"He STILL Won't Commit . . . Should I Walk Away?" | Matthew Hussey

He's giving you time, he's giving you energy, he's giving you attention, he's getting your attention, he's getting your time, he's getting your intimacy, but he's not saying yes. And that's all you actually need to know. 1200 people tuning in. That's crazy. All right, so I've sent out a video request to Jillian. Hey, Jillian. Wait, what was your name? Is it Jillian or did I just mix you up with someone in the chat?

Sabina.

Sabina, Sabina. Okay, there you go.

Sabina, how many people you have on the video at the same time? So, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Just you. So, hello. Good to have you here.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm from New Jersey. But I watch your videos all the time. I do have some situation, obviously. I was involved with someone for about six months. This person is going through a divorce and we constantly are fighting because he has no time. He's afraid to. commit to something serious because he doesn't want his ex-wife to find out because she would cause him a lot of problems through the divorce. He's trying here and there. I see him, like, once a week. We, we. He's very consistent. We on the phone all the time. But I'm very confused because he giving me everything, like, he wants a relationship and the question he's asking if I'm seeing or speaking with other people and. the way he's very close with me and we already got intimate at some point that it seems like a relationship but he doesn't want to put a title on it. He doesn't want a commitment yet. And it causing us fight all the time. And I just, every time we try to cut it off, we then miss each other. We start talking again. And I just don't know if his situation is, is he just playing game or if I should cut it off or how to approach him that I don't want to put pressure. He feels pressured by me into relationship. I don't want to pressure him, but I feel like we are six months and I kind of would like to know what I stand. I don't want to waste my time. I'm 36 years old. I am established. I'm divorced myself after four years and I'm looking for something serious. he knew that from the beginning. So I, you know, what would you, what would you, what would be your advice in, in this?

So what's really, what, what a lot of people struggle with in situations like this is we get into the business of analyzing what somebody else is saying and whether it's fair or not. And when we do that, we can be spinning internally because we go, is he right? Am I right? Should I be more understanding because he's still in a divorce or he's, he's, has he, is he officially divorced?

No, not yet. And we don't know when that's going to happen.

So he's, so he's saying to you that there could be more problems for me if she learns that I'm dating someone and then I have all the headaches of a much more acrimonious divorce. And so now you're looking at that going, well, that sounds rational and reasonable. Do I have to be more understanding? And so what you're going through is very common, not just in divorces, but also with anyone who is hearing a reason why somebody can't give them what they want right now. Right? Now, he has his logic, he has his reasons.

Correct.

But there's two words, reasons and reality. I'm not saying his reality, your reality. Your reality is that you said you're in your 30s, you want a relationship, and you have been dating someone for six months who still can't say that, the two of you are an actual couple. That's your reality, regardless of what he is telling you or the legitimacy of his reasons. For now, we don't actually have to worry about whether his reasons are real or not. Are they real? Does it have genuine consequences for him in his divorce if she learns that he's dating someone? Maybe. Is he using it just as a strategy to tell you that He can't have an official relationship right now because it will cause him problems. And that's how he's justifying not getting into a commitment that actually he's not ready for independent of his ex. Maybe. We don't know. But it doesn't matter. It's in a way, it's not our business to know. It's not your business to know. It's your business to protect yourself.

So.

What I want you to do is the next time you talk to him, say to him, Look, I can have compassion for your situation. I can have compassion for the fact that you're going through a lot. A divorce is a big deal. You dealing with the fallout of that and dealing with all of the logistics of that is a lot for you right now. I totally understand that, but I can't take that on myself. Your reasons don't change my reality. And my reality is that I've given this six months to see where it goes in the hopes that it would turn into something serious. and committed and a relationship. I'm not asking for the world. I'm asking for a relationship. And you're not able to give that to me, regardless of why that is. Because again, I want, when you speak to him, Sabina, I want you to have no aggression in your heart. I want you to have no, there's no anger, there's no nothing. It's Just facts. However legitimate those reasons are for you, the reality for me doesn't change, which is that I want to find something serious and meaningful with someone who values me and someone who's ready to say yes to me. And regardless of your reason, you can't say yes to me right now. You've made that clear.

So.

I'm going to move forward with my life and if something changes for you, you let me know and if I happen to still be available at that time, then we'll talk. But in the meantime, I have to keep moving forward with my life. Does that make sense?

Absolutely and I think I'm trying to actually accept that. and actually, I think I have to make that decision because I had those conversations with him many times. And actually, I watch your videos and I try to say those things to him that I'm trying to be understanding, but this is not working for me. And we'll cut it off. And then few days, two days later, he will contact me, he will show up, he will bring me something like he has hard time also letting it go as well. And I asked him why you keep Dragoness you you can't you're not ready why can't you just let me go and not waste my time if you're not ready for relationship? He has hard time with that as well, right? That's what's confusing too because it looked like he wants it but he just can't give it to me right now. That's his response.

But you know what? But here's the here's the thing right now He doesn't feel the consequences, the true consequences of letting you go because you're not going.

That's true.

There's an analogy you use, Matt, which is you never want to be the train just sitting on a platform saying, Doors are open. We're ready when you are. We'll just sit here and chill. And when you're ready, the train's just sitting here waiting. You want to be the train that's like, We're moving forward with or without you.

You.

That's where we're going. We've got a destination. And that's the only way someone not to play games, but that's the only way someone ever feels. I've got to make a real decision here because they're not going to be here.

And can I. Can I. That's absolutely right, Steve. Let me say one more thing, Sabina.

Yeah.

If someone is coming out of a relationship, whether it's marriage or just a long-term relationship, They need, it already makes them a precarious person to be with right now. It already makes them a potentially dangerous person to be with because of all of the complications that can come with that, whether they're contractual complications and logistical or whether they are simply the complications of someone whose heart is still bound up with someone in the past. So, someone in that situation needs to actually work extra hard to make sure that you know they're ready. In a sense, even if he was saying to you, I'm ready, and let's do this, there should still be a little part of you that says, I am I really care about this man in this relationship, so I want to give this a shot, but I am going to tread carefully here to make sure that this is real, that this is consistent, that this is everything that this person says it is. So, I'm going to go slowly here. That's even in the case that he's working extra hard. to reassure you and to give you consistent energy and investment and commitment. But he's not even doing that.

Honestly, you know, I've been in very similar situation because I was married for 13 years and I got divorced three years ago, it separated four. So I'm trying to be understanding because his situation very similar to mine. And I met someone right before my divorce because I was separated from my ex-husband for almost a year before my divorce. So in his situation, it's like a similar situation. So I could see that this could be something. I just feel like he's holding back, but he wants it and he gives me everything. Like we have relationship, we are constantly in contact all day. He's very consistent. It's just the time. He doesn't have enough time for me.

Well, so wait, is the problem that he doesn't want to say yes to a relationship or he doesn't have enough time?

Enough time and he's afraid to commit yet. Like he's not.

Right. So one of, by the way, one of those can be more legitimate than the other. Because if he's saying to you, hey, it's you and me, it's you and me, we're gonna do this together. I want to be with you. You want to be with me. You and I are in a relationship. You know, and he's executing on his divorce, he's making all of that happen. Everyone who says, never date someone who's going through a divorce or whatever, life's not black and white. So I can't stand when people are so defiant about, you know, it has to be this way or whatever. People could be separated for a long time, and it's a matter of dealing with paperwork at this stage. So at the end of the day, and by the way, you have to know that he's finalizing that. You have to know that it's actually happening, But life isn't binary. But what is binary, what is really simple is, is he saying yes to you and he's not saying yes to you? If he said yes to you and then said, by the way, this is a really tricky period time wise. I'm in a chapter of my life where I am slammed with the amount of things I have to do. I'm looking forward to being able to dedicate more time But right now, I need you to bear with me through this chapter because it is a really crazy time. Then you can communicate, you can work with someone like that.

That's what was happening actually. It's just that I guess you feel more pressure because I'm asking for a little bit more or I'm asking for more validation because we are six months.

No, you're not asking for that pressure.

But I need to know for myself if this is going anywhere.

But you're saying, can we call ourselves a couple and he's saying no. That's all you need to know. After six months, that's all you need to know. Nothing else matters.

Yeah.

He's not saying yes. He's giving you his, he's giving you time, he's giving you energy, he's giving you attention, he's getting your attention, he's getting your time, he's getting your intimacy, but he's not saying yes. And, and that's all you actually need to know. that's it.

So when it comes to no contact rule, if he reaches out, should I ignore him? Because he did message me. Should I ignore him? Should I.

Here's what you do.

Say something in polite way to just, you know, to. For him to leave me alone. Because I need to obviously take some time and. And, you know, think this through. I don't know what the right approach is. Because sometimes when you're emotional, you might take the wrong way.

Here's what you, well firstly, here's what you know. Going back to him because he reaches out to you doesn't change anything. You have evidence for that now. So the next time you tell yourself, after you've had one of these conversations with him and you move on, when he then reaches out to you, Remind yourself, the last time he reached out and the last time he went back, it didn't make any difference. So why do I think it's going to make a difference this time? The only, do you want to know something about the no contact rule? The no contact rule people take way too literally. The no contact rule people take to mean that for X amount of time after a breakup, You must have zero contact with a person whatsoever. If they reach out to you, ignore them.

Okay.

The no contact rule is a little bit different than that, in my opinion, my version of it.

Okay.

The rule is if someone reaches out to you, You have to set a bar for what's interesting. And the only thing that's interesting enough to engage with is a different decision from his side. Anything less than a different decision.

Is.

Boring and is not worth your time. So, what that means is, if he comes back to you and says, I miss you, boring. If he comes back to you and says, I am thinking of you, boring, pointless, wasting my time. If he comes back to you and says, I'm so confused, boring. Pointless. Stop wasting my time. Your confusion is not my problem. If he comes back to you and says, I've rethought this whole thing. Can we talk? We can talk. If that's the case, if you've rethought this whole thing and there's a different decision here, let's talk. Even then, I would tread carefully. How do I know that you mean this? Let's talk about that. How do you know that you mean this and that you're not wasting my time? Let's talk about that. But that's a talk. You can have that talk. You don't have to. If someone reaches out to you and says, hey, I have rethought this whole thing, I'd really like to talk to you. You don't have to go, no contact rule. I can't message back.

Right?

You say, okay, if you've genuinely had a change of heart about your decision, let's talk about it. People are entitled to change their mind about things. We've all been there. But anything less than you have changed your mind is a message back from you that says, Hey, I respect that you, I get that you miss me. I get that you're confused. I get that you miss what we have, but unless the decision has changed, it's inappropriate for you to be reaching out to me right now. And then you leave it, and then you go back to no contact. You see that? Yeah. This is really, really, really important. This is your time we're talking about. This is your energy we're talking about. you have. Honestly, we have this much time here on this.

I know. That's why at this point, I. I felt like I gave in six months. I think it's just enough time for him to kind of know, you know, where we are, how he feels about it. Can we work?

No. But let me change. Let me. Let me flip that for you, Sabina. It's enough time for you to know. Yes, it's enough time for you to know. Stop putting the ball in his court. It's enough time for you to know where you are. It's enough time for you to know what this man is willing to give you.

Right, I do know what I want and what I want from it and I wanted it. He's not willing or he claimed it is not a good timing. He can't give me what I want right now. But by the way, he can then I have to let it go.

Correct, if he says it's not good timing, whether the reason it's not good timing is noble or not, doesn't make it good timing for you. It doesn't matter what his reason is for it being bad timing. And this is a mistake that I see people make all the time. They try to assess whether his reasons are valid or not. It doesn't matter whether your reasons are valid or not. The reality is still you don't want a relationship with me. That's all I need to know. You're not in a place where you can have a relationship.

He was coming back and treating me and saying all those things like he wants a relationship. and he doesn't want me to see anybody else.

Of course he does.

But he doesn't want to commit.

Of course. But can you hear that? Can you. Is that. Is that really what you're worth? Is staying in your box, waiting for someone to decide that they're ready to come play with you?

You're right.

Think about that.

Think about all the comments, by the way, that everyone is writing. I could see them.

Yeah, but, you know, ignore the comments because the truth is everyone has an opinion on your situation and no one knows how hard it is when, unless they're in it. We're all good at telling everyone else what they should do and leave right now and don't do this and don't do that. And then all of a sudden we find ourselves all up and in love and we start doing really different things than we tell everyone else to do. So ignore the comments. This is about you. It's not easy. Doing this is not easy. You're in it right now. It's your life, it's your feelings, it's your emotions.

But.

It'S your heart that we're protecting here, and it's your time and your energy. And you have to love yourself and your time and your energy more than to allow someone to dictate to you that you should sit there and accept less. until they decide that you're someone they want to have a relationship with. That cannot ever be the deal you make with someone ever, ever, ever. And if he, six months from now, and at that point he wants to have a relationship with you, if you're still on the market, okay, let's talk. Let's talk. Again, no aggression, no anger. I'm not going to say no to you because I'm angry at you from before. That's ego. No, if you, if finally you're in a place where you're ready and I'm ready and I haven't met someone, then let's talk as long as you're going to give me something very different from last time. But maybe you won't be available anymore. And that unfortunately for him, that's the risk he's taking right now. But it's a risk he has to take. You're not going to absorb that risk for him by hanging around.

You're right. Thank you.