Matthew AI, Natalie, and Stephen Hussey discuss whether to pursue a second date when there's no immediate spark. They weigh chemistry against compatibility and explore whether comfort can grow into attraction over time.
So what was your question, Natalie?
My question is if I should continue seeing someone even though that spark. I don't have that initial spark with them.
Hmm. Well, it's a great question, and I think it goes to the heart of whether we feel like we should settle for less than we really want. Because so many of us, I feel like we really want a relationship. We want to meet someone great. And. And at some point, a lot of people tell us we need to compromise or we need to not have such high standards for what we want, not be so fussy. And one of the things that often goes when we start deciding that we really need to settle down now is our hope for chemistry, our hope for real attraction. And we start saying, well, they're a nice person and we get along well. So should I just throw the idea that there has to be that sexual chemistry out of the window? Question to you would be this. Firstly, do you think there could be chemistry with this guy, or do you really not feel it at all? And secondly, if you can't feel it and you don't think you will, do you think you could spend a lifetime without having that?
It's something. I'll have to think about that. But that's.
Do you think that you. You could have chemistry with this guy eventually?
I. I think so.
So what do you think is stopping it now?
I think because I felt that initial spark before, I'm hoping to feel that again, but everything else is in place. He's a great guy. He has a great career, a good head on his shoulders, and overall, he's just great. I just don't feel that spark.
But don't you want that?
I think I do.
Because the way you're. You're speaking about this guy, he sounds like a good guy, but you don't sound excited.
I'm not. Yep, that's right.
So. So what?
I don't think I noticed that, but, yeah, I'm not excited.
So, Steve, what do you think? Should she go further down the road with this guy, or does she go and. And say, you know what? I need to spread my wings and meet more people?
I think it's just something. This is something where it's good to have a lot of reference points, because I think the place you're in now is sometimes. What.
What?
This is a question people sometimes ask themselves, I think, when they're in a kind of scarcity mindset. And so sometimes you'll see this when people do online dating as well, they'll find they'll have a kind of checklist of traits. And when they see that guy on match.com and they speak to him and they think, well, on paper, he seems to have a university education, he seems to have a nice job, and he seems generally a nice person. And I think we can kind of, in some ways those traits are incredible. And in some ways as well, we can kind of convince ourselves, oh, they're so rare, no one else possibly has them. And so we kind of get to the place where you're at, where you're like, maybe I should just go all in on this one because I don't have the chemistry, but he has all these other things, so maybe I should just throw all in. And I think, Matt, and perhaps you'll agree with me, is the truth is there actually are a lot of people with whom you can have chemistry and compatibility. And it's not, although it's rare, it's not quite as rare as everyone imagines it to be. That's a kind of very scarce place where we get to where we think actually it's a kind of trade off between those two. And maybe I'm being naive, hoping for both.
It might be that even if it's not everywhere, even if it's not something that's so easy to come across, because although it's out there, it's not always easy to find someone we feel like we have everything with. But it doesn't mean that. That the, the alternative is not just settle. The answer is not therefore I should settle. I think life is actually life. People say life is short, and that's true, but life is long when you're unhappy. Life is long when, when you're in a situation that you're not really enjoying. And the way you're speaking about Natalie, I would hate to think that you'll be with this guy for many years to come. This, your excitement most likely is not going to grow. How many dates have you been on.
With this guy so far? Only two. And it's funny that you mentioned match.com because that's actually how we met, but we were talking prior to that for quite some time and just getting to know one another. And now that we've been out twice, I just, I'm trying to figure out, you know, if I should continue or not, because that spark's not there, but everything else is there.
Right? But of course, when you're on match.com you have an enormous wealth of other options that you can be going for and there's no reason to stop the search for a great guy even there on that website, there's no reason to stop that search when even if you're going to go on another date with him, why stop the search elsewhere? Okay, does that make sense?
Right? Yes.
It sounds like you've gotten a little comfortable with someone already, and the comfort is stopping you from taking a risk again with somebody else. And that is always a dangerous thing. We human beings cling on to comfort, which is why we meet somebody, we go on a date, and then we go on another day, and before we know it, we're married because we're okay. We're like, oh, they're fine. And I'm starting to get really comfortable with them. And I now know their dog's name, and, you know, I met their mom, and it feels like it's. Yeah, it's fine. You know, they're like, we're good friends now, but we're afraid of that moment where we say, I now have to get to know somebody else all over again. And it's easier just to go with the person in front of me that likes me than to go out there and seek more. And I don't think this is time to throw in the towel and just go for the thing that's comfortable in front of you. I think that you can always. You'll always have the benefit of this learning, and you may come back later and say, actually, that was great, and maybe I want to give it a shot, but I don't think right now is the time to do that. I think you should be going out there, meeting more guys, actually watching for more chemistry. And you said you felt it before, so, you know, it's possible for you to feel that. I. I would be giving yourself space to go and do that right now. I don't think this is surrender time.
Great, I'll do that.
Thank you, Natalie. Such a pleasure to have you on the line, and thank you all for listening. I will speak to you soon. A big thank you to Stephen Hussey.
Thank you.
Our newest guest, and we'll see you in the next episode.
Sam.
