I Cheated On My Partner... Now What?
Kenny calls in about cheating on his partner and struggles with sobriety. Matthew AI walks him through how to rebuild trust, what honesty actually costs, and whether the relationship can survive the breach.
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Welcome everybody to Love Life. We are excited to have you back again for another caller and this gentleman, his name is Kenny.
Thank you for taking the call.
You're very welcome, pal. What was your question?
Probably about a year and a half, two years ago. Me and my significant other had a child together. I recently got back from Iraq. We've been together for a couple of years before that. I was drinking a lot back then. My head wasn't quite right. Basically, I cheated on her and I acted like a complete butthole. And now I've been trying to get her back. I've been sober for a year now, and she's. She just ain't feeling it.
Okay, so you came back two years ago, you then. Did you meet this woman then or you knew her from before?
She was a past girlfriend.
Okay. And then you came back from Iraq and you had a child together, right?
Right.
Okay. And how long ago was this?
About the actual cheating incident or when she found out about it?
I guess the cheating first. How long ago was that?
It was about probably six or nine months before she actually found out about it and then she found out. and while our child.
Okay.
What ended up happening was she kind. She kind of stuck around, I guess, when she found out, even though it hurt her feelings, and it just caused so many problems in the relationship to erupt. Everything. Every little small thing was amplified because of my infidelity and. And she just kind of went downhill, went downhill, and then she finally just decided to leave. And then that's when I decided to get sober and to get my life back in order and show her that I was serious. And I think that was the biggest mistake I ever did, was constantly trying to make up for everything, because I was always putting myself in a position of weakness. I think she could let the past go at times. But it was still always stuck in the back of my head, the guilt and the shame, I don't know, between her negative feelings towards me and my negative feelings towards myself. It just wasn't very good math, you know what I mean?
Absolutely, absolutely. Well, firstly, I commend you, Kenny, for being the sort of person that is actually searching for answers right now, because many people in your position don't. And I think it's the mature thing to do, to actually try and figure out What needs to happen now? Now, there are two things that will be going on for her. The first is just the the hurt of the incident. And the second thing will be the feeling that when you say something now, she can't trust that. And also there may be some anger wrapped up in there that she hasn't resolved for herself yet. So, that can be something that can plague her for a long time. Now, from your side, you're still feeling guilt and some shame there, maybe some regret. And for you, that also hinders your ability to solve the problem. Because when you're feeling those feelings, you're not necessarily coming from a place of pure love. in wanting to come back to her. Because guilt isn't the same as loving somebody. Guilt is that feeling we get towards ourselves when we feel like we've done something that we don't like in ourselves. And when we don't like the way that our partner now looks at us as a result of that action. And so that guilt in some ways is not about how much you love her. It's about you not being in line with your own values when you did that. We need to move past guilt now, Kenny, and get to a place where we say this isn't about me feeling guilty. In fact, this isn't about me at all. This is about me wanting to give the best to this woman. This is about me wanting to love this woman. And right now, she may not be ready to love me in the way that I would like her to, but even wanting her to love me the way that I want her to is still about me. Right? So I need to make this about her and about what I can give to her. Now, if she's got a process to go through, that's okay. And life isn't always as black and white as we think it is. And sometimes when we're terrified of losing someone, we go into a level of desperation that doesn't help us. And you may be right, Kenny. You may be right that there are things that you've done since then that have put you in a position of weakness and desperation that have actually caused more of a rift between you. So here's what may need to happen now. The first thing is she needs to know that she is an absolute priority in your life. She also needs to know that When you did that, you were in a different mental space than you're in right now. Because let me tell you what she's terrified of. She's terrified that whatever it was that triggered you doing that then could trigger it again in the future. And what if she's the fool that believes you that it was a one-off incident, and then when you're back with her, something else That whatever it is triggers that same feeling in you that made you do it the first time. And you need to show her that that's not the case. You need to show her that there was something about that situation that doesn't exist anymore now. And the only way to show her that that's the case is to show her that you've changed fundamentally. Now, the stopping drinking is a really powerful move, and I think that's fantastic. Congratulations to you for doing that. That's a fantastic thing and an amazing first step. But now what you have to show her is that you're growing and building your life. Because if your life now is just simply about getting her back, then she knows she's coming back to a man who the only thing he wants desperately is to have her back. Instead, what I'd love for you to do is focus on building your life and the vision for what you want your life to be. And then when you go back to her and you speak to her, I want you to do it from a calm place of saying, look, you have to go through your process. And I understand that. And I hate that I have created something that has caused you pain. And I need you to know that I will never do that to you again. If that's true, if you believe that, Kenny, and that has to come from a true place, but I will never, do that to you again. And I know that I can't get you over this thing overnight, but I'm willing to do the work with you for us to move past this in our relationship and to create something beautiful and to build trust. And I know I don't get all of your trust back in one foul swoop. You know, that's not how life works. I know I don't just get a free pass and all of a sudden I get all of your trust back. But give me a chance and I'm willing to spend every day proving to you that I am worthy of your trust. and I don't expect you to believe me. I just would love you to give me a shot to prove that to you. And she may not give you a shot in that moment when you have that conversation. She may not, but you make, you need to make that okay, too. If you need more time, I want to give you more time because I want to let you know that I'm in this for the long haul. I'm going to continue building my life, but I want you to be with me and I want you to share, I want you to be part of my vision with me because I'd be really excited about our future together. And if she feels that's from a genuine place of loving her and not trying to get something from her, but wanting her to be part of your vision for where you're going, and that that vision is unique to where you are in your life now, then I think you have a decent shot at helping this woman understand that truly that event is something you've moved on from and are different from now, and that you're gonna love her differently to how you've loved her in the past. Does that make sense?
Yes, it makes a lot of sense.
And.
Me and her talked several times and she told me basically word for word a few of the things you just said, you know, I'm just not ready. She said, how do I know you're not going to go back and do that again?
Yeah.
You know, how do I know you're not going to start drinking again?
Yeah.
You know, I mean, I've been sober for a year, but I do understand it to everybody else that doesn't sound like a whole lot.
But you know what? Here's the thing, Kenny, she's testing you as a man and that's okay. Because guess what? Any woman, you ask any woman what she values at the highest level and you will find that on mass, women want to feel safe. They want to feel safe. They want a man who's gonna make them feel safe and looked after. And when she asks you that, when she says, How do I know? How do I know? How do I know? That's her way of telling you, Prove it to me, show me. So I don't, I want you to not focus on telling her, because telling her can only get you so far. You have to show this woman the sort of man that you can be from this day forward. That's what's gonna make the difference, 'cause women get tired of words. They hear words from us men all the time, and they get sick of them because they've spent a whole lifetime hearing words from men that don't mean anything. What shows a woman that you're serious is your actions. So you can say to her, you don't have to, you know, how do I know? How do I know? How do I know? You don't know. You don't know. But give me a shot and I'll spend each day proving to you that what I'm saying is not just me saying things for the sake of it or to get a result for me. And if you want more time, I'll give you more time. But I promise you, I love you and I'll be here because I'm ready to do this with you. And this isn't me trying to get something from you. This is me knowing how happy I can make you if you give me a chance. And I'll show you, you give me a chance, I'll show you. And the day that you think I'm not showing you, you can walk away. But I promise you, I'm gonna show you. And let her feel that there's an intensity to that and a certainty to that that isn't about you trying to prove it to her there and then in that moment. Okay? She wants to know that the changes you've made are sustainable. So show them to her every single day and focus on that instead of telling her. Does that make sense?
Yes.
Kenny, I'm proud of you, man. I think it's exciting what you're doing. I think the changes you've made already are fantastic. And I know I've worked with people in your position before, and I got people in my own family in your position. I know how tough it is to make the changes that you've already made. And I know that when things go wrong and when things don't go your way, there's always the temptation to go backwards. and to go back to old habits. But I'm proud that you haven't. I'm proud that you're sticking to them. And let me tell you something. If you show up for this woman in the way that you showed up to this call, and in the way that I believe you're showing up to your life right now, I believe that the changes you're making will shine through, and she'll see you as a different man. So keep going with it, okay? And keep building up your life in the meantime, so that not everything in your life right now comes down to this one person, and she sees that you're strong in other areas of your life too. Right.
Well, I certainly appreciate you. All right.
Kenny, I appreciate you calling in, my friend, and anytime, it was an absolute pleasure. You look after yourself, okay?
All right. Thank you very much.
All right. Thank you guys for listening into Love Life. What an incredible call. Kenny, thank you so much. I think that was incredible and so honest. It's not easy to talk about the past in that way. It's not easy to talk about things that we've done that we're not proud of. But the important thing in life is that we move forward and we make progress. There is no sense in us beating ourselves up ourselves up constantly for what we've done in the past, because as long as we're beating ourselves up, we can't actually go on to make the incredible changes that we can make in the future. And that is where we begin to build our self-worth again, is when we do incredible things instead of focusing on things that we've done before that we didn't like. If you wanna call into Love Life and you wanna give us your issue, I would love to deal with it. I don't care if you're a man or a woman, I don't care what age you are, I wanna hear from you, I wanna help you and help you push forward and make all those changes in your life. Call in at 844-204-6288 that's 844-204-MATT with two T's. I'll speak to you soon my friends.
