Confusing Red Flags to Look Out For

You know, to come back after two weeks and be like, I love you. I want to make it work. It's like, but you didn't say that you'd had this sudden change of heart. You said for two years you've been lying to yourself.

She said that somebody said to her, I haven't loved you these past two years, and I was lying to both of us. They ended things, and two weeks later, he came back into her life and said, I need you in my life. I love you. Let's try again. That is very confusing. So he said to her, I never loved you. I don't want to be with you anymore. Then he came back two weeks later and said, I need you in my life. I love you. Let's try again. What does it mean?

My instant reaction to that is that he discovered he can't swim. You know, he got bored of the boat he was on. Maybe he really didn't enjoy the boat that much. But he jumped ship, and then as soon as he was in the water, he went, Ah, help! I can't swim! And then he started swimming back to the boat. He was like, Throw me a raft!

And- maybe he tried to get on a different boat, and the boat was like, Absolutely not, you're not getting on my boat.

Yeah, I mean, maybe he just realized like, oh, there's not, you know, I didn't immediately find another boat. It was just open sea, and that was terrifying. Maybe a boat came by full of pirates, he thought he was going to have a better time swimming. And he realized he, you know, either didn't have the stamina for it, wasn't as strong a swimmer as he thought. Because that's the other thing. You have to, if you're really going to be happy, you have to be able to jump ship and then be okay just swimming, as opposed to getting straight back on another boat. And if you suddenly realize, if you were banking on having another boat immediately, that's a problem. And if you don't and you're just out there swimming, you've. You have to learn how to be a strong swimmer. And a lot of people aren't willing to do that. A lot of people are so unhappy, single. They're terrified of that. So when it's not what they thought it would be, they go back. And what they say is love, like, I've realized the error of my ways or whatever. you can translate that to, I'm terrified. I am so terrified. I don't love you any more than I did two weeks ago. I'm just terrified. And I'm calling that love now.

So that was actually my question. In this instance, would you say that he believes he loves her or is he just saying that as a way of getting back in?

No, maybe.

Because he realizes he's really messed things up.

Well, what's the first thing he said again? 'Cause it was pretty dark.

I haven't loved you these past two years. I was lying to both of us. That is so dark, actually.

It's a long time to have been just going, you know, and look, it's honest.

It deserves to drown at sea if you ask me.

Oh, she's Audrey and she is angry.

Take the metaphor to such a dark place.

I'm sure everyone else would agree.

It was meant, you meant a metaphorical drowning, sort of a hitting of rock bottom single that made him, change his ways and realize that he needed to do some real healing.

Not dying.

Not dying.

More like Great White Shark. What's the giant octopus?

That's a bad way to go.

I don't know who is the octopus in this metaphor. What is the octopus? Age. It gets darker. So, I mean...

Sorry.

Yeah, no, it's... I think that it's quite a statement to say that for two years you haven't really been feeling, you know, what you'd like to be feeling.

It's also a really nasty thing to say to someone. I don't think that's. I think that's a little bit too much information.

Really. I haven't loved you for two years. I mean, it's. Yeah, it's a hell of a thing to say to someone.

I think he just sounds like maybe a guy who's at the whims of his emotions a lot. That sounds like it was said during a fight or a breakup, and he goes off and he just, like. again, is a little bit manic with his decision making and his love life.

There's something very childish about coming back after two weeks and not addressing what the, you know, what you will have just done to someone's reality, to their self-esteem, to say that for two years you've been living in this unreality with me, thinking that it's reality. that, you know, to come back after two weeks and be like, I love you. I want to make it work. It's like. But you didn't say that you'd had this sudden change of heart. You said for two years you've been lying to yourself.

He said he has no heart.

How do, how do you, how do you, how do you come back from that in that moment? That's going to take he, you know, that, that seems to me a very flippant way to come back. So Jameson might be right about someone being at the Mercy of their emotions.

Flippant and confusing.

And selfish. To come back after two weeks and what you've just done to someone's reality is a very selfish thing to do. Because there's clearly work to be done and there's no way he did it in two weeks.

Next one we have, oh, I love this one. I can't give you a title, but I act like your boyfriend. Aren't actions enough for you?

Brilliant.

Was that Harry to Mega Mark or?

Oh, wow. Very good, Stephen. That's very good. There you go. That's really good.

Very good.

Because she can't get a title.

That's good English humor.

Yeah, that's really very witty, Stephen.

Monarchy banter.

I feel like we made a video, but this person is the reason we had to make that video. We used to say, Don't listen to what they have to say, watch their actions. And then we had to change it, where it's like, no, you have to watch their actions and their words, and you have to believe whatever one is less likely to believe.

I need to explain this now, 'cause that was very confusing. Oh, I know exactly the train of thought you were going on now, of course, because this is the addendum, isn't it?

Yeah, this guy is probably causing the confusion that made us have to make this next video.

So let me start at the beginning. the point we've made for a very long time is watch someone's actions, not their words, which on some level we've all heard before, right? If someone treats you badly, but they say they love you and that you mean so much to them, but they treat you really poorly, then their actions are what matter, not their words. But there is a caveat to that we realized from years of coaching people, because there would be many examples where just like in the case of this guy, a woman would come to us and say, but he all of his actions say the right things. He comes to my house, I go to his house. We've met each other's friends. We hang out all the time. We text all the time. We talk all the time. He behaves completely like my boyfriend. So if I were to measure him by his actions, not his words, I would say This is great. This is exactly what I want, except his words are, I'm not looking for a relationship, or I can't commit to you right now.

Or in this case, I can't give you a title.

Which is the same thing. I don't want to be exclusive. I don't want to be, or even if they are exclusive, I'm not actually able to handle the reality of that, which is that I'm actually in a relationship with someone that the intention of which is for it to go somewhere, not stand still. And by not accepting any kind of title, it's possible for them to just be stuck in time together without any real, what it says, at worst, it says, I wanna sleep with other people. And a title stops me doing that. At best, it says, I can't handle the idea that in any way I'm committed. which even if he's acting as your boyfriend in practice is a problem because it says this person can't psychologically get them to a place of get themselves to a place of thinking in terms of building something. So you will stand still with this person, albeit giving you the attention that a boyfriend would, you'll stand still with this person for as long as it takes for you to realize it's not actually moving forward or for as long as it takes for him to bail because he finally says, I can't do this out loud. So what he's saying is, I want my cake and to eat it. And I'm telling you, you know, why do you need a title? I'm already doing all of the right things in his mind. It's like I can walk away with ease at any time, as long as we don't have a title.

Yeah, I think he needs to go into the sea as well.

I think a simple model for this is actions are greater than words unless the words are unhelpful for your penis.

And if I were to decode what Jameson said, because I know that is gonna need some deciphering, if he says something that, and Jameson's right, if a guy says something that is gonna hurt his chances of getting laid, or might hurt his chances of getting laid. You can absolutely believe that thing that he says, because no guy wants to do that. And, and telling someone, I don't want to give you a title, could make you go the other direction. So if he's saying that, he's showing a genuine resistance to the very concept of a relationship. But he also is enjoying all of what the kind of feeling of a relationship can give him.

Thanks for decoding me, Matt.

You're so welcome.

You get me.

We decode, we decode.

Audrey just wants him in, wants to throw him into the sea.

Yeah, could you stop just making everyone, you're not even making them walk the plank.

What sort of medieval, medieval way of killing someone is that? They must be thrown into the sea.

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is gonna be what the new phrase of the podcast. they can get in the sea.

It's a common phrase. Have you never heard of it?

It just came from a metaphor I made up.

No, it's a common phrase.

Get in the sea.

Get in the sea, yeah.

I've heard get in the bin.

Well, it's a variation on get in the bin.

So you and all your girls back in England say get in the sea.

We used to.

Did you really?

Yeah, 100%.

Throw him unto the ocean.

A bunch of cockney pirates.

Can I just say, when I say this, I don't mean to die necessarily.

But you literally did say that.

Yeah, and I took it back. I took it back. Come on, I took it back. You have to admit this guy's a total idiot.

Yeah. No, I just, I don't wanna wish death on him.

Just to swim and struggle for a while.

Before you go, I have a free video for you to watch over at movonstrong.com if you right now keep obsessing over somebody that you are struggling to get over, maybe because part of you wants them back but you also kind of know that might be a terrible idea but also part of you wants to move on but you don't know how because you don't feel strong enough. Go watch this video. I promise you it's going to help. The link is moveonstrong.com and it's free. I'll see you there.