How To Be Sexy Without Sex Before Marriage

Hey everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. Today we have a caller on the line. Let's jump right to her. Her name is Crystal. Crystal, were you there?

Yes I am.

Hi Crystal, what was your question?

Well, I'm 28. I've had one boyfriend in my life and I'm still single. What is wrong with me?

What do you think is wrong with you? Be honest.

I called you.

Be honest. If I'm you right now and I'm calling in and you have all the answers, what would you say is wrong with you? What would you say is the reason that you've only had one boyfriend? I know you may not think you know, but if you had to guess at it, what would you say it is?

I guess I probably just haven't met the right person yet or I'm just not ready.

I don't think you believe that.

I don't know.

Did you really, you came on the phone to just lie to me constantly, Chris. How many guys do you meet a week?

On average, not that many.

Like zero?

Like probably zero to one range, yes.

Zero to one range. So I'm going to say, I'm going to have a wild guess at it and say probably most weeks it's zero.

Yeah, probably, probably being cracked.

So do you go, do you go out much, Crystal?

Here's the thing, if I do go out, that's not where I'm looking for guys, looking to meet guys. I feel like guys when you're out are not looking for the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Okay, are you out of interest? Are you religious?

Yeah.

You'Re religious. Do you believe in no sex before marriage?

Yeah.

Okay, so right now you're in. Did you. All right. That was. That was a good stab in the dark, wasn't it? That's a really great stab in the dark. I am really proud of myself right now, Crystal. Let's just barking. Bask in this moment. I I believe that right now. you have this idea of perfection that you want to find.

Yeah.

And this ultimate relationship that you're trying to find.

Yeah.

And that it's stopping you from even dipping your toe in the water. Where might you meet people, Crystal? I'm asking honestly, like, no. How is the through traffic in your living room?

Not that much.

Not great, I'm guessing.

Yeah.

Nor in your kitchen either. Nor in your bedroom either. So outside the house would be a good place to start. Now, I take your point that at midnight in some club on a Friday night, it might not be the best environment to meet the love of your life.

Yeah. Right.

Might not be. Let's not. discredit every guy who decides to go out because just because someone decides they want to go out at night, it doesn't make them a guy that's not viable. It just means that at midnight on that particular night, they might be a little too drunk to be thinking about things in those terms. But I would argue, I would argue that you may be a little too drunk on the idea of your long-term relationship to give anyone a chance at even meeting you and getting to know you right now.

Mm-.

Because doesn't someone need to start with a five minute interaction?

Yeah.

Isn't that where you need to give someone their jump off is to talk to you for five minutes? Should you give them the chance to talk to you without having to bear the burden of trying to be your lifelong partner?

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, 'cause that would freak me out. If I took to you, Crystal, and within the first five minutes, I got the impression that I was being held up to this ideal of someone you could spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't wanna talk to you either. I think you're a judgmental nightmare. Does that make sense?

I'm not that socially awkward. I can handle a conversation.

I didn't say you were socially awkward. I said you were judgmental.

Yeah, okay, I can handle that.

Right?

Yeah.

Now, how do you deal with sexual tension?

I don't think I really ever You.

Have, by the way, just to say, Crystal, you have a very sexy voice. I don't know if anyone's ever told you that before.

Oh, stop. See, I deal with humor. I can't handle it.

Ah, interesting. What was your immediate response when I said you had a sexy voice?

Joke around.

To joke around.

Yeah.

So we know how you deal with sexual tension, don't we?

I can't handle it.

See, you're still giggling now.

I know because you just called me out. That was good.

So right now we know that the issue isn't just that you're holding guys up to a certain ideal of long-term relationships. We know the issue is also that right now you're not allowing for any sexual tension.

Yeah.

There was a reason, by the way, I asked you if you were religious, and there was another reason that I asked you whether you believed in sex before marriage. Because very often in my seminars, I go across America doing these, very often I have a religious element in my audience. And I have a very similar conversation with people across the country about this, who because they don't believe in sex before marriage, they don't allow themselves to create sexual tension with guys. Because they think they have to keep that at arm's length the entire time until they've met the one. Now, I want to stress to you a very important distinction right now. There is a difference between desire and intent. Desire is expressed when you think a guy is hot. Desire is expressed when you say that he has a sexy way about him. Desire is expressed when he tells you that he thinks you're hot, you're sexy, when he is a bit mischievous in the way that he plays around with you and jokes with you. That's sexual tension, and it's very different from going to bed with someone. And understanding that distinction is what allows you to attract guys without having to go there if that's what you don't want to do right now. But if you deny that part of yourself and you do not deny that desire and you don't allow for a guy to actually enjoy being sexual, with you, then you'll never get someone who sees you as more than a friend.

That's good.

They will always look at you as someone who is just a platonic girl. She hasn't got a sexual bone in her body. And I'm just gonna say it. It's boring. It's boring. And I don't think you're a boring person. And I also think that you as a woman have a sexual side of you that you should never be afraid to express, even if the intent is not to go there right now. So when you're out there interacting with guys right now, I want you to free yourself up a bit. You don't have to change your beliefs. You don't have to change your intent about when you want to go to bed with someone and what conditions need to be in place for you to do that. That's no one's business but your own. But when it comes to desire, you should be expressing it. And when it comes to flirting, you should be engaging in that because that is part of being a woman. That is part of being a human being and expressing yourselves in yourself in a way that feels good. And also, by the way, I might add, do you see yourself as a generous person?

Yeah.

If you're a generous person, part of being generous is showing someone when you desire them. Showing someone when you think that they're attractive. Showing someone when you think they're hot. That's part of being a generous person, is being able to give that value to someone else and make them feel good about it. Just as I know when I said you had a sexy voice, you might have used humor to cover up certain embarrassment, but I also know that part of you enjoyed that. A part of you that will have felt good to you. So, I want you to also be able to give that to other people. Does what I'm saying to you right now make sense, Crystal? I want to hear from you.

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

Do you think that you could try and open up in that way?

Yeah, definitely. I think it just helps me to identify it and Know that that's an adjustment that I need to make in my life and it's okay.

It's okay. Now here's what I want you to do. Start going out there. You don't have to go to scenes where you don't like, but start being out there in the world and start enjoying. Don't even forget the relationship and all of that right now. Your goal right now is just to interact with men in a different way than you're used to. Focus on the first five minutes. That's it. It's really doable. It's super easy. You don't need to focus on where you go after that. Just focus on the first five minutes and having fun as a woman in this world. Okay? Mm-.

Sounds good. I'm excited for you, Crystal.

I'm excited for you. And I think this could be a really exciting journey for you starting today. So go out there, have fun and I can't wait to hear from you. And if you can, Crystal, leave us a comment on Facebook as well and let me know what you thought of this, okay? Yeah, for sure. Amazing. Take care. We'll speak to you soon. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. I really hope you enjoyed that. I think that was a super interesting subject for us to be delving into. And I know that whatever your background, whatever your beliefs, you will have taken something from that because I know plenty of women, wherever they're from and whatever their beliefs, who suffer from the same issue of not being able to be sexual or not being willing to be sexual because they're worried about what that will convey. And I know that hearing this might have triggered something in you that will allow yourself to be a bit more free and have fun. in the process. So take care my friends. If you want to call in and ask a question call in to 844-204-MATT so that's 844-204-6288 and if you're not following us on Facebook right now go and follow me there it's Coach Matthew Hussey. I will see you there. Leave us a comment let us know what you thought of this episode of Love Life.