Decoding How Men Think: The 3-Box Theory

And I think a lot of people mistake sporadic communication for consistency. They'll say, like, why would they text me if they're not into me? And it's like, but they haven't texted you in three days.

Hey, it's Matthew AI.

How can I help? Matthew AI, could you give one piece of advice for anyone who feels like they are burning out in their dating life? But could you make your answer 60 seconds or less?

If you're feeling burned out in your dating life, the most important thing you can do is take a step back and reconnect with yourself. Dating burnout often happens when we're chasing external validation or trying to force outcomes instead of focusing on what truly makes us happy. So pause, ask yourself, am I enjoying the process or am I just enduring it? If it feels like a grind, shift your energy toward activities that make you feel alive and confident outside of dating. Whether that's spending time with friends, pursuing a hobby, or just taking care of your mental and physical health. When you're in a better place emotionally, you'll naturally bring a more positive energy to your interactions, and that's when dating starts to feel exciting again. Remember, you're not just looking for someone to choose you. You're also deciding who's worth your time and energy.

I mean, here's the crazy part about that. I was just on a live with all of our Love Life members. And for the Love Life members listening, you will know this is true. Someone just asked me that exact question of how to deal with dating burnout. My answer was to a T that exact answer.

Wow.

If you were on that live, email podcast@matthewhussie.com I need verification of how uncanny that was. If you haven't used Matthew AI yet, go check it out. AskMH.com is the link where you can go and ask free questions for three minutes. If you've never used it before, and if you have used it before, then make sure you get on board with an unlimited amount of Matthew AI because it can be your companion anytime you need. AskMH.com is the link for Matthew AI. Okay, so the inspiration for this episode was this particular TikTok clip that went viral.

Inspired a lot of discussion and debate. And some articles that I read.

Very good. Well, we're gonna play this clip right now for everyone out there watching or listening.

This is my theory. When men meet you in a romantic setting, they put you in a box. Either they wanna date you, they wanna sleep with you, or they want nothing to do with you. It's very difficult to shift from box to box. Your behavior doesn't really affect what box you're into a guy. So if he meets you and he's like, I want to date this girl, you could puke on his shoes and sleep with him on the first night and it wouldn't matter. Vice versa, if he meets you and he just wants to hook up, you could make him wait three months to sleep with you. It's not going to change that. Women are so different. Meet a guy and we're like, oh, he's just for fun. Then three weeks later, we're sitting down to brunch with our friends being like, so I'm thinking about Tuscany for our wedding. Developed this Theory because over the years I've noticed with me and my friend, doesn't matter when you decide to sleep with someone. and I get asked this question all the time. Tinks, how long should I make him wait? What about the three date rule? What about the five date rule? Sleep with him when you are ready. Waiting to sleep with someone doesn't guarantee that he's going to view you as relationship material. Again, sleep with him when you are good and ready. That's the only thing that matters. And don't worry about it.

Interesting.

I don't think I agree with anything that was just said.

Okay, well, this is why I want to bring this.

There's.

There was a lot. A lot of assertions in this. Also, what's interesting is the gender difference that's being claimed to be true. That if you're a guy, you've decided what box a woman is in. Because that was what she was asserting, right? Right. If you're a guy, you decide what box a woman is in. And I think what were the three she gave? They either want to date you, sleep with you, or not interested at all.

Yeah.

I think she put it, want nothing to do with you. Brutal. But that's, if you're a guy apparently, and you don't, like, whatever happens, you keep someone in that box. But if you're a woman, if you're having, you can say, oh, this guy is just a bit fun, and then a week later, you're talking about it as something serious. That actually goes against what a lot of men have as a theory. Right. A lot of guys, you'll hear guys say like, if she's put you in the friend zone, you're screwed. You're not getting out of there.

That's true.

So it's kind of interesting to hear it said.

But she's not saying the friend zone, right? She's saying like a bit of fun. So she's saying if you're romantically interested enough to be sleeping with the person, to be like dating the guy, it's confusing with dating because dating to me is like English dating where you go on dates rather than like wanting to.

Be in a relationship. She means like date they ever want.

To date you like be in a relationship. Yeah, exactly. They want like they exactly they want a relationship with you, they want commitment from you. But I think what she's saying is that if a woman is dating a guy and just going on a few dates, sleeping with him and all of that stuff, that attraction often builds. Even if she went off in the beginning, she started off saying, oh, it's not gonna be anything serious. She's not talking about breaking out the friend zone.

This would be to suggest that there is nothing you can do to get someone to take you more seriously. which presupposes that there was a point in time where a man just sized you up and said, I just want to sleep with her. That is all I'm interested in.

But do you think that does happen on early dates where you will go on a date with somebody? And I think we can make this gendered for the purpose of this video because I think that the video made it. The video is gendered.

Yeah. So.

Do you think there's any modicum of truth to the fact that when you go on a date with a guy within the first day or the second day, he has already decided whether or not he is going to take you seriously and potentially like commit to you or just sees you as a little bit of fun?

Well, hang on though, 'cause what did she say? When did she suggest this happens?

In the beginning, she didn't say when, but she's suggesting it's early on.

But that's a really big thing, right? Because if someone's- if we're saying- even if we're saying what they've decided by the end of a date, well, you've had a whole date to influence.

But I think- I think she's- She's still saying though, like, if you go on a date and you make a certain impression, men will then put you in one of three boxes. That's what she's saying. And then she's saying, once you're in that box, it doesn't matter if the second date you're like, you know, amazing and do all of the right things, you're already in that box.

And so I think it's more like.

They won't take you seriously.

I think it's more like you might disqualify someone because something, some clash of values comes up really early or, wow, this person is so different to me that this isn't going to work. You can see something like that in the first two dates where you go, ah, I They're really nice or they're attractive, but like we have no intellectual connection. We have no emotional connection. And that could make you immediately put them in a box where that but that's a thing that's unlikely to change because it's fundamental to your differences. So it's not like something on a third date is gonna make them a different person.

What would be an example?

Like you, I don't know, maybe you have completely different idea of what you, where you see your life in the next few years or your personality. Maybe their personality is just a certain way where you're like, they're too loud for me. They're too obnoxious. They argue. Like, you get into an argument, you're like, I'm a chill person, and they're turning everything into a debate or something. Oh, I can't deal with that. Like, you know, personality stuff. Then you're like, you might instantly go, this isn't gonna work. Like, we might have a nice time, but.

So you're sort of saying that if someone has if someone's decided they're disinterested in you, that's unlikely to change. And if they're a man, maybe they'll still sleep with you because they physically maybe are attracted to you. But if they realize like there's no relationship potential because we're so different, then that disinterest, it's kind of in a way that the boxes merge. there because it's both they might put you in the sleep with you and disinterested category. Well, she said, want nothing to do with you. The middle ground for a lot of men is I, I might not see this person as someone I want a relationship with, but I do still want to sleep with them for a bit of fun. So I am, it's not I want nothing to do with them. It's just that I'm not interested enough for a relationship. I do want to sleep with them. What you're saying is There are certain things that are really hard to come back from if someone on a first date has already got the sense that you guys just are completely different in ways that he doesn't want.

Right, and it might not be they made a fundamental mistake. It might just be like, you,'re very different people. But I think women do that as well. Men can do things or say things, obviously, that a woman goes, I don't see this guy as relationship potential. I think that happens as well. The two things I will say to qualify this, though, is there's also, if someone doesn't want a relationship or a guy doesn't want a relationship, it could be timing. He may just be very much in a place where he's not, it's not even to do with you right now. He might just not be wanting to commit, might have commitment issues. So there might just be something that's nothing to do with you, in which case everyone would go in the casual box or you can also influence, I think you can influence with your behavior what box you're in. I think that's definitely true. You could influence, like if you, let's imagine there's also another box of not interested but they're nice or they're friendly. That's absolutely can be influenced by you, if you go on a date and you have no ability to flirt, to attract, to be a little seductive and you're just the fun, sarcastic, whatever person. They might go, oh, they're nice and they're attractive, but I don't feel... I don't feel like this is a sexual person. I don't feel like this person's lighting me up. That's absolutely influenced by behaviour.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not like, oh, you're just put in that category.

I'm kind of thinking of, like, Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers.

In what way?

Yeah, in what way?

Well, you know, he's-- I forget the actor's name that he hooks up with in Wedding Crashers, but the redhead-- Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher.

I think it is, yeah.

So, you know, he's with her, and he absolutely is just thinking, this is a hookup. Like, he thinks she's a little nuts. He's like, this is a lot. But like, he's also like, I'm hooking up with her, it's fun, whatever. It's gonna be a bit crazy. And then at a certain point, it flips. Like, at a certain point, and I'm not saying we should take all our lessons about love from movies, but there is something about the fact that at one point, she kind of laughs at him because he's taken this-- she said she was a virgin, and he took it really seriously. And then at a certain point, she's like, I just said that 'cause I thought you'd think it was like sexy or something. She's like, Really? You thought I was a virgin? And then she like almost mocks him for being so naive.

Yeah.

And it's like at that moment he starts realizing there's more to this person than he realized. And he's the one who starts seeing it as more. He realizes there's something here. And totally ends up like, it's like madly in love with her. And I think that there's something very true to life about that. There are people that you don't think are very sexual, and then all of a sudden they show up maybe in a certain... Someone you thought I'm not interested in can show up in a certain outfit to a party. and all of a sudden you're like, oh, like I didn't realize or they can be like playful or cheeky in a way that they weren't the first five times you met them. And you realize, oh, there's like there's a sexiness to this person that I didn't appreciate when they were on their best behavior or when they were just being exceedingly polite or like you see them in a new light. I don't know what, why would why anyone would think that men are not capable of those kinds of transitions.

Well, that one, sexual compatibility could completely change someone's box. Make them more feel like this could work or not work based on just, we don't know until we've been intimate, if we're compatible in that sense. So I think there's all these things actually, you could shift boxes throughout, I think.

I wonder with what Tinx is posing though. I wonder if it's the feeling as a single woman when you're dating a guy and you don't have access to the inside of their brain. And so what you have is just their behavior towards you. And so you might go on multiple dates with them, feel like everything's going really well, hearing from them all the time, everything's great. and then you sleep together and then suddenly communication starts to change. They start to pull away. You don't really know what's happened, blah, blah, blah. And she's almost saying that like when men know they know, like this idea which I think isn't necessarily completely untrue for a lot of men. There's definitely a lot of guys out there who are like, when I met my now wife, there was just something about her that was like so different for me. And it was just like, I just was instantly like, I think this could be, this could be right.

That's a really dangerous idea though.

But let me, let me finish because I think that that's not, it's not, I'm not saying it's always true. It's definitely not always true. But it's not completely untrue either that some people, especially men, really feel that. And I think what what Tinx is getting at, which I think is kind of interesting, is like, okay, is it the case that when you go on a date with a person, within the first couple of dates, they have already made up their mind and therefore, like, you may get hurt, but you wouldn't kind of know it because, like, almost like what you then have to try and discern is whether or not somebody is actually only seeing you as a little bit of fun or are they interested in something more serious with you? And kind of like trying to understand that and decipher that in order to make sure that you don't get hurt. I think that's there's something interesting about that because I do think that happens a lot. And I will say this one last thing, which is like, I think it's really hard for a lot of women because men kind of, they will sort of make decisions based on what they want, but they won't, they won't change their behavior. Their behavior would still be indicative of somebody that wants a relationship and wants something serious with you. They'll still text you all the time, be thoughtful, check in, all of that stuff. When they've actually decided, to your point, Stephen, that like on date one or two, they've already decided there's something about your personality that means they'll never actually want to be with you forever. But that doesn't mean that that other person doesn't mean the woman has, has like, you know, got the memo. And so she might be thinking they're really right for each other. then kind of going based on his behavior and then as a result ending up really hurt because what they're doing is just kind of like going, I've decided this isn't serious for me, so I'm okay to carry on like this and I don't care about the fact that I'm going to hurt this person. I think that's really hard, which I think is why this video has gone viral, is I think it hits a bit of a pain point for a lot of women in dating. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to men, but I just want to put that out there in the ether.

It definitely happens to men because men have their own experience of being led on by women, you know, being made to feel like they might be interested, being texted and then find themselves in some version of it's either not progressing or she doesn't want a relationship with him. She wants to keep it where it is. So I think men most certainly do have their own version of that. The I don't think it's as common that a guy who... I'm not saying between men and women, I'm just saying the scenario where a guy has decided he's not interested in you, but then is very consistent with his behaviour of showing up in your life, texting, calling, but not like in a mad love bombing way. Right, you can see lots of that in the beginning in terms of like someone's trying to sleep with you or trying to get a lot from you very quickly. So in that case, you can be forgiven for thinking someone's extremely like into you when really you're not seeing consistency over time. You're just seeing like a flurry of activity in a very short space of time because they're excited about like that end result. And then once they get the end result, they're not interested or whatever. I think it's a lot less common for someone over over a series of weeks to show up in a consistent way in your life, having decided that they are not interested in you. And I think a lot of people mistake sporadic communication for consistency. They'll say like, oh, they, but they, look, they're text, why would they text me if they're not into me? And it's like, but they haven't texted you in three days. And now they sent you a text, but you're like, they keep texting me. They texted me three days ago. They just texted me again today. And when I look at that, I go, that doesn't feel consistent to me.

So, you're saying consistency, lack of consistency means you are in the bit of fun box.

Yeah, I think someone will keep you- someone who wants sex will keep you on- they'll keep themselves on your radar. that's not the same thing as someone who you feel like is investing in the interactions.

I think that's really hard to discern for people though. I agree with you. I think you're absolutely spot on, but I do think that's why I'm kind of like touching on that consistency point, which we've talked about many times before, but like that's almost like a very practical way of actually discerning where someone stands, because I do think it's really tricky to If you do hear from somebody every day or every other day, but you're used to that, that's the communication pattern. And it's early days, and when you are on dates, everything's really great, and they're perfectly lovely, and they're planning dates. And you can also be excused for thinking, oh, maybe it's just like they're dating style, and they don't know me well enough.

Yes, but when people say this to me, I'm always interested in the nature of the messages themselves because it's fascinating how many times people can say, we text all the time and there's this back and forth communication and it's just not progressing. I don't get it. Like, he clearly, like, they're texting me. They're doing like, and then when you look at the messages, there is nothing going on in these messages. Like, it is, it's like weather talk. You're like, that's not a conversation. You can make stuff sound like conversation when you say, me and this person text back and forth all the time. It sounds like you're having lots and lots of, like, actual conversations and, and you've got to know each other and you've invested in asking each other questions and there's a flow to it, there's a chemistry to it. But actually, when you're just going back and forth with these, like, surface level messages, you're nothing interesting is ever happening. You're having as much conversation with this person as you are with the Barista in your local coffee shop. The wider point I want to make about all of this is that this idea that you can't switch boxes, it suggests a real lack of agency in having any impact on the way that people think about us. And we have a lot of influence over the way people think about us from the way we show up. The whole point of any work that we do in our organization around standards and boundaries and being able to point out when you're not getting enough for you to keep putting in energy to something. The whole point of that is not just to have a boundary that protects you. It's also that by having boundaries and standards with people you influence Which absolutely.

Does make someone more attractive. If they have standards in their life, you see the way they live, you see they have certain boundaries, you are more likely to think, wow, this person's a real catch.

And every one of those interactions is a signpost telling someone how to think about you. So the idea that who we are to someone gets frozen in time, in a specific moment assumes that that impression is the only one that counts. But actually every interaction we have with someone is a chance to influence the way that person sees us. It's shocking to me how many people in my life, not just romantically, I have realised I was wrong about in some way. It happens all the time. To suggest that dating is this magical realm where that doesn't happen, where someone just says, Guys, Guys screw it up all the time, by the way, with people that they sleep with and are like, I've just put her in the fun box, and then they see that person keep sleeping with them, and then at some point they lose them because she actually goes and finds a real boyfriend. And they're like, oh my God, what have I done? I've screwed up here. That happens a lot. and then they like, ladies, I know you have tons of stories of guys coming back who didn't take you seriously at one point, and now they're like, that was really dumb. I like you. I shouldn't, you know, like, I treated it too casually. Plenty of women have stories like that. So what is that an example of, if not someone realizing that there was an ignorance to the box that they put you in? And something about the way you moved on with your life, something about the way that you raised your standard and said, this isn't for me, made them go, oh, what was I thinking?

Well, and equally, there's a lot of guys who have been, maybe they lived a lot of their young life being put in a friend box and they learned how to get confident in their sexual nature or their flirtation, and that will have completely changed how they were perceived. The thing I will go back to agreeing with Audrey, and this is, again, why I think this video really struck a chord. and is helpful in its way, even if I don't agree with the idea that you're just permanently in a box. I think it helps people who are flogging a dead horse when you think, oh, if I just have this specific rule about when I sleep with them, that's gonna make them see me as girlfriend potential. Or if I say this, like, If I could just say the exact right thing in this moment, then he's gonna stop seeing me as casual. You know, if I can just like have all the right Jedi mind tricks in that moment, then he's gonna flip, even though he's been treating me casually for like three, four months or six months. Like somehow that's gonna he's gonna see all this potential in me. And I think it stops people who feel like they are holding out for someone to like change their mind.

And if you are in that situation, actually, the best thing that you can do is head over to getcommitment.com because we have a one hour training that Matt did, which is incredible. And basically, if you are in a situation where you are dating somebody, you don't really know how to get commitment from that person, you think there's potential. But also you're kind of afraid of having the conversation. This will basically guide you on exactly how to have that conversation, exactly how to influence that person in a way where they will be able to give you commitment if they are in a place where they're actually able to do that, which is obviously a big if, but it's a risk you have to take in order to get that answer. So that training is at getcommitment.com it's absolutely incredible. It's actually new as well. We've only had it for like a month or so.

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