Are Slow Replies a RED FLAG in Early Dating?

It may even help initiate a pattern where they try more because you've actually taken it into your own hands in modeling it instead of just mirroring poor communication from them. That's a big mistake people make.

I'm afraid of noticing differences in communication day to day and it feeling off, but also hesitating to clarify the difference between that and what was said in person. because it hasn't been that long and we don't know each other well yet. But at the same time, you know it feels different. Now, what she means is basically feeling a shift in energy when you're in the early stages of dating, but feeling like it's too soon to bring it up because you don't want to come across as a crazy psycho person. So instead, you just suffer the inconsistency that you feel and the shift that you feel, and it makes you feel anxious and terrible about yourself because you're too scared to bring it up.

Yeah, I mean, it's so common and it's a normal feeling. It's a natural feeling. How entitled are we to someone's energy in the beginning? How much should we expect things to go a certain way from someone who maybe doesn't owe us anything at this stage? This is a kind of nice way of simplifying things because that is almost That question, the fear is this fear of being out of control. I'm not in control. The energy is different than the energy we had when we were in person. So I now don't know what to do because if I tell them that I've felt an energy shift, then all of a sudden I might be imposing too much on them. So I just feel like I'm stuck. one way to get back in control of ourselves and our energy is to say, look, all I'm really doing in early dating is assessing whether what someone is giving me is the kind of energy that would warrant me giving more or me continuing to give to this situation. That's what I'm assessing. I'm not assessing whether I'm good enough for this person. I'm not assessing just my attraction for them. If I'm wanting them to text me, then I've already got attraction. That's a tick. But if we then start by saying, okay, what kind of energy if I got it would warrant me continuing to invest in this? And know that before you even go in so that you don't overvalue someone just based on an attraction. And then, this is something I've been saying recently that I think is really, really important. Model the kind of communication that you would like to see from them. So that and I will add a caveat to this. Model the kind of communication that you would have on your best day, on your most confident day, not on your least. So you may the way you could trip up is you could say, well, if I modelled the kind of communication I want to see, I'd message them every 10 minutes. But I would argue that's not you on your best day. That's you on a day where you have nothing going on, no sense of purpose, nothing. You know, you're not being present with your friends or your family or the people you're spending time with. You're not enjoying your own company. That's not you on your best day. But if you imagine you on your best day and what you would like to see from this person on your best, most confident day, model that. and see if they can reciprocate at that level. See if they give it back to you at that level. And then, by the way, see if tomorrow when you don't do that, they still do it even though you're not the one leading. And if you see a pattern where they're trying, that's great. It may even help initiate a pattern where they try more because you've actually taken it into your own hands in modeling it instead of just mirroring poor communication from them. That's a big mistake people make. They feel like they're trapped and they're out of control because they're they're just in mirroring mode. They're just mirroring what someone else is doing. They're not modeling what they want to be the dynamic.

And I think what's important about this point, because I understand the fear very well, it's like this uncanny valley of standards where you want, you feel like you want to ask something of somebody else, but you haven't built enough leverage to ask for something from someone else. But I think that's actually the reframe I would do for this is like you're focusing too much on asking for something. This standard at this stage is about you, right? It's like inward looking a little bit, like how much am I gonna invest based off what they do? Not trying to kind of like get some behavior out of them at this point.

I love that. Very good.

So this one's from Kate and she said, what she fears is that the person she's dating is being impulsive with his feelings and that the initial high and chemistry that he exhibits is going to change. It's also kind of reminiscent of love bombing a little bit, which is very much you're getting used to that feeling of feeling adored and getting messages and being chased and being, you know, liked. And then suddenly that person kind of sobers up and realizes they just got away with themselves and got a bit too excited and then your kind of collateral damage to that shift in energy. so how do you help someone who is worried about that?

I'm. Look, it's a really good question because people like that are very disorienting, and they, you know, you get built up to this level that the. When that person suddenly takes their attention away from you, it feels like this.

Really dramatic change, like the Talented Mr. Ripley, when she's like, when Dickie's attention is on you, it's like the sun is shining, and then. suddenly it gets very cold or whatever. Yeah.

He moves on. Yeah, he moves on. You're no longer his favorite toy. And, and that, that is a, that's a, it's a disconcerting thought, you know, how much of what someone is showing me is real. I think that you're, it's almost worth saying that what, if that person is really giving you extraordinary amounts of attention right now and you You know, it does have that sort of slightly love bombing quality, or even more positively, it has just this feeling of giddiness about it. That's going to change no matter what, even if it changes to a much more stable and healthy form of attention and love, it will change. The question is, will it change to nothing? or will it change to healthy love? And you just don't know that yet. So if someone is, you know, always pay attention. Is the level of energy they're giving me organic? Does it feel like a projection because this person couldn't possibly know enough about me yet to like me this much? Does it feel warranted based on how much I'm giving them? You know, is it a conversation or is it a one-way Street in terms of what they're giving, because love bombing is usually a kind of one-way conversation that you get dragged into, not a dialogue where the two of you are both kind of actually excited together. What happens if you slow them down a little bit? You say, I'm so excited. I'm really excited to see you. But I also want to make sure that this is sustainable. And it's, you know, we go at a pace that's reasonable. What happens if you do that? You know, these are all we can do a whole other episode on love bombing and we have in the past, but ultimately recognize that this level of attention will change. So instead of fearing that it will change, understand that it will change. Your job is just to see if this matures or if it dies.

I think matures is a super important word there. And I would just say for me, This whole impulsive thing is, I don't want to say a red flag, but definitely an amber light just because anyone in life that really is dangerous usually lacks impulse control. And I just think it's kind of something to keep an eye on. And as you get older, I just think it's becomes a less attractive trait and something, someone that is more mature just doesn't have that issue.

In every part of life, I would argue. I think of the same way with friends. I trust people in my life who come into my life in organic ways at an organic pace. The person, the new friend who suddenly wants to monopolize all of my time and energy and is like giddy with excitement and celebrating me in every way, I'm like, yeah, something doesn't feel right about this. And so I think you can apply it to absolutely everything. And I love that idea, Jameson, that impulsive people, they tend to be the dangerous ones. Wait, before YouTube sends you down the rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos or videos of large crocodiles on Florida golf courses, I have something that will help your love life more than these things. And it's at whyhe'sgone.com if you want to know why Someone faded out. Why? They were giving you attention and all of a sudden they stopped. This guide shows you. Go to whyhe'sgone.com and then enjoy your baby bear videos.