Feeling Insecure About Their Ex? WATCH THIS

He was like, Has my wife, you know, had bigger dicks than me? He was like, Probably. Like, yeah, she probably has.

Somebody called Brittany wrote into us also, and she was writing in relation to a past episode when we spoke about jealousy and exes and all of that stuff. And she said that what we were talking about is actually called retroactive jealousy and that we feel, when we feel jealous and insecure about our partner's past relationships, social media makes it super easy to stalk exes and see what they're like. I have felt insecure when former girlfriends seem more outgoing and social than me. Sexier with larger breasts, also better careers. And I always look, she says, I always look at boobs. that's a major one. But I think that's quite interesting because I definitely think that women compare themselves to exes and I'm sure men compare themselves to exes as well. But it's just an interesting thing that it's called retroactive jealousy and it's interesting to hear that, you know, lots of people suffer with that.

I sometimes think, you know, because we all relate to how we may suffer from that in our lives. We might take our current partner and have some imaginary picture of people from their past that we compare ourselves to. I always think there's something funny about the fact that most of us never consider how we're a ghost in somebody else's life. Like how are we the phantom enemy in the lives of people we've never even met?

Yeah.

Like, think about it for a moment. Who that you've ever dated is now dating someone who you've become this foreboding, terrifying figure to that they're like, oh, but, so wait, what does he do for a living? Or who is he? or what's his thing? And, you know, they gave your ex, gave them just enough information for them to, you know, emotionally torture themselves.

I think it's a really relatable thing she said. And I think what's really interesting about it is we can spend an enormous amount of time comparing ourselves to people and static images on social media and the idea of what people were But the reality is that people, that person with the great boobs and whatever.

If.

You met her and you spent a decent amount of time with her, she would just become another person. She probably isn't that great and there's probably far less to feel insecure about than you feel like there is when you look at her Instagram. And I think that's a really, it's something that we have to be quite sober about because we can drive ourselves crazy otherwise we've just the sort of idea of what someone is, but ultimately they are just another person.

There's a, there's a, but, you know, there's that great moment in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where the, what's his name? The main dude in that, not Russell Brand, but the guy who gets his heart broken.

Jason Segel.

Jason Segel. You know where he's, he, the ex, he's the ex who got his heart broken.

Yeah.

And Russell Brand is the guy that that got the girl and... Not the.

Guy you want to date your ex.

Not the guy you want dating your ex.

All this snow. It's like Russell Brand on steroids. All this snow.

But it's just this great moment where he meets Aldous Snow, Russell Brand's character, out on the water surfing, and Aldous Snow is just kind of this chill, relaxed, confident guy who's you know, making cool references. And there's just a moment where Jason Seagal, is it? He just goes, your call. And it's like a moment where he's, it's like he wants it to be the moment where he realizes, oh, you're a complete tool. And instead, it's like a moment where it just, he's almost like, I get it. I get it. You know, I get why she'd want to be with you. And of course, as the movie unfolds, you begin to realize that Aldous Snow has a whole bunch of issues of his own and, you know, is not he, even he is not the cat, you know, is not the intimidating character that kind of he's once thought to be in the sense that you realize, oh, to be with him would be a nightmare. And he turns out to be his ex's nightmare. But in that moment, that's almost the most terrifying moment, is the idea of meeting someone and being like, Man, you're cool.

What I love about that movie, too, is it really is just the worst possible situation to get over this ex. She's everywhere. She's on billboards. She's all this stuff. And that movie was kind of made a bit before social media was at least the way social media is today. And I do think this whole retroactive jealousy thing, it is sort of just a real, like a modern, modern phenomenon. And I do wonder, like, is this making it just, I mean, look, is it making it just awful for people right now? Or is there also some kind of silver lining here? Are we all just becoming a bit tougher?

I don't know if it's new. I think it's just you have so many more ways to torture yourself today.

Well, totally. Yeah, it's definitely not a new phenomenon, but the phenomenon of just it being so almost ridiculously in your face.

Correct.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. We're funny. People are funny. I remember being at dinner with a guy before social media was where it is today. he was an older guy. Maybe he was in his late 30s at the time, but he was, he was kind of funny in the way that he spoke. And he was, I remember him saying, like, you know, has, he was like, has my wife, you know, had, had bigger dicks than me?

Yeah.

He was like, probably. Like, yeah, she probably has, but. you know, like, I'm me, and I have this, and, you know, we have a great relationship, and ultimately, she chose me and whatever. And I. I remember when he said it, I wanted to throw up. I remember being like, I. You have. The fact that you can even admit that and say that out loud is like some kind of Jedi level of equanimity that at the time, I was like, I cannot relate to this. You just. you know, I was like, why are you putting this in my head? But I kind of look back now, and I was, and it's almost like he had, you know, he almost had reached some kind of just level of radical acceptance and maturity where he was just like, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, well, that's it. And I think that's, that's the kind of the cherry, the points to this, right? Is that if you let it, you will care. If you stalk your partner's ex, you will feel something, probably most likely. If you think about your partner with other people, you will get jealous. If you think about all these things, you will care because you're a human being. So accepting that that is absolutely something that is able to make you feel shit. It's able to make you feel bad. But then choosing to go as a result, I'm gonna just avoid it. I'm not gonna allow myself to open that box. I'm not gonna allow myself to go there because what's the point? Every time I do, if I was to go there, I would just end up hurting myself.

I agree with that totally. And I think that removing the references to someone and removing all the things that can link you back to them or trigger those thoughts is always a good idea. if you've already kind of. If you've already opened the wound and done the damage, I think one of the things that can really help is just to. Just to realize and connect with the idea that whoever this person is that has become an almost mythical figure of intimidation in your mind, they're not king of the world. They're not queen of the world. that you're taking a feature of them and making it really, really important, whether it's that they're really funny or whether it's that they're really beautiful or good looking or whether it's that that dude's got a great body or he's taller or he's whatever, he's more successful. You're taking a feature and blowing it out of all proportion. And you have to get back to the point where you go, no one is a god. No one is king of the world. No one is this person that's, by the way, so intimidating because you think that person has it all together. You're not thinking of that person in their deep, dark moments of despair or the things they're going through in their life or the ways that that person that you're intimidated by has not got happiness. figured out or the way that they torture themselves or the way that the thing they're going through right now, we rarely consider that. Wait a minute, before you go, what are you about to click on right now? I'll tell you the one that's come up on mine. Wasps in figs. Figs have tiny dead wasps inside them. Now is that changing your life? I know it's not changing mine, but I have something that will change your life. If you go to yourdatingsolution.com, you can put in your name, select the dating challenge that most applies to your life right now, and this tool will recommend one of my solutions that best fits your needs where you are in your love life. right now. Check it out at www.yourdatingsolution.com.