In this May 2025 YouTube episode, host Matthew AI and co‑host Jessica discuss a common dating dilemma: the belief that showing interest will cause a potential partner to pull away. They unpack the hard‑to‑get mindset, questioning whether it’s a sustainable strategy and highlighting how prolonged game‑playing masks authentic self‑expression. Jessica points out that playing mixed‑signal games often attracts insecure or unhealthy partners, urging listeners to examine their own internalized beliefs about relationship value. The conversation then shifts to practical guidance on balancing genuine interest with restraint—recognizing an appropriate level of enthusiasm, avoiding desperation after a breakup, and learning to withdraw interest when it isn’t reciprocated. A personal interlude follows where Jessica shares a product endorsement for Cozy Earth’s loungewear and bedding, offering a 40 % discount code “LOVE LIFE.” The hosts illustrate authentic connection through a story about a book‑circling moment that sparked flirtatious interest, reinforcing the idea that showing interest need not be suppressed. Finally, Matthew invites listeners to a free live event, “Dating Made Simple: the No‑Nonsense Approach to Finding Love in 2025,” scheduled for May 20th, promising over 10,000 participants and a chance to address dating burnout. Overall, the episode blends theoretical discussion, personal anecdotes, a commercial plug, and a call‑to‑action, aiming to help viewers move beyond chase‑games toward secure, authentic dating practices.
Questions this video answers
40% off using code LOVE LIFE.
May 20th (free live event: "Dating Made Simple").
podcast@matthewhussie.com
lovelifetraining.com
Chapters
Well, one of the questions is, do I really want to attract somebody by essentially being hard to get? Because if I play hard to get for a long time, I won't know what their reaction is to me being just me.
This one came in. I will keep this person's name anonymous because I don't know if she wants her name to be out there. so it reads, hi, I want you to talk about the idea that if you show interest, the other person will inevitably pull away. So it's not right to show interest. Question mark. If someone in our past pulled away, how can I overcome the feeling of fear that when I meet somebody else who in fact shows interest, he won't pull away? So gist of it is this idea, this story that if She expresses interest that will drive somebody away and almost kind of, you know, create an imbalance between in then in the dynamic. And so she's afraid of actually expressing interest in dating in general.
Yeah, well, it starts with an assumption, doesn't it? That if I show interest, they will pull away. And look, most of us have evidence for that at some point. We've shown interest in someone, and the moment we started really showing interest, it felt like, they pulled away, they stopped being interested, they stopped pursuing us. The question becomes, or one of the questions is, do I really want to attract somebody by essentially being hard to get? And for how long do I want to play that game? Because if I play hard to get for a long time, I won't know. what their reaction is to me being just me, to me actually showing up, to me dating the way I would really like to date, where I let my guard down and where I just have fun and where I'm not constantly trying to put on some kind of performance, perfectly calibrating all the time exactly how much interest I show in someone and always keeping it just on the side of not enough so that this person's constantly reeled in. by my, my playing hard to get. How long do you want to do that for? And it's also a really scary thing to get someone by continuously playing hard to get and then eventually getting them and not knowing what's going to happen when you actually decide to just be yourself.
Yeah, that's so true. And I think as well, you know, the realization that if you behave in unhealthy ways, such as playing games, playing hard to get, you're going to attract unhealthy people. And the person who you managed to get because you were kind of hot and cold and kept them on their toes and kept them guessing as to whether you like them isn't necessarily going to be the kind of person you're going to want to be with long term. Really what you're looking for if you are a secure person, you're looking for a secure partner. And secure people don't actually respond well to mixed signals. So I would also advise looking inward and saying, is there something in me that almost believes that that's the value of relationships? Maybe I'm also interested when people are kind of hot and cold. And so I believe that that's why other people will be interested. And I don't believe that an authentic mutual connection can really give me give me, you know, it doesn't ever flourish into a real relationship.
What do you say to people who say, okay, but there's obviously an amount of interest that does seem to push people away. And there's an, there is like a, it does feel like in reality there's an appropriate amount of interest to give someone, and it can easily be got wrong a little bit like how In a breakup, when someone breaks up with another person, the person who's been broken up with may really want them back. And there is this intuitive sense that I can push too hard. I can be very, very desperate at the time of a heartbreak. There's an amount of that that doesn't serve us in those moments. And most of us realize there is something about human nature that means if we try too hard or if we show too much interest, it does seem to have some kind of an effect, even in potentially healthy situations. So how do you manage, I'm curious what your thoughts are on managing that dichotomy between wanting to be authentically yourself and not wanting to show so much interest Even if it's authentic, that you do push someone away who just thinks it's too much.
Before we get into that, there's something I wanna share.
Okay, is it very personal?
It is personal. It's extremely personal. If you're anything like us, you spend a lot of time at home and you spend a lot of time in pajamas and loungewear when you're at home. And what I have realized recently in the last few months is that I don't have any nice loungewear.
I'm so sorry.
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You know, what this listener, you know, expresses is something I've felt before many, many times. And to your point, I think it is a fine line and it is a kind of balance to be struck because we all have points of reference where we were very, like, Keen and all in and no games, and that actually did push somebody away. And so I, I'm not coming from a place of saying, like, you need to be Coming out and being all healed in order to attract a healed person, whatever. That's not what I'm saying. I think that there is a difference between letting somebody believe that you are all in so early on before that's even earned, that they start to question your value and showing up authentically in a vulnerable and open way. where somebody actually knows where they stand with you. But you know, where they stand with you in the early stages of dating should actually not be in a very secure place. It's like, I like you, I like how this is going, I'm enjoying spending time with you, I like this about you, I enjoy this about you, but I don't know you. And so it's not a given that this is going to still be working for me in three months. But I know that right now I'm enjoying it and I'm not afraid of expressing and showing that I'm enjoying your company. And I think, you know, something that we all make a big mistake in when we're dating is we sort of will invest in somebody, will show our interest, and when we feel either them not reciprocating or them pulling away, we're almost kind of either double down on it or just completely pull away ourselves because we're afraid of getting hurt and then we're doing it as a means of getting a response from them. I think that it's kind of about going like, you have my attention for now and you have my interest for now. And if you start to show me that this interest of mine is misplaced and it's not actually found its right home, I'll take it away and I won't do it to get a reaction from you. I won't do it to get you running back towards me. I'll do it because this isn't interesting to me anymore. And that's a really difficult thing to do. But I think that that's kind of the trick, right? That's the thing that we have to do. It's not about not showing that we're interested. It's about knowing when to withdraw when somebody's not reciprocating that interest. And that's very, I think, whether or not somebody is emotionally unavailable or emotionally available, there is something very attractive about somebody coming in in a very secure way and being conscious about how they kind of distribute their energy and being and somebody who goes, well, you've actually shown yourself to not be somebody that I want to keep investing in. So I've pulled away. But it's okay. I don't resent you for that. I'm just, I'm just not interested in this anymore. That's really attractive. Even if you're someone who's emotionally unavailable, that you're like, wait, what? Like, What do you mean you were just able to get over me in five minutes? And so I think that's a more interesting quote-unquote game to play than to almost be so measured and so restricted about how we come across that we're never really showing ourselves because I think we just end up pushing secure people away and we end up actually attracting the very people that are going to make us unhappy.
Yeah, because part of our charisma and our charm is showing interest. Like that's part of what the fun of it is. People get to see the part of us that is having a good time.
And actually, not to interrupt you in the beginning of our relationship, you know, you and I did not have a linear path to a relationship, but what was always there was a very authentic and clear interest on both sides. There was never any doubt that we liked each other. There was never any, I'm not going to text you, I'm not going to tell you how I feel, I'm not going to... You know, like there wasn't the commitment in the beginning, but the interest and the sort of expression of feeling was always present.
I always remember when you borrowed a book of mine and you noticed that there were words circled in the book. Do you remember this?
No. Was this devil in the white city?
I don't know what it may be it was, but there were words circled and you, I think you've realized, like, maybe you even asked me, like, what, why are there, what are these words that are circled? And I was like, oh, well, there were words that when I read it, I wanted to look up because I either didn't know what they meant or because I don't use them enough. And I think you like smiled and I was like, what? And you wrote to me in a text, nothing. It's just one of my new favorite things about you. And it stuck with me because it was always like, it's like one of those flirtatious, warm moments where you show interest, where you don't hold back interest.
So, yeah, I. I love that story. I didn't remember that.
Yeah. But it goes to, it's just speaking to your point that it's not, you don't have to hold back. But you saying that isn't an indication of like, and now I've got her. Because if you, as you say, if I start being annoying or frustrating or...
Which you did.
You would have your own reaction to that, which is to start to pull back yourself, which you did. Thank you so much for writing in. If you do want to write in, the email address is podcast@matthewhussie.com May the 20th is an important date to put in your diary. I am holding a free live event to the world called Dating Made Simple: the no Nonsense Approach to Finding Love in 2025 Without Settling for Less. We are going to have over 10,000 people joining from all over the world. I want you to be one of them. If you're struggling in dating right now, if you're finding that what's on offer seems really, really depressing, if you find that people aren't willing to settle down or they're not even willing to take dating seriously and you feel like you are burning out in the process of trying to find love, this event is for you. It's on May the 20th. It's completely free. Bring your friends, bring your family. You can sign up for free at love life training. .com.
