Answering Your Questions LIVE ft Audrey

It wouldn't work on me. I don't care about being heroic.

No, what I meant, and I don't know if you guys relate to this, but when you're in the throes of heartbreak and you're just really, really hurting, like in that moment, it wouldn't help me recover from.

Is the word heroic didn't mean anything to you? That's no, but that's, that is the whole point of this section, is that what, what works for, for activating your deepest power doesn't necessarily work for the next person. These things. They speak to us in unique ways. It's why what helps us overcome heartbreak is also personal. It's specific to us. The thoughts and the truths that help us get through are specific to us. Jeremy, by the way, what are the comments like on YouTube right now? Okay, got it. YouTube, where are the comments right now? Where are we live on YouTube? Right, YouTube. We're waiting for some comments from you guys. Jeremy, put your hand up when you see a little comment from people on YouTube. God, 3 million followers subscribers on YouTube and not one comment, Jeremy.

No, we have a few.

We have a few. You, we have a few, but you don't want to read them to us. Why? Give me a comment for a good.

One to come in.

What do you mean, give us a couple of minutes for a good one to come in? What are people, is someone at least saying hi? Hey, how to deal with post breakup?

Hi.

Right, well hi is not a bad comment. That's not a negative comment. You're making it sound like all the stuff, people are just hurling abuse on YouTube and you can't speak it because you don't want to hurt our feelings. All right, wait, before I carry on, that expert series, that heartbreak series that I'm talking about today is only available today. I just want to let everyone know that because it disappears at midnight tonight. So please, please, please, if you haven't already, YouTube, Facebook and Instagram comment expert and we'll send you the details on how to get it. It's free as long as you buy a copy of the book and YouTube go to heartbreakseries.com Okay, so I read that to my wife and she said to me, that wouldn't work on me. I don't care about being heroic. That made me laugh out loud as I wrote it. We're so different. But that's the point. These things are intensely personal. That's why you have to pay attention in your life. You never know when you'll think or hear a truth that has the potential to be your new prized possession as a positive emotional button that will help you get through this deep and dark time of your life. At my lowest, emotional buttons have saved me. If our house were burning down, it would be all the devices that contained my emotional buttons that I'd run out the door with. And my wife, obviously, it would be the heroic thing to do. Most of my buttons live on my phone and my laptop, because when they are always at my fingertips, I don't have to wait to feel better, whether through perspective, gratitude, excitement, or calm. They are the operating manual for my emotions. So let me just be clear, 'cause this whole chapter describes this, and if you're feeling like, how do I apply this? Or what do I do with this? This is in the book. But the point of it is there are these things called emotional buttons, and they are thoughts. They are specific things that when we read that thought aloud again, when we connect with it again, That helps us trigger the kind of emotion we need to get ourselves back on our feet in a really difficult time.

It's like an instant reframe.

It can be, yeah, it's like an instant reframe or an instant, or it could be like, it could be a reminder, like, I might, this book might remind me of a friend who helped me get through a breakup and the love that friend gave me. And so when I look at that book, that book could be a positive emotional button. because it could just remind me of an amazing feeling in my life. And so I might have that book or a picture of that book somewhere where in my darkest moments I connect to the love I have in my life right now. And that lifts me up again. Who here relates to what I'm talking about? Who here has used emotional buttons, maybe without even calling them that? Who's used emotional buttons in the past to get through something? So they are the operating manual for my emotions, a way of taking control of my thoughts and my emotions in real time. So they're no to me if they're buried in a notebook somewhere. I have to have them to hand. So how might we use emotional buttons for heartbreak? Like I said, I can't write your emotional buttons for you because they probably wouldn't mean anything to you. But here are some examples of how you might turn a negative button into a positive one during heartbreak. First, you'll see the negative button and I write these, I'm going to read these to you now because I think you'll really enjoy these. They're very practical. First, you'll see the negative button and then the truth that I have offered as an example to transform it into a new positive emotional button for the breakup. So get this negative emotional button. They made me so happy and now That's gone. How many people relate to that feeling? Someone in your life made you so happy and now they are gone. What truth could you replace that with that would start to connect you to a positive emotional button in this heartbreak? I'll read you one. They didn't make me as happy as I keep telling myself. Think of all the times I didn't feel seen or like I was a priority, how I often felt anxious. Never forget that a huge part of why that relationship worked for as long as it did was my ability to overlook all the ways this person didn't meet my needs. Right? So that's a response to the internal thought they made me so happy and now that's gone. That's a way of connecting with the fact that maybe they didn't make you nearly as happy as you've been telling yourself they make you. Negative emotional buttons. So remember, the negative emotional buttons are the things that the thoughts that make you feel awful during a heartbreak, that make you feel like it's never going to get better.

It's like our intrusive thoughts.

Exactly.

Intrusive thoughts. How do we combat them instead of follow them?

So here's one of those intrusive thoughts. I have lost the person who is right for me. How many people out there have been telling themselves that. Leave it just say me if that's you. If you've been telling yourself that you have lost the person who is right for you. Write yes in the chat. YouTube, I'm looking at you too. Jeremy, what are we doing in YouTube right now? You're seeing a yes? Yes. You're seeing me? Okay, great. Amazing. Cool. I see you saying me. Himan, I see you. Very good. So, what do you say to yourself there? What's the positive emotional button you can replace that with? No one can be right for me who doesn't choose me. Period. The love of my life is the person who chooses me for their life. Let's try another one. Do you like how practical this is? Negative emotional button. I'll never feel this way about someone again. Who's guilty of that one? I'll never feel this way about someone again. Now, what truth? What truth could you replace that with to create a positive emotional button in its place? Let's try this one. I have had this exact same thought about other things or people in the past, and yet I have gotten over them and moved on to something better. Just like with those things, one day I will look back at this and feel warmth for myself at how silly it was that once upon a time I thought this was the end of the world. These are just examples. Start a file of your own personal emotional buttons on your phone or computer today. Like me and the thousands of people I have personally taught this strategy to, it will not only help you survive whatever terrible things come your way, but beyond that, it might even turn those terrible setbacks into occurrences that miraculously you become grateful for. So, by the way, that is one page of a, you know, is one tall in a seven tool kit chapter on overcoming heartbreak in the book. But hopefully for some of you as well, you're listening to that going, I want to know what else is in there. And the good news is that For those of you that are in heartbreak right now, not only does the book have an entire chapter on heartbreak amidst all of the chapters it has on how to find the right kind of love, but the Heartbreak Series we have is an entire program on finding happiness after heartbreak and healing your pain. That is available right now. The book is available on the 23rd of April, but the Heartbreak Series I'm talking about where I interview experts like Dr. Ramani, Dr. Nicole Lapera, David Kessler, all of these incredible people, Tom and Lisa Billieu, Glow Atanmo, Lewis Howes, those are available right now. So you can go and get those for free. All you need to do is pre-order a copy of the book and you'll get sent this on the 23rd of April when it comes out and you'll get access to the Heartbreak Series immediately. And you can do all of that by commenting if you're on Instagram and Facebook. comment expert. And if you're on YouTube, go to heartbreakseries.com. if you are on Instagram or Facebook and you comment expert, then when you will send you the link to go and do this inside your DMS. But I want to remind everyone this goes away today. Okay, so last day to get the Heartbreak Series. Make sure do not leave this because tomorrow we're pulling it down at midnight tonight. Tomorrow it won't be available. so comment expert if you're on Instagram or Facebook. It's like the greatest thing ever because that program, honestly, if we had it as a program, it would have been worth hundreds of dollars. It's free as long as you get a copy of the book. Yeah.

And it has so many different insights.

Oh, if you're on YouTube, comment. If you're on YouTube, commenting expert won't work, but what will work is just opening a new tab in your browser and going to heartbreakseries.com. com. Amazing. All right. What's up, Jen Gottlieb? Good to see you in here. So, all right. What the. The other thing. Well, let me hear from you. What's something. Is there something you feel like people should know about heartbreak? I have something chambered, but if you do, too, let's go for you first.

I want to ask you a question.

Okay, so.

You talk about being heartbroken in this chapter quite a lot in your experiences. What do you think you did? What mistakes do you think you made in your heartbreak that kind of stunted your healing? What thoughts did you have? Just any mistake you think you might have made that delayed you actually getting over the whole breakup and everything?

Honestly, I feel like I I had until, like, I had a heartbreak in my life that I actually think I did really, really well. And so much of what I put in this book is the better ways that I did it that time versus other times in my life where I'd experienced heartbreak and I moved straight on to, like, dating another person. or just like trying to distract myself by any means possible. Like that was the mistake that I think I made for the first, like, you know, few years of my adult life is I would just, I would just go straight onto, like, how do I get, like, out of this mind? How do I go and quickly replace this person with someone else or this intimacy with someone else or feel like, I'm like, I can't even I don't even have time to think about it because I'm just going and getting like this dopamine hit from somewhere else, right?

Yeah, yeah. No time to grieve.

But I think that I actually did one of the things I was really proud of was giving myself the actual time to heal, to grieve, and to actually develop compassion for myself. by acknowledging how much I was hurting. It actually ended up being one of the things that I was really, I ended up liking myself weirdly. I remember at the beginning of my heartbreak, I remember saying to a friend, I remember crying and saying, I just don't feel good enough. I feel like this has made me feel like I'm not good enough. and it even made him tear up because it, like, made him go back to a time in his life where he didn't feel good enough. And.

That'S how you feel when someone breaks up with you.

And I truly felt that. Yeah. You just feel like, I truly felt that. Yeah. I felt like I wasn't good enough. And. And then, unlike other times in my life, there was something about it that. whereas other times in my life, I had rushed to meet someone else. This time I was like, this hurts so much that I don't even want to do that. I just. I I just felt that pain and something about feeling it and getting up every day and doing something for myself, like going to the gym or. spending time with a friend or, you know, trying to be kind to myself in some way, I actually started to develop this new affection for myself during that time. And it felt really, really nice. Like I felt like I actually deepened my relationship with myself because I started to feel, first I just felt sorry for myself. 'Cause I was just like, you've been through such a hard time. And I could acknowledge that for myself in a way that I hadn't acknowledged it before. I'd just like run on from it. I was like, I could sense, I could see like you're having the worst time ever. And because of that, I actually started to feel affectionate towards myself. And I started to do certain things to take care of myself. And I started to feel proud of myself for the things that I was doing each day. And that was like, I just remember thinking, oh, I don't want to give up this feeling. This feels really nice how I feel about myself right now. And then when I started to develop that affection for myself, I started to think, God, I wouldn't let anyone treat me poorly right now because I've been through a lot. and I'm taking care of myself and helping myself heal. And I. This person doesn't deserve to be hurt again. So I'm gonna take care of me, not just in what I'm doing for myself, but in, like, the energy that I let around me during that time. So I feel like I'd done it wrong most of my life, and then I actually learned a lot from when I did it right.

Yeah.

What about you? What did you do wrong?

Wow. I've. I only went through. Well, only. Only. They're very. It's very painful. It's enough. But I went through two heartbreaks in my life that are kind of significant. And so one of them, I was very young. The second one. I think what I did wrong was I held, I kind of held on to the hope of it, of getting that person back. And to the point where I ended up getting them back and it was the worst decision ever because it was broken. And so I ended up delaying a lot of pain by just almost holding on to it rather than admitting to myself that this wasn't working and there was something fundamentally wrong with that connection because we'd broken up. So I think I. I just wasted time. But it was fine because, you know, I was, like, 24, so I could waste time.

I remember. I remember one time, like, one of the things that helped me, like, my ego at first get through heartbreak was people around me saying, oh, she'll be back.

Oh, yeah.

Like, she'll be back. Like, don't you mark my words. She's gonna realize how bad it is out there, and she'll be back. And in my mind, I was like, It set my ego up to like, want that and to want this feeling of like, they come, they're gonna come crawling back. And guess what? She didn't. And I remember that, like, I had to suffer the true ego death of like, it's not That thing that I thought was going to be the thing that made me feel better didn't arrive. And when you don't get that ego satisfaction of feeling better, you have to dig deeper for your healing.

I think that ego, the moment, the sort of I will get them back, I want to get them back phase of it can be an important phase because it can actually keep you sane. when you're in those very early stages where you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm going to die if I don't have this person, which is very much what people feel. And so I think that can be a helpful phase for a while, but all it does is it actually stunts your your recovery process because you're still trying to basically get that person back and you're still your whole life is still geared towards this idea of they might reach out at some point. I'm doing all this for them. I'm doing all this to try and eventually get that person back because that's where my happiness is.

Yeah.

And I think the sooner you can let go of it, you might need to hold on to it for a few weeks, but the sooner you can let go of it and be honest with yourself and say, oh, okay, this person doesn't actually want to be with me and that sucks, but that's the truth. That's the radical acceptance of where I'm at, is this person doesn't want to be with me, the sooner you can actually rebuild from the ground up and it really is from the ground up, there is no further place to fall than that place, but you do rebuild and then you get into that phase you're talking about where you reconnect with what truly matters, the small things that matter.

I agree.

Friendships, health, just being grateful for moments, 20 minutes where you haven't thought about that person. And then you stack up those 20 minutes and they turn into 30 minutes and an hour and half a day. And before you know it, you spend a whole day where you haven't thought about that person and you really are on your way to healing at that point. But you have to let go and kill the hope. But they will come back.

100%. Well, look, maybe we'll just do one question. Let's see. I'm gonna just see what's going on. Jeremy, what's your favorite comment from the YouTube live right now?

Someone that says that you look a.

Bit awkward in front of your wife, Matthew. Someone said I look a bit awkward in front of my wife.

Yeah, why are you looking awkward?

That's so funny. People say really funny things, don't you think? You couldn't predict that. Like that is not a... I could not in a million years have predicted that comment. Jeremy, is it...

They say you look tired.

They do always say I look tired. I have such a big heart. Thanks for sharing. That's a good one.

I could have led with that one, Jeremy.

Yeah, that might have been the first one you said. Not that I look awkward in front of my wife. what is. Let's see. I'm looking for a question here, guys. Yeah.

Does anyone have a question on heartbreak? My long distance boyfriend of a year and a half ghosted me three days before Valentine's Day.

My long distance boyfriend of how long?

A year and a half.

A year and a half. Ghosted you. Ghosted her just before Valentine's Day. I've tried reaching out, but no response.

People who ghost people, they're in relationships.

HK on YouTube. Wow. That is insane. Yeah. The thing, can I give you some perspective? Because I have now been coaching people for 17 years of my life and I have coached people at all ages in all different seasons of their life. And that story you just said is a story I have heard in situations where someone has been married for 10 years. What you just said, I have heard worse versions of with people who are in their 60s, and find out that the person they were married to was in no way the person they thought they were married to. What you have just gone through is an extraordinarily painful thing for a person to go through. But let me offer you a truth that might take that negative emotional button and start to transform it into a source of gratitude. That could have happened to you 10 years from now. What you just experienced at one and a half years into that relationship is a side of himself that he could have shown you 10 years from now. And imagine for a moment what you would have lost if he'd have shown you it 10 years from now. How much deeper you would have been into that situation. The time that would have been spent. In some ways, the best we can hope for is that someone shows us their worst side sooner. And would it have been ideal if he'd have shown you that in month one? Maybe. But I promise you, if Sam Harris says, if you think this is the worst thing that could have happened, that is a failure of imagination. So this, it is so when someone ghosts you like that after a year and a half together, That is just a mind trip. That is maddening. It turns your world upside down. You don't know what is reality anymore. It is like, you know, a surfer coming off the surfboard in a giant wave and being underwater and not knowing which way is up. It is an unbelievably painful thing. But the pain of that can blind us to a much greater truth that this person has shown you a side of themselves at a time where you are still alive, still breathing, and you have so much ahead of you. And Again, the strength you build during this time is going to be the strength you need for the times that are coming. Let me say this to everyone. I'm going to say two things and then we'll sign off for today because I feel like this is a really good stopping point. But for the first thing I want to say is it doesn't have to stop here. If you are enjoying this and if you feel like, God, I could be here all day listening to this because this is exactly what I need to hear. then you can carry on right now. If you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment expert and we will send you a link for an entire series on heartbreak. If you're on YouTube, go to heartbreakseries.com that won't work on YouTube, but it will on Facebook and Instagram. If you're on YouTube, go to heartbreakseries.com, you'll see an entire program on heartbreak is about seven hours and it's completely free so long as you have ordered a copy of this book, love life, my brand new book. This is my thank you to everyone for pre ordering. The book will be delivered to you when it comes out on April 23rd. But the heartbreak series is available right now and you can be watching it in the next five minutes. so it's seven hours of what we're doing right here to help you find happiness again through your heartbreak. So that's the first thing. Go there, do that now because it disappears tonight. This is the final day that this series is available. And anyone who has watched that series knows it. People have emailed us and said, I cannot believe that this thing was free. I cannot believe that I just got this as a bonus for buying the book. It is. exceptional. It is life changing. And when you're in that deep, deep heartbreak, it's life saving. It can pull you out of the depths. That when I was in the worst heartbreak of my life, the words that people said to me and the ways they got me to think differently were the difference between me suffering in unimaginable ways and me being able to pick myself up and find joy again. So Let this be that for you. Like I said, Instagram and Facebook, comment expert, and we'll send you a link. YouTube, go to heartbreakseries.com and you can just access it directly. The last thing I wanna say is this. When we get stuck in our heartbreak, it's okay to grieve. We should grieve, but we don't grieve for the person who was the right person for us. We grieve. for the reality we thought existed but didn't. We grieve for the future we thought we would have, which we don't. We grieve for the fact that the person we thought was the one turned out not to be the one, turned out to be just another cameo in our life. We grieve for that disappointment, but we do not grieve as though they were the one because they're not. No one who doesn't Choose Us can be the one, can be our person. And when we start to accept that, we realize that that is the key to closing the book on that particular story. And when we finally close the book on an old story, we make space for countless other stories that are waiting for the telling whose First page starts where we find our feet right now. Someone said in the comments, does this apply to the loss of a figure in my life, not just a romantic partner? Does this stuff on heartbreak apply to grieving the loss of someone else in my life, a family member and so on? And the answer is, it absolutely does. When some of you grieve, you might have a mother who's still alive, but who you struggle to have contact with because she's not the mother you needed. And you've had to break contact or you've had to become estranged from that person. And sometimes people get locked into the pain of wishing that their mother was someone different. Wishing that a sibling was someone different, wishing that a father was someone different. And when we get locked into that and we just suffer wishing it was different, we miss the fact that what we needed from our mother, from our father, from a brother, from a best friend is available to us everywhere in the world if we allow ourselves to create space for it. How many mother figures are available to you if you actually started to look for the kind of love you never got from your actual mother? How many beautiful father figures or mentors are available to you if you make space for the kind of healthy and corrective relationship with a figure like that that you never had for yourself growing up?

And same with a romantic romantic partner.

Yes, absolutely. That's exactly the same for a romantic partner. But when the chronic pain of wishing that the past was different takes over and becomes our only story, we make no space for all of those other stories that exist for us. And we take for granted how big the world is. how many different people there are in this world and how much beautiful love is available to us and abundant if we know where to look for it and if we know the healthy approach that we need to take to finding it. That's ultimately what this is about, this book, which is why I can't wait for you to read it. I'm so excited. I'm itching for April the 23rd to come around so that you can just read it already, but But I'm so grateful you're all here and that you listen to this. And I do hope that in addition to getting the book, you get it today so that you can get the Heartbreak Series because I know it's going to help so many of you. So last chance, Instagram and Facebook comment expert now, YouTube, go to heartbreakseries.com and thank you so, so much all of you for being here and spending a little time with us today because we really appreciate it. Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

Love you guys. Jeremy, you can finish on YouTube. Thank you, YouTube. We couldn't see your comments, but we so appreciate it. All of the love that you've given us during this. I look forward to reading it afterwards and to you on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you as well. All right, guys. Bye.