Matthew Hussey argues that people fail to connect because they lead with their own credentials and stories. Instead, start by showing genuine curiosity about the other person, understand their values and problems, and make them the center before sharing yours. This reversal works in dating, business meetings, and anywhere influence matters.
Nine out of 10 people watching this video are literally doing the opposite of what would make people want to be around them, want to get to know them, and fall in love with them. By the end of this video, you will know if you are one of those people. I recently needed to hire an outside company to come into my organization and do a big piece of work. We whittled it down to four different organizations that came and pitched to us for one hour each on why they should get the job. What happened in each of these hours was depressing. If you have ever been on a date without any chemistry, a boring business meeting, or listen to a tedious speech, I want you to see if my experience here explains why. In each of these meetings, these companies, for the first 30 minutes at least of the hour, talked about how their business started, who the key players were in their business, what companies they've worked with before, and what their process is for working with clients. By the end of that whole spiel, I was bored, frustrated, and even a little angry. Because what I really wanted to know beyond all else is, do you get me? Do you understand my values? Do you understand the soul of my company? We didn't end up going with a single one of those companies, not because they weren't qualified, but because they didn't connect. See, we as human beings don't care until we connect. The crazy part about this is that we've been taught to do the exact opposite of what works. We've been taught to put our biography first and then worry about connecting. And we've been taught this since we were kids at school. We're taught, walk up, shake hands, say your name. But no one really cares about our name when we first speak to them. It's like going out and flirting, right? When we think of a good moment of flirting, here's what we think of. We have this fun interaction with someone, and a couple of minutes in when we realize we're having fun, one person looks at the other person and says, what's your name? We say that now with curiosity, genuine curiosity, because we care. We're intrigued. But when some guy comes up to you tonight out of nowhere and says, hey, I'm Mark, we're like, I don't care, Mark. We don't care about the name until we care about the person, until we feel there's a connection. People are taught all across the corporate world to go into pitch meetings and to talk about their company. Here's how we started. Here's our chief financial officer. Here's who cares we don't care until we connect. The speech world is filled with speeches where people start the first five minutes of a speech with, let me just explain a little to you about my backstory and where I started. Who cares? When we get up and give a speech, the first thing we should say is, here's something that will be useful to you. By the way, once I've made you care, then I can give you my bio. But before that, what does it actually matter if any one of those four companies had come in and said, I know you're busy, Matthew, and we're busy, too. Let me just make sure that I understand the problem you're trying to solve. What you really need is X, Y and Z. Is that right? Okay, cool. So what you're really trying to achieve is this and this and this. If they had started like that, they would have made me the star of the show. Instead, all of them started by making them the star of the show. We're adults, but we walk around life with this very childish mindset of, how is this about me? How does this thing solve my problem? How does this relate to something? I know we put ourselves at the center of everything, and maybe it's not childish. Maybe it's just survival. Maybe it's a practical way of being because it's about making sure that we assess how everything's relevant to us. Think about it this way. If I'm just the average person and you come up to me in that moment, I care more about me than I do about you. But you want me to care more about you than I do about me. In order to do that, you have to start by reversing your instincts and caring more about me than you do about you. Sounds simple. What that means is there is one simple trick that short circuits all of this. If you want to be important to somebody else, start by making them the star of the show and relating whatever it is you're going to talk about to them and their experience. What I'm always looking for are the distinctions that completely transform someone's level of personal impact. And this video, I hope, is an example of that to you, where it's something that once, you know, it seems so obvious and so easy to switch, but it runs so counter to everything we've been taught. Now, I know I'm not the only one who cares about this. Within this giant community of people I have who are interested in dating and relationship advice, I know there is a kind of sub community within it of people who love. When I talk about Anything that relates to things that could make them better in their personal relationships, things that could make them have more impact in business, things that could help them grow their passions. People love learning about how to be a master when it comes to people and communication. I know that many of you in that sub community are members of my Impact program and that is literally your favorite thing that I've ever done. Because it doesn't just relate to dating, it relates to your ability to make an impact and persuade and have skills with people across the board. Now, even if you're not a member of that program, but you're interested in this stuff, I have something very special for you today. I did a private closed door training for a small group of influencers on advanced techniques for connection and making an impact. An extension of what we have been talking about here today. For the first time ever. Today I am unlocking that free training so that anyone who is interested in this advanced stuff can come and learn more about it. All you have to do is go to this link, check it out. I cannot wait to see what you think of this. This is very behind the curtain. You're going to hear me talking about me. You're going to hear me talking about my company, you're going to hear me saying things that I don't come to YouTube to say. So click to watch that free training right now. And I ask you one thing in return. When you get there, leave me a comment letting me know how what you're watching there applies to your life right now. Because I want to learn more about the type of person that's really interested in this stuff. I'll see you there.
