Matthew Hussey coaches Crystal, a 28-year-old who wants to express attraction but worries her no-sex-before-marriage boundary prevents sexual tension. He separates desire from intent: you can show attraction through flirting and compliments without changing when you'll have sex. Expressing desire is natural and doesn't compromise your values.
Crystal, are you there?
Yes, I am.
Hi, Crystal. What was your question?
Well, I'm 28. I had one boyfriend in my life, and I'm still single. What is wrong with me?
What do you think is wrong with you?
I don't know. Honestly, I'm not sure.
Do you go out much, Crystal?
Here's the thing. If I do go out, that's not where I'm looking for guys. I'm looking to meet guys. I feel like guys when you're out are not looking for the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Okay, are you out of interest? Are you religious?
Yeah.
You're religious? Do you believe in no sex before marriage?
Yeah.
Okay, that was a good stab in the dark, wasn't it? Now, how do you deal with sexual tension?
I don't think I really ever... You.
Have, by the way, just to say, Crystal, you have a very sexy voice. I don't know if anyone's ever told you that before.
See, I deal with humor, I can't handle it.
Interesting. I have a very similar conversation with people across the country about this, who because they don't believe in sex before marriage, they don't allow themselves to create sexual tension with guys. Because they think they have to keep that at arm's length the entire time until they've met the one. Now, I want to stress to you a very important distinction right now. There is a difference between desire and intent. Desire is expressed when you think a guy is hot. Desire is expressed when you say that he has a sexy way about him. That's sexual tension, and it's very different from going to bed with someone. And understanding that distinction is what allows you to attract guys without having to go there if that's what you don't want to do right now. So when you're out there interacting with guys right now, I want you to free yourself up a bit. You don't have to change your beliefs. You don't have to change your intent about when you want to go to bed with someone and what conditions need to be in place for you to do that. That's no one's business but your own. But when it comes to desire, you should be expressing it. And when it comes to flirting, you should be engaging in that because that is part of being a woman. That is part of being a human being and expressing yourself in a way that feels good, just as I know when I said you had a sexy voice, you might have used humor to cover up certain embarrassment, but I also know that part of you enjoyed that. So, yeah, I want you to also be able to give that to other people. Definitely.
I think it just helps me to identify it and know that that's an adjustment that I need to make in my life, and it's okay. It's okay.
I'm excited for you, Crystal. I'm excited for you. And I think this could be a really exciting journey for you starting.
To die.
