"He Was My Everything, and Then He Left"

Whatever you think was amazing about this relationship, you're going to look back and it's going to be spaghetti in a can. You'll be like, I can't believe I thought that was the greatest thing that I was going to find. What's up, everybody? Before we get into this episode of Love Life, couple of quick announcements. The retreat is coming up in September 9th to the 5th, 15th in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, on the beach. Who wants to come and join us for six days of immersive coaching? Well, you still can, but not for much longer because the tickets are extremely limited right now. Go over to mhretreat.com if big changes are what you want in the coming years, this event is for you. Mhretreat.com is that link an announcement for all of our Love Life Club members. We, for the first time ever in Love Life, are doing live cities for members. In October, there is going to be an LA event, and in December, we are doing a New York event. Go to the Love Life members app to find out more. If you haven't already got your tickets for that, and if you're not currently a Love Life member, you can still join in time to join one of these live events and get access to the entire Love Life portal. And. And me being your coach for the whole year. Go over to lovelifeclub.com to become a member today. All right, this episode of Love Life, we have a question that came in. Podcasty.com is the email address for anyone who wants to email us.

Email us, Email us.

This came in from someone who is. Is at university or just finished university.

She's finished university. She's 22, and she's actually the same age as our intern ryan, who's also 22. And I asked him whether he would like to hear advice from oldies like us.

And I said, when did we become oldies?

And I said that you're 15 years older than Brian, so.

And I don't know if that makes me an oldie, but. But I. Fair enough. What did Ryan say? You were okay with it? Ryan was okay.

Ryan's nodding. Ryan's okay with it.

He's okay with it. So far.

So far. So we. We will keep this person anonymous. She hasn't asked to, but just in case, you know, just in case. You never know.

Can we have. Can we give her a name, though?

I'm going to give her a name.

We'll call her Wesley Snipes.

Why would we call her Wesley Snipes? Why would we do that?

Isn't it weird that. That was the first thing that came into my head.

It is weird.

Free will is an illusion. I didn't choose that thought. That just came into my head. Anyway, what. What should we call her?

Let's call her Ruby.

Okay. Ruby.

That's a nice name. Ruby. So Ruby says hi. I had a boyfriend of nearly four years. We went through the whole of university together and Covid. We lived together, met each other's friends and family. Everything looked good. We started having real problems. However, once I moved back home after university. Between the distance and the arguments, everything went wrong. I've listened to episode 161. I don't know which episode 161 is, but she says and I believe he just didn't feel it as strongly as I did. It's now been a year since the final breakup and he's been seeing a work colleague for well over four months. I'm lost and clueless. There is nothing more I could have done. I tried to see him so many times and he would always reply. And finally I decided to go over to his so that he could hear me out in person. I poured my heart out to him and three days later he blocked me. I know he's probably moved on with her, but he's my first real love and I just don't know how to get over him. My future and him as a person seemed so perfect when he cared. What should I do? Thank you. It broke my heart a little bit, that email when I first read it. I think the last sentence broke my heart because I think I saw myself in that sentence. Just that feeling of, you know, it's her first love, doesn't know how to get over him. And when she says the future and him as a person seemed so perfect when he cared, I just think, yeah, it's just sad. It's just. It's a horrible place to be. So first of all, Ruby, even though it's not your real name, but you know, through the email that we're speaking to you, thank you so much for writing in and sharing your story with us. I'm so curious to know what you have to say about it. Matthew.

Well, there's something so profound about that feeling of a first love because it's you, you know, or a naturally. It feels so important. And by the way, it is important at the time as an experience.

Yeah.

Like, you know, it's.

How old were you when you. When you had your first love? I actually don't even know the answer to that question. That's crazy. I've never asked you that question. I'm excited to hear the answer.

I'm not. I don't know if like immediately I think.

You were 32.

Yes.

When you met this woman in. I'm joking.

Yes, exactly. I feel like my first loves were, like, people I didn't even have relationships with. They're like people I just, in my.

Mind, loved from afar.

Not even from afar. We were at school together. I, like, would pass them. I remember once speaking to Michael Gendy, my friend who, you know, weirdly, you knew him at a time when we didn't know each other.

Yeah.

Because we have mutual friends. But I was walking along the pathway at school having a, like, in depth conversation with him and this girl walked by who, you know, I was in love with. And I just stopped talking. He just describes how I just stopped talking.

Oh.

Like, I didn't realize I'd stopped talking. But, like, she walked by and I just completely fell silent.

Breathing.

Yeah. And didn't like, I completely involuntarily. And then as soon as she passed by, he looked at me and just had a field day making fun of me because he was like, do you. Did you see what just happened? We were just having this really intense conversation and then she walked past and you just fell silent.

But I love her.

And then he started going, matthew has the love bug.

Oh, no.

I know that was Michael's way of dealing with it, but yeah, I remember. I remember being very much like, full on. Thought about this person all the time. Yeah. But it never, never happened. I still think about her.

All right, I think we should get back to Ruby. Okay, we'll talk about this.

You all get home. You asked.

What advice would you give to Ruby? Just to remind you. She says, I believe he just didn't feel it as strongly as I did. And it's been a year since they broke up and now he's obviously moved on with this other girl and she wanted to see him, poured her heart out and he blocked her. And she's just like, it's been a year. Can't get over him. Think about him all the time. Everything was perfect when he actually was making an effort.

Ruby, there is something. Firstly, it is such an intense experience to have those kinds of feelings for someone, especially when you haven't had them before because you have nothing to compare them to. You haven't yet had the experience of having those feelings again. And there's something really valuable about having the experience of having those feelings again. Because if nothing else, it shows you that it's possible to have them again. And often you do end up looking at the way those feelings present in the future and the kinds of relationships you might experience those feelings in. And you get to look back on a relationship like this, which, don't get me wrong, the feelings you felt were real and valid and beautiful for the time that you felt them. But there's a. I mean, I keep saying, I'll bet our house and you keep telling me not to.

I think you're.

I only bet it when I'm sure I would bet our house that you're going to look back on this experience and smile at the idea that, you know, this was it. You will, at some point look back on this and it will pale in comparison to what you experience later on. That doesn't help you when you're hurting and when you're in pain. But there's something about this, Ruby, that's a really valuable lesson to learn at the age that you are, which is that relationships are more than feelings. You know, when he was showing you intense feelings when you were together, that. That felt amazing. But what you discovered was that when the season changed and in your stage of life and in your situation, the season changing meant that now you were no longer at university together, now you both went home, wherever home is. It didn't survive that. And so you had this kind of relationship for a season, right? Which it was what it was for that season. But the kind of love that is really like on another level is love that is able to continue through seasons. And this wasn't meant to continue through seasons. It was a seasonal relationship. You know, you had. You went to university, you went to college for a season, but college wasn't for life. It was for a period of time. And he was like college. He was this experience that happened for a season. But I guarantee you, Ruby, when you look at. When you think of relationships, you really admire all of them, outlast the seasons.

I love that. I love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love what you just said. I think it's so beautiful and it's so true. I love it. I'm curious because if I'm Ruby, I'm thinking, yes, but what if I never love like that again? It's all fine it being a season, but what if this was the best season of my life and I will never have such an amazing season? I've lost the best thing and the best time of my life. What would you say to her then?

Well, I think. I think every. Every season brings different things. It Doesn't a. You almost certainly will feel that again. You will experience that again. If you're talking about chemistry, if you're talking about, you know, the. The kind of excitement you felt with this person, you will feel that again, Right? And it will be its own thing, because it's always its own thing. People are different, relationships are different. Every relationship has its own DNA. And when you have a new relationship, the DNA of that new relationship can be so special in its own right that it doesn't matter to you that it's different from the relationship you had when you were 21. It becomes an irrelevance. I'm not thinking right now like, oh, will I ever experience the highs of college again? I'm like fucking glad to be done with college. You couldn't pay me to go back to those three years anymore.

Do you still have those reoccurring dreams that you. It's the end of the year in college or university if you're English and listening and you have to sit an exam, but you haven't gone to any lectures all year because you didn't realize that you were back at college. So you're like, oh my God, I haven't handed in my coursework. I have an exam to sit. I don't know what. I don't know about the subject at all. Do you still have that dream?

I do. I have. No, I have a. My. My dream like that is that I'm on stage for a Broadway show and I have not shared any of my lines. I like completely procrastinated to the point where I now it's time to go out on stage and I do not know the script. It's always terrifying. Sometimes it's off Broadway. Like it's not always a big theater. Sometimes it's bigger, but it's not. Sometimes it's not big, but it's big enough that I feel like I'm ruining my life somehow. But I don't. Haven't had that one in a minute. Last night, I didn't even tell you this. Last night I dreamt I was swimming with a baby dolphin. Oh, that was last night? Yeah. I was in a swimming pool as well. It was really nice.

That sounds lovely.

So I would say, like thinking, I'm never going to feel this again. A, you will feel this again, but B, you'll feel evolutions of this that will get better. As we evolve, our tastes evolve and they. They mature and they. They get more refined. I'm sure for you, Audrey, the idea of, like, what excited you as a 20 something now is like, like not even. It doesn't register for you as attractive in the way that it would have then.

Yeah, of course, of course. I mean, I have been in Ruby's position in the sense that I have been. I remember my first love and I remember feeling incredibly like I would never get over them and they were just. It was. That was it. And it was my only. It was just. It was just I was so in love with them because I had never felt that before. And I can tell you now, Ruby, I never think about him. Yeah, I never think about him. I. And, and I, I mean, I didn't think about him for. I stopped thinking about him, I should say many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. And I don't even really remember anything about that relationship. I remember how I felt. I remember that I loved them. And I remember moments if I think about like, you know, memories here and there, but I couldn't. I can't actually pinpoint them onto a person or relationship. I can't remember us together. Does that make sense? Because your mind just moves on and you have so many new points of reference. So I don't know if that's helpful to hear, but I never let Matthew about the house and I'm absolutely letting him bet the house that you will recover from this and you will love again. And I really loved what you said about every relationship has its own DNA because what you won't find is that same relationship again. You won't find that same love, you won't find that same person, the same jokes you had, the same ways that you connected, the same things that you did together. But you'll find something different and you'll find something better and it won't be. You won't be able to predict how it's going to look.

It's like when you're. When you're like a kid and you know you get like spaghetti in a can. It's like the greatest thing ever. It is pretty good, but like, you don't know that you're going to grow up and discover unique.

Oh my God. I did not think you were gonna go to.

You don't know.

Can you explain what uni is?

For those of people who sea urchin is sea urchin and it's delicious. I know you don't like it, Audrey, but like, everyone's got their uni. You know that thing that they didn't know about when they were a kid eating spaghetti out of a can and.

That'S their favorite Thing.

And now it's like, I can't believe I thought that. I can't believe I thought spaghetti in a can was the greatest thing you could eat. I can't believe I thought that was the greatest taste in the world. You know, it's. Then you discover, like, you know, truffle pizza, and you're just like, what planet was I living on that? I guarantee you whatever you think was amazing about this relationship, you're going to look back and it's going to be spaghetti in a can. You'll be like, I can't believe I thought that was the greatest thing that I was going to find. I found someone so much more interesting. I found someone who sees me on a whole other level than this person ever saw me. I feel understood. I laugh with this person in a way that I've never laughed with anyone before. I can't believe I thought that was good sex. I can't believe I thought. You're going to think all those things. It's just gonna. It's gonna blow your mind. So it. You don't know that yet, but that's partly why we're here. Is it because I don't need to know your future to see the future in this situation? Because it's. That just is the way it's gonna go. And the pain that. That none of that changes the fact that you're heartbroken. What it can do is give you perspective on this, that this is very much temporary. But also, I just want to say that I'm not mad that you've had this experience, Ruby. I think it's a good thing that you've had this experience. To go and experience that. Firstly, to experience those feelings is fun and it's new and it's fresh, and that's a whole kind of new experience of life. But then to. To lose it is another really interesting experience of life. It sucks and it's so painful and, oh, it's the worst. But it's another experience of life. And, you know, to find that you went there and you said everything you wanted to say, which, by the way, congrats. That's brave. And it's open. And you got it off your chest. You got the closure you needed because he blocked you three days later. Great. Thank you for the closure. I said everything I wanted to say, and that was the response. Can't ask for more closure than that. You're not sitting awake at night going, what if I would have done this? What if I would have done that? You went and told him what you felt. And his response wasn't, oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. I didn't realize you cared so much. Let's give it another go. His response was, I'm blocking you. Right. That's valuable. That's closure. And the right person is the person who, when you express your feelings to them, turns around and says, me, too. What you have is the memory of these really intense feelings. But Anyone who's got 10 years on you, 20 years on you, 40 years on you will tell you that relationships are more than feelings. Relationships are people showing up, and they are people sticking with you when it gets difficult. Like, you didn't cry in the Notebook because he gave up. You cried in the Notebook because he was there through thick and thin. Like, no matter what he was like, this is my. This is what I'm doing. This is my person. This is who I'm going for. Right. I happen to think that he, you know, probably shouldn't have been building a house for someone he didn't even know he was ever going to get with again. I feel like that was a little much.

I don't think I've ever seen the Notebook.

Isn't that accurate telling of the story? He's not with her. She's married. He's still building a house for her.

If that's what he did, you're right. He shouldn't be doing.

Probably shouldn't have built a house. But my point is, we. It's a movie, firstly based on a book, but we cry at that. It's. We. It's so romantic because he was there through all the seasons. We wouldn't cry if she told him how she felt and he blocked her. That wouldn't make the Notebook a tearjerker. So I want you to think, Ruby, about the real relationships that you look up to, where you're like, I. That's the kind of love I want. And recognize that this is the complete opposite of that.

Maybe I'm showing my age in this, but. You know the movie Legally Blonde?

Yep.

You know how she's, like, really into her boyfriend and he breaks up with her because she's at the very beginning, and that's why she goes to law school, because he says, basically, she's not smart enough and she's too, like. I think he says she's too Marilyn Monroe and not enough someone else. I can't remember. Anyway, in a movie, Ruby, your ex would be that guy, not the guy that she ends up with at the end.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Would be the reason you became a lawyer.

No, but, you know, we watch that movie and we're like, oh, my God, he's such an. He breaks up with her and he's mean to her and then whatever. And then she goes off and. And goes to Harvard and all of that. But in that movie, he's not the protagonist. She's the protagonist, first of all. But he's not the great guy that she ends up with or the relationship that's exciting or the love story that we cry for. To your point, he's just like this weird side character that we don't like. And hopefully this is helpful for Ruby because that just kind of. She can maybe look at him through that lens.

I'm going to read a moment from the book that relates to what you have just said. Audrey, please hold. At the end of the day, remember, this is your life we are talking about, Ruby, not your exes. Breakups only remain devastating if you continue to make them the star of the movie. You're watching about your own life.

Very good.

In truth, the moment the breakup happened, their life, their choices, their successes, the romance or love they find are utterly irrelevant to you now that you're no longer with them. Who they are dating or what they are up to is no more important than who a random barista is dating in a coffee shop you don't even go to. They are just another person living their life. You're the hero of this story, Ruby, and there's no better time to be heroic than when things are at their worst. We love the character Rocky Balboa. Ruby, that was a film in the 80s, in case you've never seen it, Go watch it. It's very relevant to your story right now. We love the character Rocky Balboa, not because he was a winner, but because he was a fighter. So fight. Fight.

I love that. But, Ruby, definitely watch Legally Blonde over Rocky because you're going to enjoy it way more. I'm just saying, in a way.

Same movie.

In a way some would.

Say.

Few would say.

Ruby, this whole thing is going to make you a more interesting person. It's going to make you a more worldly person because you'll have experienced more of life. It's going to give you a greater empathy and compassion for other people who have been through the same experience. It's going to bring you closer to what real love is by learning what. What real love isn't, which is what you've experienced in this situation. And what is so exciting for you is it all the best stuff is still ahead of you. It is not behind you. This story you're telling yourself is that the best stuff is behind you and the best stuff is ahead of you. It's all to come. Think how good that felt. And now know that something way better is coming. How awesome is that? We are sending you so much love. Yeah, we know how hard it is. It really is painful. But better times are coming. And you'll get through this. Because we do. Because we're resilient. And you are resilient, Ruby. So let us know. Send us another email, Ruby in a. In a month or after you listen to this episode and let us know how it impacted you. Send us an email in 6 months. Keep us up to date with your journey so that we can follow along. And by the way, for everyone out there listening, if you haven't already, go over to whattosaynext.com because we have a free guide over there that shows you nine specific ways that you can spark up a conversation with someone new and connect with them. Ruby, I think you're going to enjoy it because it's going to create new opportunities for you, everyone else out there who feels like, you know what? Yeah, I want to meet a new person. I want to get out there and actually start connecting with new people again. This guide is for you. Whattosaynext.com is the link. Thank you all for listening. Leave us a review on Wherever you listen to your podcasts, they mean a lot to us and we will see you next time. Be well and love life friends.

Sa.