Matthew Hussey talks to Julia about a guy who won't commit but keeps her around anyway. He explains why men do this and what it means about where he is emotionally.
Julia, why don't you tell us your question?
Okay, well it's a little complicated but I'll try to make it short. I've been with this guy for about two years. We broke up eight months ago. For the past eight months, I've been in like competition with this girl online, like a girl he never met, most likely a girl he's never going to meet. So, and I also recently found out he slept with his ex a couple months ago. So my question is, he keeps telling me I don't want to commit. I don't want to commit to a relationship. But I feel like he's committed to her because he's always going back to her and me. So why is it like so hard for him to commit? Or is it just like he wants her because he knows she's temporary and he sees a future with me and that scares him? I don't know. Like, why is it so hard for him to commit from like a guy's perspective?
Okay, so he slept with his ex after he was with you.
Right.
And he's also been talking to this woman online. Right.
And me all at the same time.
Okay. How old is this guy?
He's 17. I'm 18.
Okay. So, what do you think might be going on for him right now as a 17 year old?
I don't know. I feel like he's starting to mature, but why doesn't he just let me go if it's so hard for him to commit?
And yet I told him just because he's selfish.
That's what I thought. It's exactly what I thought.
Because he's selfish. And because 17 year olds are selfish. That doesn't mean all 17 year olds are bad people. But if you want to, if you want to come up with a bit of a stereotype, teenagers are selfish. And by the way, he may be selfish for another 10 years, but he's not. essentially looking out for your feelings. He's right now enjoying validation from every direction. Right. Oh, good. It may be he likes you so much he doesn't want to let go, but caring about you would be to let you go. And he doesn't care about you enough to do that. And I think it's good for you to experience selfish men at this age, because meeting a guy like this and feeling attraction for him is good. The pain is good. The rejection is good. It's all very important. And I wouldn't wish for anything else for you. If you called me today and said, if I had a magic wand that could take away all of this and make him right for you and make him commit and not have you have to experience being in competition for anybody, I still wouldn't wave it. I would still want you to go through all of this and have this experience because it's really important for making you an interesting and developed person.
Wow, you're amazing. Oh my God, everything you just said was like on point.
So have fun out there, Julia. Enjoy it. Don't waste any more time here. You know, you don't have to be mean about it. You don't have to cut yourself off from him completely if you don't want to, but he's not denying himself other experiences and you shouldn't either.
Okay, got it.
All right.
