In this conversational advice segment, Matthew AI guides Megan through recognizing early warning signs of potential cheating and the psychological pitfalls of labeling partners as cheaters. He emphasizes that cheating is a universal behavior, not limited to one gender, and warns that focusing solely on negative evidence creates a self‑fulfilling prophecy that can push partners toward the very behavior they’re accused of. Matthew advises looking for concrete red‑flag behaviors (e.g., a person who meets you while already in a relationship, excessive flirtation) and balancing them with evidence of loyalty. He introduces the concept of identity reinforcement: praising traits like loyalty encourages those behaviors, while labeling someone a cheater discourages them. The conversation concludes with practical steps—pay attention to red flags, avoid over‑generalizing, positively label partners you see as loyal, and accept that you cannot control another’s actions, only your own responses and the narrative you give them.
Chapters
Megan, what's your question today?
Well, I've just dated a few guys who I'm not so sure have been Facebook and more recently have been head on or asked out by guys who I'm pretty sure have someone else in their life and they're pushing the limit on that. And I was just wondering how you could tell pretty early on if someone's worth keeping around or if they're shooting their game.
Mm-. Well, firstly, I think you pointed out a couple of red flags in the beginning. There are always people who will give the game away in the way that they meet you. You know, if you see that person who has a partner and they're coming up to you saying, look, I'd love to get your number so that me and you can start talking, that is an immediate red flag that you've got to worry about. Because, you know, one day you could be that woman who, when they're with you, they're off giving their number to somebody else. Doesn't mean that they'll do it 100% of the time, but it does mean that that has to, if you ever get with a guy like that. It has to be firmly on your radar that that was the way you met. Now, it may have just been an anomaly in that guy's life, but you have to at least pay attention in the same way that every guy needs to pay it. If a guy started dating a woman and she, even while she was dating him, she was crazy flirtatious with everyone else. That's something he should pay attention to. That's what we all have to do in life, is pay attention. But why I would want to make sure of is that your views, when you think about cheating, do you think about it as a specific group of guys or does your feeling become now you're worried about it with every guy?
Oh, I like to feel like every guy.
You feel like every guy and that's because of the experiences you've been through.
Well, yeah, and just like things I've observed and I just feel like guys just push the limit on like what's appropriate and what's not when they're dating someone.
Do you think that's every guy?
I don't think every guy, but I've been very surprised by some of the guys that I found out are cheaters. You know, like guys that I wouldn't ever think would do that.
Are you ever surprised by the women that you find out have cheated?
Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah? Because sometimes I'm surprised by the women I find out have cheated. I think to myself, I can't believe that person did that, and she did. so I think that cheating, firstly, we have to understand, is a universal thing. It's not just something that's limited to guys. It happens with women, too. Now, whatever we choose to observe, whatever we choose to bring into our world is. Becomes evidence that we use for a certain truth. And if, for example, if I give you a woman who has been cheated on twice out of three relationships, she's very likely to have a view that men are cheaters. that's her world view, because two out of three times in her relationships, she's been cheated on. But of course, in her life, that really only accounts for three relationships. And if you think about it, three relationships wouldn't be evidence for anything. You imagine the Untold number of relationships that are broken and formed every day. Three is a very small number, and it would be far too small to make any sort of big assumption out of. Now, for you right now, my fear is that if you're focused on all of the times when guys are cheating, of course it's going to go up to make up a belief that guys are cheaters. But I could give you just as much evidence from your life, from my life, where guys haven't cheated, where guys have been faithful, where they've been the most amazing person in a relationship or even been cheated on. I think if you went looking for that evidence, you would find it. Here's the danger. When we go into a relationship thinking that, you know, guys are cheaters, the danger is we begin to attract that because you end up looking for evidence that someone is cheating. And the whole, the worst problem is that isn't that you'll find a cheater. The worst problem is when you start thinking of a guy who's not a cheater as a cheater, he starts thinking about himself in that way, too. In other words, it's a bit like if you went through a guy's phone looking for evidence. saying, I think he's cheating on me. And then he found out you were looking at his phone. He has a feeling of hopelessness that nothing I can do will prove to this woman that I'm not a cheater. I, it doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to trust me. And when people get to a point of, of feeling like no one's ever going to trust them, no matter what they do, they lose any motivation or incentive to be the right thing anyway. It's a bit like if you, if we were dating and you said to me, I know you're cheating on me and no matter what I did, I couldn't convince you otherwise. I now would, I'd feel like, well, she thinks I'm a cheater anyway. What, like, what's the point in trying? She, she already thinks I'm a cheater. I can't escape the label that she's given me. People genuine, generally follow labels that we give them. What's something that, what's something positive about you, Megan, that you like that people say you are. What's something positive that people tell you you are? And because they tell you you're like that, you like to do it even more.
Um, that I'm funny.
You're funny? Yeah. So when people tell you you're funny, doesn't it make you want to be even more funny? Yeah. Because you enjoy the validation you get from someone saying you're funny. Identities work like that. If you, for example, gave a guy a label of being loyal, If you said to a guy, you know what I really appreciate about you is your loyalty. You're such a loyal person and I really value that about you because it's such a rare quality in people. He's now going to feel like he wants to be loyal in the same way that you feel like you want to be funny. Because when you get validated for being something, it becomes a very powerful force in getting you to be more of that. But if you look at that in reverse and you start assuming that someone's a cheater, that someone's not loyal, then they feel more pressure to be those things that you say they are. Because they go, well, she's never going to think I'm loyal. She's already identified me as disloyal, as a cheater. So what's the point in even trying to show loyalty? None of it works. So the key thing I'm trying to get at here is, Megan, when you're with the next guy in your life, you can't control everything. You can't control whether he's going to cheat on you or not. he's gonna do that with or without you knowing, because that's who he is, right? So if he cheats on you, make a decision that's outside of my control. I can't make that. I can't change that. If he decides to do it, he's gonna decide to do it. I have to let go of that. But here's what I can do. I can influence someone by the identity that I give them from the beginning. And if I identify everyone as a cheater, that's always gonna lead me to more trouble than I need to go to. but if I can find someone who shows me signs of loyalty and then identify them as a loyal person and show them that I love that about them, then I'm gonna start encouraging this person to be more of what I want instead of more of what I don't want. Does that make sense?
Yeah, it makes perfect sense.
So start that. By the way, let me just add a caveat to this. That doesn't mean when you find this cheating, lying prick that you suddenly start going, you're such a loyal person. I really love that about you. Right. That doesn't. That doesn't mean that if you find a guy who gives you all of the red pay attention. You sound like a very smart woman. Pay attention to that. That's okay. But don't go looking for things where you don't really have a red flag, because all it's going to do is make someone feel like they can't win with you. And that's the worst way to start a relationship.
Okay. Thank you.
All right. Thank you so much for calling in. It was a real pleasure. I hope to speak to you again sometime.
