How to Truly LET GO and MOVE ON From a Breakup

It involves us realizing, oh my God, I was occupying a different planet than you were. I was on planet, aren't we so happy? And you were on planet, I'm constantly questioning this, and I'm wondering when's the best time to break up with you? We have a question that was sent in to podcast@matthewhussy.com this email is from anonymous. She did ask to remain anonymous, so we will honor that. she says, hello. I sent you an email a few weeks back when I was struggling through the beginnings of a breakup. I'm still in the thick of it and have been listening to your podcast non-stop you guys are the best and have offered me so much insight, even though it is still so, so difficult. Me and my ex have reached the stage of our breakup where I'm beginning to realize it's over for good. That's a really hard stage, isn't it? When you realize like those the it's truly landed. as a realization that, oh, there's no more hope. This is done. I broke no contact to ask him if there was anything I could do to change his decision. And he said, I miss you, but I'm not going to change my decision. I remember a situation like that where I thought they're gonna have a turnaround. They're gonna come to their senses. They're gonna like. And you know when people, friends are being like, positive around you, they'll all tell you, like, they're gonna realize that, oh, you just watch, they're gonna regret this one. I remember getting a text from someone where they said, you know, I know this is really hard for the both of us, but I just know it's the right thing. And that it was like, that was the most painful moment of the breakup for me because it, it was, it confirmed what all of the hopes I had of, like, they're going to realize what a mistake they've made. And I'm going to get to say, I told you so. Evaporated. And the reality of, oh, this person doesn't think they've made a mistake, landed with me. And then, like, it was doubly painful. She said, I feel so undervalued. He said, it's nothing I have done wrong. And he didn't stop loving me, but he just doesn't think we're quite right for each other. It's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. I feel so small and insignificant that he's seen all of my true colors and values and efforts yet wants nothing to do with me. I'm beginning to see him as a different person. He's distant and cold. We don't speak now. He asked me to stop talking to him. I was planning on doing that anyway, but he said it in a snappy and irritated way as if I was a nuisance to him for conveying my feelings to him about being dumped. He is becoming a stranger and a distant memory in my mind. It feels weird. I was once so close and so in love and so enamored and happy with this person. It feels wrong to let them slip away. I don't want to let their memory go, but I also know it's a step in my healing. Please help me. I don't know how to cope with watching my love become a stranger. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let them go. Thank you for reading. God, could any email sum up more perfectly the pain of a breakup and the way that it confuses, confounds, inverts our reality, where it takes this person we were closer to than anyone in the world and has them revert back to being a perfect stranger in our lives and the coldness with which someone can seemingly just amputate the relationship from their lives when we can't even imagine letting them go. And we're watching them almost become colder by the second. Now they're not just letting go of us, they're irritated that we're even expressing our feelings to them. And there's this fundamental disconnect, which is actually reflected in this email where he's feeling this way, like, hey, I don't need any more of your thoughts and feelings and starting to feel irritated by it. And her side, which is, it's, she says, it's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. that is the complete contrast between the two positions. And it's part of the madness that we feel when someone's breaking up with us and we have a completely different set of emotions than they do. That you're perfect for me and I can't let you go and you can't seem to get away quick enough. and the longer we hold on to this story, this idea that they're perfect for us, the longer we hold on to this, what seems like a fundamental incompatibility between these two realities. And actually, I think a huge part of the grieving process in any breakup, and it is a grieving process, is to have these two realities actually start to merge into one reality. and the one reality is that actually what this has revealed is that he is not perfect for you. What this has revealed is that despite having had wonderful times with this person, which I'm sure you did, I'm sure you can think of many good memories in the relationship. there was a real disconnect between the way you have been feeling and the way they have been feeling. And accepting that they have been living in a very different reality than the one you've been living in is actually a big part of the healing. It's one of the most painful parts because it involves a kind of rewriting of some of that history at the very least. It involves us realizing, oh my God, I was occupying a different planet than you were. I was on planet, aren't we so happy? And you were on planet, I'm constantly questioning this and I'm wondering when's the best time to break up with you. That can feel intensely painful. It can even feel intensely embarrassing. But what was I, what I was living in a dream. I was just, I was on my own. I thought we were together in this and I was having all of these thoughts and all of these feelings on my own. That's one of the most painful experiences we can go through. But when we realize that, beyond the initial pain of that realization, it actually gets easier. Because now we can stop thinking of this person as the love of our life. You can't be the love of my life if while I was living in this romantic vision of what we were, you were wondering when to make your exit. That means the most romantic part of this relationship was actually me. I was the real love story of this relationship. The way I'm able to love was the real love story of this relationship. and that's a, that's a love story that will continue in your life. Someone once said to me, and I thought it was so powerful, I was going through a very bad heartbreak, and they said to me, Matthew, you have to remember that you saw the best of yourself in that relationship. And that doesn't mean I didn't do anything wrong, and it doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes or that my love didn't make me act out in ways that I'm not proud of and would have done differently if I was more secure in that moment, but But the part of me that was able to love that intensely, that purely, the part of me that was able to give that much or fall that hard is one of the most beautiful parts of me. That's the part of us that we want to protect. And there's a world where we are both where we become proud of ourselves, proud of that part of us that was able to love in that way and simultaneously realized that it was pointed at the wrong person. We didn't know it at the time, or maybe we did a little bit. Maybe some part of us did sense something, but even if we didn't, we have come to realize that that beautiful part of us, all that energy, all of that love was pointed at someone who ultimately ended up being the wrong person for it. And more than that, it's now pointed at someone who's behaving with total indifference towards us, even irritability at the idea that we are struggling to let go of this beautiful, beautiful thing that we thought we had. And when you realize that, you can start to realize that Oh, this person doesn't deserve this part of me. The question is not, how do I let this person go? Who's the love of my life? Who's perfect for me? No, the point becomes, this person does not deserve all of this from me. Someone who doesn't value me, someone who shows such indifference towards me, someone who doesn't want to be on this path with me does not deserve this part of me. And someone out there does. And to your point about, you know, I gave him everything, you know, he saw my true colors and values and efforts and wants nothing to do with me. It's extremely easy to take that as a kind of A true damning conclusion about our own worth. That must mean I'm worth nothing. If someone can be the closest person to me and see everything I have to give and everything that I am on the deepest level and reject that, that is an ultimate rejection. It's the ultimate rejection. It's tempting to think that way, but it's actually not true. The reason this person left can have many different origins. It could be to do with where they're at in their life. It could be to do with what they think they want right now, which may or may not be something that ends up making them happy. Have you ever wanted something really, really badly and told yourself, this is the answer I need. I don't want this job. I need a job like this. And then you got that job, and it made you even less happy. happy, where you thought, I know what I need to do. I need to move to this country. And then you moved there and it didn't make you happy at all. Or you moved to five different countries and you came to realize that none of these countries made you happy. None of these cities were suddenly this Paradise that you thought it would be. Because the reality was you were continually running from something, hoping that you were going to find a different experience when you got there. not realizing that the unhappiness was coming from within. Someone being with you and getting everything from you and then taking it for granted can have far more to do with their value system or their idea about what's going to make them happy that they don't even know for sure is true. Then it has to do with your value. But what is true is that you can't be around people in life who take what you have to give for granted. That has to be the role. I cannot be around people, friends, partners, especially the person we're going to spend our life with, who do not value and who take for granted who I am and what I have to offer and what I have offered. That's the real story here. It is not a story of how you have no value, is a story. of how this person has ceased to have any value for you and no longer deserves this cannon of love that you have pointed at them because you've convinced yourself that this is the perfect person. What you now have to do is reason with the part of you that thinks that understand that this is an old script that this person is speaking from another time and another mindset, but they keep saying the same words, not realizing that these words are now well and truly out of date. And the wiser, larger part of you now has to reason with that person and let them know that the story has changed and needs to comfort them in knowing that a better story awaits. Wow. Mic drop. Thank you so much for watching the video. As always, if you're finishing this video with more questions, which is often the case, you know, you may be thinking of a very specific scenario that you're in right now that you really feel like you want me to weigh in on. I have a way that you can do that right now, literally, where you can get my in the next 60 seconds, go over to askmh.com because we have a brand new tool called Matthew AI where you can speak your question and you can take as long as you want and give as many details and as much context as you want and you will hear my voice answering your question. It is extraordinary how sophisticated this is. It's trained on 17 years of my content. so you're not just getting any answer, you're getting my answer to your specific challenge. If you're in pain, especially right now, I promise you that by the end of your conversation with Matthew AI, you are going to feel a lot better than you do right now. So go to askmh.com and you can try it out. You can try it out for free, by the way, so there's no cost just to trying it. And let me know how you get on. I'll see you in the next video. Be well and love life.