In this conversational podcast episode, Stephen and Matthew Hussey discuss why people often over‑invest emotionally in the early stages of dating, projecting idealized images onto new partners. They compare this bias to hiring under pressure, noting that fear of missing out or excitement can both distort judgment. The hosts explore practical ways to curb premature attachment, such as setting a personal rule to wait until at least the fourth date before allowing deeper feelings, and reflecting on past mis‑judgments to stay cautious. They emphasize the importance of having a rich, active life outside of romance—multiple sources of joy and projects—so that a single dating disappointment doesn’t derail confidence. Drawing on Winston Churchill’s “failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm” idea, they advise maintaining a resilient, enthusiastic mindset, treating each date as an experience rather than a make‑or‑break moment. The episode concludes with a promotion for their upcoming virtual retreat (mhvirtualretreat.com) aimed at boosting confidence and helping listeners manage dating setbacks.
Chapters
What I want to bring to you, Matthew, is something you were chatting about on YouTube, which is coping with disappointment in dating. This video seemed to really resonate with people. People talked about how they go overvalue people early on. They end up projecting an image of someone in their mind. And what happens here? Do you think that people. There's a certain kind of person who gets really overexcited and projects onto someone new, or is this. Is this a human flaw that whenever you meet someone who seems to tick a lot of your criteria, you just invest a lot because this doesn't happen very often? What do you think?
Well, I think it's a combination of things. We are a biased judge. We, when we really want to meet someone, when we want to find someone, we become an unreliable judge in many ways. It's not unlike when you really want to recruit someone for your company. If you've got a spot to fill in your company and you feel a time pressure like, I've got to fill this spot now, you're more likely to start to see someone that you think is interesting or, you know, had some good qualities that could be good for your company, and then immediately start projecting, Projecting all of these other things onto them. Because you just really do need to hire someone right now. And so you meet someone, you don't ask all the questions you should because it's almost like you. You don't want to find out that they're not right. You want to believe the resume. You want to think they're, you know, wow, this person's amazing that. Because asking a difficult question, asking a more revealing question about their intentions, about their background, about their skill set might elicit an answer that starts to introduce doubt into your perception of how great they'd be in the company. Very similar to dating in that many of us either feel a need to fill a role, we feel a need to make someone our partner or have a partner in the first place, or we're just very excited about the prospect, or a combination of both. But in a way, fear can drive dating in a negative way. And excitement can also drive dating in a negative way. Because you could have someone who's, you know, 41 years old and is like, I want to have a family and I need to meet someone soon because I feel like I really want to have kids and I'm running out of time or whatever. You can have someone in that mindset who is attributing false qualities to someone or false intentions to someone because they feel like they're in a Rush and that's fear based. But you can also have someone who's 21 and just desperately excited about being in love and having a boyfriend and someone comes or girlfriend and someone comes along and they go, oh my God, they're amazing because they're so excited about the idea of being in love. So I think we're a biased judge and we always have to be aware of that. That my want for this thing to happen, my need for this thing to happen might be coloring my, my judgment and might make me size up this person too quickly before I can possibly know A, how right for me they would be and B, how much they're willing to actually invest. Which. How do you really know that until you've given it a little time?
We had a good comment on YouTube from Sam who said, I am guilty of creating an idea of someone in my head and falling in love with that idea. One way I prevent myself doing this is giving myself a rule where I don't allow myself to get invested until at least date 4. I keep reminding myself I'm still in the getting to know you phase. And the idea I have of them in my head is not reality. Now what I want to ask you, Matthew Hussey, do you think that one can rationalize themselves into this position? Do you think it's something you have to train yourself a little bit to do? Is it something that maybe with a bit of time and wisdom you have experienced a few letdowns where your first impression was wrong and so you realize I have to stop believing that so heavily.
Thinking of the past and when you've been so wrong is a sobering thought. I think that anytime we think we're, you know, everyone thinks they're such a good judge of character and we forget all the times where we've just been incredibly wrong about somebody. So I think it's dangerous. It's good to remember those moments where you were completely wrong where you thought someone was the love of your life and you couldn't have been more wrong. So that's the starting point.
If I was gonna put us as two types, I would say I'm more cautious and you are slightly more passionate. And you know, I have live on your.
I have been known to fall in love with someone who's getting their coffee.
No, I think I have seen that before.
I will say you're saying that I see someone in a coffee shop and immediately think that's the love of my life.
Right? Well, you, I guess you, you enjoy story a bit more in that way. And I can be a little more guarded and cautious sometimes to a fault.
Like, I'm sort of a. I'm sort of a romantic type, sort of almost a prince. I don't know if you're saying this, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I'm almost.
Please don't.
Charming. I'm like a sort of Prince Charming sort of figure. And you're like a sort of disillusioned sort of. Sort of embittered, curmudgeonly old wretch.
Right. I. I suppose I wouldn't put it like that if pressed.
Right. Okay.
But, you know, so it's hard, isn't it, because you. You get too cautious and you are then not open to things. And I don't think I've fallen into that trap. I think I have been open many times to falling in love in my life, but it's. You don't want to keep going through again and again and falling in love with a new person each time.
But here, one. Here's one of the secrets have other things going on that are exciting because what she's saying is she gets four dates in before she allows herself to have any feelings. Look, you can have. You can allow yourself to get excited. Just get excited about how fun it is in the moment. Don't. Don't over excite yourself about what it could be, because it might be that it might not. But guess what? There'll always be something else. And even if there's not someone else, which there will be, but even if there wasn't someone else, there's something else in your life that brings you joy right now.
Yeah.
And by the way, if there's not, that's your problem. Not this guy not turning out to be the right person. If you haven't got other things that are exciting you right now, that's a much bigger problem, and that's the one you should be trying to solve.
And that.
Because I Honestly, Steve, I don't care if the. If the. If any one thing we're doing fails. I truly, it does not matter to me because we've got so many other things going on. I. People, you know, when we come to a team call and I'm like, oh, by the way, there's this. I'll say in the middle of a team call. Oh, there's this TV show we might be doing next month. Oh, there's a. There's a new series they might be having me host or whatever. And everyone's like, how are you? Just Telling us this, like, how do we just find out about this? But it's because I don't care. Yeah, it's because I'm like, there's. There's 10 other things I'm excited about this week. It will happen or it won't. That's all right. That's how life should be.
I think sometimes of that Churchill quote, the success is all about going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. And there is something to that. In the early stages of dating, not, you know, you don't want to keep failing at every relationship, but there is that thing of sometimes just letting a disappointment bounce off you and still enthusiastically rolling on to the next one. And again, like you say, if you've got a lot going on, it's much easier to keep that enthusiasm up. But it kind of. The success takes care of itself a bit. If you, you know, if those disappointments don't just knock you on your ass and then you're stuck for, like, weeks, but you keep moving, it often just becomes a process of time.
I agree. I agree. Just keep going and keep going, even when you lose a little enthusiasm, because just. That's how you want to live. You want to live as someone who lives a rich life, and you don't want to decide not to have a rich life in the second half of it simply because you had a few failures in the first half of it. What sort of way is that to just eke out the remainder of your time? Well, it didn't go very well the first half, so I'll just keep quiet the second half. Is that really how you want to live your life? You don't have to be excited or enthusiastic all the time about your losses, but, you know, just decide. I want to be the kind of person that lives a full life, even if it means going on bad dates or whatever. At least I'm out there and having experiences in life. I'd rather do that than do nothing at all. Steve, how long have we been going for? It better not been longer than 15 minutes.
We've hit time, so I'm gonna have to wrap this up, or that's.
No. How long.
We're about three or four minutes over time right then. And there's a big noisy truck going by right now, so that's good for the audio, isn't it?
I'm. You've done. You've done a classic male thing there, Steve. Can I just say, I said, how long? And you said, it's about time, knowing you'd gone three or Four minutes over what we said we were going to do.
Right?
Just keeping intentionally vague about it.
And do I do a male thing now and not apologize? Is that. Is that a male thing or you just. I'm sorry. All right, I'm sorry.
Feel free to gaslight the out of me, Steve.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got annoyed so.
Well, look, we're trying to. I'm not. And by the way, before you all start sticking up for Stephen, I'm not having a go at Steve. I just. I'm trying to keep these to a length where you'll be able to listen to them on either, you know, a short breakfast or a lengthy toilet run.
Speak for yourself.
Well, thanks, Steve. Is there anywhere people should go or should they do something?
We've got a virtual retreat coming up. It's coming up real soon. So if you want to not worry about disappointments, be able to have your confidence at an all time high so that you can just boulder through that shit. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com and join us for our virtual retreat.
Guys, please come. Three days. Three days where we're going to be working with you in every part of your life. And Steve, I'm doing great.
You are doing great.
I'm like, I'm up at 5am every morning right now, training hard. I'm working hard. I'm real focused. The quality creative work I'm doing, I think is some of the best I've ever done. Like, I'm really on form and that's like, I'm. I'm just. I'm living our message and I'm really happy about that and I'm very pumped for this, for this virtual retreat. It's only the second one we've done. The first one was a big hit and I'm on fire on this one that I wasn't even on on the first one. And the first one was great. So when is it? March 18th to the 21st. No, the 19th to the 21st.
That's right.
Go to mhvirtualretreat.com all right, that's it. And listen to us for more than 15 minutes.
Don't worry, they'll be loving this. Thanks, my little pickles. Peaches, Puddings and pears. That is all from us today. Thank you so much.
No, that is not your sign off. You don't do that every time, do you?
Not every time. I change it up.
Peaches Puddings and Pears isn't your regular sign off.
Peaches, Puddings pickles, and pears, and I mix it up, you know, so it.
So you mix it up, but you remember exactly what it is.
That's one I do. Occasionally.
Right. Okay, it sounds more than occasional. If. Right. If on any of the other podcasts, Stephen says peaches, puddings, pickles and pears, I want you to DM me so that I know.
Okay?
If any of you hear that, you DM me. We'll see you soon, guys. Thank you, Stephen.
