Are Dating Apps Making You Feel Hopeless? Watch this…

I just can't stand this world now where everyone treats interactions so flippantly. You know, I'm actually looking for someone and so when I match with someone, I put a little investment into that and it just seems like no one else does. I thought it'd be good just to sort of do a bit of a state of unions right now. and talk about where people are in dating and then maybe talk about some of the perils of dating apps. How does that sound?

A little halftime talk for 2021. I like that.

Yeah, let's see where people are at, get a temperature and offer perhaps some valuable advice as people go into a world where maybe they're still a bit tentative and also battling some of the problems of dating apps, which maybe we can start here, are that There's so much bloody choice, or at least it seems. You know, it probably is the worst of all worlds in some people's eyes because it feels like there's not a lot of choice when it comes to choosing. Like it feels like, God, everyone's flaky, people aren't actually trying. It's the minimum possible effort being put in by these people, or as we call it, the MPI guy, minimum possible investment. And yet, they on the other side seem to have endless choice. And that makes me feel like there's a sea of people I can't possibly compete with in winning the dating game. So, what are your thoughts on that, Steve? Or just the fact that people just feel like, how do I possibly compete with all the options people seem to have these days?

Yeah, I'm trying to think, if I'm using dating apps and I'm out there, do I think of competition? I certainly think of the fact that people can ignore you very easily and that it's very like people are just not very invested when they match with you. And so it can make you take rejection a lot harder because you feel that, like, oh, I match with them, and then suddenly they stop talking to me. So what did I do wrong? But of course, the, the truth on the other side might be, well, they've got loads of other matches, they've got a life, maybe they're not spending time on the app, maybe they've been, they've got other stuff going on in their dating life that's kind of, you know, causing them to go on other tangents. So you kind of, you know, my strategy for that sort of thing is to just stop assuming things about people's lives and stop assuming everything is a message about me.

Well, just to pause you there though, because I just want to pick up on that point, it's interesting. if people say, well, yeah, but I have a life, but I still, when I match with someone, I have an attitude of actually seeing where it goes. And I just can't stand this world now where everyone treats interactions so flippantly. You know, I'm actually looking for someone. And so when I match with someone, I put a little investment. into that and it just seems like no one else does. What's your. Do you think they're just. They're just seeing it wrong or they're just not being contextual for the platform in the way that they're thinking?

I mean, they are diagnosing a problem with what dating apps do. And I. I always tell people, I do not have a dog in this fight. I have no reason to promote dating apps specifically. I have no reason. Our business, our company has no reason to. to rally against them. So, so it's like, I don't have a dog in this fight. I think the, I'm definitely for if you want to be out there using dating apps, but herein lies one of the things of, you know, there is a truth about how different people are using them. Some people are just using them for attention and validation and compliments, or they just turn on a profile when they barely pay any attention to it and they swipe on it, but they don't really, they'd rather sit home and play video games tonight. They can't be bothered to actually go on a date. And so there is this thing where all this stuff is happening and yes, people do have choice. Like it does, it does happen. Like if I've been actively using them for, you know, a month or two months saying you might then have a bunch of matches and it is kind of like, oh man, there's a lot like, like, How do I even like decide a filter here to decide like who I'm interested in, who I'm not so interested in? Like it becomes another job, it becomes overwhelming. But that's the point. I think you've got to realize that if you're on the online dating thing, in some sense you are in a bit a little bit of a numbers game where some people are just not in the place right now who are on the app and might seem cool. There's just all a thousand reasons why they haven't got time. Maybe they do have ten matches before you and they've already arranged a bunch of dates. Like maybe that's just already happened and you're too late or like all these other stuff. Maybe they've dated like ten people right now and they're absolutely burnt out and they think I don't want to use this thing for a while. So I do think, yeah, you might think, well, I have a life, but I'm still using this thing, but you kind of have to meet the person at the right time as well. Timing is a thing. and sometimes you've got to sift through a bit to find the person who's in the right spot that you're in as well. That is a part of dating. It's not just compatibility.

See, I'm kind of interested in the, like, this idea of who should be the first mover or who should be the person who, who gives a little more first, because In a world where people, like Steve, even in my own non-dating life, I've been going through just in the last couple of weeks, what I've been quite enjoying is just saying to myself, I'm just gonna, in my general interactions, and I don't even mean like speaking to people, just in seeing people on the street or walking past people, I'm gonna give just 2% more than normal or 5% more than normal. And so I just treat the world, you know what it was like, Steve, when we first went to Florida and we just thought it was sort of interesting just to be in a place where, at least in the sort of resorts we were in, that people would just say hello to you. And that was like, oh wow, people are really nice. And the more you are that way, or sorry, the more other people are that way, the more you kind of, start getting into that vibe yourself and it starts making you, suddenly you wake up the next morning and you're walking through the hotel and you go, hi, to someone you don't know. You're like, hey, how's it going? Because you're like, oh, that's what's normal here. And I have been doing that just in my, in my everyday life is just going, you know what? I'm really going to just walk around as a friendlier person than other people and just, and just you know, we spend so much of our lives not smiling first because we're worried that someone won't smile back or not saying good morning because we're worried that someone's going to think we're weird. And, you know, I made a conscious effort to be like, no, I'm just going to be that person who's makes the world a little bit of a friendlier place. Now, of course, in that context, other than just giving because it feels good to give, it doesn't have any any real implications for me. It's not like I'm likely to see that person again tomorrow and they're gonna suddenly realize, oh, it was that guy who was friendly to me last time. Good morning. Like, it's not that. But in our dating lives, it can have real implications if you're that way. If. If you decide, you know what? This culture, you know, Jameson often quotes that Mitch album quote that if the culture isn't serving you, you have to be prepared to create your own culture. You have to be brave enough to make a culture that you want to be in. And in a sense, we all do create these mini cultures around us, whether it's the culture we help to create in our family, in our company, in our relationship, or in our dates. We put out energy that that can transform the culture of whatever little ecosystem we're operating in. And, and I think about that because it's easy to say, well, if someone's not trying, don't bother. Like, that's kind of an easy response. Oh, well, if you notice someone's not, if you notice someone's kind of not really doing much in the early stages, don't bother. And and I do kind of agree with that, but with a caveat that people respond. We can have an impact in the equation.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? It's not we're not it to say that just a blanket statement, don't bother, is to suggest we have no power. Yeah. That nothing we do influences somebody else. I don't show up to a speech and think in the first five seconds, well, if this crowd's really cold, just don't bother. What I think is, I know I can have a massive influence on this crowd in 20 minutes. This can be a different crowd based on what I do. Now, that's a different, I'm not comparing that with dating because it's different. We don't want to keep trying with someone who's not giving us much, but I am. I am sort of in favor of deciding an amount of energy that you're happy to give away. Like, decide what amount of energy you're content with giving away and never getting back. And be prepared to give that without being too discriminating. You know, just give it like this guy. I don't know him and he doesn't know me, so he can't really hurt me. And, or she can't really hurt me, you know? It's not, I don't have to think about this in personal terms. And by the way, that kind of is why I think sometimes we do ourselves a disservice by constantly waiting for the other person to give first. Because when we do that, we're assuming we matter to this person more than we do right now. It's a bit of a chicken and egg thing. Like someone you mean nothing to isn't going to try very hard. They may try on the basis that they really want a relationship.

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean they're going to try with you. You know, that energy still, they have so much to give and they give it in certain directions. And like you say, there's a hundred reasons why someone might not be giving it in this very moment to you. But I kind of feel like you don't know how much energy someone has to give unless you're willing to give up a little energy and to see if that lights them up, to see if that somehow creates a level of momentum. And it has to be, once there's momentum, it has to be kind of self-perpetuating. It can't be You have to keep peddling for the electricity to stay on. It has to be like you fire up the generators and now the thing is humming. But sometimes to fire up the generators, someone has to give a little. And I sometimes think that people are so guarded, so protected, so worried about looking cool or indifferent that they never give that first 5% of energy that could fire up the generators. They never give that 5% of warmth that could create warmth. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely. I think there's a sense where people think when I get the green light, I will then like, Wonderful me will appear. And it doesn't really work like that. You do show the best of yourself as you get to know someone, but people, there's not really a thing in life where someone is like, oh, when people are nice to me at the party, then I'm like, charismatic, cool person. Usually that person walks into the party with an energy, with a giving spirit, with a sense of actually kind of. I know this sounds like a corny term, but, like, some people, like, bring love into a room. Do you know what I mean?

They.

They show up into the room, and they're already exuding, like, love for the people in the room and. good energy and, you know, good vibes, as they would say. But, and you could see, oh, they're bringing that. And people then respond well to them because that person walked into the party smiling, being friendly, and that person is more likely to get the warm side. They're not going to get everyone. Some people are going to be, like, guarded and closed, but other people are going to be like, oh, hey, this person seems really, like, open and friendly, and I feel good around them, so I'm gonna. I'm going to gravitate towards them and dating is the same and like you say people are very I think it's totally right when we give the message that you cut the wrong people off early. I just think there's a sense where people sometimes want someone to bring them everything first before they ever step out or before they give or before they say hey, maybe I'm putting myself on the line and sending a message now and saying something I like about them. Maybe that's got to be me who does that.

Well, the distinction is if you're the one who keeps throwing out energy and not getting it back, you then have to be honest with yourself about that. Yeah. There's no shame in taking a risk and it not paying off. But if you keep injecting energy into a situation and you keep trying to resuscitate it and you're the life support of this relationship all the time or this, this, you know, dynamic you have with someone in the early stages. That then is something you have to look at. It's then a question of asking, not what's wrong with them? Why do they not respond? Why are the question really is, what's happening with you that in spite of not getting the same amount of energy back, in spite of not getting equal investment, you continue to, you know, put the. What are they called in medicine? When they. The. When they put the things on your heart to resuscitate you, what do you call them?

Defibrillator.

Defibrillator. If you're the good, very, very quick, if you, there's one of those defibrillators at the top of Runyon, by the way, in a hike in LA. There's like a steep part as you go up. It's like the hard way up has a defibrillator at the top.

Wow.

Just in case. Yeah. But if you're the defibrillator, that, and you're constantly having to do that, then you have to ask yourself, why do I keep doing this? What's happening with me that I'm not prepared to lose this person?

Yeah.

Because that to me is the real danger. People to me, they don't assess, we all, we all, I mean me included, we don't assess danger correctly. We go into a scenario on an app or even a scenario where we go over to someone and say hi. And the idea of being rejected by that person is just death. You know, someone, we go straight back to high school and it's, we're being rejected by, you know, that girl, that guy in front of all of our friends and their friends and we're never going to live it down. I'm sure that I truly believe there is some incredible biological evolutionary reason for this, this deep, deep fear we have of what it means if we're rejected, what it says about our social and sexual status in the tribe, and what it means for our ability to find love, procreate, all of that. I truly believe that that impulse runs deep. But what we have to do is almost start to understand what the real danger is, which is not a rejection that you get when you first talk to someone and they decide they don't want to go on a date with you. The real danger is when we keep investing in someone and it's not paying off and that person's giving us just enough to keep us hanging on. And that is the part that I see all the time and that's where real self-analysis has to come in and you say, what is happening with me? What is it I am scared of? What, you know, whether it's abandonment, whether it's I'll never find anyone again, whether it's I'm running out of time, whether it's what is that thing? What is that thought, that story I'm telling myself? That makes it so frightening to lose someone that I will continue to invest energy in a situation where the effort is not equal. Foreign.