Are They Toxic or Do They Just Not Respect You?

Have you ever found yourself in a kind of toxic dynamic with someone where they are always taking, they are always making you feel like you haven't done enough? You find yourself incessantly giving to this person, people pleasing with this person, going out of your way to try to make them happy. You increasingly become resentful in the situation. You start to dislike yourself in the process. But you worry if you stop giving, if you stop meeting this person's demands and showing up in all the myriad ways you are, that you might lose their love, that you might not be enough for them. This is an extremely common scenario, and it's particularly dangerous when someone who takes a lot meets someone who is predisposed to giving too much. That becomes a very toxic combination. We can get into the kind of language issue of constantly labeling everyone toxic all the time. And that I think is a very. Is a dangerous thing to do because most people are not all good or all bad. Everyone is a combination of both. There are some pretty bad ones, don't get me wrong, but I found, I don't know about you, but most people that I've ever known are a combination of good and bad. The problem is when we encounter someone where the dynamic between us and them is really bad, where it produces a kind of toxic result. And I'm going to give you four things today that will help you break free of a dynamic like this and in the process, massively build your confidence and develop a better life and better relationships. Number one, listen to your resentment, but be impatient with your complaining. The resentment is powerful. The resentment is telling you something feels wrong. This giving that I'm doing something about, it doesn't feel right. It feels like there is a complete asymmetry in what we're bringing to this relationship. You know, think about it. When we give to a charity, we don't feel resentful afterwards, do we? Because we feel it was just generosity, it was just giving, it was doing something good. So then why in this situation does the giving lead to resentment? Because the giving has become a compulsion. So that resentment is something that we need to listen to, but the complaining is something we have to be incredibly wary of. And we've all done it. I've done it. I've been in situations before where I complain, in some cases for years, where I complain about someone over and over and over again, but my behavior around that person never changes. And we have to get to a point where we have an intolerance for our own complaining, because complaining can just become a kind of pressure valve. That lets the air out of our resentment. Until we decide to just go back to the same behavior, we don't actually do anything. Complaining becomes a surrogate for action. Number two, take your complaints and convert them into standards and boundaries. Every time you complain, I want you to hear what you're complaining about and go, well, okay, if I was to actually implement something that dealt with that complaint, what would it look like? Either in the form of a new standard or a new boundary, what would I say no to? What would I start saying yes to? In myself or in things I want to do? What behaviors would I change around somebody? Where would I stop listening or having a conversation with someone about a certain thing? If that conversation is never productive, or if it always leaves me feeling like I've been berated for something that I don't deserve to be berated for, where am I actually going to say enough? Where am I going to do something that I really want to do, even though my normal reaction to doing that thing would be to feel guilty about it? Take your complaints and make them actionable. Complaints are passive. Standards and boundaries. That's where all the results are. That's where the action is. Number three, don't expect having these new boundaries and standards to feel good, at least initially. Because the truth is, it probably won't. You'll put your foot down on something, you'll say no to somebody, and the first thing that will happen is you'll feel this rush of shame. Who am I to ask for this? Who am I to say no? Who am I to have needs? And then you feel guilt. I feel guilty. I shouldn't have done that. I should be doing more. I should be showing up for this person. And then you feel fear. I'm not doing enough, so I won't be loved. This person's not going to want me. This person's not going to see me as important or valuable or a good human being anymore. All of this leads us to wanting to backtrack. And what we have to remind ourselves in that moment is those emotions are exactly what got us into this situation in the first place. So they do not serve us now, not in this context. And if we're worried we've gone too far, oh, I've gone too far by saying no to that. I've gone too far in asserting my needs. Well, firstly, you will go too far sometimes when you're trying to recalibrate. That's the nature of it. You're still practicing, so you're going to get it wrong sometimes. But your Bigger fear should be the doing it wrong by doing too much, not the doing it wrong by not doing enough. Especially if this is your pattern. Number four, realize that doing things that are right for you finally is actually going to be the thing that allows you to give real love to this person. In other words, when you're free of the compulsion of giving out of obligation, you're free to give out of love. You're free to actually give authentically. And the irony is, I think when you come from that place, you start actually thinking creatively about what would I like to do for this person? Not what do I have to do for this person, what would I like to do? What would be a really beautiful, loving thing to do for this person. And now you're into a relationship that will see if it can stand up on those terms. Because also, let's not forget, when you take away those things that you do compulsively with someone, they will now be confronted with who you are. And loving you for who you are, not for what you do, not as a transaction, not loving you because they need you, or because they're dependent on you, or because they don't want the giving to stop, but just loving you for you now, that will either be enough for them or it won't. Wouldn't you rather know, by the way? But what happens is you get to now love and give from a pure place, they get a chance, a shot at doing the same. And the relationship will now reveal itself to be what it actually is, which is either something worth keeping or something that was never worth as much as you thought it was in the first place. At the core of this video is the idea of saying yes to ourselves, of actually doing something for us. The greatest gift you can give yourself is the gift of self growth. I have in November something that can help you do that. If you want to join me and do it with me, you don't have to. You can find your own path and that's great. But if you want to do it with me in a proven way, I have my virtual retreat in November from the 11th to the 13th, and it's three days of immersion coaching with me on becoming the most powerful, confident and happy version of yourself. I promise you, when you come out the other end of this, you'll never have felt more ready to take on everything in your life. Right now we have what we're calling a summer self care special on the retreat, which means until August 7th, we have a discounted ticket. It's $100 off the normal price and there are three special bonuses that are really really good. Please just go to the page and check them out. So go check it out at MH VirtualRetreat. Do it now before you go anywhere and come join us on this program. I promise you it will be life changing for you.