Matthew AI tells women who've given up on relationships that resignation wastes their potential. He argues that shifting from searching for a life partner to savoring immediate moments—a smile, coffee, travel—lets trust and openness grow without losing yourself, even after past hurt.
Chapters
I'm often getting emails or phone calls from women who say to me some variation on the idea that I'm done with men or I'm done with relationships. I'm just gonna be alone. I'm gonna be single. I'm gonna be the way I am forever now. And I find it really sad because there is so much potential out there for the people that say this. And when they say it, it's like just handing over your potential and saying, okay, I'm done now. I'm never going to be what I really can be. People don't see this as an area that is about potential, but I do not. Because you should value yourself based on a relationship you get or based on a guy that you're with, but because there is so much potential to grow by the people that we allow ourselves to be around, by the relationships that we get involved in. There's so much opportunity to find out more about who we are, find out more about people in general and human nature. There's so much ability to share experiences in the world with someone in a way that's really magical because you can't experience quite the same thing on your own. And really the potential to discover life in new ways and even to grow through the pain of relationships. To me, relationships are potential. Whether they go right or wrong. Relationships mean potential. And I think it's so sad the way that people just give up on it because they've had some experiences that haven't worked out right now. I get it. I know that. Especially for people who are slightly older and they've been through experiences their whole life. And the men that they've been with have taught them that men are a certain way. You know, many women have generalizations that they make about men that for them aren't generalizations, they're true. Men are liars. Men are cheaters. Men are. Men will lead you down the garden path thinking everything's okay, and then they'll just leave you. Men can't be trusted. There are all these ideas about men, and as I said, for these women, they're not generalizations because every guy that they've been with has followed that pattern. They haven't been with a guy that's different to that. And so very often people get to a point where they say, I'm done. That's it. I got nothing left. I can't go through this same cycle again. And that really where I think is where the growth is and where things get more exciting. We don't have to go through the Same cycle again that we've been through. We could go through a different cycle, but that different cycle requires us to be in a different mindset or it requires us to go in it with a different approach. It requires us to try something new or take a risk that we haven't taken before. Some women get into a situation where they say, why I never trust men. The men I'm with can't be trusted, and maybe it's time to begin a new cycle. Whether that cycle is I'm going to start trusting more, whether it means I'm going to start giving people more space, because I know, because I don't trust people. I'm always getting so close to them that I strangle them. And I find ways always to create a situation I'm afraid of because I'm always putting it on their radar. I'm always telling them how jealous I am or how annoyed I am that they didn't call me or that they didn't do something. Instead, I'm going to give someone space and practice that maybe it's going to result in the same thing, but it doesn't matter. At least you'll have been more of who you wanted to be. I'm a big believer that in relationships we get a chance to be the person we want to be. And that, to me, is where the real experience lies. It's not that every time it's going to go right. Because, by the way, sometimes you'll do everything right and someone will still do you wrong and someone will still cheat on you. They'll lie to you. They'll do something that upsets you. That can happen in any relationship, even when you do things right. And one of the most. For me, one of the most tragic things in relationships is when a woman does everything right and the guy wrongs her and she takes it as a message to say, I'm not doing this again because I can't get it right. I don't know what to do next. I gave it my all and it didn't work out. My all isn't enough. That's not true. Your all wasn't right for that scenario. It could be perfect for another scenario. So we have to have it in our minds that, what's the big picture here? What's the big goal? Because if the goal is to get it right every time, that's a problem. That means, by the way, if your goal is to get it right every time you're going to give up, you're going to say, enough is enough. I can't do this because you'll never win. You'll never win. The goal has to be, okay, firstly, I'm going to be the person I want to be in this world. Now, if that involves a certain level of warmth, generosity, affection, being flirtatious, giving intimacy, then I'm going to allow myself to express those things. And if someone doesn't want to take them the right way or they want to betray me with those things, that's fine. There's always the possibility of that. But you move on in the same way you do with a business deal. You know, sometimes you trust someone in a partnership or as an employee, and when they wrong you and you've given them that trust, you get rid of them. You move on. You go on to the next deal. You don't decide you're never going to do a business deal again because business deals can go wrong. You have to get in there because you have to survive and make money and thrive. It's the same way in relationships. You start by being who you want to be, and then you filter out the people who don't accept that or aren't happy enough with that. The other thing is this. Instead of making relationships this big goal where we have to go into it thinking, this is going to be my life partner, this be the person I marry, this be the person I have family with, instead of going into it like that, what we have to do is chunk down. I believe that those things are the byproduct of incredible moments with someone. You know, getting married is the byproduct of incredible moments with someone that lead two people to that place where they want to get married. Having kids is the byproduct of magic moments with someone. Not all the time, but when they want them. Magic moments with someone where you go down this path of I want to be intimate with you, I want to be close to you, I want to build something with you. You feel that shared intimacy that makes you want something more that's greater than the two of you. Those come from moments. And so I believe that we have to look to achieve moments and not these grand visions, because the grand vision is just a byproduct. What are the moments that are going to create that? And let me tell you, they're moments of shared connection. They're moments where you're with someone. Let me give you an example. Let's say you decide to go traveling alone. That's something a lot of people do, right? I don't want to go traveling with anyone. I'm going to go traveling alone. I'm going to have my own adventure. Kind of a nice analogy for life. So you go on your own adventure and you go traveling and then you get there and maybe you did a gap year, like a year's break when you were young. And you start, you did that whole hostels thing where you traveled and you went around all different places. What often happens is you go, you go into this hostel alone, and that very same night you meet three new people and you spend the night with those people and you have a great time, and all of a sudden you have these new friends. One of the greatest things about traveling alone is the people you meet when you get there. So then you meet people and maybe they're good enough friends for one night. Maybe they become good enough friends that you actually want to go on to the next city with those people. Maybe when you go on to the next city, you have such a great time that it makes you want to go to another country or travel again with those people, or even make a lifelong friend out of them. The point is, even if you set out to go traveling alone, the best experiences are the ones that are shared, the ones that we have with people along the way. And if we take the pressure off of something, having to be this big vision of a life partner, instead think of chunking it down to what is the immediate moment I want to have with someone? What's the immediate thing I want to happen? I want to have a smile with someone. I want to have a great conversation over a coffee, I want to sit at a bar and meet someone and flirt and have fun. Or I want to share an experience with someone. You know, I want to go traveling and meet someone and have share this new place of the world with that person. It starts there and then we build on that. Okay, I've had one amazing moment with this person. What might the next one be? And you bring your all to the next moment as well, and that leads to another moment. It's a series of moments that lead to that ultimate place that deep down we might really want to go. And that's what makes it so exciting, is you really only need to focus on these moments. You don't need to focus on the big vision all the time. In fact, the big vision is the thing that creates overwhelm and makes us feel like a failure every time we have a false start. So look, if you're sitting there right now feeling like, I've given up, I'm at the end of my tether, I can't do this anymore. Don't even think about the big vision right now. Think about the moments right in front of you. I don't need you to suddenly think I'm going to go out and find my life partner. But I do need you to have the courage to. To say, I'm going to go and have a great moment. And I'm not going to deny myself that connection because one part of me feels like there isn't hope or this isn't going to go right. Instead, I'm going to put my. Not my hope, I'm just going to put my excitement and my energy into creating immediate moments in front of me that could turn into something really magical if I was open enough to let it. Thank you, my friends and I will see you soon. Two things before you go. One, we actually, the way we shot this, Jameson and I was. We didn't necessarily plan to, but it became a longer video and something that we didn't cut because we kind of liked it. We thought, okay, it was one long piece from start to finish and we want to go a little old school. We want to just do it the way we did in the old days and. And not cut it. Just put it out there as it is. Did you like it that way? Was it too long? Did you enjoy it because it was a little longer? Would you prefer the cuts? I'd be interested. We're always trying to create the best thing for you. I can't say that I'll always listen. Sometimes we just do things because we want to do them, but I would love your opinion. And secondly, I know that some of you were distracted by this little mark above my eye. I did not move out of the way of that punch in the ring. Don't be judging it. It's what it is.
