Feeling lonely... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

The way Jameson and I normally plan a video is we sit down and we think through everything we want to say, and then we try and break it down into a few very distinct points. And that's what this piece of paper was. It was my attempt to attack the subject of loneliness in a very structured way where there were three points to make. I'm still going to attempt to do that, but I wanted to bring you this video in a slightly more raw form because I feel like loneliness itself is a messy and difficult concept. Why do I even want to talk about this? Because I think that an enormous number of people, not just that follow us on this channel, but in the world, are painfully lonely. The first thing I'd like you to consider is putting companionship on the same level as a relationship. Many of us, we put intimate romantic love on this special pedestal. And that's not to say it isn't special, of course it is. But we undervalue companionship. Now. Blueprint says I will only truly get rid of my loneliness when I find that romantic love. Elaine de Botton said, it's only when we value companionship at that level that we can choose a person for their merits instead of simply because we think that being in a relationship is going to cure us of some loneliness in our current state, it won't. We can be just as lonely in an intimate relationship, and we can be just as happy and fulfilled with a companion, with somebody that we share those amazing connected moments of life with as we can in an intimate relationship. The second point relates to our thoughts. There can be a kind of loneliness in the way that we think. If we think we're one of the only people that thinks like us. There's a certain type of loneliness in not feeling understood, in not feeling seen. And that doesn't always have to come from a friend or a companion. You know, there are certain podcasts that I listen to that somehow make me feel seen or make me feel connected. I feel proud to say I think a lot of people get that from this channel as well. You know, we have a very sort of logical, rational group of thinkers and curious people that I think by being on this channel, realize, ah, there's someone else out there in the form of Matt and Jameson and brother Steve. There's somebody else out there that thinks like I do. You know, that. That sometimes that's why you come to this channel. Sometimes it's for a new idea, sometimes it's for a wonderful technique or a piece of advice, but sometimes it's just because you Watch. And even if you know, you're not interested, last week we did long distance relationships. You may say, I've never had a long distance relationship and it's not relevant to me right now, but you come because it's like coming to a meeting with friends, you know, even if the subject doesn't concern you right now, there's something in the way that we think together that resonates with you. Christopher Hitchens always used to say, one of my heroes and another person who makes me feel less alone in the world. Even though he's not here anymore. He said, it's more important how you think than what you think. Even if we disagree on what we think, you realize, ah, there's other people out there that, whose brains behave like mine. And I don't have that kind of cerebral starvation that leads to my. To my loneliness in my mind. And lastly, there is a pain that comes from feeling like we don't belong. That feeling that there is this great party going on in life and we're not invited. And that creates what we call fomo, the fear of missing out. There are there is some life going on that I don't have access to. We look at people's Instagram profiles and we instantly, we feel lonely because we know we don't have that life, or we're not sat on a beach somewhere right now, or we're not at that really cool party that our friends just put on Facebook. There is this constant world going on that we don't have access to, that we're not a part of or that we don't belong to. And that makes us feel lonely. And that produces a fear of missing out. But the problem with that is that it shows that on some level we're overvaluing the party that is going on outside of us. In other words, we can go to anything in life, any situation. Our day, when we wake up, we can go to that saying, where's the party? Or we can go to it saying, I'm the party. I remember being in high school and being invited to, you know, something that night. Matt, do you want to do this? And your instant thought, and I'm sure you have the person in your head who is relevant from your high school. The instant thought is, well, is so and so going. Is Will going? And why do you ask, is Will going? Because it would be a good time if that person was there. So you connect to that idea that, oh, it's only going to be a good time if that person that's not me, that is outside of me is there. So you overvalue what somebody else is bringing to the table and you completely undervalue what you could bring to the table if we took personal responsibility for having a good time and for bringing a good time. So that's obviously something that we develop over time. We learn how to bring more to life, but it starts with personal responsibility and understanding that we are enough on our own. We don't need somebody else to be the party, that we are enough on our own and that our actions matter. And that's the I do believe that loneliness somehow is synonymous with this idea of worthless. If I feel lonely a lot of the time, it's because I don't feel enough because I feel slightly worthless. I feel like my actions don't matter. And our actions matter. They do matter. I don't care who you are or what background you're from or what lack of love you feel in your life right now or how lonely you feel. I promise you, whether to the people that raised you or in the absence of them, to the perfect stranger, your actions matter and they can change someone's day. And the most modest things that you do that you believe have no lasting impact on the world can fundamentally impact who somebody is and the way they feel about themselves and the decisions they make afterwards that will go on to affect what all sorts of other people that you couldn't even imagine your actions would have an effect on. And don't think that you're alone in feeling this because anyone can feel this. I have thousands and thousands of comments every week and so many of them saying such lovely things. And I am not above that feeling of maybe what I do doesn't matter and forgetting losing connection. This is something we have to practice every single day. But you matter. Your actions matter. You do belong. And not to some grand party in life, but to your own party, which is the one that matters. My hope with this message is that at the very least it will make you feel less lonely today and that you can come back to it anytime you want to have that pressure valve on your own loneliness. Frankly, if all you ever do is come back and watch my video once a week from a long distance friend from wherever you are in the world, that makes me happy because that brings immense meaning to the work that I do. If you are somebody that wants to do a bigger journey, which you know I'm always going to encourage you to do, I have my retreat program. I'm always going to encourage you to do it because I am in love with the results that people get when they do a bigger journey with me, getting into these deeper issues that make us feel enough, that make us feel a sense of worthiness that no one can take away. That then produces success in life. Because I believe that when we're happy and when we're fulfilled and when we feel worthy, that's when we actually start to create more external success. That's when we bring more to the the world. Click that link, learn more about it, and see if it's right for you. If it isn't, great. If it is, it'll be one of the greatest gifts you ever give to yourself in your life. And by the way, thank you for watching. I know this video is a little longer than my usual video, but I believe some topics deserve more than three minutes. I'll see you next week.