Find Yourself Attracted to the WRONG People? WATCH THIS

If you look at the pattern of the people that you've been with, do they conform to a certain stereotype, either aesthetically or in terms of their personality traits? Steven, you found an article on this. What did it have to say?

Well, it said that more than half they were surveying Brits and they said more than half of Brits have a type that they prefer to date. But a third are in long-term relationships with someone who doesn't fit the bill. Like, what does it mean to have a type and is it helpful?

I suppose people at one stage or another, they don't, it's not like they consciously go out looking for a certain kind of person necessarily. It's more that they come to find that there is something they find themselves attracted to attracted to over and over again. Right. And that ends up creating a kind of mold. And I think probably for a lot of people, that mold becomes sort of self-fulfilling that if you keep dating within that mold, then you have more and more reference points for a certain kind of person. You have more and more reference points for someone who physically looks like that or for someone who behaves like that. And that sort of ends up becoming what you know. No doubt for some people there is this sort of early imprint thing. There's some early attraction imprint that then dictates some of their early decisions around dating. But I think that there will be some extent to which we keep replaying that scenario over and over again because it starts to just become what we know. And then we think that that's all we're attracted to because we're not actually really deviating from it, which at a certain point takes actually a little bit of effort to step outside what we know and date someone different.

Yeah, and that's why I think there's a difference between what people are attracted to or what's best for them and what you're used to. And I think sometimes your type comes from what you're used to. and what you've had. And type can mean looks, blonde, brunette, tall, short, thin, large, whatever. But it can just mean certain behaviors or dynamics that you're used to, right? It can mean different things like what your type is. But I think that people do, when they go into dating apps, people often superficially have an idea of, I like sporty type. I like a preppy type of person. I like, I don't like people who went to a posh school and, you know, had a silver spoon in their mouths, you know, all their life. People will have certain ideas that they just, they're just all these different mishmash of preferences, prejudices, habits, things you're used to. And I'm convinced that There's a lot of them that are just a distraction because they're not focused on behavior. They're not focused on character. They're not character based. They're a hodgepodge of ideas you've got in your head.

But I think you can have a type, a personality type as well, right? Meaning you can be attracted to very differently packaged people who have the same core. Yes.

Right. They look very different, but they have the same kind of confidence or they have the same kind of humor.

What's interesting is, you know, why we would look to do that and could it be that we feel safe in those patterns? So when we know people's shortcoming, it's a little bit like the better the devil, you know. If you know someone's shortcomings, if you know that you're dating somebody who is this way and this way and this way, you can predict their behavior in a way where you feel safe, even if it's not conscious. Whereas if you date someone that's completely different, there's a new set of behavior that you're not used to that, you know, you then, it just sort of irks you a bit because you're not, you just don't feel safe in the same way that you do with someone whose behaviors you predict.

Yeah, in boxing, one of the things I got taught was you're not fighting a person, you're fighting a style. Before you go any further, I wanted to tell you about a free guide I have at www.leavelimbo.com this is for anybody. who is stuck in limbo right now in the casual or they're not going anywhere phase with somebody and what you really want with them is an actual committed relationship. This guide will tell you what to do and it's at www.leaveLimbo.com Now back to the video. When you fight a style enough times you get used to dealing with that style and it might be that you keep changing the person in a relationship but you keep getting the same style. And the attractive thing about that, even if it's uncomfortable or it comes with pain, is, as you say, better the devil you know is really a way of saying, I know the style that I'm dealing with here. I know how to counterpunch in this situation. I know what to anticipate. I can read the moves.

And even one step even deeper than that, could it be that you have your own issues and your own things that you're battling with? And so having someone, for instance, who is really jealous allows you to step back into a position of submission or calming them down or soothing them where you feel needed or you feel like you're constantly the evolved one in the relationship. So you get to also serve you know, one of your own needs through their shortcomings or kind of more toxic traits, so to speak.

Yeah, that's kind of the relationship equivalent of the big fish, small pond idea, is that you keep dating people where you get to feel like the big fish, you get to feel like the together one. It's kind of the same as the Jerry Springer effect. Right? I'd rather watch Jerry Springer because it makes me feel good about it makes me feel together. I don't want to have to watch a bunch of people who are more evolved than me. That might mean I'd actually have some work to do. That might mean I'd actually have to grow. And I do think that is one of the reasons that people pick a safe type is that I don't actually have to grow. This is non-threatening. threatening. This person does not challenge me. And although I complain to everybody, like, I always think, pay attention to the things that you complain about a lot, but you keep replaying the same dynamic over and over again anyway, because if that's the case, you're getting something out of it.

And I want to ask you, what do you say to the person who says, well, Yes, fine, but I'm just always attracted to this kind of person. I can't help it. Whenever I try and go for something different, it's just not my type.

I'm... Pizza. What?

That's the sort of stuff you come here for, guys. That's... I think we can wrap this one up there. Go on, Matt. What do you mean?

Think about it for a moment. Well, pizza can't be pizza every morning, lunchtime, and night. If that's what you ate every meal of the day for the rest of your life, it would stop being pizza. We would start to probably not feel our best.

Get a hard times belly.

You get what, yeah, Audrey and I call a hard times belly, which is a belly that I sometime develop in hard times.

Too much cheese.

Well, you brought it up. I didn't. You can't just make a reference and then I not explain it. I call it.

I call it the cheese ball.

But it would also, if you ate pizza morning, lunch, and dinner, some of the satisfaction of it being pizza would be taken away. It wouldn't be that treat anymore. And I think that the person who's mysterious and got that quality that makes them really exciting If you live with that person all day, every day, I guarantee they're not those things. Right? They can't be. It's a sort of thing, the Friday night pizza effect happens because it feels like a cheat meal, right? But that person, in order to actually feel sustainably, we need to have some kind of sustainable diet, which doesn't mean being with someone who's never pizza. You want to be with someone who can be pizza sometimes. But that's not something that... that's not like a state that you just live in with someone every second of the day. So, I often think that we've mistaken people who have created an artificial sense of how exciting they are with people who are just great people to be with.

Guys, I have a comment from our YouTube page that is very relevant to this point you're making, Matt.

Okay.

All right. So, this comment is from someone who says her name is BB? So I want to tell you guys because I do feel like we're a little community. Tonight I was on a third date with a guy whose personality isn't my type. But I feel calm and myself around him. I also didn't feel a lot of chemistry initially, but it's grown because I've always thought of him as handsome and cute. I found myself making a couple little corny jokes and he seemed to appreciate them. Well, tonight we kissed. I like that he didn't pressure me to kiss him this entire time. Oh my gosh, I lost my balance after our kiss. I know that's just chemistry, but I'm glad it's there. I'm really trying not to overthink things now and spiral off, but enjoy my time with him. Just had to share that.

Wonderful.

I think it's really... it's encouraging. But I also think it's okay to have a type. It's okay to like be attracted to things. What I would suggest that people do is ask themselves is, is your having a type, is your being attracted to people, is it closing you off for more people or is it opening you up to more people? Because I think there's a way, we have a lot of people that comment that say, I'm just, I never attracted to anybody. Like those guys could do they could do well to have a type to try to figure out like what is it I like about other humans, you know? And so I just think- Do you.

Ever believe anyone though when they say they're not attracted to anyone?

Well, I think it goes back to exactly what you were saying before, was they're playing it safe.

Correct.

They don't want to put themselves out there, but I think that it takes, I guess there's two sides of it. I do think sometimes we get, you know, I always joke that like humans are my favorite animals. I really like people. You gotta like start to really try to like people a little bit. And I just think a lot of people find it safe to just be very critical. Not my type, not my thing. I don't like that he does that. I don't like that she looks like this. And I think humans are pretty awesome.

Well, I think that when we get too far into our type, it becomes a form of It almost becomes a form of self hatred that we start looking for a specific magical kind of person. Often that is very different from how we see ourselves, who we in some ways see as kind of aspirational, and anyone who shows the kind of human qualities that we have. is kind of icky and gross. Because you're like, I'm trying to get away from me. And your type becomes the kind of unobtainable, the unattainable, I should say. And you're right, Jay. I mean, it becomes safe. It becomes safe to say, that's my type. Especially when your type is someone that is ever elusive. It's to me, it's no different. When I meet gay men who are like, I only ever like straight men, I'm like, what kind of self-hating bullshit is this?

I only like people who don't like me.

Well, it's so firstly, it's so safe. Yeah. Because it removes me from the game.

I would argue they were probably in the game in that moment with you. That's a possibility.

No, no.

They're just testing the waters to see how well they can get.

I also think you'd be surprised at the amount of straight men who just kind of go for it.

Yeah, but you know, I think that there is something, look again, it's like people who say, I, it's like people who find themselves going after married people. There is something safe. about this. I'm, in a way, I'm removing myself from the game. I don't have to actually compete. If I'm competing in the single market, then I have competition, right? Whereas if you're just off the market, but I like you, then there's no real competition.

And.

And I think that's a big reason why people end up. continuously chasing after things that feel elusive. I think there's an interesting kind of gray area that people may relate to, which is when they find themselves really enjoying being around someone who isn't their type or isn't typical for them. And they're drawn to that person, but they find themselves questioning themselves because they've created this very specific blueprint and they're like, oh, but this isn't my type. Oh, this isn't what I normally go for. And that's playing into their decisions right now on a kind of, on an analytical level. They're putting up a barrier when actually what they're experiencing and what they're feeling and BB who left that comment. What she kind of described is, oh, I felt drawn to this person. Had I allowed my kind of logical mind to put up a barrier, it could have. It could have said, this person isn't the kind of guy that I normally go for. But instead, she said, I'm feeling something, so let me explore that. And that, to me, is where there's a lot of potential outside of your type. It's not by Finding someone that you don't find attractive at all in any way, shape or form and saying, let me just stick it out and see what happens. It's more about paying attention to feelings you have in directions you don't normally go in.

Yes.

And seeing where those feelings take you. Yeah.

And that can be someone's character. It can be certain way they behave with you, a dynamic, But that's why I think, yes, it can be super helpful, right? If you are like, you're a sporty, hiking, mountain climbing, you know, gym junkie, whatever, it totally makes sense if you are like, I'm going to go to physical things or I'm going to meet people there because I would love someone who can share that with me. That totally makes sense. And it's great to think about your pool and to put yourself in those scenarios. I really, really agree with that. I think it's just that it shouldn't be a restriction and it's like you would be surprised how many things that might be peripheral even outside of the thing you thought was so crucial. But I think like you're saying Matt, some openness to like I might be surprised by someone here, it might be more about our dynamic that's unique and special than it is about they checked these 10 things I thought I needed in a partner.

And I think this may be potentially off topic, but I think this is such a good point that I want to just shine a light on it. Because sometimes we forget that the things that we resent our partners the most for or the things that we don't like in people can be the sort of flip side of the coin for the things that are going to make your life much better. And a lot of the times we undervalue or even resent certain characteristics. But what we don't realize is whilst discarding those, we're discarding all of the great things we're actually looking for in people.

Yes.

And I think that's a really important thing to remember whenever somebody does something and you go, oh God, they got a bit annoyed about this, they're a bit sensitive, they're a bit that, you know, you tie it to all of the ways that they're sensitive. Are they sensitive to your feelings as well as their own feelings? Are they sensitive to other people in the world and do they care about things? Is them being sensitive actually them being empathetic and therefore having that in abundance in all areas of life? And does that make your life better?

Right, and that's really, it's a great point because then, what you can find is you might date someone where you initially see their sensitivity as not sexy, right? And you go, oh, God, they're so sensitive and blah, blah, blah. And that part of you is like the teenager on the playground at school is like, where's the Danny Zuko in all of this? You know, where's the bold, like, slickback struts in his leather jacket? That guy, that guy's sexy.

And I love Matt's interpretation of what women's types are actually like. That's what Audrey Hepburn is.

Gelled hair.

You know, I think of Danny Zuker as just having that incredible, like, put on swagger, you know? But you then have to run that experiment. You have to go, okay, like Audrey said, What actually do I get with this sensitivity that makes my life so much better and makes for a much better relationship? And what did the opposite of this look like in my last five relationships? What did the people who had no sensitivity, how did that play out for me? The last five times. So you have to run the experiment all the way through. That thing that I keep going for, what happens, and even if my initial response to this is not as exciting, how does that play out? Yeah. If I actually give it more thought and let it run to its natural kind of terminal velocity. Now, I want to just take a step back for a moment because I just want to put a bow on this and say, I don't want this conversation to be construed as us saying, I don't want it to be construed as kind of some sort of preachy, go for better human beings and stop going for people that you're attracted to. Firstly, it would be incredibly sad if you couldn't find a marriage between the two. And if you can't find a marriage between the two, that is suggestive of some kind of being led by some kind of trauma as opposed to something that's actually good for you long term. But it's not saying go for people that you're not in any way attracted to. It's be very wary of A, the instinct to keep going for the same thing. Because half the time, the reason we think we're attracted to the same thing over and over is because that's the thing we keep doing. we keep reinforcing that pattern over and over. And so you've just convinced yourself that that's the only reality that's available to you. And attraction is so weird and it's so complex and it's so in many ways sort of unknowable that the idea that you have figured out the only kind of person that you can be attracted to is so ridiculous. It's nonsense.

You have a bias from your ex sometimes as well, right? Like you're trying to either rewrite that relationship or you think, I really love them, so that's the kind of person I am.

Of course. And if you had a very emotional experience with someone of that kind and that your brain links up, we know that the brain creates long-term memories out of the most emotionally heightened experiences. So, when you have a relationship that there were massive spikes of emotion, then your brain wires that up as important. That was important. Remember that it was important. And we're just not aware of how many other experiences are available to us in the realms of infinite possibility of relationships we could have and types of people we could be attracted to and the types of people, the vast array, the diversity of people that could wow us. We cannot give ourselves too much credit that we have just figured out exactly what it is we want and need. So, that's the first thing. And the second thing is knowing that go into your dating life with a sense of curiosity, with a sense of openness to being surprised. Hmm, this is interesting. This person is actually, I feel really good around this person. Now, I'm telling myself they're not my normal type and therefore they must be a friend, not something more. But why am I telling myself that? What's that based on? Is it really based on the fact that I couldn't be attracted to this person or that I'm just not letting myself be attracted to this person or I'm just not giving this person the time of day? Where am I holding myself back as opposed to I couldn't be attracted? And some of the time, the only way to know that is to actually give something more of a chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance. Not because you feel nothing and you're just having wild stabs in the dark, but because you actually do feel something, a little flame that might actually be worth breathing some oxygen into, that might actually be worth giving a little more time to catch fire. fire.

Like BB.

Like BB. She didn't, she wasn't there because she felt nothing. She was there because she felt something curious. And she followed that curiosity.

And importantly, she, she said, but I feel calm in myself around him. BB really, what? BB's really been watching a lot of our videos.

Well, that's a great sign of a healthy relationship, right? You feel calm and you feel yourself around them and you feel like you can be yourself. The reason BB feels like herself around him is because along the way, he's made her feel that she can be. He's made her feel accepted in that way. So she's not trying to pretend to be something else to get his attraction. And that's a sign of a really healthy relationship. And I honestly think as well, the more you, the more we grow, the more we realize what happiness actually looks like, the more healthy relationships start to look really attractive. Wait a minute before you click on whatever video YouTube is recommending you right now, some sort of shark video, mine's all videos of big waves or you know, mouse riding a unicycle into a bowl of custard. Whatever YouTube is recommending you right now, don't click on that. I have something better for you. It's a free guide that helps you get out of limbo with someone who isn't treating you seriously for a relationship and into a meaningful path with that person that actually goes somewhere. Go get that free guide at leavelimbo.com.