DO THESE 3 Things To Make Him COMMIT To You! | Matthew Hussey

If you ask the questions, he'll give you the answers. Most women never ask the questions, and so they never get the truth from a guy.

If you can go away and be strong on your own, when you come back, you can be a better leader for him as well.

If you don't care about a guy, you're far more likely to jump into bed with him than a guy you really like, and you go, oh, well, no, I just, I didn't want to ruin it with you.

I am really puzzled by modern day commitment. It seems that People have a really hard time committing these days. There's always something better out there. I'm sure social media has a lot to do with it. People comparing their lives to others. I know in LA where I live, a lot of men have Peter Pan syndrome and they don't want to grow up. It makes me worry to get into a relationship because I feel like.

People.

Are always kind of worried about maybe there's something better out there. Commitment just doesn't seem to be as honored as it used to be. causing me some fear into getting into relationships. And I think I, I just wanted to get your thoughts on that, how I can maybe work through some of that and be more trusting.

Yeah, that's a great two part question. I mean, firstly, I think in general, people are worse at committing to anything these days. I think people are worse at committing to careers. I think they're worse at committing to a life path. I think they're worse at committing to marriage. I think we, we have a shorter attention spans and also we have, I think, a certain level of entitlement these days. that makes us feel like we're entitled to a job that is amazing and exciting the whole time. And as soon as it's not, we feel like we need to quit and move on to something else. I think we feel like we're entitled to a relationship that isn't any work that's supposed to be easy. And then as soon as it's not, we start looking for the next thing. And not to mention, if you live in a place like LA and people in London or New York or many major cities will all relate to this, you do face a lot of people with a lot of different options and everything is In a city like this, it's everything all the time. It's everything always. You can have whatever you want any time of day. You can go out every night of the week. There are always new people. There's an endless stream of them. There's always something else going on. And that makes it somewhat difficult. Now, what we have to understand is that there are different experiences of life. There's the experience, for example, of going out and sleeping with multiple people. and having a kind of roster of people on the go that you enjoy and you just seeing where that takes you and you have all the variety that comes with that. Then you have the experience, which is being with one person and sharing your day with them and figuring out how they are when they get home and telling them how you are when you get home. And, you know, you go and you go and do something with that person and you can really relate to them because you know them, you share your news with them and you wanna share your news because they know how hard you worked for that promotion that you're now excited about, unlike the person you met last week who doesn't care. It's a different experience. People grow and as they mature or hopefully mature, not every guy does, but as they mature they start to have, they value experiences differently. Some people go through their lives and they begin to truly value that sense of real meaning and connection that comes with being with one person. Other people, by the way, never get to that stage. I actually, I truly believe that that's the minority. I think that most people actually to a point where they want more meaning in their lives.

That's very good to hear because that's kind of what I was wondering is, you know, how as things have changed, you know, and I think of my parents in the 60s or whatever, it was such a natural thing to commit to somebody and that's what you did. And now it seems more unnatural to do that because, you know, divorce is prevalent and things. But I think, like you're saying, inherently maybe in humans, like people ultimately do want a quality experience. And so just as It's like a maturity thing then.

It is. And here's where the results get skewed, because I think that most guys will get to a point where they want more meaning, with the minority never wanting more meaning or having some sort of problem internally that stops them from accessing that part of themselves. Here's where the results get skewed. Many guys, because of this sense of entitlement where we think, God, before I get to a certain age, I have to have played around enough, I have to have traveled enough, I've had to have had a ton of adventure, I need to have made a certain amount of money, need to be in a certain place in my status, in my career. They have all of these things that they feel like they need to check off before they meet the woman that they're going to spend their life with and settle down. Here's the problem. Despite this sense of entitlement, many of them never achieve all of those things by the time they meet that woman. So all of a sudden, they're meeting this amazing woman and they think, God, I could marry this woman. I could spend my life with this woman. If only I'd been to all those countries I already wanted to go to. If only I feel like I played around enough, had enough adventure, if only I I'd already made that money that I said I'd make, you know, I said I'd be a millionaire by 30. I'm not, I need to keep going with that. They have all of these things that they feel like they haven't done yet when they meet that person. And all of a sudden, they find themselves sabotaging a relationship, not because the relationship's wrong, but because they feel like they haven't arrived at that place in their life just yet.

That is so profound and is, I think, so true.

Yeah, it's tough. It's very, very tough. So, yeah, it's tough. Here's the key. The key isn't about trusting more. I think the idea of trust is actually misguided in many cases. The onus isn't on you to just trust people blindly. That's dumb. That's what ends up with you being murdered in a dark alley somewhere. I just trust everyone, right? You don't just trust people. What you do is you allow people to earn You're trust and you give them the chance in the first place. That's all it is. I'm going to allow you to put in that 5% of F amount of effort that allows you to get 5% of my trust, then 10% and 15% and so on. That's how any relationship is built. You don't start with the trust, you build the trust. So any guy that's going to be worthy of you has to show that he's worthy of you by the investment that he puts in and by showing you that he's actually interested in the same things that you're interested in in terms of a relationship. that's going to be built over time. The easiest thing you can do for yourself is to look for guys in the right stage of their lives in instead of trying to convert guys in the wrong stage of their lives.

So, so true.

If you want to find a guy in the right stage of his life or you want to find out if a guy is in the right stage of his life, simply ask him the right questions. When you're early on, ask him, you know, what's, are you interested in, in a relationship at this stage in your life? Or do you feel like you still have more that you want to get out of your system? if you talk about his past relationship, why did you break up with that person? That will tell you a lot, by the way. Does he talk about it being, you know, he's the reason that they broke up because he wasn't ready for a relationship, or is it because of something that she was doing and therefore he just hadn't found the right person? If you ask the questions, he'll give you the answers. Most women never ask the questions, and so they never get the truth from a guy because they don't want to hear it. So just go and be smart about it. I'm, I, you know, I, you're gonna be fine because you're, you're clearly an intelligent person. You clearly want the result, and you're clearly measured. You're not biased. You just want find someone great. So keep going out there, keep your chin up, and when you talk to guys, measure them based on their investment, not based on what you want them to be. I'm gonna give you this scenario, and I know you've probably been there before. You can play it out in the worst possible way. It starts like this. One person. brings up that they have this friend. If it's a, a, a woman early on in the relationship, she'll be like, oh, yeah, one of my, one of my guy friends, blah, blah, blah. And one of the immediate things that goes through his head is, well, who is this guy friend? And have you hooked up? Now, this happens the other way, too. Of course, he'll get a message is from Jane, and you go, did you so is that who is Jane? Is she someone that you've slept with before or what's going on? Is she just a friend? Have you always just been friends? We have this sort of initial insecurity and territorial nature that immediately makes us question the opposite sex. Now, this would be ridiculous if we weren't right a lot of the time. Because of course, a lot of the time we are right. We question someone, we go, well, have you ever been with that person? And we'll find out, oh, maybe there was a little bit of history there. Now, ladies, I'm gonna be speaking to you in this episode because it's a guy problem, I think, even more than a woman's problem that guys get overtly territorial in this sense. You can have, for example, a woman who says, and this actually came up recently with a friend of mine, she said to me, oh, this guy that I'm dating and I really like, he got really frustrated because I ended up telling a story and indirectly it referenced a guy that I knew a few months ago. and I said, you know, it's this friend of mine, and he said, well, have you hooked up with him? And she said, yes. Now, she said, I was just being honest, and I don't like lying, so I just said yes. But ever since then, he's had this massive problem with it, so much so that, by the way, this guy is from Chicago. He now has an issue with Chicago. Like, you know, when that happens, and you can be sitting here listening to this episode and thinking that's absurd, but I know You've done this. I know that you've had someone that you're jealous of, that your partner has slept with or done something with, and they're in another city and you developed this irrational hatred for that city or that place. It could even be a restaurant. It could be a part of town. It could be in some cases, it's a country. Like you've dated someone from a country and then you just completely fell out of bed with that country afterwards. You said, that's it. I'm never going there again. Screw. ArgentinA. Now, how do you get around this situation? Because it's tricky. You don't want to get into the territory of always lying to your partner and saying, no, nothing happened there. I have a few tips for this. Firstly, I want to help you understand the male psychology here, because it's easy to berate the opposite sex for the things that they do, their bad habits. This is one of man's, and I mean literally man's bad habits, is that we get overly territorial and we develop this kind of double standard towards women. You know, oh, it would be okay for me to have hooked up in the past, but you hooking up, no, I don't like that. Right? Men develop this double standard towards women. That's not okay. However, understanding where it comes from is very important before you deal with it. One of the problems for this is men's unhealthy attachment to women seeming pure and innocent and never having been with anybody at the same time, by the way, as wanting her to be wildly experienced and amazing in the bedroom. catch 22 there, but guys do go through this all of the time. The second problem guys have is, and this, by the way, ladies, you contribute towards this one a little bit. This is an interesting one. If he's been courting you for the last three weeks because he likes you and you like him, and he's been taking you on dates and great dinners and these romantic scenarios, and he's just now getting to the point of sleeping with you, And then he hears that you hooked up with some guy six months ago on a one night stand or someone you'd barely seen and he was just sleeping with you willy-nilly so to speak without having to do anything, none of the fine dining. A guy thinks screw this. So hang on, you're with me right now and it took me three weeks to get to this point with you and then some guy you don't even care about was able to get this from you in one week without even trying. How is that okay? He imagines him bragging to his friends about how he slept with you and you're just this person he sleeps with whenever he wants. And here he is spending money on dinners, taking you out, trying to turn you into his girlfriend and having a harder time than the dickhead who didn't have to do anything. So that annoys a guy. It frustrates a guy. Now, women, I know where you're coming from. This is the backwards logic. Why? No, the reason I made you wait is because I like you. How mental is that? But it's the truth. If you don't care about a guy, you're far more likely to jump into bed with him than a guy you really like. And you go, oh, well, no, I just, I didn't want to ruin it with you. So I made you wait. That, by the way, although I understand it is not logic that a guy can understand, he just thinks he's insignificant, that he's not as special as the last guy. So when this issue comes up, understand that it both comes from a pigheaded place and a wildly insecure place at the same time. And you have to deal with that with a certain level of sensitivity. Now, the first thing is do not use his language. The mistake my friend made is when he said, did you hook up with him? She said, yes. In other words, all he now hears is, I hooked up with him. Use your own language instead. For example, you say, look, I think it wasn't hooking up. I, we saw each other for a little while. We saw each other for a couple of months. Okay? Now, they may be the same thing. But you're using your language instead of his. A guy will always use the most self-harming language he can, because he's trying to be, especially when he's trying to paint a picture about you, he uses coarse language to describe it. But if you reiterate that language or you just affirm it, it's like you're the one saying it. Guys will lead you into that trap. So instead, soften the language in your own way. Put it in your terms. Second, when you talk about it, be bored of it. Don't say, oh, this, you know, this guy, don't look, he was an idiot. I can't stand him. Don't do not start dissing the guy from the past or talking badly about him. All it shows is how much you care, how much that guy was able to hurt you and still is in your head right now. Be bored about it. Be like, look, yeah, you know, we saw each other for a little bit. It's so done. So done. I'm so over it. And truthfully, I don't even want to be talking about it. It bores me. be bored. That's the best reaction you can have to guys from your past, is not to be angry, not to be overly sentimental, just to be bored of it. Because for a guy in your present, that's something that isn't intimidating to him, is your boredom. But your anger, as soon as he hears your anger, he thinks, oh, God, she really liked this guy. So be bored of it. Use your own language and be a little sensitive. In other words, you can say to him, look, Truthfully, I'm with you now and I care a ton about you and you're my only interest and I don't care about anyone I've been with in the past. That's not my interest right now. That's boring to me. You're interesting to me because you're who's in my life right now and I want to put all of my attention on you. So be sensitive with it. Guide it in the direction you want to go and don't feel like you don't, it doesn't have to get your back up just because he deals with it badly. And always remember, you know, kindness goes a long way. Always remember when, when the situation is reversed, you want his sensitivity as well. If you're insecure, if you're jealous, if you're going through something, you also want his kindness as well. So be kind. Men, by the way, quick note, if you're listening, stop slut shaming. You know who you are. We do it all the time. We date women, we get annoyed with stuff that they do, that we do the exact same thing. And it's because we're territorial and we're insecure and we have a hard time imagining it. I get it. I've been through the exact same thing, but we gotta get over it. because if we want someone who's the type of person we actually want, someone who's lived, someone who's, you know, up for adventure, someone who's exciting and interesting and has lived a little, guess what? Those people come with a past. They're not a clean slate.

What are four of the primary traits that men are really looking for in a woman? Now, obviously this is subjective. Obviously not every man follows these four as their top for, but I think this is a pretty good stab at it.

Number one, playfulness.

Playfulness is one of the most attractive traits because life is hard enough without being with someone who is serious all the time. Someone who can be a bit light and fun and dare I say goofy is somebody that makes the world a little more pleasant to be in. So we look for that in our partner. That could be somebody who when a great song comes on they start dancing. in a funny way or in a silly way or in just a cute way. It could be somebody who when they look at you in that moment they say if you don't kiss me right now I'm gonna die. The second one is sexiness. Sexy is not somebody who has to be overtly sexual. It's somebody who shows their sexual side. You can show your sexual side in a number of ways.

You can show it by moving in a sexy way.

You can do it by showing somebody.

That you desire them.

That shows you have a sexual side. When you think when somebody is hot, when someone's doing something that's sexy, that shows your sexy side. It can be by a look that you give somebody. You could give a guy a little cheeky look across the table that says, I'm undressing you right now with my eyes and you don't even know it.

And now he picks up on something.

But you don't actually have to say that that's what you're doing.

When he says, what?

You can go, what? I wasn't, I was just looking at you. And in that moment there's some tension. Or you can interpret a look he gives you and when he looks at you a certain way, if it's sort of manly and strong and there's something seductive about about it. You could look at him and be like, you can't look at me like that. Not in public. Don't do that. That's bad. And then look away, turn away, get him out of your sight because it's too much for you. Just in that moment, he feels that sexual tension and he sees that you have a sexual side.

Number three, nurturing.

The person who makes you feel both loved and looked after. That's the person who, when they see you yawn, doesn't like slap you on the arm and say, Wake up, it's still early. It's the person who when you yawn says, Long day, babe. Let me come here, give me a cuddle. Let me come nestle under my arm right here.

It's like that person who's just sort.

Of nice and warm and has that loving energy. Everyone wants to be looked after a little bit, don't they? It just makes the world seem like a better place. Like life is just one big giant hug. Now, number four is kind of counterintuitive. Independence. A lot of men, when asked, if they were being honest, might say they wouldn't want their woman to have too much independence because it scares us. When you're independent, we get a bit insecure because we feel like you're not going to need us anymore. But the reality is, when you are independent, when you have your own life, your own hobbies, things you enjoy doing, things you enjoy learning about and you have your own strength of mind independent of him, that's what keeps him attracted. That's what keeps his desire level high. It's also, by the way, what makes him feel like he has a great teammate. Because if you can go away and be strong on your own, when you come back, you can be a better leader for him as well. Because when he's in self-doubt mode, when he's worried about something, when he feels like he's questioning himself or fearful in that moment when you're strong, you can be like, I believe in you, babe. I know you can do this. Everything's going to be okay. I'm going to help make sure of it. You can be a strong teammate when you are independent, but when you're not independent and all of your worth is tied to him or linked to his state of mind, then you can't lead when he needs someone to be strong, when he needs a rock. Now, this may sound intimidating, but you don't need to be all of these four traits. at the same time. The key is to be the right amount of it at the appropriate time. And if somebody sees that over the course of a day or a week, you can be all of these different parts of you, they see a multifaceted human being that they never want to let go of.

I really want you to watch this next video. I think it's going to make a big difference in your life. Click the link here. Now, I know the temptation when a date is going well is to drag it out as long as possible because you're enjoying being with that person. listen, but that's not always productive. Think of the best concert you've ever been to. It ended on a high, and we want our dates to do the same.