Going Through Breakup Hell? | Matthew Hussey

Joe says going through hell right now. Any advice? Well, Joe, I don't know why you're going through hell. Perhaps it's a breakup. Perhaps something tragic has happened in your life. Maybe you lost the love of your life, someone you thought you were supposed to be with. Or maybe you're just going through a ton of emotional pain right now. One of the things that always helps me when I'm going through hell is to remember that everything changes. Pain modulates over the course of our life. Memories change in the amount of pain.

That they cause us, especially if we.

Decide to work on our relationship with that memory or with that time in our life. We go on to meet other people, have new relationships that move us on from the previous situation. We change what we think about changes. What's important to us changes what we think about a situation or a person changes. Everything changes. And there's something very comforting about that, because whatever extraordinary pain you're feeling right now, you won't feel the same way about that thing in two years or even in a year, and certainly not in five, I think. Look, time doesn't automatically heal our pain. Time can make it easier to live with. But what's interesting is when pain gets easier to live with, it's another way of saying we've changed our relationship with the pain. And the ironic thing is changing our relationship with the pain can actually make the pain decrease. And that's true. Whether we're talking about emotional pain or even sometimes physical pain, we get physical, chronic pain. One of the things that can make pain chronic is that once we feel pain, if we freak out and we panic about that, and our relationship with that pain becomes one of fear and one of trauma, then our wiring starts to wire itself for that pain to continue. And I've had issues with chronic physical pain. And one of the lessons I've learned is that if I change my relationship with that physical pain to one of acceptance to one of calm, if I can learn not to associate it with fear and panic, which with physical pain. At one stage I did, I had a lot of panic and fear around it that it would never go away. And if it would never go away, then my life would be ruined. And if my life was ruined, then what was the point in keeping going? You know, I went through that whole cycle once I started to learn to adapt my relationship with pain, calm down with it, learn how to manage my relationship with it. The pain itself, I found I had more control over than I thought. And that's a very powerful realization. And I Sometimes think that one of the saddest things about when people are in tremendous pain and then they make bad decisions. You know, there's. Of course, the really bad decision some people make is to end it when they're in the worst pain of their lives. But even if we don't go that far, even if we just make some really poor decisions from a place of pain that then make our lives worse, a lot of the time we're not taking that longer term perspective that this will change, that this tremendous, horrible, sickening pain I'm in right now, it won't last forever. And that doesn't mean I have to feel better today. It just means that there's the pain of what's happened and then there's the panic that comes with the catastrophizing that this pain is going to last forever. And the latter part makes the pain so much worse. When we understand that, yes, I'm in pain right now, but that pain isn't going to last forever. This isn't going to stay the same, then it gives us just a little bit of breathing room with our pain. And then our job is to do the best we can right now with the pain that we have.

Not to do your best from a.

Year ago because you weren't in this pain a year ago, it's to do the best you can with the pain you have right now. And that's where we tend to get very hard on ourselves, is we expect the same of ourselves as we're able to give or do in our better times. And that's not fair. You have to account for your pain and the things you're going through and then do the best you can with that. And that's the art. The art is how well can you do, what can you do in your life? What, how many times can you get up? What can you experience in your day in spite of your pain? That's the real art of life. As opposed to how quickly can I get rid of this pain? Because pain runs its course.

I hope you enjoyed that video or at the very least found it to offer some solace. If you're going through a really difficult time in your life right now. I relate to Joe in saying going through hell right now because I've been through times in my life where I really felt like I was going through hell. I was going through a kind of personal hell. And in those times, I didn't know if I would ever come out of it. I didn't know if I'd be okay ever Again. And in some of those moments, I reached the darkest point of my life. And it. It gave me a greater depth as a person, and it ultimately made me a much better coach because I had to. I had to learn. It sent me on a journey where I had to learn how to pull myself out of that place. That was something I'd never had to do before. Those moments when I was a younger coach, I. You know, sometimes when we say things, we. We say things because we've heard them somewhere and we think that they're true. And they may be true, but when we've been through something incredibly difficult in our lives, the words we say have a different resonance because they come from experience. And in having to pull myself out of some of the darkest moments in my life, I learned a lot of tools. I learned a lot about how to not only survive moments like that, but how to rebuild and how to get back to a place of happiness or peace, even when you think it's not possible. And I. Those times in my life now where I went through hell are some of the times that I'm most grateful for, because it helped me develop a kind of invincibility. So that now when I go through really bad, bad times, it's funny, I don't panic. You know, at that time when I was going through hell, I would. I would panic, I would freak out. I would go into a kind of catastrophic thinking about my future and never being okay again or life being ruined. And that would. That would panic me. And the panic that how I felt about being in hell made the whole situation ten times worse. Nowadays, when I go through something difficult, I don't tense up in the same way, and I don't panic because I know I have the resources and the tools to be able to deal with it. What I would love is to be able to pass those tools onto you. That I have learned through the most difficult times in my life. And I've been so fortunate to have access to not only to things I've learned along the way, but to amazing mentors who helped me in those times. And one of the places where I'm able to give all of this knowledge and these tools to people is my retreat. If you haven't experienced this with me yet and you're going through a difficult time in your life, this process is one that you will thank yourself for the rest of your life for being a part of. It's literally life saving. And what's really exciting is that for the last two and a half years, I'VE been doing my retreat virtually, but for the first time since pre Pandemic, I am doing my in person live retreat again in Florida and I wanted to make sure you knew about it because if you are going through a tough time in your life, if you know you have to make a change, I promise you this is one of the safest and most beautiful places you can be to make that change. And I will guide you over six days in exactly how to do it. All you need to do to apply is go to mhretreat.com, read all about it, learn about it, and apply. Because this is going to be a game changer for you this year. If this video resonated with you, I'll see you over there.