"Did I Move Too Fast for Him?"
In this Love Life call‑in episode, Matthew Hussey (as Matthew AI) helps a 29‑year‑old caller, Colleen, who worries that kissing a man on their first date caused his interest to wane. Matthew dismantles her "hard‑to‑get" rule, explaining that a first‑date kiss does not make a woman "easy" and that many long‑term relationships begin with early physical intimacy. He warns against creating false causal rules linking physical actions to a partner’s texting behavior. Instead, he advises Colleen to focus on her own standards, maintain control, and assess a partner’s overall pattern of actions rather than over‑analyzing individual texts. He suggests practical communication strategies—e.g., expressing a desire to slow things down if needed—and encourages her to stop stressing, zoom out, and invest her energy in higher‑value activities. The episode concludes with a reminder to stay high‑value, set boundaries, and not let overanalysis dictate dating decisions.
Chapters
Good day, everybody. This is Matthew Hussey with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. I believe that call. His name is Carlene Carleen. Are you present, my love?
Yeah, I just have a quick question, because, you know, I've been playing hard to get for so long, and it's not working out for me. And I've been single for three years, and finally I've met this guy that I really like. So we had a date last Saturday, but I think I did it the wrong way. We made out, and I'm just, like, worried, how am I going to maintain the interest level after that? Because I felt like after that, the interest level went down. How am I going to. Just.
What do you normally do when you play hard to get? When you say you've been playing hard to get for a long time, what does that mean?
Yeah, I don't text them. I mean, if they don't text me, I don't text them. And usually if they get started to feel physical or, like, ask for a kiss, I told them no. But this one is, like, right off the bat, like, we did it. Like, we kissed, we hugged. You know, I slept. Like, I stayed the night with him, but nothing happens. But it's just, like, I'm just worried that he's give. He's getting a wrong impression of me.
How? Colleen, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
29.
29. So do you think that not kissing a guy or saying no when they try to be more physical with you is the way to get guys to like you?
No.
Why not?
Because I guess, like, you know, I mean, I'm sending a wrong signal to them that I don't like them.
Okay. So it could be. Could be confusing in that way. It could mean, well, she doesn't like me or she doesn't find me sexually attractive. That, by the way, doesn't mean you should say yes every time. But there is, of course, a moment where it's fun to say yes, right? Because you.
It's nice.
It's nice. Of course, because you're going out with someone because you like them, too. Um, so there is a time when it feels both timely, appropriate, and fun to say yes. What I'm. What I'm thinking of is, why is it that you've got this rule in your head that means if I kiss him on the first date, he won't be interested anymore?
Yes, because, like, I felt like I let my guard down too comfortable right away, and I don't want him to Feel that I'm easy. You know, I want him to see me in a relations, type of serious relation type of potential.
But does kissing a guy on a first date mean you're easy?
I'm not sure. Maybe.
See, to me, here's how I define easy. Easy is, I will always break my standards in order to please somebody else. Whatever they want, whenever they want it, they can have it on their terms. Because I don't want to be confrontational. I don't want to be difficult, and I don't want to say no to somebody. To me, that's easy. You kissing someone because you feel like kissing them doesn't make you easy. Now, this is a really important distinction to understand, because if on the next date you didn't feel like kissing him, you wouldn't have to.
Gotcha. But how. How am I going to maintain? Because after that, like, or on our text messages, I think the interest level, he's not that aggressive enough. He changed so well that I'm just a little bit worried that. Yes, but his shifted.
Here's what you have to be careful of, Colleen, because you're. You're in danger right now of creating a. A rule around something that's not reality. See, what you're saying is right now he's not being as aggressive in terms of coming after me, but you're also saying that's because I kissed him. And I'm gonna tell you that those two things don't necessarily have anything to do with each other. You're creating a rule that supports your theory that you already have, which is I. I need to play ultra hard to get and always reject a guy's advances. And now that I didn't reject a guy's advances, he doesn't like me anymore. So I should definitely go back to rejecting all of their advances. Well, that. That's not. That's just a rule that you've made up in your head. Guys. Guys sometimes lose interest. Guys sometimes decide to text you less or call you less. That's. That's just what happens. That happens to people all the time, regardless of what exactly they do. It can happen to any of us. The fact that you kissed him doesn't necessarily have anything to do with that. Now, you know that at any point, you can go on a date with this guy again and you can put on the brakes, or you slow things down if you want to, or you could just say, you know what? Kissing him is no big deal. I kissed a guy. It's no big deal. Like, I'm not This isn't. I didn't say to him, right, I'm now open for business 24 hours a day. Anytime you want me, come get me. You, you just, you kissed him because that's what. Because you were a woman and you were out on a date and maybe he was looking hot and you thought, why not? This will be fun. So don't suck the fun out of it by suddenly saying, well, I definitely shouldn't have kissed him. That's how I ruined it. I don't believe that. I don't say it's good advice to always sleep with a guy on a first date, but the reality is many relationships, long term relationships and marriages started from a first date when they slept together. Wow. So, so it's not true that, oh, if you sleep with a guy on a first date, you're gonna ruin it. Of course that's not true. That's a mass generalization. By the way, there are many situations where a guy goes on a date with a woman, sleeps with her, has such a great time, is really attracted, and says, I must have her again, I must call her again. And maybe she slows it down a bit. Maybe she says, you know what? I realized we moved a bit quickly because we're so hot and into each other and you know, I just wanted to. But we need to slow things down a bit because I, that I need a bit more, you know, meaning to this. If, if we're going to be that intimate with each other, I need to know that we're kind of going somewhere. Do you don't think that that woman seems just as high value, doesn't she?
Yeah. So I need to say to him that, you know, I'm wanna put. I want to slow things down a little bit.
No, no, that's not what you need to say. That's what you could say. That is what you could say if you wanted to slow things down. If you felt like you've moved too fast and you don't want to, then you can always say to a guy like, maybe we moved a little fast in the beginning. We, perhaps we should slow things down. But I'm not telling you. You have to slow things down. I'm not telling you did anything wrong. Kissing a guy is not a bad thing. It's okay. So I don't want you to create a false reality where kissing a guy on a first date is some big thing. Right? People do this on dates all the time. All the time. And it's fun and it's. And it's not A big deal. And it doesn't make you easy. It makes you a sexual person. And that's absolutely normal. So don't think, don't overthink this issue. The fact is, it sounds like there's a guy right now who's not texting you as much as you'd want or not. Not chasing you as aggressively as you'd want. And that's a separate issue. You can just. By the way, we assume it's a separate issue. It might be because he had in his head, he was like, oh, I've kissed her now I don't want any more. I doubt very much that's true. You know, the point is, right now he's not texting you in the way that you want. Deal with that issue. Don't, don't link it automatically to something it's not linked to. Instead, just say, okay, he's not texting me as much as I want. Firstly, that's not all that attractive. You. If a guy is into me, that's really attractive. If he's not really into me, that's not all that attractive. So the next time he does want to get together, you might get together with him, but you might get together on your terms. You might step away a little bit. You might say, you know what, you have to come to my part of town. You know, you have to pick me up or whatever. You might say something that, that allows him to show his investment, because right now he's not showing his investment. And it might be that when you go on a date with him next time and he goes to kiss you, it might be that you, you say to him, you know, I do want to kiss you, but maybe we should slow it down a bit, because I didn't, you know, since last time, I didn't really feel that you were as interested as maybe I thought you were. And, and let you know, let him, let him know that, that it's not that you don't want to kiss him. You know, listen, I like kissing you, but I, I, I, you know, I tend to, if I'm kissing someone is because I feel like I like them and I want to see them again, but I didn't really feel that from, from you. And, and let him then work his way back to it and say, no, of course I wanted to see you and blah, blah, blah. That doesn't mean you have to go home with him, right? That might mean, okay, maybe at the end of this date we kiss again. But I see if his, if he improves in his communication But. But then you can take it step by step. So can you see how you can still slow it down afterwards? You don't have to make up some rule like, oh, I've done this now. I've crossed a. I've crossed a line that I could never go back from.
Yeah, because, like, here's what happened. Because after that, like, the next day, he texted me, and I told him on the text, thanks for the amazing night. You know, I really enjoyed it. Looking forward to speak with you soon and to know you more. And then he did not respond the next day. So my friends was like, telling me, oh, you just, like, make him feel he's a big guy or something. And. And I felt like I'm just beating myself up, like, oh, did I say that one? And then the next day he texted. I'm like, okay, did I just, like, push the envelope?
And what did he text you the next day?
He said, like, oh, yeah, it was an amazing night. You know, I really enjoyed last Saturday and, you know, good food, although you're late. And that's it. Like, it's just, like, a simple response, and I'm just trying to decode it, and I just have no idea. What does it mean?
I think, Colleen, you're. You're an overanalyzer.
Yeah, you're.
You're analyzing way too much. Look, kissing on a first date can be really hot. Being with someone who overanalyzes your every move is not. So what should I do?
Just, like, I don't stress myself out thinking all the situation.
Yes, stop stressing yourself out. Stop reading into everything. Life's too short.
I know.
Were you going to get married and read into everything your husband does all the time, every second of the day?
No.
No. Because you're going to go gray and die 30 years early from stress. You have to stop analyzing. Nothing is that important. Nothing is that important. Your. What you do with your time in your life and your energy is important. How you stick to your principles in life, how you live with integrity, how you give to the world what you want to give to the world, that's important. Analyzing someone else's every move that you can't control is not important. And ultimately, you're always going to be able to look at the average of someone's actions and say, what kind of person is this? Is this someone I really want to be around? You're always going to be able to do that on the average of someone's actions, but do it on the average of someone's actions. Don't be looking at every little action they take. Because if you look at every little action, you're screwed. If tonight they don't text you back because they fell asleep earlier than you, what are you going to do at midnight? You're going to say, oh, my God, they didn't text me back. They must not like me as much as they did five hours ago.
That's so true. That's so me.
Right? No. Maybe they fell asleep. Maybe they got caught up watching House of Cards. Maybe they weren't checking their phone. Maybe it was on silent in the next room. Maybe they're just not texting every five minutes. Which, by the way, is sometimes a good sign of how interesting someone is. Zoom out, because right now you're zoomed all the way in. Zoom out and see it. See it with some perspective. Get a bird's eye view on the situation and say, okay, I'm going to see the average of this guy's actions. On average. Does it seem like he's into me? If yes, great. If no, fine. The next time he asks me out, maybe I'm going to tread a little carefully. Maybe I'm going to let him know that he doesn't seem to, you know, try that hard. You know, he doesn't. He doesn't show it all that much. Maybe I'm going to let him know not in a needy way, but in a high value way. Because if he's trying to sleep with me, maybe I'm going to express my concern that, you know what, I find you hot and attractive. But honestly, I don't sleep with people unless I'm really sure that. That there's a mutual connection. And I don't know if I feel that from you, but. But that's you taking control. That's not you analyzing every situation and going back to your friends and having a little tribunal about what a text message means every time he sends it. I don't want this. Not from you, Colleen. All right.
Yes. Okay.
All right. So I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Zoom out. Focus on what's important in life and I. E. You. And not every little tiny action that this other human being is taking. And know that you're always in control. You never give over control, not if you don't want to. You're in control. You decide. You slow it down. You put the. You step on the gas when you want, and you always have the ability to reclaim any standard you want at any time. So relax and go and have fun.
Okay, I'll just relax and Just let my brain a little bit stop for a while.
You know, give your brain a little rest. Or you know what, or go and use that brain for something really important, like, like read a book or listen to a podcast. You know, use that energy for something that's actually going to better you instead of something that's going to rot your brain. Imagine, overanalyzing is like watching the Kardashians. It's just. It's just rotting your brain.
Oh, my God. That's so funny.
All right, Colleen, go have fun. I'll speak to you soon. All right.
Thank you. Thank you, Matthew. It's very enlightening.
It's been fun. I'll speak to you soon. And thank you guys for listening to Love Life. So appreciate you being on the line. I love. I know we took a lot more time over this one, but I love actually really over and overanalyzing. I love analyzing the situations and getting into it with people and actually finding out, you know, what are the issues. And it's interesting for Colleen to take it through to that logical conclusion that forgetting this guy, maybe it is more about how much she's analyzing in general. But thank you for listening, guys. Come join me on Facebook for the discussion. Facebook.com coach Matthew Hussey. I'm also on Twitter matthewhussey. And by the way, you can call in and ask a question on love Life anytime you want to. 844-2046-2888. We'll speak soon. Bye.
