How to Flirt Naturally

When we're nervous, there's a jitteriness to us and we not. If you think of, like, what's people pleasing energy? When someone says something, as soon as you find a moment halfway through the sentence where you can agree with what they're saying, you start to nod quickly. Right? That's people pleasing energy. It's the opposite of seduction. It's the opposite of flirtation. If you haven't already, subscribe to the new YouTube channel for the podcast, you can do so at Love Life podcast channel, where you can watch the entire video episode as they come out, which I know a lot of people have been enjoying. Let's go around the room and each say, like, what's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of what flirting looks like?

I think it means showing a certain degree of interest in someone. I have this model where it's like, interest plus challenge flirting, which we've said before. But I think of it as giving someone just a little bit more notice than usual. Like, I might notice something about someone even if I was like, I really like your dimples when you smile. Or even if I was just like, even if I would slow down with them and have a bit more eye contact, be a little more expressive, be a little more intrigued. Like, noticing something about their personality. Be like, you seem like, you know, even if it was like, they like spicy food or something. Being like, oh, you like spicy food as well. That's cool. I'm into that. Like, even just showing. I acknowledge something about you that that triggered something in me and I'm noticing it now.

For some people, they'll hear the dimples one and they'll be like, oh, my God, I couldn't say that to someone. Is that something you think can be said on a first date? Or is that a second date thing? Or is that a before you've even gotten a date with someone thing?

Yeah. So I. The physical one, I would more come when you have. When you're like vibing on a date and it's going well, then you could, like, start. Go to a visual.

So that's like hour two of a date, right?

It's going well. Hour two, you're vibing. Then you can go to physical. You might start more with someone's style again, a behavior, even if it's a shared thing. Like, oh, you did that as well. You like, you're adventurous like that. Like, oh, I like that. Like, I like that about you. Or I. That's cool. I really like that. Me too. Or I'm really into that. Like, it's, you know, even if you just go, oh, I'm so glad you're into that. I really love that as well. Like, it's so cool to meet someone who is, you know, nerdy as well, who is whatever, adventurous, or the old.

Paris Hilton phrase, that's hot.

That's hot.

Yeah, it's just adding that.

Paris Hilton.

Yeah, that was her catchphrase. She'd be like, that's hot. So thank you.

But some people are confident enough to even just say, like, I like that jacket. It's hot.

Well, what I like about that is there's a. There's a difference between platonic language and desire language. And. And by the way, there's a difference between love language, too. Right? Platonic language is the language of friendship. It's the language of our buddies. Desire language is the language of sexual tension. And love language is the desire of intimate connection. And what you just said, if you say that, Jack, that's a hot jacket. Which, by the way, can be said as a very throwaway comment. It doesn't need to be said as, like, a very intense comment. If you're like, that's a hot jacket. I like that jacket. That's desire language. You're draw your. You if, you know, if a family member said to you that, they wouldn't say, that's a hot jacket. They say, that's such a nice jacket. Right. But someone you're flirting with using the word hot immediately charges it.

Yeah. Like, if someone said, someone could say, that jacket makes your shoulders look big. And if you're like, is that a good thing? And they'd be like, oh, definitely. Like, even if they said it like that in that way, you're like, oh.

They'Re like, they're not flirtatious.

Don't say that to a woman.

Don't say it.

That was a very gendered example.

That was a gender one. But yeah, that kind of thing about. Oh, yeah, that's definitely a good thing. Like, that kind of thing. And saying it matter of factly. It doesn't have to be like, oh, I'm turning on the movie version of flirting, which is all very, like, cliche.

I also like to remove. I. I don't want people to get the impression you always have to use desire language and everything you say as well. I mean, we were, David, talking about the example the other day of, like, if you saw. If you were on a video call with someone or even if you saw on their dating profile that they had, like a. You Know a Princess Mononoke poster on their wall and you realize from that that they're into studio Ghibli films. These are these Japanese animated films that we love. You could literally send them a message on an app and be like, I spied that mononoke poster on your wall. You know, well played, sir. Like, that would be a flirtatious comment.

Or do you want to know the reason? The main reason I swiped right. Why your Princess Mononoke.

That's good. That's like the sweet version of flirting. A lot of people are worried that they're going to come across too sexual if they try and flirt. What's nice about that is it's not sexual at all. Right. But it does carry an energy with it. And I think that's the way we have to start thinking about flirting is that there's a certain energy to flirting. So I want to. I want to keep going around.

I was going to ask you, what do you think of when you think of flirting?

I. I think one of the things I've noticed in people who struggle with flirting is that they are always one tempo. So they will. Typically the anti flirting tempo is fast. If you think of seduction. Seduction. The connotation with seduction tempo wise is slow. When you are beginning to go into seduction mode, as I'm not saying you and you towards them, but when together in unison, you're moving towards this more seductive phase, things start to slow down a bit.

Like slow R and B.

Like slow R and B.

Very seductive.

Very seductive.

Like Usher.

Where is this music coming from?

This is. This is a good flirting tip. If someone is telling you something on a date and you are finding it not just interesting, but really attractive, maybe they're talking passionately about something that they care about. You see their eyes light up. Observe them as they're talking. Almost make it so that it's like you're listening to them, you are hearing them. But there's also a part of you that is clearly just observing them right now as an attractive human being. And when you do, rather than punctuating every point they make with, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, okay, interesting. Which is like you're. I, I think of flirting like this kind of. I don't know what's the right way to say it. It's like a water balloon that's like, like being filled up and it's growing. The tension is growing every time. Like someone's talking and you're like, oh, that's interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, cool. It's like you're popping the balloon? Yeah, every time you just keep saying something or like punctuating what they say with a little remark, you're, you're, you're popping the balloon. And so it never actually builds up any tension, but if instead someone's telling you something and they start to notice you noticing them, you're not saying anything, you're looking at them and they can tell you're kind of also staring at them at the same time as listening to them. And you start to slow down and you really make eye contact while they're speaking. That can be a real form of flirting, but that requires you to slow down and be more present. When I've done, you know, TV show, I've done multiple TV shows in my life where they have put me in some back room with monitors around me watching someone on a date. Whoever is the kind of contestant on the show who's the subject of the show, they will be on a date or multiple dates, speed dating. And I will listen in with an earpiece to what they're doing. And it's amazing how many people go through entire dates where there's no flirtatious energy and only anxious energy. And if you, if I were to say, what's the hallmark of that? I would say it's speed. It's like everything is sped up. The conversation is sped up, the way they gesture. Gesturing can be a really powerful thing, body language wise. But if you speed it up, it starts to just gesturing just starts to register as anxious body language. The number of times they say yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, even on it's funny. Even if you watch a podcast, there are podcasts where the list the person who's listening keeps making affirmative noises. And even that can disrupt the flow. And that's not a flirtatious situation, but it's a good example. On a date, the same thing happens. Listen to how many times you make affirmative noises instead of just taking someone in.

What about nodding?

Yeah, nodding's fine. But again, like, how quick do you do these things? Like, are you. Like, try slowing down your movements. Because when we're nervous, there's a jitteriness to us and we not if you think of like, what's people pleasing energy? When someone says something, as soon as you find a moment halfway through the sentence where you can agree with what they're saying, you start to nod quickly. Right? That's people pleasing energy. It's the opposite of seduction. It's the opposite of flirtation. So we have to learn how to slow down that by the way that doesn't mean that the reason I said tempo is important in flirtation is not because there's only one tempo that's good. You should be mixing it up. When you're passionate about something, you can get a little more animated and you can speed up a little bit, because sometimes that the, like, passion comes across in, like, you know, wanting to get something out and speaking faster. But are you then able to pause and slow down? And in that contrast between those tempos, there's a. An attraction that gets created.

You know, it's so funny. My three words you've kind of. You've said two of them is, was tension, contrast. And it's not a word, but being in control. And I agree with everything you said about. To me, flirting is building tension. It's creating contrast. You're having a certain kind of energy one moment, and then you almost kind of hit them with something that really surprises them, and then you move on again. So, for example, you might be like. And actually, I think I said this to you early on in us dating. This is. This is kind of funny.

I'm interested. I don't.

I think I said.

Have you said this to me before?

I think. I don't know. But I. I remember that you were having spicy food, and I love spicy food. And I said to you something along the lines of, I think people. I think it says a lot about someone when they like spicy food. Don't you agree, Stephen?

This is validation for your spicy food comment. So you said.

I said. I said. I said. I said. It's. I think it's really. It's really attractive when people like spicy food. I think it says a lot about them. But that's quite sexual. I think that's very sexual. It's kind of implying. But I said it.

Was it date one? Was it when we went to the Italian.

No, because we didn't have.

We didn't have spicy food.

I don't know spicy food, but I remember we were talking about it. Maybe we were just talking about food. I don't know. But I remember that. But then I. I would have just then moved on to a different conversation. I wouldn't have lingered there. Wouldn't have put you in a situation where you're like, then uncomfortably trying to work out what to respond to it. Instead, you move on from it, and as quickly as you dropped it there, it's gone. And I think that's sort of attractive because people are like, oh, I was. I haven't even thought of a response yet. And they kind of feel it disarms them a little bit and it doesn't put that pressure on them. And then the in control piece, I think is really important, which is the best thing. The best flirting advice that I can give, I think is when you're flirting, just think about it as, I'm doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for a result. I'm doing it to try and push some buttons, get some responses, try and see if I can create a bit of energy. But I'm not doing it for them. I'm not doing it to get some kind of response from them or, you know, to. To make them like me or whatever. I'm just doing it because I'm having fun with it. And that kind of almost slightly cocky, confident, sure of yourself energy is really useful in flirting. Because when I make that comment about spicy food, I don't want anything from you. I'm just letting you know that that's what I think and that I'm a sexual person and that I think, you know, whatever. And it's kind of like it's not for you that comment. It's for me. And if you want to know more about it, you have to basically step in and play the game with me. And I think there's something to that. So, yeah, Tension, contrast, and being in control.

And we mean no offense to anyone listening who doesn't enjoy spicy food. We.

I know there might be a demon in the sack.

Yeah, we.

Cheesy pasta. I love cheesy pasta, too. So, you know.

Yeah.

There ain't nothing wrong with beige food.

No. So it's, you know, we mean not to say that you are not a sexual being if you don't like spicy. You could still be spicy and not like spicy. To me, one of the things this conversation shows is that when we're trying to flirt more or figure out how we can create more attraction with someone, it's not always easy to pinpoint exactly what that looks like. And a lot of people are very bad at telling us. They just don't know. They'll tell us, you need to flirt more, you need to have more fun, you need to build more tension. But they don't give us the specific ways of doing it. And for. For me, after years of doing this, what I know is it's. It's like a language. It's like learning a language. And sometimes we're not speaking that language. We're not speaking the language of attraction that makes someone feel like they can't afford not to see us again. And that might be because we're afraid. It might be because we don't want to get rejected. It might be because we were married for 15 years or 20 years and now we find ourselves single again and we're just not on that wavelength of creating attraction. Either way, if you want to learn what that language looks like, we have a free guide called the nine Texts where we've put together nine specific messages that you can use immediately. They're done for you to build tension, create attraction and flirt, and you'll actually see what that language looks like. So you can download this is free@9texts.com you can use the number 9texts.com you can use these either exactly as they are or you can make them your own. But what's great about these is you can actually use them to create more attraction with the people you're dating. And this can help with things not fizzling out, not fading, and actually turning into something more real. 9texts.com is that link. Download that now.