Fantasizing About "Changing A Man"?
Matthew and Steve break down Netflix's Sex Life to examine why people fantasize about changing damaged partners. Matthew, a coach for 15 years, argues the "one-day wager"—betting your life on healing someone else's trauma—is dangerous and a waste of time. The show's appeal relies on the bad-boy fantasy, but real trauma requires the person to own it themselves.
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Your life is precious and you can't stake your life on the changing of somebody else's trauma because you never know what stage someone is in at dealing with their trauma. Let's start with your. Your comment here on the. The show Sex Life, which, you know, we, we talked about. I had a bit of banter about it. I had never seen it, so I was one of those annoying people that was talking about something they'd never actually seen. What are your thoughts? You've watched three episodes now. Tell us.
Well, tell me what this review says because I want to see if I agree with the tone of it.
I'll read you a little bit of it, but it's quite interesting, so. Hi, Matt. Hey. Here I am, Matthew, interrupting my own video. It's better than an advertisement for Dove. Instead, I've got something that could actually change your life, not just make you smell better. It's a virtual retreat. It's a three day immersive coaching program that I take people through personally. Live wherever you are in the world, you can do it from the comfort of your own home. But it's a program that I've been running for over 15 years now and it's one that can radically transform your relationship with your emotions, your confidence, your self love and your direction in life. To find out more, just go to mhvirtualretreat.com and now back to me. I highly recommend you watching the movie. It's not pornography. It's Now, Steve. It's not a movie, is it? It's a show.
It's a show.
It's a show. So now I'm questioning whether she's actually watched it. She had security and stability with her husband, despite the fact that he was looking physically amazing with a six pack and everything and he looked like he had it all together. But she felt unwanted because he put her last on his priority list behind his career and their kids. Now this much I got from the trailer, Steve. He had no time for her. Their relationship lacked chemistry, big time connection and compatibility. Yeah, well, those are some of the problems, isn't it, when we. When we choose a certain look and a certain set of criteria that we see on paper without looking for the deeper stuff. Her ex lover was an Aussie man, not a Brit. So there. I got that wrong.
I was going to correct that immediately. Actually, you're both wrong. I think he's a Kiwi. He mentions being a Kiwi. So he's from New Zealand.
Fair enough. Charismatic and magnetic. Who knew how to make her feel Wanted and desired. So hot. They had undeniable chemistry and compatibility together and their connection was off the charts. So Stephen, now that sounds like the beginning of any heartbreak story when I, when I hear that. Because I know that there's a but coming. And guess what, Steve, there is. But he had unhealed childhood trauma regarding his father because his father left him and his mum when he was a kid. She kept pushing him to solve it. There's the problem in it. But he was in blaming and victim mentality. You know, men don't like to be told what to do. Although she was in her Psychology PhD program, meaning she knew a lot about human behavior. By the way, this. Is this all I'm not now, I'm not slagging it off because I haven't seen it, but I'm just talking about what I'm hearing in this review. This all sounds like a caricatured version of every situation. How every woman feels like I, you know, I'm psychologically evolved, that I emotionally understand people on a level that this buffoon, this lovable sexy buffoon in front of me doesn't. And I know what's best for him better than he does. The most of the women we talk to don't have psychology PhDs. Some of them do, however, most of them don't. But they still have that feeling like I've done some sort of life psychology Ph.D. and I know better than this idiot who turns me on. So she knew a lot about human behavior after he resolved his trauma issues with his father, which by the way, he had a totally wrong perspective about his father all those years. The Aussie guy wanted her back but was too late because after she got tired of his roller coaster emotional behavior, she decided to marry this good looking wealthy guy to have a stable life and kids like most women want. Well, I think we're learning that. Well, we're not learning, Steve. I mean we bloody well know it's not. The only thing most people want is a good looking wealthy guy to have a stable life and kids. It definitely isn't the only thing someone wants. Yeah, I want a little bit more. Her husband wanted to know what she saw in her ex lover that he didn't have.
Yeah, so he starts following the guy.
Oh, he starts following the guy. Okay, so then. But it wasn't the size of his penis like most men think. But just for the record, I never thought it was about the size of the other bloke's penis.
Matt. It was Matt. It was. They show it in episode Three. It was absurd.
No, I know. I'm just saying, like, I put that down to just. There's a writer in the writers room at the production company who's just thinking, this is gonna get us publicity for the show.
Yeah.
So I'm not. I don't think that this really, like the. What lured her back was just a huge penis.
No.
But it wasn't the size of a penis like most men think. I don't even think most men think that. But let's keep going. It was about connection and compatibility. Don't. They didn't sound like it was about compatibility. When it's about insecurities, men think immediately about the size of their penis. I don't know if that's true. I don't. I think we think about the fact. I think we think about everything. I'm not. I haven't got any money. I'm not funny.
Yeah.
Other blokes are funnier than I am. They're more interesting than I am. They're more intelligent than I am.
Yeah. They're taller. They're more famous. They're whatever.
And he's probably got a bigger penis. Women think about size of their breasts. Her words, not mine. But it's not about body parts size. It's about connection. No matter how much she tried to connect with her husband, it didn't work. We cannot force connection, period. I urge you to watch the movie. I think it's a TV show. It's going to change your perspective about women's desire and what matters to us most. When young, we seek adventure and excitement. When more mature, we seek safety, stability, love, and peace. So that was from Abundance angel, which, by the way, thank you. Thank you for. Thank you for laying it out. Thank you for your commentary on the episode. We're really happy that you decided to write in. We appreciate it. Steven, what do you think?
Well, it's good. It's. That's a nice framing of. Of the dilemma of the show. And. And I can't tell what side abundance is on there. I guess she's sort of saying she empathizes with the main character, Billy, who decides to go on this dalliance from her husband. Now, I've only seen three episodes, so I'm not going to review the whole show. Let's get it out the way. There is some. This. This show ticks every cliche box you could imagine of fantasy, you know, fantasy love triangle geared towards women. It's trying to frame up the. Oh, there's two extremely gorgeous men on the table. And just so the comparison between them doesn't get too difficult, they're both obscenely rich and successful, so we don't want them to be like. We don't like women watching it going, well, her husband's really successful, so she should just be with him because he's got this beautiful. Yeah, yeah.
You want to make it a level playing field financially so that it's not like he's just the loser with the giant.
Right. The. The bad. The bad boy, Ozzy, who's already really handsome anyway. But they're saying they can't. They can't go, well, he's a bad boy, but he's down and out. It's like, no, he's a bad boy. He's also, Matt, an important enough record producer to get on the COVID of Rolling Stone.
So.
A record producer on the COVID of Rolling Stone. So he's really up there, you know, he's like a Scooter Braun or something.
And so it's sort of like twice. It's sort of like Twilight where Bella is both with the hottest vampire and the hottest werewolf.
Right.
And it's like, what, like she's the only one in the world who's dating these two supernatural freaks.
Right, Exactly.
She can't even share them around.
And her husband's like this super successful finance guy, but he's not just soulless in finance, Matt. He runs impact investing funds because he could have presumably have multiple millions at JP Morgan, I think it's mentioned, but he basically turned it down to do. Still highly lucrative given their house, but much more ethical impact investing to invest in. Good. You know, good.
Well, we don't know what. We don't know what sort of size mortgage they had.
No, no, there's lots of problems in the show. There is some extremely unsubtle voiceover narration that literally tells you every thought the character has while we're already seeing it on the screen. So it's completely unnecessary. And, you know, it's like, oh, breast pumping is really frustrating. Well, we can see that because you look miserable while you're wearing a breast pump. And, you know, and they get her to do the exact voiceover. It's really, really unusual because the voiceover sounds exactly like the voiceover in Gone Girl and they clearly watch that and.
You know how much that annoyed me, Steve? I found that I. I enjoyed Gone Girl as a movie, but I just found the voiceover incredibly affected.
Right, right. And Gone Girl. Yeah, Gone Girl's great, but yeah, that. That part is like the. The kind of part that you really notice. And they have almost do an impression of the same voice. So that's off putting. But yeah, basically I've seen a lot of women criticizing the part of the show of her decisions. And some people have said, oh, this is a great sort of, you know, it's not a. I don't think it's a great show. I mean, let me just get that out there. It's silly, the writing is cliched, etc. But I think some people are saying, well, it's good we're seeing for once like a woman having to deal with the decision of cheating. And it's not just like Mad Men and it's not just like Don Draper is cheating on his wife and we're all kind of, oh, God, he's so broken inside. You know, it's the woman doing it now. So I get that. But obviously now a lot of people are judging. Well, you know, is, do I feel like I empathize with this character. And the only thing is the husband tries really hard actually. As soon as she, I mean, he, he is handsome and seems like a lovely guy. There's not a catch there. He's like this good hearted guy. He's. He's not, he's not some wimp. He's like a strong guy, successful, everyone loves him. And when she, when he reads her diary and sees she's been writing about old Kiwi fella that she loved before and she's saying, oh, I'm fantasizing about him so much because bloody kids is annoying and, you know, not as fun. Not as fun. Like she had a bit of a wild life before, which we already knew.
About because she's narrated it.
Yeah. And her husband knows nothing about any of her wild past. And that's part of the thing. He's not been in on that at all. But she has said, oh, the sex with him was, was great when we first got together so the husband can have great sex. And then like the first time he's watching the game, he's a bit like busy. But then they do when he reads the diary and goes, oh my God, she's been fantasizing about another man. He immediately starts to like, do some wild for her, to like take her to like sneak into this rich guy's pool and they like have a, have a fun night there, doing like crazy stuff, getting in trouble.
Which is a weird thing to do when you're a rich guy with a pool.
I know. And they drive it away from the police and everything. And with just a towel around them. So she's had a mental wild night like the old days. And he's done that just because he's read her diary about some other guy.
Which is probably, by the way, about the best response you could possibly hope for from someone reading that.
Right. And. And so I'm not saying the life with him is obviously what. What she. She's obviously feeling unsatisfied, but it's like, well, this guy started trying quite quickly and clearly wants to fix this issue. They never have a conversation where she goes, So I have been feeling sexually unfulfilled. Can we, you know, talk about that a bit? It's just. Oh, he did try. We sort of had a good. We had a really good night. But I still feel it didn't really quite make me feel so satisfied. But, yeah. So I think a lot of people are judging. Well, like, was there enough to sort of drive her to another guy? But maybe we're just seeing a flawed character and she's just not making great decisions a la Don Draper. We don't defend everything Don Draper does. Maybe she's just making silly decisions and it's all going to end, going, oh, what a crazy path I took that time when my marriage was in a crisis. Or maybe there's a deeper cultural critique, Matt, that is saying maybe the very deep, you know. You know, I like to look for underlying messages in things. The secret message, the Straussian message, and maybe the Straussian message here is marriage doesn't work for everyone. And maybe this woman was societally geared to. To lean towards getting married eventually, and it was never. Maybe it's not for everyone. And this show's going, look, she wants to be with the bad boy, with the toxic, you know, family relationship, and she wants to have all sorts of fun, and a stable marriage is never going to be satisfying. I don't know, Matt. Maybe it's criticizing marriage as a whole. The only thing is, the bad boy has a lot of. I mean, he does have toxic traits, and I get. I get that he's working on them, but she has a bad interaction with his family, and he immediately is like to her, like, go, get out. I don't want to talk to you. Like, you've seen the real me and my fat. My crappy stepdad. Like, he's basically saying to her, like, get the hell out of here.
Right?
And, you know, I mean, that's not a great start, is it?
Well, I just think that we. We glorify this idea of changing the guy who's got trauma and, and that. I don't think that needs any more glorification. You know, it's not, that's not. Listen, Steve, I, I'm in the weird position of having coached most type. You know, I've coached both genders over 15 years longer than that now, if you count both genders. I've, I've worked with everybody and I have empathy across the board. You know, one of the things that I've been criticized for in the past is having too much empathy for guys. And you know, oh, why you, you know, why don't you just tell women to do this when a guy like that shows up and so on. But it's because I have a kind of 360 degree empathy. I like, I love people. Don't always like them. I love them and. But when a guy has trauma, your life is precious. And you can't stake your life on the changing of somebody else's trauma because you never know what stage someone is in at dealing with their trauma. You know, they could be at an attention seeking phase with their trauma. They could be an excuse making phase with their trauma where they're saying they're using their trauma right now and have done with the last 10 women. They're using their trauma as an excuse to do the behaviors that they enjoy doing or that are fun or comfortable. Or maybe they learned one day that when they brought up their trauma, women gave them sympathy and so they kept every, every new situation they were in, they realized, ah, trauma is my, my free pass. When I mention my trauma and my parents and whatever. Women go from being angry at me for stuff I've done to being sympathetic. I had no idea. And now they start showing up for me differently. So what's easier, you know, owning my stuff or, or telling people my trauma. And it's not. There's no problem. There's nothing wrong with revealing parts of yourself and your traumas to people, but that has to be you revealing them from a place of ownership. And this is something I'm working on, not I have all of this stuff and I know it's making your life a misery, but that's my stuff. And you can't, you know, I'm. That 50 Shades to me kind of did the same thing. It's like we're glorifying someone sticking on the journey of someone who has massive trauma and makes their life miserable in the meantime, on the idea, we call it the one day wager, Steve. The idea that one day somebody is gonna change if I just Give them enough love. If I just give them enough support, if I just give enough of my life to this person, they'll change. But the relationship you have with someone is the relationship you have right now. It's not. It's not the relationship you will one day have. It's the one you have now. And, you know, it's. It's interesting because that. That review on itunes, I had a similar thing happen when I was on a radio show and I criticized 50 Shades for its message. And someone who was a big fan of Fifty Shades, a woman who was a big fan of fifty Shades, got quite defensive about it and about their connection and what they had together and what he was having to work, what she was helping him work through. And it's. To me, it's this very. It's this beyond cliche narrative of the woman helping the guy overcome his trauma in the meantime just martyring herself to his trauma. And. And that is. That is not. That cannot be. No. None of us would give that as a recipe to someone we love. Any woman we love, whether it's your sister, whether it's your daughter, whether it's your mum who you find, you know, your mum's single again after a divorce from your dad and she's back out there. Who among us would prescribe that as a narrative we would want them to follow, as a story we would want them to embark on? Oh, yeah, it's my mum who I'm really. I've really wanted to meet. A great guy. Guy shows up who's got five years of deep trauma to go through, where she's going to make her life hell. Yeah, choose that one.
Yeah.
Who's going to say that? None of us would choose it for. For a person we love, and yet we frequently choose it for ourselves. So what does that tell you? It tells you that you're. That anytime you're defending the idea of sticking around for someone who is making your life miserable because of their trauma, it says it's about your confidence or your lack of love for yourself. It's not about whether you actually think this is a good idea or not, because if it was someone you truly loved outside of yourself, you would not recommend this. You tell them to get out. Now. That's at the heart of so much of what I worry about with stuff like this, is that it does just. It glorifies the very thing that we have spent 15 years helping people to avoid and making them confident enough to realize they should avoid. And we meet the woman who is at the end of a 5 or a 10 or a 20 or a 30 year journey of having given her time to that kind of person, many of whom, and perhaps even arguably most whom don't actually change, most don't ever have the big turnaround moment, right? And you go ask yourself if, if you stuck with someone for 10 years, if you were with someone for 10 years, a total, and it was miserable for nine years, but in year nine or just, just as year 10 was coming up, they changed and they, and you had a great last year with them. Is that calculation worth it to you? Even if that happens, and that may not even happen, they may not even change in the 11th hour or the 10th hour. They may not. So you may have just wrote it out with someone, with someone who, who never is going to change. So it's dangerous stuff. We think we're playing with romance, but we're playing with our time. We think we're playing with romance, but we're playing with our time. And, and time doesn't give a fuck about your romance. Time does not. It has no generosity towards you in that respect. It will let you do your. Do your thing. Waste me all you want. I ain't coming back. You ain't getting a free pass. There's no second chance. Once we lose today, today is gone. Once we lose this year, this year is gone. There is no begging, bartering or blackmail that can get you back this year. So consider that when you find yourself justifying why you keep giving time to someone who, albeit for legitimate trauma, is making your life miserable. I have more to say, but should we. Is that an episode? Should we cut there and then do another? Because I had all sorts of other things I came to talk about today and somehow we've done a part two of the show, sex life, which I've never seen before you go. Did you know that the MH virtual retreat is coming up? This is three days of coaching immersion where we're going to be working on your. Your ability to manage your emotions, your confidence and your direction in life. I hope you'll join us. It's going to be the most amazing event. It's the best thing that I do. I really believe that. And so many people's lives are changed by this. If you want to find out more, go to mhvirtualretreat.com and I'll see you over there.
Sa.
