How to Spot the Right Person for YOU

[Enclosure] Choosing a life partner might be one of the most high stakes decisions we ever make in our lives. The right partner can mean the difference between ending up happy or traumatized, healthy or unhealthy, financially stable or unstable, confident about ourselves or highly insecure. When we meet someone romantically, they have the potential to amplify and add to all of the good in our lives or slowly poison it. So today, I don't want to talk about the generic qualities that make someone a good partner, like kindness, loyalty, or the ability to be a proactive teammate. No, in this video, I want to share what I've learned after 17 years of helping people find love about what specifically makes someone right for you. And this Insight isn't just going to help you spot the right person for you when you see them. It's also going to hold a very important key to overcoming rejections that your confidence may have suffered from in the past. By the way, I really appreciate you being here and you hitting the Subscribe button means a lot to me. I'm putting so much time and energy into these videos, and there's so many people who need them. I'm on a mission to help people improve their confidence, their standards, set new boundaries, and find a life partner. And by subscribing, you helping me create a bigger movement and reach more people. So I really, really appreciate it. So first, let's talk about how we wind up thinking someone is right for us. Picture a scenario. You meet someone who appears to be exactly the kind of person you see yourself with. They look like your type, face, hair color, body shape, ethnicity. It all lines up with a picture you've had in your mind. They're charismatic and charming in the ways that you find attractive. They carry themselves how you hoped they would. Have the kind of sense of humor that you love. And plenty of what I call in my programs unique pairings. They're goofy and sexy. Ambitious and able to have a good time and be playful. Confident and humble. Whatever the exact cocktail of this person's personality, it's pretty close to the exact blend of things that you look for in a person. The phrase right on paper is something we use for someone that we see on an app or who superficially has a certain job, age, and profile. But there's also such a thing as right in my heart, which is when based on the moments we've had with someone, our heart is fully convinced that they are right for us. So we hold on tight, hoping to God that our dreams with this person do not get crushed by the other shoe. dropping, then it happens. They turn around and they tell you that they've decided they do not want to continue dating you or being in a relationship with you. It hurts and it hurts badly. Not the kind of hurt that we feel when we seriously get betrayed by someone who we find out has been cheating on us the whole time or has love bombed us into falling for them only to disappear without a trace. These things create unresolved emotional wounds for sure. But the kind of hurt that we feel when someone we've deemed right for us rejects us is in some ways deeper, especially when we've decided that they are precisely the kind of person that we would want to be with. But in reality, none of the things that I have mentioned already make someone right for you. They may contribute to someone being right for you. but they are all missing one crucial ingredient that makes someone the right person for you specifically. To fully understand this ingredient that I'm about to share with you, we first need a reality check. We are all humans. None of us belong on a pedestal. We all have our stuff. We all have insecurities, patterns, and behaviors that are unique to us. And among these are things that make us awesome to be with, and things that at times make us challenging to be with. Look, me and Audrey aren't perfect people by any stretch of the imagination. We both have stuff and we had more stuff than we do today when we first met. And that stuff can and has made us too much for other people in the past who chose not to be with us as a result. Both of us have had our own heartbreaks where it felt like we had been seen, studied, and then plainly rejected for what we had to offer. for who we were. And at the time, that really, really hurt. But in reality, that's not something that should be held against those people. They weren't wrong for not enjoying the fact that my fear of things going wrong in life in general made me anxious a lot. Someone can be forgiven for not wanting to deal with Audrey's need to check in real quick just to make sure I'm not gonna leave her forever. Me and Audrey have this little joke that we are both two traumatized little babies. that another person didn't understand, see, or want to put up with the nature of the way that we are too traumatized little babies is not just okay, it's understandable. Maybe they didn't want someone as anxious as me or as sensitive as Audrey. That doesn't make them bad. We have to realize that someone can be awesome and wrong for us, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. There is such a thing as awesome person, wrong person. What I've come to realize is that I'm wrong for most people. Even people who look at me and think that I'm the kind of guy they want. They're probably wrong. But Audrey doesn't judge my anxious mood swings. In fact, she has compassion for them. I happen to like Audrey's sensitivity. It's what makes her such an extraordinary empath. Are my mood swings hard for Audrey at times? Yes. Especially when most of the time I don't do a good job of communicating that they're actually coming from a place of fear about something that's going on as opposed to me just deciding to be difficult that day. Do I sometimes find it tiring when Audrey asks me if I'm mad at her in the middle of a serene and relaxing Sunday for absolutely no reason? Yes, but we also realize that this stuff is what makes us perfect for each other because we get it, we see where it comes from, and we genuinely understand the specific needs that each of us has as a result. There's a lot of relationship content out there about how it's not our job to make someone else happy and it's not, or how if they're anxious about something, that's their responsibility. and it is. But like it or not, we all help each other get through life in one way or another. I think the goal for all of us in relationships is to find someone that we actually enjoy helping get through life and who enjoys helping us get through life in turn. Not finding someone who resents the ways that we struggle to get through life. In every relationship, we will hit speed bumps. It is an inevitability. What if the breakup you had with someone who you were telling yourself was right was just a car that fell apart the moment it hit an unavoidable speed bump? What if I told you that you'll know the right relationship because when it hits that same speed bump, it won't fall apart? And by the way, when someone does stay after hitting a speed bump that ended things with the last person, it'll give you a reference point for feeling safer than you felt in the past. And ironically, This feeling of safety might actually be the healing you need not to exhibit the behaviors that might have created the speed bump in the first place. None of this is designed to be a message about abdicating our responsibility for working on ourselves. Instead, it is a recognition that no matter how much work you do on yourself, you will still have issues. You will never be perfect. Most of us who do take the time and energy to try to improve on the most challenging aspects of our personality improve those things by small percentages. Self-development does not give us a personality transplant. It's always worth working on the parts of ourselves that are sabotaging us, don't get me wrong, but with a self-compassion that recognizes that we are never going to round out all of our edges. But of course, accountability matters. I recently watched the movie A Real Pain, the one that Ciaran Culkin just won an Oscar for. This movie depicts two very imperfect characters, but with a major and defining difference between them. David, played by Jesse Eisenberg, takes responsibility for the ways he struggles. And Benji, played by Ciaran Culkin, takes no responsibility and makes his struggles everyone else's problem. There's this speech in the movie where David talks about his struggles and he says, I take a pill for my fucking OCD, you know, and I jog and I meditate and I go to work in the morning and I like come home at the end of the day and I like move forward, you know? And in all of that, what you can feel is that he's a guy who's really trying. He is taking responsibility for the struggles he faces. But ultimately, it's clear that he still struggles. It's also clear that he has a wife at home who has chosen him in spite of these struggles. The particular ways he struggles would in no doubt make him wrong for a lot of people. But those struggles wouldn't make him not good enough, just someone who hadn't met the person who understands his needs yet. And by the way, if you want to be a David and not a Benji this year and confront your own struggles that could be sabotaging you, there is a process that you can do with me which I've personally put together using my 17 years of experience in this subject. A lot of you watch these videos and you really enjoy and benefit from my content, but you're missing the very best of what I do. My two day retreat. This retreat is designed for you if you struggle with a critical inner voice, self sabotaging patterns, controlling your emotions on a daily basis, or if your relationship with yourself is well complicated. I have suffered from all of the above in my life, and it became my life's mission to create a set of tools that helped me manage my emotions and my mental health and build a way more healthy and loving relationship with myself so that in turn I could attract the kind of love and relationship that I wanted. And I am not perfect, but I can honestly say I have never been happier than I am today. This work has made it possible for me to find the love of my life. and my life has never felt more under control. The retreat is happening on October the 18th and 19th, and until March the 28th we have significantly discounted early bird tickets. After that, the prices go up. So now is your chance to grab them at the best price that they'll be all year. The link to get them is mhretreat.com I can't wait to see you there, where I'll be giving you a toolkit that I guarantee you you will be using for the rest of your life. We need to find someone who is the kind of person who gets our stuff or doesn't think that our stuff is reason to break up with us and even perhaps through their special way of loving us calms down our stuff in a way no one has before. It's funny how we think that we get to decide who is right for us based on enough of our checklist having been ticked by a particular attractive individual. and of course, when this happens, when we think we've found that person, it immediately puts us in a place of thinking that they are perfect, which leads to all sorts of troublesome behavior and emotions on our part. In truth, the person who is perfect for us is far from perfect. They are the person who sees the whole package that is us and chooses it, both accepting our flaws while also seeing just how special we are. And when we meet someone like this, we'll feel more secure about ourselves when we leave their side, not less. And this is because they won't have spent all their time impressing us with their shining qualities. They will have also taken time to have seen ours. We will feel seen and accepted by them. And we have no idea what kind of person this will end up being or what they will look like. which is what makes a farce of our preconceived idea of who our type is and who we will spend our lives with. In reality, it's not just that love happens when we least suspect it. It's often that love shows up in a form we least expect it. We just don't know who that person is gonna be. They might be totally unexpected and they might not be your type, but you have to pay attention to when you find it, because when you do, it will really work. Part of accepting this reality and making peace with the people we have strong feelings for but wind up parting ways with is understanding that relationships are not built on feelings alone. They are built on compatibility. And finding someone whose complicated parts fit with our complicated parts, that is the essence of compatibility. Our job is to recognize this feeling when we feel it. It's a feeling of coming home. And it is a homecoming that is born out of meeting one of our most fundamental needs. The need to be seen, accepted, and loved just as we are. Mr. Rogers once said, When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is. The lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade. And of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way. This isn't just the kind of love you deserve. It's the kind of love you need to be happy. And while finding that kind of love is never promised, it is absolutely possible for everyone. 20 years of experience has shown me that. You just have to do the right things. And that starts, as Mr. Rogers said, by giving ourselves this kind of love that we one day hope to receive from another person. And if you don't know how to give yourself this kind of love, come join me in October and I will show you in those two days on the retreat.