He Hasn't Asked You To Be Exclusive Yet?

I really believe assuming exclusivity is an is a very dangerous thing. You just don't know until you know, until you have the conversations with somebody. What is it about the early stages that makes it so difficult to have the conversation about where it's going. Let's talk about that for a moment, because that is at the crux of this, right? This is a difficult conversation to have. Hey, where is this going? And it's difficult for a reason. It's difficult because we think we might come across too intense, that we might suddenly seem like we're sucking the fun out of the situation. We were having a romantic time. It was fun, it was exciting. And now all of a sudden, it's almost like we're worried we've become high maintenance. We're worried that we're giving away our power if we suddenly start talking about commitment or what we want, because we're being honest. We're being honest about the fact that we like them enough to want it to go somewhere. So it can feel like we're giving up our power in that moment. We may not know how to have the conversation, And importantly, we're really afraid of getting an answer we don't want. And that is at the heart of all of this. If we knew, if we were guaranteed that when we said, Hey, you know, where do you see this going? Somebody else said, oh my God, I'm like having the best time with you. I want to see where this goes. I want us to actually give this a real try. That we would do it in a heartbeat. But we're not guaranteed the answer we want. And so I think for a lot of us, what we're really afraid of is that the party is going to stop when we have this conversation. Because if we don't get the answer we want, we're faced with a bit of a predicament. Do I leave this person? Or I say leave, there's nothing to leave in that sense. But do I stop dating them? Do I stop seeing them? or do I keep seeing them? But now it's kind of like out in the open that I'm not actually getting my needs met in the way that I want or that this isn't progressing in the way that I want. So do I now feel like I lose some self-respect in that? Do I feel like I lose some respect from the other person in that if I just keep dating them, even though I've expressed that I'd like it to go somewhere and they said they don't want it to, does my value go down in that situation? Is it even wise to continue? It's always easy to continue with something when we can kid ourselves that it might go somewhere. But when someone has expressly told us that they don't want more, it's harder to lie to ourselves. And all we're faced with is the truth that we're actually breaking our own standards by staying. All of this is to say it's a lot easier not to talk about it. It's a lot easier to go week after week, month after month, without really having the conversation about what it is or where it is or isn't going. So, Steve, what are... I know that you wrote about three specific mistakes that people make in this area. What are the three big ones?

So, I think the first big mistake is assuming... and this is all assumptions. It's all about assumptions we make by default. And so, one default assumption that people tend to make is assuming that doing romantic things together equals commitment. Someone doing. We've talked about love bombers in the past, Matt. We've talked about people who lavish you with gifts or just smother you with attention early on. They take you on a romantic trip, and you read into that that that means this person is serious.

Okay, got it. So if they're doing things with you that feel romantic, that doesn't, that's not a sign that it's actually going anywhere. It can just be a sign that they wanted to do something romantic or they enjoy getting swept up in the moment. They enjoy being able to impress you or make you feel something, but none of those things are an actual signal for intent that they intend for it to go somewhere.

Yeah, exactly. And intent is the key there. And unfortunately, there is a personality type that gets addicted to those expressions of early romance that assumes that someone tripling down on passion early on means that this must be more serious because look at how passionate they are about this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, very good. Mistake number two.

Mistake number two is assuming that sex naturally leads to commitment. The key word being there naturally leads to commitment because sex can be the precursor to commitment. There's no rule that says having sex early means that you won't end up in a relationship with this person. But assuming that just because you are regularly being physically intimate with this person, they come over a few times a week or whatever and you sleep together, assuming that that then means There is a real future plan here.

Yeah, well, that extends even to thinking that even before commitment, thinking that having sex with someone is going to create more of a bond is an assumption because there is no guarantee that it will create a bond for the other person. There's no guarantee that sex means the same thing to them as it does to you.

Absolutely, and that's why you have to be, you know, it's fine if you have a standard that you're fine being physically intimate with someone because you like them and you don't necessarily expect that to go somewhere, that's fine. But if for your own protection, you know, I will get emotionally attached, I will feel like I want this to be something more because I'm sleeping with some regularly. If you know that, It does behoove you to be careful in, you know, just falling into that trap of like, we're sleeping together and I'm just going to assume and get closer and closer to this person and assume that it's going to lead somewhere serious.

What's mistake number three?

Mistake number three is assuming that sharing emotional intimacy means he has long-term intentions. And this can you know, this can apply to men and women, so it's not, it's not gender specific. But just because you have phone calls, long talks into the night, or you're sharing loads of deep stuff over texting or whatever, again, that people can enjoy the fact that they have someone, they can actually just come home at the end of the day and talk about how work was, why they're stressed with their boss, why they're pissed, what you know, what's not going their way, what they want. People can enjoy that feeling and that comfort, the comfort traps of a relationship without necessarily meaning that, like, they exclusively have eyes for that person or just that they may still feel like, yeah, but I don't want to, like, go the full way. But I really enjoy this, you know, this, like, special friendship we have.

To me, there's something that's jumping out, which is the elephant in the room, right? You know, it's all well and good to say to people, watch out for these things and, you know, these mistakes that you make in assuming all these different things in early dating. But there's a lot of people out there who, a lot of men out there who kind of just want the girlfriend experience. And they're quite happy to use people. They're happy to use you physically, emotionally. They're happy to love bomb you in a way of, you know, just messaging you all day long and inviting you out to things and creating this false sense of security and intimacy. Meanwhile, because they've never actually articulated the words that they are committed to you, they're always in the clear. As you have said multiple times, Matt, you know, we have to take responsibility to protect ourselves because a lot of people, if you let them, will just take advantage of those things. And just because your standard for how you treat people is a certain way does not mean somebody else will have the same standard as you. And you just have to be very mindful of those things.

So all of this is speaking really to the danger of not having conversations. And I really believe in assuming exclusivity is a very dangerous thing because you just don't know until you know, until you have the conversations with somebody. Stephen and I created a brand new free guide. And if you're someone who is seeing someone right now, but you're not getting the commitment you want naturally, and you want to have the conversation in a high value way that is confident and that gives you the best chance of getting a positive response. This guide shows you how to do it practically. It literally hands you the conversation. We worked really hard on it. We're super proud of it. It's free and it's something you can use today. To get that guide, go to leave limbo.com We said leave limbo.com because it's that's what you're doing. You're leaving the no man's land of not knowing where you stand and entering the territory of a real relationship.

I really like Leave Limbo. When you guys told me about the name of it, I really enjoyed it.

Strong alliteration.

Yeah, it was really good. I really liked it. and also everyone who is listening, Matthew and Stephen have both been bloody excited about this guide. They've talked about it a hell of a lot.

Well, we asked your opinion on it and you read it and you went, I have no notes to add.

I was about to say exactly that and I read it and it's really, really good and you guys are gonna absolutely love it.