Matthew Hussey explains microdosing in dating: staying engaged with someone who doesn't want a real relationship. It keeps you chasing dopamine hits and blocks you from noticing other people. He says treat the unready person as a period, not a question mark.
I want to talk about a familiar story. You like someone, you've spent some time with them, maybe you've been on a few dates, maybe they were even someone you had a relationship with. But this person essentially tells you on some level that they're not ready for something more. They don't want a relationship with you. Now, if you also don't want something more, but you're enjoying spending time with them, and you're just enjoying it for what it is, that's one thing. But if deep down you want something more with someone who has confirmed that they are not ready or don't want something more with you, continuing to see that person, to text that person, to make love to that person, or to give that person your attention in any way is a form of microdosing. And microdosing in this context can be lethal. There are more dangers than the obvious dangers of microdosing. The obvious danger is that this is leaving me unsatisfied, unrewarded, ultimately unfulfilled. It's not a nourishing form of investment. And every time that person leaves my life again, every time it goes cold again, I. I feel the sense of hangover. This is now painful. And the only way out of that hangover is to get my fix again, right? The next time they text me, I get this Pavlovian rush of dopamine that I connect to that person's name. I mean, we all know that feeling. There's a certain person that when their name comes up on our phone, we immediately get this surge, this chemical rush. And in that moment, we go, oh, my God, it's like you're a junkie in that moment. You go, oh, my God, it feels so much better now. That is so dangerous. But that's only the obvious danger. The not so obvious danger is this, that when someone is occupying emotional and psychological focus in our life, even if they're not a physical presence in our life, that's not taking up a huge amount of space in our week, if they are an emotional presence in our life, then we never get the emotional distance from that person that's necessary to meet someone new. So now, even though that person isn't with us in our day, isn't with us in our life, we can be in a coffee shop, there can be all these people around us, but we don't look up at those people. We look down at our phone, waiting for that next text, waiting for our fix. And you may be saying to yourself, yeah, but, Matt, I don't know that there's anyone else out there for me, there might not be a happy ending around the corner. That might be true. You might decide to cut off this person completely and go explore and not find anything. But at least it's a question mark. That person who has told you they don't want any more with you is a period. In other words, they have hit period on this situation and said I don't want more. Everyone else out there in the world is a question mark. Leave the period. Start exploring the question marks. Don't lie to yourself about microdosing on a person being harmless to you. It is not harmless. In terms of your time, your emotional energy, and your psychological well being, it can be lethal. You don't want a drug, you want happiness. So start going for happiness.
