Don’t Feel Attractive Enough for Modern Dating? Do THIS

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If you struggle with negative self talk, insecurity, never feeling good enough, constant fear of rejection. This video is for you. It is all about rebuilding your confidence, whether you've lost it because of something that's happened or you feel like you've never really had it. So enjoy and leave me a comment letting me know one insight that helped you find from this video. So let's talk about confidence. We have we put up a poll on Instagram, a question asking what was the most impactful way a lack of confidence has held people back in their lives? And I think it's going to be fascinating to get the answers. But we're also going to talk about some of the content that we have developed over the years that could be relevant to some of these areas where people feel like a lack of confidence has held them back. But before I get into this, ask yourself this question right now as a listener. Where has a lack of confidence held you back in your life? Either over the course of your life or very recently? Where do you feel you you've held yourself back this year already. What do you feel is not where it should be? What risks have you not taken? Maybe certain risks you said you would take back on January 1st. Things you said you would do more of ways you said you'd get out of your shell, out of your comfort zone and do more, live more, experience more people, talk to more strangers, apply for a position that you didn't apply for before, try to learn a new skill. Where did you say you were going to level up this year? That if you're honest with yourself, you haven't taken action? How has a lack of confidence held you back? I want you to think about your answer in your mind right now. And I also want you to hear that you're in great company because we had hundreds and hundreds of comments from people who are all in the same boat. So, Audrey, share with us some of the answers that we got.

I'm gonna start things off with somebody who said that one of the things that where confidence has held her back is thinking that her appearance is the reason why she can't seem to succeed when dating. And this is interesting for many reasons, but I think I kind of want to speak to that and speak to people who don't necessarily feel like their looks is, is their asset and the thing that they, the sword they get to, to wield in order to get attention and get validation from people. And I want to speak about that really, because I think that's, that's definitely very common Thing that kept coming up.

Yeah, I'd love to hear from you guys first. What do you think about that? If you're someone who listens to this podcast, chances are confidence is something that you really want to work on. You're probably also working on your relationship with yourself. You probably also have emotional patterns that you want to improve on, like over obsessing, over analyzing, overthinking, anxiety, self doubt. These are all things that I work on for two days with people in my retreat, which is happening in October on the 18th and 19th. It's the only time it's happening this year. I don't want you to miss it, because if you miss it, you'll have to wait a whole other year to come to this event. And if you're listening to this, going, I can't travel to be with you in Miami for this event. Matthew, you. You don't have to. I have created a virtual ticket that means you can do it from wherever you are in the world. And I'll even give you access to two weeks of the recordings so that if you can't watch it on the actual weekend itself, you still have two weeks to digest everything we do on that weekend. It is the most powerful thing I do. Not nearly enough of you have experienced it. And I wanted to make it so that every single one of you could experience the. The best program I have. Go to retreataccess.com, grab your ticket, and I will see you on October 18th.

I think with looks, it's. It's probably more common than ever for people to feel like their looks hold them back somehow because the standards just get higher and higher. And the feeling of wanting to be chosen from a big pool gets harder and harder because of dating apps, Instagram, all those things we know about. You feel like there are these kind of perfect physical specimens out there that, you know, are walking amongst us. And most people feel like on some level, whether it's height, whether it's your face shape, your bone structure, your weight, your shape, whatever it is, everyone has a thing where you think, oh, if I had that thing, if I fix that part of me, if I could have that, then I'd be okay. I do sort of think that game never, ever ends. I think with looks, looks matter in that you have to address them to the extent that you feel really good in your own skin, like you are making the best of what you have. And there is a kind of confidence that comes with that. Dressing better makes you feel more confident.

You.

You go on a date after having Being all sweaty and in sloppy clothes after a workout, you're going to feel like you're not at your best. You're going to feel less attractive. If you go after having a haircut, shower, looking good, wearing the right clothes that fit you, you are going to feel a lot better. And so it's there, it matters, it's a thing. But I do think, I think people don't realize how many of us have something like that, where they think. I hope they don't notice that part. I hope they don't. That isn't an issue for them or my height or whatever. I think everyone does have one of those. I don't. I think you, like, fix them as much as you can. It's a, it's a contradictory thing. It's a paradox. You fix them as much as you can and then you have to forget about them completely. It's like, do whatever you can with your looks and then just put it out like it's not, it's not important.

And never look in the mirror again.

Yeah.

And it is kind of like holding those two together. Because having loads of stock in your looks is also dangerous because you're always gonna, you're gonna get older, stuff's gonna change, circumstances change, and you go, oh, my God, I don't have my golden. My silver bullet was my looks, and now I don't have that. And you're gonna have to have something else. Something else that keeps people's interest, that compels them that, oh my God, you're so unique because of all these women ways you're exciting, these ways you're sexy, these ways you're interesting. Those are the, those are the long game things that matter. But, but yeah, it's, it's hard. It's hard when you feel like there's, there's something where you feel like, I can't compete on that level. I'm not going to be able to be that person.

Well, what's funny, when you, it feels like looks are the things that you have the least control over. Right. And like the way it affects your confidence, it's like, well, this is out of my control. Of course I'm going to be not confident about that. But even as you describe that, Steve, and you just think about how looks are inevitably going to go away, the one thing that's in your control and is actually always in your control, your whole life, is your acceptance of it, of where your position, where you're at. Like you, if you have a spectrum of acceptance and you can Just accept it now. Like, you can just save yourself so much. So many problems down the line. When I was growing up, like, so insecure about being pale. Like, summertime is coming. Oh, my God, I'm have to take my shirt off. I'm going to be pale. And then as you get older, you just, like, accept it more and more and more. I'm just like, why didn't I just accept it back then? Just would have been fine. It's still going to be there. It ain't going to change. But you have that acceptance spectrum available to you if you just. And let yourself accept it.

Yeah, that's interesting.

It's like when you see the dude. There are. There are guys who have okay bodies and are really insecure about them. And you'll see guys who, like, have a belly around the pool and they're really chill and charismatic and everyone's laughing around them and loving it. And you're like, how is that guy? How are they doing it? They don't. I thought if I had a six pack, everyone, I would be Mr. Charisma. And that guy doesn't have a six pack, but he's got everyone around him who everyone wants to party with him. And you do realize there's something else going on. It's not just like, if I'm ripped, then everyone comes running and everyone wants to be my friend and everyone thinks I'm sexy and charming.

Can I just say, when you said the guy with the belly around the pole, Audrey looked directly at me. Why did you do that?

I don't know.

Why did you laugh? Why did you laugh to yourself when Steve said the guy with the belly around the pole?

Well, recently you had a bit of a belly and you used to talk about it all the time. You don't anymore. Actually, he's been going to the gym every single morning.

Why do you think that is? Can I. We. We literally went to see the pigs in Hawaii. Not Hawaii. Where were we? The Bahamas. We went to see the pigs and Audrey was taking a picture and she said, oh, I'm so excited to get a picture of these two pigs. It was me. It was me and a pig.

No, I didn't say that.

What did you yell yesterday, Audrey? Matt was. You were going upstairs and you yelled something downstairs. What did you say? Matt was eating Y.

We all remember that. We won't say it out loud, but we all remember.

Oh, you do not want to play that game. You do not want to play that game.

Recently, Annique, who works with us too, she. We Said to her, she said, you're looking, you're looking good. Like because I've been going to the gym. And she goes, you were, you know, you were looking a bit, you know, like a sort of Christmas pudding for, you know, like. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, you know, for a little while. I was like, how long's a little while? She goes, you know, about like it was like a good 10 or 11 months. I was like, that's not even a Christmas pudding.

Yeah, that's just pudding at that point.

That's just pudding. It was really. And I was like, well, why don't you.

Yeah, I like it when people tell you after you fixed it as well.

Yeah, yeah. I wasn't getting those comments then. But anyway, I, we, we digress. One of the things that Audrey and I set as a kind of resolution this year was instead of traveling as much as we have been in recent years, we said we are gonna plant ourselves at home and really invest in where we are. We're not going to seek comfort elsewhere. We're going to build more comfort and more joy where we actually live. And there have been a couple of ways we've been doing that. Inside our home, specifically in our bedroom, we have sheets that we absolutely love these days from Cozy Earth. I love them because they keep me cool. They wick moisture, they are temperature regulating. They are super soft. I like reading at the end of the night. So reading in these sheets sparks joy for me. I look forward to it. And you of course have become a big fan of the Cozy Earth Bubble Cuddle blanket.

It's. It's so soft and I absolutely love it. And it's amazing quality, quality. So you can kind of just like get wrapped up in it and get cozy, which is perfect. Cuz I'm in my third trimester, which is, you know, that you want to be cozy and frumpy.

It's also been a very nice decoration for our bed. We really like the look of it. If you want to go and get these things for yourself and create more joy in your home and invest where you are, where you go to bed every single night of the year, go to cozyearth.com and you can get 20% off all, all of their products with our code Love Life, which you can put in at checkout, go check it out@cozyearth.com One of the hardest things about.

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When we become anxious about our looks and if you think about it, insecurity can, can quickly morph into an anxiety, right? The angs the anxious thought is I'm never going to find anyone because I'm not attractive enough physically. And that anxiety can be a kind of constant over the course of our lives and it's always looking for a new thing to attach itself to and it, it's worth paying attention to the new things that it likes to find, to attach itself to because they there will have been something in your life that you used to worry about physically that you stopped worrying about at some stage. And it's not because that thing went away, it's because your anxiety just latched onto a new thing and said that thing doesn't matter anymore. But this one, this is the reason you're never going to find love. And I can literally track through my life different things, different parts of my body, my face, my hair, my height, all different things that that anxiety latched itself onto at different times. I remember never told this story. I remember being in London with my dad one day and I remember seeing a doctor and I can't remember why I was seeing the doctor. The reason I was seeing the doctor was something like legitimate. But my dad was with me and he knew that I had been. It's funny you say the pale thing, Jameson, because he knew that one of the insecurities I'd brought to my dad, when I was little was that I was really veiny like that. My. If you looked at my stomach and my chest, I had, like, just, you could see veins. I was translucent. And I remember being at the doctors and my dad knew that I wanted to ask the doctor if there was, like, something I could do. And because I was insecure, because I thought I don't look good with the shirt off because of all my veins. And my dad sort of gave me a nudge and said, like, go on, you know, you can ask him. And I said to the doctor, why I have these veins, you know? And the doctor said, well, pull up your shirt. I pulled up my shirt and there was like all these blue veins everywhere. And he was like. I was like, is there. Is there, like, a way to, you know, do something about them? And he was like, well, you know, it's perfectly normal. And as you get older, you know, that will change. And, you know, they. They'll still show in some places, but you might find the ones that show now don't show as much. And. And I was like, okay. And I remember leaving that situation and it didn't. I didn't. It's not like I went away feeling super secure about it, but I've never, like, since then. I don't know what year I stopped thinking about the veins on my body, but it has never featured in my life since. But it. That same thing that went to the veins went to something else when something else was available. And it's always looked for something else when something else is available. And as we get older, it looks for a new thing again. And suddenly a new mole will appear somewhere or a new thing will get added to your face that you never saw coming or your body or whatever, and that will latch onto that. So it's worth noting that I think, Stephen, your advice was really good. I think that idea that you should do your best with what you have and then move on, stop looking in the mirror after that. I think the advice to find role models is really good advice. Find people who have fit your profile and they're doing just fine. You know, they found love or they're happy or they're not focused on it, or they're confident or they're, you know, super attractive in spite of that and. Or with that, we would be a better way of saying it, you know, that find those people because role models really help rob us of our excuses. And then lastly, I would just add number three. Know that the anxious thinking around looks, even if you solved one thing would start looking for something else. And that's, you know, I mean, that's the story of anyone who goes too far with cosmetic treatments, isn't it? That you think by fixing this one thing, you're gonna suddenly have arrived somewhere and never need to fix anything else again. And then you look for something else and something else and something else, because that's what that anxiety does to us.

But what if you feel like even though you become more accepting of yourself and you do the best you can, as you say, and then you don't look in the mirror, you still don't get any attention? Because I know that's a lot of people. We get a lot of people reaching out to us saying that that's their experience of dating.

I'm a, I'm a big believer in firstly, the role models thing still comes in really handy there because you may be getting less attention than other people, but there's someone who is in the same boat as you. And they figured it out. They either figured out how to be happy and not let that stuff get to them, they figured out how to accept themselves, they figured out how to. How to find love. They figured out how to go and really connect with people. And those people are. It's really worth. Like, those are your people. Get curious about people like that because you have a lot to learn from someone like that. That's. I can tell you now, if I found myself in a wheelchair tomorrow, I would immediately seek out people who had conquered that. I would immediately seek out who has. You know, in this time when I am now going to naturally, reflexively tell myself I am so limited, who here is. Is in the same boat and is living more than I was living when I wasn't in a wheelchair. I would fight. I would seek out people like that because I'd know those are my people. That's. These people have achieved a Jedi like status with this thing that I need to understand and learn and that there's nothing about that that is patronizing Pollyanna style response to everyone's beautiful on the inside. No, no, no. Some people get more attention than others. If you're a person who doesn't get a lot of attention for your looks, seek out role models who are in the same boat and yet getting a different result or experiencing a different quality of life or a different quality of emotions, and then become obsessed with their mindset, become obsessed with how they see their looks, become obsessed with how they see their life, how they see their appeal, how they see their value. Very, very, very important don't forget to get your virtual retreat Ticket@retreat access.com Do not delay your changes that you want to make in your life another year. Life is too short and if you enjoyed this video on confidence, you'll really enjoy this one next. So go check it out.