Don’t Fall Into Another Casual Situationship! Say THIS Instead…
Tanya Rad stopped having casual sex and now tells dates upfront. She describes the moment she realized unattached sex left her emotionally wrecked, and shares what happens when she sets the boundary: some men disappear, others respect it. She also broke her own rule once, which sparked a deeper conversation with her partner.
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There is this messaging, especially with women, of, you know, sow your oats and go do it and we can be like men too and, you know, get all the one-night stands out. And I'm like, I'm not that girl. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I'm not having sex outside of a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean boyfriend, girlfriend.
Hey, everybody, fun clip for you today from me and my friend Tanya Rad, who if you don't know her, she is the co-host of On Air with Ryan Seacrest. She is also the co-author of the new book, the Sunshine Mind, that was also authored by Raquel Stevens. She's a very special person to me. I've been friends with her for years. I knew her back when she was searching for love and now she's found love and her story is really compelling. You can listen to the full interview inside the Love Life Club. For those of you that are already members, in this clip that I'm gonna show you, she talks about intentionality in early dating. It is a very practical conversation that I had with Tanya and I think you're really going to enjoy it if you don't want to waste time in dating because you know what you want and you want to find somebody else who knows what they want too. Enjoy this clip and by the way, before you see it, if you have not signed up to watch Dating with Results yet, my free one hour training on finding you love this year, go check it out at datingwithresults.com because it is an amazing companion piece to this clip with Tanya Rad. Enjoy.
There is this messaging especially with women of, you know, sow your oats and go do it and we can be like men too and you know, get all the one night stands out and I'm like, I'm not that girl. I was just never wired that way. And if you are that girl, Good on you and I have mad respect, but that was never me. I could never have unattached sex. It just was not in the cards for me. I was always emotionally involved with every single person that I had ever slept with.
And so... And not every guy is like that either, by the way.
Seems like a lot more.
There's a decent number of guy friends that I have that are very emotional, that you know, when they start dating someone, they get emotionally wrapped up and it becomes about that person. I think there is this assumption that every guy is a so you Roats kind of person.
And I think that I dated the majority of the other so you Roats guys.
Yeah, but no, I think there's more than perhaps people know a kind of guy that feels that same way, that it just doesn't feel right to them to sleep around.
Yeah, so I think when I had that aha moment, it was really this aha moment. And I was like, why? I'm doing this to myself. I'm in control. This is my body. This is my life. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I'm not having sex outside of a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean boyfriend, girlfriend. Like this person is committed to me. And so, you know, that really weeds them out real quick.
So just walk me through, all right, practically, like the same way you did with the meeting people part. Like what does this look like to have as a standard for yourself in a way that doesn't rob you of your warmth, the same flirtatiousness that you're so good at, the kind of part of you that is enjoying dating and being sexual, how did those things coexist with this standard practically when it comes down to it?
So I'll give you an example of someone that it obviously was a turn off for and then someone that didn't care or like was, you know, didn't care. So the one that was turned off. So I remember I met this guy at a restaurant, gave him my number, at like happy hour or whatever. And he asked if you could take me out on a date. And I said sure, I gave him my number there at the restaurant. And we were supposed to go out, this was like a Monday, Tuesday we were supposed to go out that weekend. And he called me just to like chat. And I was like oh my gosh, nobody does this anymore. And so I thought it was like really cool. So we're chatting and he made like a sex joke. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like some sort of sex joke. Not like crude or anything like that. And I said, oh, huh. And then that was my way in. I just laid it on. I was like, oh, well, I don't have sex outside of the committed relationship. And he goes, Neither do I. And I was like, oh, that's so cool. But I got player vibes from him. I kind of got the vibe that he was just doing what he was doing a lot. And so I was like, oh, wow, you don't either. That's so cool. And whatever. So we finished our chat that night. never asked me out again. Like never actually even went out on the date with me. Because I think he was like, I'm not gonna get what I want and just didn't follow up, which is fine.
At least it's not someone wasting your time, right? Or pretending to be, well he pretended to be something else for five minutes.
The funny thing is though is that he's actually friendly, like in this circle network of my current boyfriend. And so I see him around and I'm just like, that's so good. Because I know that he is I was like the player, you know, that I was totally being bamboozled. So that was really funny. And I was never really shy about expressing that was something that was important to me. And that's actually something that a lot of women have reached out to me since I've been sharing all that, that have reached out to me saying that they started doing that too because they realized themselves that they were in this perpetual pattern of pain and they wanted to take their lives back into their hands and be in control. And so that's something that I think a lot of people have really especially resonated with my story.
How early would you say it? Like when would you feel, did you wait until, I mean in that case, you found your moment in him making a sexual joke. But in general, in the absence of that, would you say it at the point where things started to get a little more heated, or would you say it in casual conversation on a date?
On a date. I never said it. Anybody that I got heated with, knew going in where, yeah, I understood.
How did you get to that conversation on a date? Like what would be a way that you would find a way to insert it and how would you say it?
So great, it's like hard to remember exactly how things went down, but I remember I met this one guy, he was a guest on my podcast and so he didn't live in LA and so we kind of started talking and dating over FaceTime, which is weird because it was like pre-pandemic, you know, like nobody was really, you know, Zoom dating was not a thing. But we started FaceTiming a lot and getting to know each other conversations do go in that direction, I think in an easier way than you realize. But when I would talk about my story and my dating life, I would just say I made this decision to not have sex outside of a committed relationship. And some guys would say, well, then I gotta wipe you up tomorrow. Or they would make a joke about it. I had a couple guys that were really, it was not even a thing. It was like, cool.
Were there any in the moment you could visibly see, like he no longer wanted to be there?
Yes, yeah. There was one guy I remember that I dated and his nickname was Big D, 'cause he like, word on the street is he had a Big D. Right. Yeah. And so... Literal right from the start. Yes. Yeah. He didn't take it so well. Not so well.
Like again, I never... Big D's not used to that.
Big D is not used to that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted the, that's not his speed.
Yeah, it was not his speed. But again, I never was, I was never treated in a way that made me feel small or made me, I was very, I don't know what the word is, I was very assured and confident in the decision that I had made. So whatever reaction I got, I was totally fine with. Yeah. Yeah. But it was hard. Some guys, obviously they knew, especially even with my, My current boyfriend, he was really loved it. Like he really admired that about me. He didn't pressure me in any way. But when you really start to date someone, you get physical, you know, and there's ways to be physical without having sex.
So for you sex meant not then feel free to take a little turn. But for you sex meant penetration. Right. And other things were game.
Yes.
But it was like, that's not a place I go unless we're in a relationship.
Yes.
How did you Kind of make that, I mean, it sounds like an obvious question, but at what point, like, say with Robbie, did you realize or he realized, it's cool now 'cause we're in a relationship. Did you have that conversation at all?
No, it's interesting because I remember we did it before we were in a committed relationship. And that was really hard on me. And it wasn't, again, it was just in the heat of the moment, you know? And like I knew, I think really early on with him specifically, he was it for me. And so I just let myself kind of feel safe in that space. And it was something that he didn't take lightly either. He never wanted to go there. And it was me. It was all me that went there.
I was gonna say, how do you feel? Because that, like, I had decided on him and I felt safe in that space.
Yeah.
From the outside, that sounds like a really dangerous logic.
Yeah.
Because it's the kind of logic that people use to sort of make their mind up about someone before that person is actually invested in them.
Yeah.
At the level that they want to be.
It was actually really, it kind of brought us closer because we were able to have that, like, serious conversation right after about it. And I said, I feel like I let myself down. I made this promise to myself, and I feel like I let myself down. I don't regret it. I'm really happy, and I'm really happy with where everything's going, but I don't want to do this anymore until we're in a committed relationship. And he was like really respectful.
That's beautiful. How long was it between that moment and being in a relationship?
Probably a month. Probably a month.
And in that time you were like solid in terms of not gonna go back to that place.
Yeah.
But I think even the way that there's nuance even in the way that you approached that, right? Because I would argue not that you were ever doing it as a tactic.
It was always just a standard that you had.
But I would argue that in that relationship, it served its purpose because you had, he was already very aware of the fact that this meant something to you.
Right.
And that you weren't up for a situation where it meant nothing.
Right.
So when you did do it, it didn't take away from the fact that he realized that that was a significant thing for you.
Yeah.
So regardless of whether you internally felt like you let yourself down, message received, this was important to you and we just did it.
Right.
And then afterwards, what I really love about what you said is that I don't, I'm happy, I don't regret it. You know, I had an amazing time, whatever. I just feel like I let myself down on the standard I have. I think that's actually a beautiful.
I.
Would call it a unique pairing.
Yeah.
To say I both am not, you know, I feel you know, I feel something that I don't want to feel about how I let myself down, but I also feel like, you know, I don't want you to think I'm not kind of, in a way, owning the experience.
Right?
Yeah.
It's really interesting when we make these promises to ourselves, you know, like, we're not. We're all imperfect human beings, and I think that we're gonna mess up, you know? And I think when you make these promises to yourself, it's okay that you're gonna go through life and things are gonna shift and things are gonna happen. And I think I let myself. feel that, you know, like, okay, I felt like I disappointed myself, but it's okay, and I'm gonna move forward, and I still feel really strongly about you. I don't regret my decision.
Now that you've seen Tanya, isn't the book the Sunshine Mind just the perfect title for her book? If you haven't already, go and grab a copy of this book. I know you'll enjoy it if you enjoyed her approach to love, because this is her approach to life. So check this out. You can order a copy on Amazon right now. and like I said before, if you haven't already, go to datingwithresults.com to get the one hour free training that I've put together for you that can help you find love this year. You don't need to run headfirst into the same mistakes that everyone else is making when they're looking for love, whether it's burning out on dating apps, being on dates that never materialize into relationships, or just getting stuck in casual hookup mode. This is to help put you on track in your love life so that you feel in control again. Go to datingwithresults.com to sign up now and I will see you in the next video.
