on. Be honest about. Don't just put it out there as like, it's your problem. but it's something I'm working on because it's, you know, it's been a thing that I've had to overcome in my life and I'm still working on it. And to tell you the truth, sometimes being in a long distance relationship brings up things that I have to work on. But I really appreciate you, you know, like every time we talk, I feel really safe or every time we, you know, we chat and, you know, I feel so connected to you and you can make it positive, just make it, you're sharing vulnerably. that is something that you can sometimes struggle with, but it's something you're working on. And then if you feel like you're not getting your needs met, if there are basic things that you feel like you need, then be honest about that. Here's the thing as well. A long-distance relationship is harder than a normal relationship in many ways, and it therefore requires, like, I'm a big believer in it's not that you shouldn't have a long-distance relationship. But you shouldn't bother having a long-distance relationship unless it's really great. Like it has to be really great for it to be worth it. And if it's not really great, then why bother? So you have to ask yourself, what does really great mean to you? Does really great mean that it's a relationship where there's really great communication? Does really great mean that we talk at least once a day? You know, does really great mean that we get excited about the next time we're going to see each other and we make a plan that there's real consistency to us seeing each other even though we're long distance? Define what really great means to you and don't do it on your most insecure day where you're like, well really great is that they text me every five minutes. Ask on a confident day where you think about the kind of relationship that you want to have that you feel is a confident but happy level of communication. Ask yourself what that looks like and then hold the relationship to that standard. And if it doesn't meet that standard, then it's not for you. Because why bother with a below average relationship that's already difficult by being long distance? If you're going to do long distance, it has to be great.

I want to add something to that just because I think we were, you and I, Matt and I were long distance for a year and a half, I think it was, before I moved to America, maybe two years. And it was really, really hard because I, I identify with having a more of an anxious attachment style. And so it was really, really hard. So what I will say is I think that having some healthy kind of parameters around, and this is applicable even if you don't have an anxious attachment style, honestly. just being able to say, like, we're long distance. So, you know, there might be time zones involved, there might be schedules involved, like, you know, you're out with your friends, you're doing this, you're doing that. Just saying to yourself, like, every time I wake up, I send you a message saying good morning. And then every time I go to sleep, I send you a message saying good night. And that way you have that, like, bookend to the day. And I know we found that really useful because it was almost like, you know, if If I was going to bed later or earlier or whatever, I would wake up to a message from you and vice versa. And it just makes you feel closer and it also makes you feel a little bit safer from the point of view of like they're thinking about me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. And that might feel like an inorganic thing to do in a way, but when you're long distance, you actually have to do a lot of weird like you have to apply structure to it because there is no structure because you're not seeing each other. so having structure and having the discipline of, like, being able to make sure you check into each other's day is really important. So I also think, you know, saying that to your partner, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just saying, like, this would mean a lot to me, as Matt says, you know, raising it from a vulnerable place of saying, I sometimes get a little bit anxious, and so this is something that would make me feel closer to you. And, you know, anyone that wants this relationship to work out will learn and say, say, great, no problem, I can do that. It's not, you're not asking for the world.

Ellie Lopez, I see that you've signed up for the event tomorrow. I'm so excited to see you. Marianne Rios, you're coming. SK, you said not yet. What's going on, SK? Why aren't you joining us yet? Go to lovelifetraining.com/sk Sign up now. Khamchar's not signed up yet. What the hell, Khamchar?

She's not convinced.

She's not sold. She is. No, she wants to be there. She just is saying, I haven't yet because I've been busy, but I am gonna do it right now. I think that's what you're saying, Khamchar, when you say not yet. Anonymous. Anonymous says not yet. Nell Ronk says I have. That's amazing. Bianca JJ says I have signed up. That's amazing. well, if you haven't signed up, go do it now. No, not yet. No, do it now. Lovelifetraining.com so that you can be with us tomorrow. For God's sakes, let's not waste any more time. Someone said they like your scrunchie. That's good. Clark Kent says, Matthew, you and your wife Rock for everyone who doesn't know. This is my wife, Audrey. Kenny you signed up amazing all right very good Susan the event is at 11 A.M PT and eight you know 7 P.M GMT if you're on English time probably 8 P.M if you're in.

Europe I would imagine Bruno we see you Bruno coming Bruno plays he says.

Please shout me out hello Bruno All right, let's see what else we've got going on here. Someone said they love what I'm wearing. Well, they said they love what you're wearing. And I just imagined that they were saying it about me. I think they're saying it about my sweater.

Don't think so.

All right, what else?

Let's see.

Let's look for a question here. Can you, Brit Girl says, can you overcome not being aligned at the same spots in your life? Kids different ages. careers are in different spots. Look, I am. I think it's that someone being right for you is more than we share some values and we have a great time together. Someone being right is also someone being compatible in their lifestyle. So. And the place in their life they're in. I'm not a big believer in this idea that, like, right person, wrong time. that to me is science fiction. Right person, wrong time doesn't make sense. For someone to be the right person, they have to be at the place in their life where they want what you want, where your lives actually fit together. Who cares if we would have been great in 10 years? In 10 years, we'll be different people. I'll be a different version of me, you'll be a different version of you. It's like when people mourn an ex and say, oh, I just, you know, they're out there. My person is out there somewhere right now. And it's like, your ex isn't the same person they were a year ago, let alone five years ago. They're different. You're different. If you met again today, you'd be two different people. So when we miss someone, we're kind of missing a ghost. We're missing who they were at the time that we broke up with them or they broke up with us. It's not, I can't be missing who they are today because I have no idea who they are today. Everyone keeps changing, everyone keeps evolving. So this idea that if you and this person had kids the same age and you were at different places in your career, you'd be great. That's science fiction. Does it work today? You know, do you want to make the sacrifices that make it work today? Okay, maybe you've got kids at different ages, but Do you like each other enough? Do you want it enough to say, yeah, our kids do different things at different times of day, but we want to make this work. And if the answer is no, if the answer is we're not willing to go to do what it takes to make this work, then it's not the right person. We have to lose the story that it's the right person. Yeah, I love that.

I love that. And also, I think to answer your question as well. In addition to that, you know, there are certain things that I think make it just generally harder to be compatible. Like, you know, age gaps is one of them because, you know, you might have different reference points. You might be from different generations or even just like a few years. Like, you know, it's really nice. Like, we're the same. We're both from England and we have three years apart. So a lot of our reference points are very similar, like music and shows and movies we grew up watching and whatever it might be. I think that's quite a nice thing. So I do think that it can be a little bit harder. It doesn't mean it's impossible because there are just people who are very compatible, even though they have those, they have an age gap and stuff. The kids thing, I think, is also fine to overcome as long as you're open and honest about the conversations of what that means. You're always going to come second to someone who has children. They may not want children again. So just being brave enough to have difficult conversations so that you can work out early enough whether this relationship is going to meet your needs and your future image, your future, what's the word? Vision. And then the last thing that was said was, when your careers are in different places, I think that doesn't matter at all. So I think that's kind of a different answer for each section.

It does. Well, it only matters if someone says my career is my priority right now and I don't want to have a relationship. You know, it's like if someone says, if someone's using their career as an excuse for why they can't show up, then it's the wrong person. Because the right person is in a place in their life where they're valuing love as much as you are. So it doesn't, you're right, it doesn't matter if your careers are in different places, but it absolutely matters if someone is saying, I choose my career. over having this relationship, then it matters deeply. It doesn't matter how right for each other you think you are. If someone says, my number one priority right now is my career, and I'm moving to Switzerland to pursue that career, and by the way, I don't want to have a long distance relationship, then okay, it's not the right person for you.

Yeah.

Ellie says, are these books decorating? No, they're not. They're all all books that I've either been sent over time or we bought or, you know, that I have read or want to read, but I can't claim to have read every book on that shelf. So, no, I certainly won't tell you I have. Catherine, you signed up and you're a VIP. That's amazing. So just so you know, we have a free version for the. For the event tomorrow. If you want to just come and watch the whole event for free, you can do that. And we also have a VIP version if you want to get some goodies. alongside the live version. So totally up to you what you want to do. But either way, you can watch the entire hour with me. I'm not holding anything back. I'm doing the whole hour for everyone for free. So go to lovelifetraining.com to come and join us for that tomorrow. It'll take you 20 seconds to sign up and we'll send you an email with all of the details.

In the VIP ticket, there's a Q&A with you and me afterwards.

Yeah, so we are doing a live Q&A afterwards for all the VIPs.

Someone wrote something very disturbing about would you save your mom or your wife if you could only save one?

What is this scenario? What's going on that I have to save my mom or my wife? It's such a funny question to be preoccupied with. Oh, here we go. Wait, we've got Casey signed up too. Casey, can't wait to see you tomorrow. Thanks for signing up. Fatima, save your mum or your wife, only one. I refute your question, Fatima. I do not have to make this choice.

He'll save neither. He'll save his jujitsu.

No, come now. Fatima, there must be a different question you have. This can't be the only thing you're preoccupied with. That was so funny. All right, let's see what else have we got.

You have helped me so much during tough times. Your voice is a blessing. Thank you and your wife for sharing your wisdom. Oh, that's so nice.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And thank you Bianca on our team for getting that link to people who need it so that they can sign up. All right, let's do, what do you think? One more question.

Yeah, one more question.

Or two more. That can't you, it's an impossible question because it makes you bad cop if you say no.

Exactly. Two more.

All right, let's see. Bindi Cat says chat is so fast. I know, it's lovely how engaged people are.

How do you communicate your needs in early dating without coming on too strong? I think it says, oh, it's like moving so fast. Yeah, without coming on too strong.

The, you know, I think we first have to be up, we have to almost set a tone with ourselves where we go, what needs is it appropriate for me to expect this person to meet right now? And what needs need to come from the rest of my life? You know, my friendships, my fulfillment in what I do with my life, myself, my family, We have to be very careful of getting into something with someone where we're not meeting our own needs and then all of a sudden we decide that they are the person that now has to meet them all. I think what we have to say is, what needs do I have for... what do I need to have to think that this is a worthwhile investment to keep going with? That's a more appropriate way of looking at it than I just met someone and I have an amazing, I've had an amazing date with them and Now I'm gonna make them responsible for my feelings or my happiness. It's what are the things I need to continue? And that might be, I feel like this person's genuinely curious about me. You know, they're not just someone who talks at me and doesn't seem to care who or what I'm all about. I need someone who after a date actually follows up with communication. And, or when I follow up, they reciprocate and we're giving equally in the communication between dates so that I feel like it's not just them ignoring me for two weeks and then two weeks later they go, Hey, do you want to see each other again? Like, I might have a need that says, I need this person to communicate with me in between so that I feel a sense of progress. You know, it might be, I need to know, I need there to be more than texting in this relationship. I want to actually get on the phone to someone. So it's understanding what you need for you to bother, what makes it a good investment for you, what makes it worthwhile for you to keep investing time and energy. And the right time, there are two things you can do. One is proactive, one is reactive. So the proactive way to communicate your needs, which is an indirect way, is to actually be someone who sets the tone for the interaction yourself. So if you want to get on the phone to someone more, pick up the phone and have a nice call with them, even if it's for five minutes, just to set the tone that, hey, in this dynamic between you and me, I'm okay with phone calls. It's normal to me. So you can set the tone for the level of connection you want to have with someone by the energy that you bring. The way you reactively set your needs is by when you feel like you're not getting enough and they're asking for more, you tell them that you'd like to give more, but right now there's a need that's not being met for you. You know, an example of that would be someone has ignored you for a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden they want to see you tonight. well, they're asking for more right now. They're asking for more of you. If they say, I want to see you tonight, you can say, hey, I. It would be so great to see you. I'm sure we'd have such a great time. But to be honest, you know, I pulled away a little bit, or I felt, like, a bit confused. I feel a bit confused because I haven't heard from you in the last couple of weeks. And if they say, oh, well, I was just really busy. And whenever you say, I totally get that. I'm a busy person. too. But for me, you know, I, if I don't get consistent communication from someone, I assume that they're not interested in actually, you know, getting to know me better. And, you know, I kind of, I start to pull away emotionally. That's a way of communicating, not just your need, which is for more communication. It's also a way of communicating a standard, which is that I'm not just someone who jumps because you say jump, because you want to see me tonight. I'm now going to drop everything to see you. I'm someone who, if I'm going to see you, it's on the back of consistent communication.

I love that. I also love the fact that that's making it about you, not about them. So you're saying, like, I'm someone who enjoys this, and I'm someone who needs this in order to be in a happy relationship. Not you've done something wrong because you're not doing this. And they, they get to either rise up and meet your standard or decide that they're not able to. But I really like that. I think really powerful.

Lynette says, well, what if they reply? You could have called. Well, my response to that would be, why didn't you call? Because that goes back to setting the tone. Right? I remember I said two things. I said, you can communicate your needs by being proactive and setting the tone for what you want. And you can communicate your needs by being reactive when you don't get what you want. So my question would be, to your point, Lynette, in that situation. Why didn't you call or text them in week one? If. Because I'm not a Believer in someone. Can, like, someone can only ghost you if you try to reach out and they ignore you. They can't ghost you if they just never reach out again. Because you haven't put any. If you. If you never reach back out, then it's a mutual ghosting, right? It. if you like, you have to make the call or the text, and then if they don't text back and you, it's not like you're going to keep being proactive or keep making the call if they never get back to you. But if you then pull back because you tried being, you tried coming forward and they didn't meet you there, that's when what I'm saying kicks in. If two weeks later after that, they try to reach back out again, it's like, well, I, I was, you know, I called you, I texted you, I you know, we had a good thing, but you felt like you pulled away or you kind of disappeared for the last couple of weeks. So, you know, I. I just assumed we weren't in the same place of, you know, whatever you want to say. You know, I assumed you didn't. Weren't interested in getting to know me better, so I kind of pulled away. But it's not you being passive and waiting for them to make a move. You can man or woman, you can make a move. Just don't be the one who keeps making the move. All right, very good. Well, hey, if you've enjoyed this quick little Q&A, I'm gonna be going live tomorrow for a whole hour in what I'm calling the Love Life Reset.

It's free. It's gonna be more like 90 minutes.

It might be more like 90 minutes, but hey, that just makes it even more amazing that it's free. But it's gonna be super valuable. I don't do this very often. This is like a once every few months kind of affair. And it's gonna be, you can sign up for free at lovelifetraining.com so go, oh, I think that's, there we go, I think we're back. Of lovelifetraining.com is the link where you can sign up. It's going on at 11 a.m. Pacific time. 2 p.m. Eastern time, that's New York time, and then 7 p.m. UK time GMT. It's going to be amazing. I can't wait. I've been working hard on this one for you all. This is going to help you whether you have been struggling in love for a long time, whether you're fresh out of a relationship and you're trying to figure out how to get back out there, maybe you're in a different season of your life and you're a little older and you come out of a divorce and and you're afraid to get back out there again, you feel like so much has changed, you don't know how to handle dating now, or you just feel like, you know, how many of us wanna find love, but we just can't, we just don't wanna deal with dating. This is gonna be an approach that's gonna help people who really wanna find love, but are just sick of what it takes to try to find love, and you want a better way of going about it. So I think you're gonna love it. I think it's going to be different to the other things you may have heard out there. And if you like our work and you resonate with our voice, I think it's just going to be more of that and it's going to help you in the ways that we've learned over 17 years of doing this. So we want to help you find love. If that's your goal right now, come join us tomorrow. Go to love life training. .com and we'll help you.

Someone's calling me an old woman. That's so rude.

You should, we, you know what? Matt do something.

That's so rude.

We shouldn't even acknowledge those comments. You just ignore them. The worst thing you can do is give a person like that attention. We can't give attention to people like that.

This was so nice you guys, we had so much fun.

Yeah, it's so nice, so good to see you all. Thank you so much for joining us for a few minutes and we will, yeah, Carolina, I agree. We should never read weird comments. Give attention to all of the people here that just love us and want more of what we do. Lovely. Okay, well we'll see you tomorrow guys. I can't wait to see you all. Thank you for being here and have an amazing day. All right. Forever again, for everyone who's just joining lovelifetraining.com, go check that out and sign up for tomorrow because there's only one more day. All right, see you soon. Bye.