In this YouTube call‑in, Ashley shares that a recent breakup has left her feeling lost and unsure how to move forward. Matthew AI responds with a self‑help framework that emphasizes "creating" yourself rather than merely "finding" yourself. He advises giving yourself intentional solitude, including "dating yourself" by going to movies, meals, or activities alone, to discover what you truly enjoy. Matthew warns against using family and friends solely as distractions, encouraging Ashley to revisit old hobbies or start new ones as a trial‑and‑error process. He highlights that discomfort—especially the fear of being alone—is a sign of necessary growth, and that embracing this discomfort signals progress. The conversation stresses a growth curve: using the current single period to build independence, expand knowledge, and develop passions, which will later enable healthier relationship choices. Matthew concludes with encouragement, noting that the effort now will make future relationships more fulfilling.
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Okay, so I'm calling because I'm having some issues with love, obviously. Basically, I've dated a guy who pretty much wrecked me, and ever since then, I've been completely lost. I know you're supposed to love yourself before you can ever love anyone else. So I guess my question is, how do you find yourself after heartbreak?
Yeah, that's a great question. I love that question. I think for most of us, what we do is we jump from one relationship to the next, never really giving ourselves an opportunity to actually, I guess, you know, I'm not a big lover of the term find yourself because I believe more in creating yourself than finding yourself. But I do believe time with yourself is very, very important. The ability to have some solitude where you actually discover what you like. and, you know, books you wanna read, places you wanna go, things you wanna learn about. And, you know, I think one of the mistakes we make when we come out of a relationship is thinking, I'm just gonna spend as much time with family and friends as possible. I do believe in that. You know, I think there's a certain amount of distraction that can come from that. And I also think that surrounding yourself with people you love and who love you, it can only be a positive thing. But that can get to a stage where all it is is numbing. In other words, you're just distracting yourself rather than actually saying, Am I actually spending time with myself? Am I taking on new, you know, if I want to become a better cook, am I learning that right now? If there's a new sport that I want to take on, am I growing myself right now? I really think that after a breakup, It's a terrific time to actually get to know yourself a bit better and to expand your knowledge and figure out more about what you love in life. But the key is to make sure you know that it's a process of trial and error. You know, you're not gonna get that all right at once. But I would now, 'cause you're single now, right? You've had, when was the breakup?
It was a few months ago.
So, I would now say, right, I'm really going to give myself space and time to be with myself. You know, I'm going to go on dates with myself. I really love the concept of going on dates with yourself, going to the movies, you know, by yourself, or, you know, going out to eat, just doing things that allow you to spend time with you. And that's not always comfortable, but solitude is really, really important. I think it's one of the things that really fundamentally grows us and makes us realize that we can be good company for ourselves and we really can be independent. And then once you've got that right, which is going to be this fun challenge for you right now, then when you get to the next relationship or you find a guy, you know that you're going to be selecting him for the right reasons because you really like him, not because you just need a companion. Does that make sense?
Yes, very much so.
So I think this is just going to be a time of trial and error for you. I think you should try and give yourself the mission of finding new things that you enjoy doing. Or if there are hobbies that you used to do or things you used to love doing that you stopped doing, this I think would be a really wonderful time to revisit them. You have the gift of time right now. And I think in some ways it would be a shame if you suddenly found another relationship tomorrow, because I think there's a real interesting growth curve. that you get to go through right now before the next relationship.
Right.
Which none of which makes it easy, by the way.
No, it's never easy. It's going to be very uncomfortable and I've had lots of people give me, you know, the same advice, but, you know, I've reached a pretty bad spot, so I think it's time to kind of do it.
What's the hardest part?
Being alone.
Right. But if that's something that's really uncomfortable, then you know you're working on something you need to work on. I think once that becomes comfortable, then you'll know you've made real progress and you've grown. And I think if it's uncomfortable right now, that's a good sign because it's a sign that there's still more work for you to do there. And that's great. you know, we've we've all been there. And the shame is for people who never get the chance to actually experience being on their own and the challenges that brings and the ways that forces them to grow. I think you're going through a growth curve. You know, you're going to have your own growth spurt right now. And I think that actually is really, really exciting, even if it isn't all easy. So keep your, you know, keep doing what you're doing. Make sure that you're not just distracting yourself in this time, but you're also making progress in certain areas because when you make progress on your hobbies, your passions, your knowledge, learning about yourself, progress will make you happy and it will make you excited about life again. And that's a that's a really great place to be. We need to get you excited about life again.
Yes.
Well, Ashley, thank you so much for calling in. I know it's not easy, but the journey you're on right now is going to be so worth it later on. So just know that now. It's not easy now, but it will be worth it later on. And when you are with that special person in the future, you're going to be really glad that you had time to really get strong on your own before you met him. So keep doing what you're doing. I'm there with you as your teammate, as always. And I'll speak to you soon, okay? Let us know how you get on.
