Matthew Hussey breaks down why adults struggle to make friends and offers four fixes: show genuine excitement at social events instead of playing it cool, be the one who invites people to things, contribute something unique to groups like humor or energy, and stay open to different people early on rather than being picky.
I remember a few weeks into moving to LA about a year and a half ago where I had this realization about my social life and that was that I didn't really have any friends. And there's a certain stigma that I feel we attach to that as adults. When you're a kid, making friends is so easy. It's there's no shame about it. You just gather people as you go through school. And then we get to adulthood. we kind of feel shame in not having friends. It's almost like we feel like we should have made all of our lifelong friends already. For guys, they watched Entourage and they see this amazing tight-knit group of guys that love each other to pieces. Women watch, I'm gonna take a stab at this, Jameson Sex in the City, and they see like this group of four women that do lunch every day and just talk about idol nonsense. that drives everyone crazy because it completely demeans women and makes them out to only talk about shoes. I think there's an epidemic of adults not having friends. Let's forget get the guy for a moment. Let's forget trying to find a boyfriend or a husband. Guys, if you're watching, let's forget for a moment getting a girlfriend. For now, let's just focus on a slightly wider problem, which I think is also part of the problem in us not finding girlfriends and boyfriends, is that many of us just haven't mastered the art of making new friends. How do you create new lifelong friends? Four ways. Tip one, change your definition of cool from indifference to excitement. Many of us, when we get invited places, we get all indifferent, like we're too cool for school. We have so many things going on. Oh, see, I'm not sure if I can or not, but I'll let you know. I'll text you. I believe that the reason we don't show excitement is because we're we're worried about vulnerability. We don't wanna seem like we care too much. And in trying to avoid vulnerability, we act indifferent to everything. But that's no fun for the person on the other side. When I showed up in Los Angeles, I had a guy that I met and I'd say to him, do you wanna do something this weekend? He was like, yeah, I'd love to. That sounds amazing. His excitement would fuel me and I would like the fact that he was all in and committed. For a change, let's freshen things up. Let's be that person who's just 100% all in. they want to do it, they're not flaky, they're excited about it, and they're not afraid to be vulnerable in showing that they are into it. Two, be an initiator. Be someone who can actually create social opportunities. Going out for drinks, meeting people for coffee, going to the movies. And by the way, it's never been easier to initiate things like Facebook and Twitter and every other social medium allow us to connect with people that right now we do not know very well, but do so on a casual wavelength so that we can build up to doing something more with them. Many people are sitting at home getting depressed because they're not invited anywhere. But one of the quickest ways to get invited places is to start inviting people to things that you create. That way, even if they say no, they're far more likely to invite you to whatever they're doing the next night because they saw that you cared about them enough to think about them. That's how we begin bubbling out our circle. Three, contribute. Now, what do I mean by this? Whenever you're in a social group, you have to find your way of adding value. Now, it's not the same for everybody. That's what makes life and social groups so interesting. Some people bring humor, they can make everyone laugh. Other people, they bring great conversation because they're curious and they're intellectual and they know about things. They're worldly. For other people, they bring a sense of fun and energy. They're the life and soul of the party. Other people, it's money. You invite them and you know they're gonna buy rounds all night. For other people, it's social status. They have amazing connections and you know if you invite them, you're gonna get into every bar and club. Everyone brings their own thing. Now, money and status aren't great things to bring because you know that you need to be worth something that's internal, not just things that are external. And you may be sitting there wondering, well, what do I bring internally? I'm not sure what I add to a social situation. If nothing else, make it your positivity. You bring a great positive energy to any situation. People like being around you. It makes them feel good about themselves and feel good about life. But whatever it is, know your brand, know how you're adding value, and know how you're contributing to people. Tip 4 Do not be precious about who you hang out with in the beginning. Okay, don't go hang out with the crackhead on the corner who is gonna bring your life down if you start hanging out with them. But hang out with whoever you want. Be chill about it. You don't have to find this person that connects with you in every single way and becomes this best friend for life immediately. Some people you'll go out and watch football with. Some people you'll go out shopping with, other people you'll have good intellectual conversations with, but you don't have to find everything in one person. You know, I'd go to a party and I'd come with this person, but I'd end up meeting five more people that they didn't even know. And one of those five people ended up being the person I still know today. The point is, don't get so picky that you cut yourself off before you've even started. So follow these four tips. Go out, meet some new people. Let's drop the shame about meeting new friends in adult life. We all could use a couple of extra friends that we know have our back and people that we can rely on and trust in, but we only meet those people by making ourselves a little vulnerable. Speaking of friendship, go check out my Facebook. I am facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey. Go check it out. That's where I update with articles, videos, all sorts of stuff. By the way, if you are not following my brother Steve's articles, you need to be. They come out every Wednesday on the HowToGetTheGuy.com site. I'm not even exaggerating because he's my brother. Go read the articles. They're fun, they're witty, they give you insights each week. They're different, you'll feel it when you read them. They're a slightly different voice and they're not just about love life. Some of them, they go into other parts of your life as well. So I know some of you are looking for that real rounded approach and you enjoy it when we go a little off road. Well, go check those out. They're at howtogettheguy.com/blog. All his articles are on the blog. I'll see you there. Don't be so precious that you exclude people because you kind of don't like them, but they're okay sometimes. You like them in one area, you don't like them in another. You know, I'll bring Jamison along when I go out. Was that on the right track?
