How to Turn OVER-OBSESSING in Early Dating Into an ADVANTAGE

From Elton and he said that I'll unintentionally sabotage myself because I'm nervous instead of just being calm and enjoying it.

You have to firstly see the nerves as a symptom. The nerves are a symptom of having put this situation, this person on a pedestal. And now I'm going to get incredibly nervous because I've told myself that it means something really significant if nothing comes of this. You know, I've either lost someone amazing or I've just come away from it thinking, I'm not good because they didn't like me. And so why I, if, if this doesn't go well, then I'm going to go away feeling like I'm not worthy and I'm not good enough and that this is some kind of stamp on my value in dating. And so we get nervous if you can. actually dilute that idea, like we just said, of how great this person is, because they're not, they don't deserve to be put on this crazy pedestal. And at the same time, realise that if this person doesn't want what you have to offer, that isn't a sign of your value. That doesn't have to have some great meaning about what your value or what your potential is in life. Before you carry on with the video, I wanted to tell you about something really valuable for anyone who is struggling to move on from somebody right now. It's a free video training. This is gonna help you build yourself back to a place of confidence, whether it's having the confidence to reach back out to that person, but in a powerful high value way, or whether it's the confidence to move on from them once and for all. Check it out@moveonstrong.com. .com, it's a great training and it's completely free. Back to the video. And that there is someone else for whom you will be right. So you don't need to have this feeling of panic of if this person doesn't like me, it means something greater. No, if this person doesn't like you, that's not your person.

Or if this person only likes you because you gave like a perfect 10 landing with the perfect date, the perfect line, whatever, the perfect first two weeks. Is that really the person you want to be with?

Right.

Like that you always say the right relationship isn't brittle, but it's kind of like the right first couple weeks isn't really brittle either.

Yeah.

Not terribly brittle.

And by the way, if you're on a date and you're nervous, understand that that's not uncommon that people who have zero nerves have off, you know, that's not that's not often a desirable position to be in, to have zero nerves. Sometimes having zero nerves is a reflection of a kind of detachment or numbness. So I don't know that the aspiration is to have absolutely no, you know, call them nerves, call it just as excitement. You can kind of choose different words for it at that level. But the person who's not in any way connected to that feeling, is to some extent someone who's not really living.

It's true.

I find with any emotion of nerves or anxiety in life, you know, you're going to do a public talk, you're going to do a big pitch, you're about to go and pitch your book at an important agency or something, and oh my God, I hope they're going to like it. My reframe often is just curiosity. It's just looking at it and going, this is a fun situation. What an interesting situation I'm in. Like, I'm going to pitch to this person and they're gonna say yes or no. What an interesting life experience this is. Or I'm gonna give this speech on stage. What an interesting feeling this is that I'm gonna have or an interesting experience. And you can do that with a person as well of just, if you target to, I'm gonna learn something about them. I'm gonna learn something about myself. I'm going to practice something that makes me a little uncomfortable. If you can go to a curious place in those moments, you actually relax a bit more because it's more about just, I'm going to see how this feels to stand on stage and talk about something to an audience. And that's all it is. Then you're in a different mindset than, oh my God, please like me. Please let this go well.

Very good. I have another one which sounds similar, but I actually would like you guys to approach this one from a practical standpoint. So somebody wrote in and said that their biggest fear was not making a good first impression and that she always feels inadequate. From how to put your best foot forward in the first few dates and early dating, can you give us some practical thoughts on how to do that?

Well, I actually think that the fear of having not made a good first impression or of saying the wrong thing is so intensely human. So, you know, there are people who we would all look up to and say, oh, my God, they're so wise. They're so established. They have so much status. And yet they can still be in a room and say something and leave and go, that was really dumb. Why did I say that? that's. We're all capable of doing that at any point. To me, what separates people is there are people who ruminate obsessively over that thing that they said. And there are people who are proactive about looking at it and going, okay, what would I like to say differently next time? Or why? Why am I not? Why do I not love that I said that? And then going, you know, I remember I told a story recently, and afterwards I just went, I don't like that story anymore. I remember thinking it, I told it like a hundred times, but afterwards I-.

It's not a story. I'm not telling it one more time. no, it's done.

But that was the point. I remember I told that story and I was like, I don't like that story anymore. I don't actually, it doesn't resonate with me. I think it's kind of stupid. I don't like it the way I come across. And I just retired it. I was just like, oh, that's it. That was the last time I'm ever telling that story. I've outgrown it.

And.

That'S useful. When you go home from a date and you know, like, ah, that was, I wouldn't say that again. Don't ignore that. You know, use it because it's useful. That's how our impact improves is by paying attention to those things. Where our impact gets worse is if we obsessively ruminate over those things. That's looking backwards. There's I say it all the time because I really I think this is such an elegant phrase that encapsulates so much, but there's you can wait or you can create. waiting is rumination. Waiting is, I can't believe I said that. Oh, my God. And creating is, well, what? How would I say it next time? What would I do differently? How do I want to show up to that relationship or that person the next time I see them? Or if that person never calls me again, then how is what I did there on that date going to inform every other day I go on for the rest of my life? That, by the way, that's. You should make mistakes, pay many, many dividends. Like that. They should be so valuable. When you feel like you said something stupid or when you feel like you did something that you should make, like make that work for you for the rest of your life. Like that mistake is going to be working hard for me. And then get ridiculous amounts of value out of it. if I make a public speaking mistake, then I want to earn dividends from that in every speech I do for the rest of my life. And then I can celebrate that mistake, which I do, by the way. I'd celebrate those things. I'm like, man, okay, maybe that with that particular group, I said that thing and, you know, it's annoying. I'm a bit annoyed that now I've created a bit of an impression with that group or whatever, but. that's not the only group in the world. There are so many groups. There are so many new things I'm gonna do that the number of people I'm gonna meet in my life from this day forward is so much more important than that one last week. So let me take what just happened in that group and make that work for me in every meeting I ever have. And you can view dating the same way. Don't go into this mindset of, But that was the love of my life on that date, and I ruined it. That's ridiculous. You went on a date with a person out of 8 billion. You learned something about yourself on that date a different way you want to come across next time. And that gave you the gift of how you're going to be on every date for the rest of your life. And if you keep applying that mindset and you keep refining and keep improving, then Every new wave of people that know you just find you more and more impressive as a human being. And by the way, you don't even have to write off the people that you've already made a mistake in front of because you'd be surprised at how malleable those impressions are to that. Yes, you only get one chance to make a first impression, but you the second impression or the third impression or the fifth impression can be immensely powerful and transform how someone sees you. So you don't even have to write off the old situations.

And also on the date, you might be making multiple impressions. So even if you say a couple of things that are silly, it doesn't mean that you don't have 30 other chances to redeem yourself in the way that you listen, the way that you talk, the conversations you bring up, the way that, you know, your chemistry, the way that you look at them. It's such a complex, myriad thing, you know, attraction. And I think that just being stuck on, what if I say something silly or what if I do something bad, is it's doing a disservice to how complex attraction is and how many chances you have at making a good impression.

Which is another way of saying create. You messed up, create more. Because you can out-create whatever silly little thing you said. But anxiety, what it does to us is it has us putting this one thing under a microscope and living there and just watching that thing. And it rids us of the ability to say, I've got a hundred more opportunities on this date to show how awesome I am.

So true.

Such a good point, Audrey, about it, because it actually relates to unique parents as well. Because I always, I know this is massively individual, but I think every person can probably be a little bit self-aware about this, but like on a date, my default growing up, it was just so much so easy for me to go into like sarcastic mode. Like that was my weapon in social situations. And then I found myself like doing that too often and then I just it's just a quick little switch where you're just like, oh, okay. Well, I've said this funny sarcastic thing. Now I need to like default positivity. Like just try to be positive. And you can do that within with one anecdote an hour into the day and then suddenly you have a unique pairing.

And now you're married so it worked.

It does work.

Thanks for watching the video. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go head on over to moveonstrong.com where I give a free video training for anybody who is struggling to move on from someone in their life. Check it out at moveonstrong.com and I'll see you there.