How To Spot the Red Flags (BEFORE It’s Too Late!)

But now that you're looking back, what were some of the things that did give you that notice that something was off about that person? What perhaps were you ignoring or oblivious to at the time? Sorry to interrupt the video, but if you're watching this and your love life is a priority for you this year, you want to meet your person. I have a free training called Dating with Results that is going to help you do that. And you can watch it right now. All you need to do to sign up is go to Dating with results dot com. I'll see you over there. And now let's get back to the video.

Her pattern was she unconsciously chooses men who are absolute disasters. And she says she's no longer trusting her own judgment and has become more or less a recluse as a result of it.

Now, is that not recognizing that these men are disasters, or is it, I see signs these men are disasters, and I don't make the smart choice at that point.

I mean, I don't know. But I think when you're repeatedly doing something, if something is a pattern, it probably means that you're unconsciously choosing it. I want to be careful in saying that because obviously people end up in abusive relationships and a string of pattern of abusive relationships. I'm not saying that people choose abusive relationships or abusive partners, but I do think that the definition of a pattern is something that keeps reoccurring. And by default, if something keeps reoccurring, we have to look inwards and ask ourselves, what is allowing this person or this kind of person to keep entering my life over and over again? So I don't know is the answer, but I do think it's probably an unconscious choice.

We have to start asking ourselves what were the. If. If I could do this kind of forensic analysis of this relationship and the way it started, now that I'm here, what were some of the early signs? What were some of the things that. You know, this isn't about blaming yourself for not seeing them coming, but now that you're looking back, what were some of the things that did give you that notice that something was off about that person? What perhaps were you ignoring or oblivious to at the time? What patterns are you consistently seeing in the kinds of people that turn out to be disasters about the way they behave in the early stages? What, you know, you can kind of do this pattern recognition across them and say, what. What do they have in common? Were there for each of them these kind of giant gaping holes in their histories or in what they told you about Themselves. You know, maybe they told you very little. Maybe what they did tell you didn't really add up. Or maybe it was the sense that they were too good to be true. Maybe it was a feeling of being love bombed very quickly by these people in the early stages. Maybe it was that you didn't really know anything about their life, or, you know, increasingly over days or weeks. You just never really got introduced to any part of their life. It all felt very much like it lived in its own world that, you know, was divorced from anything concrete in their Life.

Or after three dates, he asked for a small loan of $10,000.

Yes. Or that I told you I'd pay you back for that.

Yeah, you did.

What we have to be compassionate towards ourselves about is that when we haven't. When we've grown up a certain way, when we've grown up around people that have not either taught us what to watch out for in the world or people who themselves represented the wrong things. And so as a result, we have. We've not really ever learned to detect these things. Then it's not our fault that we aren't detecting them, but we have to take responsibility for detecting them in the future. And a lot of that is just trying. It's actually getting out of your own pattern. Talk to people who you trust and the way they get into relationships. Explain to them what you're noticing in someone or what the early exchanges have been like and see what the reactions are to those things. Because you may not be an accurate judge right now. You may not have ever seen what healthy behavior looks like, especially if you're inexperienced in dating and there are people around you who will have a healthier sense of just. Just do a gut check with them. Is this normal? Does this feel. Yeah, it feels a little weird, you know, Feels a little strange that you don't know that about this person. It feels a little strange that the dates always take place in this location. Or it feels a bit strange that you don't hear from them for weeks on end or whatever it may be. You want people in your life who do have healthy models for relationships, who can help you look at a situation and at least be aware that things seem a little off. And I would say, you know, it's easy. I would say check in with yourself and whether things feel a bit off. But when we're. When we have not experienced a normal relationship in a long time, we don't necessarily have that radar for when things are off. And, and that's where you have to start to. You have to start to actually look at. Whether it's in the form of YouTube videos like the ones we make, or this podcast, or whether it's through asking people you trust, you have to actually start to create a new framework for healthy that originates from outside of yourself. Because otherwise you may never. You may never learn. Thanks so much for watching. If you haven't already, go check out my free training, Dating with Results. If finding your person is a priority for you this year, if your love life is something that you are sick and tired of waiting on, you want it to happen now so that you can enjoy it. Go to datingwithresults.com it is a free training that gives you a roadmap. Go check it out@datingwithresults.com.