In this coaching call, Raquel shares that she has been dating a man for several months who treats her like a girlfriend—paying for dates, holding hands, and being publicly affectionate—yet never labels the outings as dates or calls her his girlfriend. She feels uncertain about his commitment and worries that asking for a clear commitment will seem pushy. Matthew Hussey probes her situation, revealing a recurring pattern where Raquel allows herself to be a "pushover" in both romantic and platonic relationships, prioritizing others' convenience over her own standards. He explains that this stems from a fear of loss: she avoids asserting her standards because she worries the other person will leave. Hussey differentiates between attraction and respect, arguing that true respect amplifies attraction and that maintaining personal standards actually attracts higher‑quality partners. He offers two pathways for change: an emotional route—re‑wiring her self‑associations through intensive retreats—and a logical route—recognizing that people who constantly accommodate her are often uninteresting, while those with strong standards are worth pursuing. He encourages incremental change, warns against trying to overhaul everything at once, and invites Raquel (and listeners) to join his five‑day programs and follow his online platforms for further guidance.
Chapters
What's going on with you Raquel? How's life treating you? You all good?
Yeah, I'm doing good. I do have a question for you.
Tell me.
Okay, so I've been talking to this guy for a couple months and everything's going really well. I don't have anything bad to say except for the fact that it's just been a few months now and we go out all the time like movies, bowling, talk on the phone. dinner, everything, except he's never actually called it a date, nor does he call me his girlfriend, but I know that he's into me. I know it because he's told friends, and by the way, that he acts somewhere out in public, it's very couple-y and just our texts and everything. I know that he's into me, but I don't have that commitment, which a couple months in now, I'm kind of like, okay, Does he just not want that or what's the deal here? So basically my question for you is how do I let him know that I want a commitment without seeming too pushy?
So you said he doesn't call them dates. How does he go about them? What would you describe his style and attitude as?
Okay, so he'll say, Hey, want to go to dinner this place or Hey, let's go see a movie tonight. Now it's sounding bad as I'm like verbalizing out loud.
That's okay, you should verbalize it.
I know. So, yeah, he doesn't pick me up, I guess, but, yeah, he pays. So that's a big thing. He pays any time we go out and he'll hold my hand in public and all of that. So, yeah, that's kind of where it's at.
So you'll go on dinner dates, movie dates that he doesn't call dates, but he'll. How much notice does he give you when he's doing these things?
Usually, like, the day of.
The day off.
Because of his work schedule, yeah.
Okay, so he tends to, by the way, I want you to notice something Raquel. You're, and I'm just speaking to you honestly because if you can't be honest with me, you're really screwed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. You know me, if you listen to my stuff, you know I always make sure I don't pull any punches, but I'll always get you to a better place. If he was really committed to making you happy, he would figure out a way. It doesn't mean he would figure out a way to see you seven days a week. We all know that there is a level of being reasonable, but we know that he would be trying to give you notice for things, to try and move stuff around in order to see you. Right now, he's not putting you at the top of his list. He's putting you beneath his work and his, you know, other stuff in his life, whatever they may be, whether it's friends, whether it's dare I say it and let's hope not other people that he's dating, you know, he's, he's putting you below those things. Now, that's not because he doesn't like you. That's not because he's not attracted to you. But there is a difference between liking someone and respecting someone. They're not always the same thing. So right now, what you've What you've, the situation that you've created and you've allowed has allowed him to put you there in the hierarchy of the things in his life. So he now doesn't need to put you at the top of his list because he knows you will sit comfortably somewhere further down the list.
Wow.
Does that make sense? Yeah.
It's crazy because I'm noticing, I think that's actually a pattern. with past relationships too. And I think even not even just romantic relationships like friendships too, that's really interesting. My friends and even people I've been with in the past that they really liked me and stuff too, but it's that respect level isn't there because I don't create an atmosphere where that's necessary. And I never really realized it until you just said all of that. And so I'm noticing it's a pattern not only within romantic relationships, which all have ended probably for that being one of the reasons. And I also noticing it and my friendships with you and it's tiring me out to be honest.
What's the end result of it for you? What happens over time when you keep doing that?
I get upset like one day. I'm like, none of these people really care about me. I'm this is crazy. But they do, it's that I put myself in that position.
And does it manifest itself? Do you over time you bottle it up, bottle it up and then you just How do you, everyone has their own way of releasing stuff. Do you, for some people, they're just, they're nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, and then they build up so much resentment.
That they just explode one day on somebody or. Well, yeah, that's what happened on Monday. And I don't know if I necessarily explode on people, but I freak out and all of a sudden I'm like, I'm so frustrated with them, I'm pissed, but they are like, what, why are you now just bringing this to me?
Because they're like, you've been feeling like this for a long time, why didn't you say something before? Now, let me just reframe it for you. Let me put it another way. In your life, with the people around you, who are the people you feel more drawn to? Are they the people that bend over backwards to please you, or are they the ones that you admire because of the standards they have in their life?
Wow. The ones I admire because of the standards they have. And if someone bends over backwards to please me, I don't really know if I have anyone in my life like that.
Right, because who do you gravitate to? People with self-respect.
100% yes.
So how does it feel, by the way, when you've got someone who's bending over backwards to please you, they try and do everything for you, they'll always drop everything in order to do what you want to do. How do you feel about those people? Be honest. Use whatever words, no matter how offensive it is, what word do you use for those people? How do you feel about them?
They're pushovers. I can do whatever I want in there. Yeah, they're still gonna be there.
Yeah, and it's exactly, you can do whatever you want and they're still gonna be there. And for that reason it gets kind of gross, right? It's like, oh, just get away from me, you're driving me crazy. Yeah, with the other people that respect themselves and have standards, they're the ones that you admire because you want to be more like them.
Wow. Yeah.
If you stood up to this guy and actually made clear what it was you wanted, you'd be afraid that he wouldn't be there next week. Yeah. So it really comes from a fear of loss. What if I lose this person because I uphold my standards? In other words, you uphold your standards when it feels convenient for your emotions. You stick up for yourself when it feels like it can't go wrong, but when it feels like it could go wrong and sticking up for yourself would mean losing somebody, you definitely make sure you don't do that.
That is so crazy. Yes, 100%. Yes.
Right.
Yes, yes, yes. Wow. So how do I change that though? Because it's so, I mean, it's been, I've been like that forever, you know.
As long as, well, the first way to change it is emotionally. And the way you do it emotionally, if, you know, and if you ever want to come and spend, I literally spend five days doing with this people on my retreats. It's like a process that you go through emotionally to overcome certain things that have been emotional blocks for you for a long time. And this isn't something new for you. This is something you will have had for years. Yeah. But the emotional part of the process is, is down to changing your associations. In other words, changing the entire way that you see yourself so that you don't see yourself in the way that you have done all of your life. But there's also a logical way to change this. And the logical way to change it is for you to know when there are people who do this to you and play nice all the time, you actually end up pushing those people away because they're either boring or they're unattractive and you don't respect them. And the people that the people that actually uphold their standards around you are the ones that you chase more.
Yep.
So knowing that you don't have to be afraid that if you uphold your standards more, you're gonna drive people away. Because you know the reality is you have far more of a chance of keeping people around and having them treat you right if you uphold your standards than if you allow yourself to be a pushover the whole time. The fact is this, If you have attraction for someone, that's one thing. But respect will transform the amount of attraction you have for someone. So if someone doesn't just feel attracted to you, which I have no doubt this guy does, because I guarantee you he wouldn't be calling you up when he hasn't got anything going on if he wasn't in any way attracted to you. He has attraction for you, but if you can combine that with respect, that he has for you. Now, you won't believe the levels of Attraction that he'll have for you. It will change the game.
That's incredible. I'm like, I'm gonna have to process all of this. I. It's crazy.
It's a lot, right? Because it's undoing years of conditioning.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's okay. That's okay. That's, you know, it's a process. Don't. Don't try and change everything at once. Just start a little bit at a time. And I mean it. If you ever want to come and join. on one of my five day programs. I'd love to see you there.
Okay. Yeah. I really would love that. Thank you so much for your time as well.
I appreciate it. You're so welcome, Raquel. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate your bravery in being honest about the issues.
Thank you.
I appreciate you. All right.
Take care. Bye-bye.
Massive thank you to Raquel there. That was amazing. And thank you so much for listening. I think this is, these are callings are amazing. This is We should have been doing this years ago. These are so much fun and so insightful and I really hope that you out there listening are getting the same insights for yourself because of course I'm not just talking to Raquel. I'm talking to everyone out there listening who feels that they don't uphold their standards. And for any of you who ever want to come and join me on one of my programs, you can go to my site to find them out. My site is howtogettheguide.com you can see all the dates for our programs there. And also follow me on Facebook. there is this new website called Facebook that everyone is just really addicted to right now. It's so popular. You can come join me there. I'm at facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey. Stay up to date with everything we're doing guys, all the new videos and articles and this new information. Take care my friends. I will see you soon.
