How to Finally Get Over Your Ex | Matthew Hussey

Once we know that, we don't simply return to someone because we miss them or because it feels bad because we have a bigger picture in mind. I was talking to a client of mine who was actually finding it difficult recently to stop herself from going back to somebody that she knew had caused her a lot of pain. In the past, she had broken up with this person because the relationship wasn't a good one. The person she was with made her feel insecure, constantly put his needs first, and just generally was quite nasty in arguments. There was a toxicity to the relationship. And even though he would say, I'm going to get better or I'm going to work on myself, There was no evidence for that. It was always the same. And so eventually she decided enough was enough. But she kept thinking about going back to this person. She had this feeling that maybe she had done something wrong, that maybe she needed to let this person back into her life. Well, I want to give a quick piece of advice here for everybody. It's really important to figure out what it is we actually want. And by that, I mean the values that are important to us, the culture in the relationship that is important to us, and what kind of energy we want to have in our life. And I said this in a video recently, and perhaps even in a podcast recently, I can't remember, that it's really important to figure out what our North star is. Our North Star is that vision for ourselves, our life and our relationship that we are driving towards. If we don't have that, if we haven't decided what that is for us, and another way of saying it is just what matters most to us, what are the most important things in life to us, if we haven't decided that, then we are simply at the mercy of our emotions. We are always going to get dragged back to whatever feels good in the moment or fear is going to drive us away from what feels bad. And the truth is breakups feel bad even when they're the right decision. Initially they feel bad. We're going cold turkey on a relationship right now. We're trying to get by on our own when we've been used to sleeping in the same bed as someone, when we've been used to having someone to talk to, when we've been used to having some kind of intimacy or passion, or at least some kind of connection, or even just the story that somebody is there, even if there wasn't passion and intimacy and connection. And we're now going cold turkey on that. That's not going to feel good, but that doesn't make it the wrong decision. What helps us in the moments where something is painful and we need to stick to something is knowing what values are most important to us, knowing what we are driving towards in our life, knowing the trajectory that is important to us. Once we know that, we don't simply return to someone because we miss them or because it feels bad because we have a bigger picture in mind. We've widened our lens so that it has space for more than just like a kind of a wild dog just looking for either to drive towards an emotion, pleasure, or to run away from an emotion, pain, discomfort. We have to know what it is we actually want or we'll keep going back to what we know, what's comfortable. And that elastic band of our life will always snap back to the comfortable position until we stretch it to the point where it no longer fits the same way anymore. And the hard thing about trying to get something new in life, about valuing something new, about looking for something that's better, richer, more nourishing than what we've been getting so far is that it almost requires a leap of faith. Because if we haven't had that yet, if that's not been something we experience, if we've had lots of relationships that are of an unproductive dynamic, but it's what we know, it's hard to believe that something else is out there. And what we need if we want to bridge the gap between our current fears of this thing we want being out there, and having that thing, the knowledge that it does exist, what we need is curiosity. I was asked recently on a podcast, what is something that I've had to work on in myself? And he said, Over time, I've had to work on trusting people. And I don't just mean in an intimate context. I mean also just in life in general, in business. Sometimes in friendships, I've had to work on trusting other people's intentions. And that they didn't just have some ulterior motive, they didn't just have some agenda that I wasn't just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And the problem with being like that, of course, of not trusting people, is that it meant I was always kind of looking for that moment when someone would betray me. I was always looking for that moment when someone would do something that would reflect an ulterior motive, that agenda. And of course, when you're looking for that, you'll always find it. You'll either find it in something big or you'll find it in something small. And the reason you'll always find it is because people are people. People are complex. If you're looking for the bad side of people, you will always find it because there'll always be a dark side to people. There'll always be a selfish side to people. There'll always be a moment where someone's better intentions or better side gives way to a moment of selfishness or a moment of carelessness or a moment of ignorance. you'll always find it. What I realized is that firstly, if I want to have a different kind of relationship with people, if I, it starts almost with an aspiration, right? My North Star in this case was finding or creating relationships that were built on really beautiful, deep connections with people that were the kinds of, let's call them friendships, the kinds of friendships I've always wanted, but in some cases found elusive because of that lack of trust. So my North Star became the kinds of relationships I've always wanted to have. beautiful friendships, friendships built on real love and wonderful intentions for each other. And so if that's my North Star, if that's my aspiration, then I have to start changing some things about the way I am to get that. And that started for me with a level of curiosity. Like what? what would happen if I assumed the best? What would happen if I gave people the benefit of the doubt? What would happen if instead of having this, albeit maybe slightly subconscious assumption that people disappoint you or that everyone's got an agenda, what if I decided that No, actually, for the most part, people want to be good. People want their best side to come out. Sometimes they slip up and sometimes their own agenda or their selfishness gets the better of them, but ultimately people do want to be good. And what if I behaved on that rationale and treated people like that? And maybe I could get curious about what would happen if I really recognized that in people. outwardly, what if I made an effort to see the best in people and to recognize the kind of the angels in them, the beautiful parts of them? And what would happen if I did that? And what's interesting is when you start with that aspiration of what's my north star? And then you say, well, okay, if I got curious, in my attempt to reach that North Star, what if I got curious about how my behavior changing might change my result? Even if it goes wrong, it's just curiosity is just an experiment. That's what I like about it. It's not, when someone says you have to believe that people can be better, that's a big step for someone. If that's not been their experience or if there's some trauma there or if there's something that they're trying to undo a belief system, it's hard to just tell someone, just believe. I don't buy that. But what can happen is when we get curious, we don't have to believe anything. We just have to run an experiment and see what happens. What happens if I actually trusted that someone wasn't out to get me? Or what would happen if I trusted that someone didn't actually... They didn't have some big hidden agenda. They were just a person like me with a mixed agenda. And they they wanted something for themselves, but they also actually do really want to do the right thing. And what if it was true that people had the ability to sort of morph and transform depending on who was in front of them? And what if the person that they gave their best to was the person that saw the best in them and saw their potential to be good? and celebrated the good in them. Wouldn't that be something that would make them want to bring that side of themselves out more? And so over the last few years, that's almost a game I've been playing with life, is to recognize the best in people and to encourage it and to trust in the best in people. And the worst that can happen is what? That I get taken advantage of for a minute. okay? But that doesn't have to create a story about people. It can just. It just supports the story that people are complex. And sometimes people's selfishness gets the better of them. For some people, it gets the better of them all the time. But that's not the story for everybody. So when that happens, It becomes a new lens. And curiosity itself is a new lens. Rather than deciding the way things are based on the story we've been telling ourselves for a long time, we become open to a different story. We become open to a different possibility. And we start acting in accordance. What happens if I do something new? Instead of expecting people to be different, what if I did something different? how would that change the experiment? How would that change the result? How would that produce a different element? And when we do that, I'll tell you what it does. It gives, it creates a new result, even if it's different and not great, but it's different. The new result creates new possibilities in our mind. It, if nothing else, it teaches us that what we've experienced so far isn't the only thing that can be experienced. and that opens the world up. So, I know this for some of you listening may sound a little abstract, but it's really not. What it's saying is you may have been making decisions in your love life or in your life constantly that have brought you pain, and that's a pattern in your life that you keep running headfirst into the same kind of pain. the beginning of getting out of that pattern is getting clear about what values we're gonna prioritize going forward. What we are going to decide is the culture we want in our relationships going forward, what kind of person we want to attract going forward, and then Recognizing, having compassion that it's not easy just to believe that something new is possible. And so using that aspiration as a guidepost and as a kind of a thing we want to move towards and saying, okay, now let me start experimenting with my actions from a curious perspective, not from a place of belief, but from a curious perspective of what might move me closer to that thing. and seeing how your new actions start to change who you attract, the kind of behavior that you receive from people. And that then becomes a very powerful thing because even if it doesn't get you right on target, it opens up the world of what's possible.