How to Get Over “The One That Got Away” | Matthew Hussey

If someone is telling you the obstacle is just so big that a happy relationship is not possible, then we can't tell ourselves that what we've lost is a happy relationship. I got a question from a listener who wishes to remain anonymous, who says, hi Matthew and Stephen, you have effectively helped me before. I was with someone and we both really like each other, but she got a heavy concussion right after we met. Now she struggles through the days and lacks the required energy for maintaining a relationship. The prospect for recovery remains uncertain, and it may take another six months or more to recover, and we have only known each other less than four months. Given the circumstances, she has convinced me that breaking up is necessary. So how do I let go of someone I absolutely adore who assures me she wants to be with me but simply cannot? How does one accept and cope with meeting what seems to be the right person at the wrong time? Keep up your amazing work. Best regards, a hurting heart. I wanted to answer this question specifically because I believe it speaks to a very universal issue, which is someone doesn't want to or chooses not to be with us because of an obstacle that they cite. How do you deal with a situation like that? how do you deal with a situation where you don't think it's the right thing and they do? And this is especially difficult in this situation because this gentleman who's written in says she even says that she wants to be with me but simply can't. And that really messes us up internally because now we go away with the impression that they really do want to be with us, but there's just this obstacle that's too big. It has us focusing on the obstacle and not what the person has just said to us. The real problem with this, and the saddest thing about this, is that there are so many people in the world right now who are going through life like zombies, who are not present in their lives, are not present in whatever situation they could encounter today or tomorrow if they met someone. They're not present in the joy in their life. It's hard to be grateful. It's hard to connect with life itself because you have this terrible heartbreak and this complete lack of closure that the person I'm supposed to be with is out there right now and I'm not with them. They become the one who got away. And this robs us of the joy of our life. It robs us of what could be a really beautiful existence. And the clock doesn't care, by the way. The clock doesn't care that we are stuck in thinking about somebody who's no longer with us. The clock keeps ticking. Our life keeps going, keeps relentlessly moving forward. while we are stuck in the past of a situation that for whatever reason seems like it cannot be. So how do you let go of this person? How do you move on from the one who got away? We have to start by questioning where this idea of the one who got away came from. in us. When did we decide that they were the one? And based on what? You may have been with someone and had the most incredible feelings when you were with them. You may have had the best time with them. You may feel like the memories we have, the time we spent together, it was all so so special. And because it was so special, it has led me to believe wholeheartedly that this is my person. This is the person I am supposed to be with. Now, of course, for that to be true, two people have to say the same thing. They have to say, this is the person I choose to be with. In a situation like this, the fact that they got away, especially in the case of this gentleman who emailed us, they got away not because he decided that this person's concussion was too much for him. He was not saying her emotional volatility during the day or her needs during the day as a result of this concussion or the fatigue that she feels or the way it has impacted her and mine are really making it impossible for me to be in this relationship. He's not saying that she is. She's the one who is citing that concussion as the reason why they can't be together. He is willing to do what it takes. So what you have in this situation is not two people saying, Let's make it work. You have one person saying in him, Let's make it work, and the other person saying, I can't make it work. It's interesting, I suppose, to think about when something is genuinely a situation of can't, and when it's a situation of choose. not to make this work. And none of us are in a position to judge whether in this specific situation it's a instance of can't versus she's just choosing not to make it work. But so many situations simply fall into someone choosing not to make it work. I know you want to make it work, but I'm choosing not to. Now, if someone's choosing not to, we have to ask, why are they choosing not to? Because in so many instances, someone is choosing not to make it work because they do not feel the same way about this relationship. that we do. They don't feel like this relationship is something that they're willing to do whatever it takes for. They don't feel that it's worth fighting for beyond the current circumstances. And this is a painful thing for anyone to hear when we're hearing that, well, the other person didn't want to make it work as much as We did, but it's actually very powerful to hear that. When we hear they did not want to make it work as much as us, instead of there's this obstacle that has made it impossible for me and this person who was supposed to be together to be together, when we hear that, that's a kind of existential cosmic what's supposed to be cannot be because of this obstacle. But instead, if we orient our focus to the fact that someone has chosen not to be with us because the feelings are not the same, that can actually be an antidote to our heartbreak. I heard a line recently from a book called My Year of Rest and Relaxation, which I think is by Ottessa Moshfegh. I am not sure if I am saying that name correctly, so forgive me if I am not. The line was, Rejection I have found can be the only antidote to delusion. I find that line particularly relevant in this situation because walking around thinking about someone as the one that got away, but that person chose not to be with us, is a kind of delusion. And when we can process that this person didn't want to be with us or decided they couldn't be with us, not because circumstances were too difficult, but because they didn't feel the same way about the relationship as us. which doesn't mean they didn't have feelings, which doesn't mean that at times the relationship wasn't important to them. It doesn't mean that you didn't have amazing moments together. It means that your standard for sticking together is not one that they have themselves, that they are not willing to prize this relationship above the obstacle that is being experienced. So, there is a kind of delusion in thinking that this person is the one because the one would value the relationship on the same level you do. They would stick it out in the same way that you would choose to. When we can see what someone has done as a reflection of their feelings towards the relationship and us instead of some kind of victim like reaction to circumstances. It's actually easier to separate because although it remains painful, although it can be, it can feel like a rejection. Wow. They didn't feel the same way I did. That hurts on its own. That rejection is actually easier to bear than going through life thinking that were it not for that obstacle, we would be together because we are meant to be together. Now, some of you may say, well, what about the situation where the obstacle is too big? What about the situation where we are really great together, but there genuinely is some giant obstacle that is just too big for this person to surmount. In that situation, and we could have extremes like someone is so far away and so unable to see us physically because of the distance that they decide it's too difficult. That would be an example of the obstacle is legitimate and it's just too big. well, even if we said that's true, it's just too big. In a sense, what that person is telling you is a happy relationship is not possible here. Let's take the concussion. Let's say that the pain this person is in is so profound every day that she has no interest in being in a relationship. She does not have the bandwidth for it. She doesn't have the inclination towards a relationship. She genuinely has nothing to give to a relationship. What she is saying in that case is that a happy relationship is not possible. And it doesn't matter if we think a happy relationship is possible, even if he said, No, you can be in ultimate pain every day, all day, every day, and I will happily give up my job to be your carer, to be there for you, to do whatever it takes, and I will be happy with that job. Firstly, I would question whether that's even true, because I don't believe that that is true. I believe that that's just kind of a thing we tell ourselves. No, no matter how bad it gets, I'll still be happy. I don't believe it. But secondly, the kind of happiness being described there, which is you'll ultimately be miserable, but I will be happy because I still am with you. That's not love. That's just trying to access a feeling. That's just trying to feel something. I just want to feel good by knowing that I still have you, but that is not a relationship. That is not love. That is just the craving of a feeling. And when I think of the one who got away and what that implies, what it implies is a true relationship of love, a true relationship of people who come together to be there for each other, to care about each other's happiness. Well, in the thought experiment where she's in pain, ultimate pain all day, every day, and doesn't want to be in this relationship, has nothing to give to it, her life is only made worse by having one more thing to worry about in having a relationship and thinking about someone that she wants to make happy but can't. In that scenario, being with him won't make her happy, even if it makes him happy. But if we genuinely claim to want a relationship, not a feeling, then expecting someone to be unhappy with us so that we can feel something is not that it's just a selfish act. So we have to ask ourselves, what is it I actually am looking for? If I'm looking for genuine love, if I'm looking for a real relationship, a real relationship, a beautiful relationship has to be defined as a relationship where two people can be happy together. And if someone is saying to you and they're telling the truth, which they often aren't, by the way, often someone is saying that there is an obstacle that means you can't be together. And that's not the real reason. The obstacle is just a scapegoat. It's the easy thing to go to so that I don't have to say, I don't want to be with you enough. so I can use this obstacle. And you might find that if it wasn't that obstacle, it would have been a different obstacle. Because the real story is, I don't want to be in this relationship enough to do difficult things to be in it. And that's useful to know. Once you know that, you know that they don't feel the same way as you. And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you? But if someone is telling you the obstacle is just so big that a happy relationship is not possible, then we can't tell ourselves that what we've lost is a happy relationship. What we've lost is actually a relationship that will make us deeply unhappy. The thing that makes us... This is the sad part. A lot of people who are in situations where someone has decided they do not want to be with them, go through life not only feeling heartbroken, but feeling like what they were supposed to have in their future, who they were supposed to be with, walks this earth living a different life. And that feels like a tragedy. That feels like the stuff of, you know, heartbreaking romance novels with sad endings. The person I'm supposed to be with is out there, and then we can't let go. and it consumes us. We're no longer living in reality. We're living in this construct. We're living in this fantasy of what should have been. But it wasn't. It wasn't. And I wanted to make this episode because your life is happening right now. While you're holding on, this gentleman who wrote in the final line of his email is, How does one accept and cope with meeting what seems to be the right person at the wrong time? Implied in that question is, How do I live with this knowledge that the right person is not with me anymore? And the truth of how you get over that is you have to let go of this idea that they were the right person.