How to Date When You Hate the Way You Look

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I'm gonna start things off with somebody who said that one of the things that where confidence has held her back is thinking that her appearance is the reason why she can't see seem to succeed when dating. I kind of want to speak to that and speak to people who don't necessarily feel like their looks is their asset and the thing that they, the sword they get to, to wield in order to get attention and get validation from people. And I want to speak about that, really, because I think that's, that's definitely a very common thing that kept coming up.

Yeah. I'd love to hear from you guys first. What do you think about that?

I think with looks, it's probably more common than ever for people to feel like their looks hold them back somehow because the standards just get higher and higher and the feeling of wanting to be chosen from a big pool gets harder and harder because of dating apps, Instagram, all those things we know about. You feel like there are these kind of perfect physical specimens out there that you know, are walking amongst us. And most people feel like on some level, whether it's height, whether it's your face shape, your bone structure, your weight, your shape, whatever it is, everyone has a thing where you think, oh, if I had that thing, if I fixed that part of me, if I could have that, then I'd be okay. I do sort of think that game never, ever ends. I think with looks, It's a contradictory thing, it's a paradox. You fix them as much as you can and then you have to forget about them completely. It's like do whatever you can with your looks and then just put it out. Like it's not important.

I'll never look in the mirror again.

And it is kind of like holding those two together because having loads of stock in your looks is also dangerous because you're always gonna, you're gonna get older, stuff's gonna change, circumstances change and you go oh my god I don't have my golden. My silver bullet was my looks, and now I don't have that. And you're gonna have to have something else, something else that keeps people's interest, that compels them that, oh, my God, you're so unique because of all these ways you're exciting, these ways you're sexy, these ways you're interesting. Those are the. Those are the long game things that matter.

But.

But, yeah, it's. It's hard. It's hard when you feel like this, there's something where you feel like I can't compete on that level. I'm not gonna be able to be that person.

Well, what's funny, when you, it feels like looks are the things that you have the least control over, right? And like the way it affects your confidence. It's like, well, this is out of my control. Of course, I'm gonna be not confident about that. But even as you describe that, Steve, and you just think about how looks are inevitably gonna go away, the one thing that's in your control and is actually always in your control your whole life is your acceptance of it, of where your position, where you're at. If you have a spectrum of acceptance and you can just accept it now, you can just save yourself so many problems down the line. When I was growing up, so insecure about being pale. Summertime is coming, oh my God, I'm gonna have to take my shirt off, I'm gonna be pale. And then as you get older, you just accept it more and more and more. I'm just like, why didn't I just accept it back then? It just would have been fine. It's still gonna be there. It ain't gonna change. But you have that acceptance spectrum available to you if you just let yourself accept it.

Yeah, that's interesting. When we become anxious about our looks, and if you think about it, insecurity can quickly morph into an anxiety, Right? The anxious thought is, I'm never going to find anyone because I'm not attractive enough physically. And that anxiety can be a kind of constant over the course of our lives. And it's always looking for a new thing to attach itself to. And it's worth paying attention to the new things that it likes to find to attach itself to because they There will have been something in your life that you used to worry about physically that you've stopped worrying about at some stage. And it's not because that thing went away, it's because your anxiety just latched onto a new thing and said, that thing doesn't matter anymore, but this one, this is the reason you're never going to find love. And I can literally track through my life different things Different parts of my body, my face, my hair, my height, and all different things that that anxiety latched itself onto at different times. I remember never told this story. I remember being in London with my dad one day, and I remember seeing a doctor, and I can't remember why I was seeing the doctor. The reason I was seeing the doctor was something like, legitimate. But my dad was with me, and he knew that I had been. It's funny you say the pale thing, Jameson, because he knew that one of the insecurities I'd brought to my dad when I was little was that I was really veiny. Like that. My. If you looked at my stomach and my chest, I had, like, just. You could see veins. I was translucent. And I remember being at the doctor's and my dad knew that I wanted to ask the doctor if there was like something I could do. And because I was insecure because I thought I don't look good with the shirt off because of all my veins. And my dad sort of gave me a nudge and said like, go on, you know, you can ask him. and I said to the doctor, well, I have these veins, you know, and the doctor said, well, pull up your shirt. I pulled up my shirt, and there was like all these blue veins everywhere. And he was like, I was like, is there, is there like a way to, you know, do something about them? And he was like, well, you know, it's perfectly normal. And as you get older, you know, that will change. And, you know, they, they'll still show in some places, but you might find the ones that show now don't show as much. And and I was like, okay. And I remember leaving that situation and it didn't check. I did. It's not like I went away feeling super secure about it, but I've never, like, since then, I don't know what year I stopped thinking about the veins on my body, but it has never featured in my life since. But it. That same thing that went to the veins went to something else when something else was available. and it's always looked for something else when something else is available. And as we get older, it looks for a new thing again. And suddenly a new mole will appear somewhere or a new thing will get added to your face that you never saw coming or your body or whatever, and that will latch onto that. So it's worth noting that I think, Steven, your advice was really good. I think that idea that you should do your best with what you have and then move on, stop looking in the mirror after that. I think the advice to find role models is really good advice. Find people who have fit your profile and they're doing just fine. They, you know, they found love or they're happy or they're not focused on it or they're confident or they're, you know, super attractive in spite of that and, or with that, we would be a better way of saying it, you know, that find those people because role models really help rob us of our excuses. And then lastly, I would just add, number three, know that the anxious thinking around looks, even if you solved one thing, would start looking for something else. And that's, you know, I mean, that's the story of anyone who goes too far with cosmetic treatments, isn't it? That you think by fixing this one thing you're gonna suddenly have arrived somewhere and never need to fix anything else again and then you look for something else and something else and something else because that's what that anxiety does to us.

But what if you feel like even though you become more accepting of yourself and you do the best you can as you say and then you don't look in the mirror, you still don't get any attention. Because I know that's a lot of people, we get a lot of people reaching out to us saying that that's their experience of dating.

I'm a big believer in firstly, the role models thing still comes in really handy there because you may be getting less attention than other people, but there's someone who is in the same boat as you and they figured it out. They either figured out how to be happy and not let that stuff get to them. They figured out how to accept themselves. They figured out how to find love. They figured out how to go and really connect with people. And those people are. It's really worth, like, those are your people. Get curious about people like that because you have a lot to learn from someone like that. That's. I can tell you now, if I found myself in a wheelchair tomorrow, I would immediately seek out people who had conquered that. I would immediately seek out who has, you know, in this time when I am now going to naturally reflexively tell myself, I am so limited, who here is in the same boat and is living more than I was living when I wasn't in a wheelchair. I would find, I would seek out people like that because I'd know those are my people. That's, these people have achieved the, the Jedi-like status with this thing that I need to understand and learn. And that there's nothing about that that is a patronizing Pollyanna style response to everyone's beautiful on the inside. No, no, no. Some people get more attention than others. If you're a person who doesn't get a lot of attention for your looks, seek out role models who are in the same boat and yet getting a different result or experiencing a different quality of life or a different quality of emotions and then become obsessed with their mindset, become obsessed with how they see their looks, become obsessed with how they see their life, how they see their appeal, how they see their value. Very, very, very important.

And you know what's funny about this really good advice to just play the hand you're dealt. Everyone's dealt different cards, it's just true. And I'm glad that you brought it up, Audrey, because I'm glad we can just say that, yeah, not everyone's got the same hand, but the hands change not only as you get older, but they change in different environments. Where is your best hand being dealt? When can you actually play your cards? And yeah, you might not be the the pool might not be your place to go. If you're like young and you're a woman and being judged constantly on looks because that's like the big thing then, well then maybe you just go in a different environment and think of it as not your dealt one hand like your whole life. You're dealt one hand multiple times a day. And what can you, how can you play it this hour, this hour and this 15 minute period in this 10 minute period?

That's really interesting.

I love that.

And I think, start thinking about what attention you value the most. Because I know, if you take, you know, we put content online. I know that there are certain very on the nose bumper sticker style quotes that I could put on Instagram. that would get a ton of likes and they would be so middle of the road, not interesting to me, lowest common denominator positivity and they'd get a lot of likes. But that's not the attention I want. So, I'd actually rather have less likes and post something I want to post because I value those likes more. and life is very much the same. You. There might be someone who's very attractive physically, who gets a ton of attention. But it doesn't mean it's all the right attention. It doesn't mean it's all the attention you want. It doesn't mean you need that much attention to be happy.

It doesn't mean they can hold the attention.

It also doesn't mean they can hold the attention. Yeah, that's for sure. Ask yourself, like, what's the attention I want? Am I trying to win the looks contest? Or am I just trying to find someone in life who really, really appreciates the brand that is me, who really appreciates the package that I come in with all of its nuance and all of its idiosyncrasies and everything that makes me uniquely me? Because if I'm looking for that person, I don't need attention. from everyone. I just need to keep going until I find that person. And. And that's a really important thing. When we're 21 years old, we just want attention, right? But when we get to a certain point in our lives where we realize, no, no, no, I'm not looking for attention. I'm looking for love. Then you really don't need to worry that you don't get the same attention as somebody else. You don't even need to worry that you get one 100th. of the attention of somebody else. You just need to worry about finding love. And finding love is a game to be patient about. So that you can actually find someone who loves you for who you are, as try as that may sound as a conclusion. It is playing the long game to find someone who genuinely falls in love with the package that is you, instead of playing the short game of I'm not getting attention. How do I get more attention right now? I hope you enjoyed the video. Before you go, do sign up to the 30 day confidence challenge@mhchallenge.com it's going to be a really fun experience. Live coaching with me on the 13th of April and then 30 days of completing five missions that are going to significantly increase your confidence for whatever goals you have in your life right now. I'll see you there. Mhchallenge.com is the link.